Strait-Jacket Ramblings

Decay

2011-11-11T21:30:00.003-07:00

I'm tired of watching the things I love die...

Dance venues...other social circles...friendships... I look at how many things--things that I've cherished so deeply over the years--have come & gone, & it makes me so incredibly sad...

The Weber State Swing Club... It was my first introduction to social dancing, something new to belong to (where I didn't "fit in" with the Band crowd anymore), & it led me to the first thing in my life where I could be confident with girls. But once the Dance Team formed, we lost our core group of regulars...& it floundered on & off for several more years... Then once the Union Building started getting renovated, we got kicked out of the Ballroom, & into the the carpeted Gallery. And it came to the point where there were several times more High Schoolers than College-age kids coming. That was such a depressing fall & winter...watching the Swing Club die was so painful...

The Golden Skillet... It was such an awesome dance venue, with such quality dancers, & then it died down for no apparent reason... They "remade" it as the Downtown Stomp, & it had its moments on & off for a year or so, but with the economy, it kept struggling...& went down to 1 night a month...then died altogether...all because not enough people were willing to support it, & no one new wanted to be in charge...

The Murray Arts Centre... More than any other dance venue, more than Game Night, more than Frisbee, more than school, more than Institute, more than church, more than any other social scene, the MAC felt like "my arena". It was the place I felt most comfortable, most confident, & most at home. The first few years were so amazing... But with the downturn in the economy, it slowed down...and kept going down...until the point that hardly any people were coming...it was like Weber all over again... The gigantic crowds at the final dance, & at the Masquerade the next spring, gave me hope that things could come back, even if only once a month--but the lackluster attendance for the Halloween Dance was so depressing... As much as I love my other social circles, nothing has even come close to filling the hole that losing the MAC left...

Uru... It was such an amazing computer game... An incredibly original idea, with heart, & depth, & a rabidly devoted fan-base, & so much potential... But like so many other things, it was held back by the economy, & limited & fiddled around with by fear-based investors afraid to give any untested idea a decent chance... And it died... It knocked the wind out of us...it absolutely broke our legs... We managed to keep it alive on a small-scale, & eventually got another full-blown chance for it to succeed--but it was just held back again, & doomed to die once more... And while there's so much potential for what it could become in the hands of the fans, the Community is simply floundering...steeped in squabbling, narrow-mindedness, fear, & a lack of motivation...

Friends... I've seen so many friends come & go... And I know that it happens All kinds of people come & go in your life--it's unavoidable. But I've seen so many people go that I wanted not to so badly... A lot simply because they moved away or moved on in life. But other friends whose loss...hurts...so much more... People who were around almost every week, & then completely disappeared once they got married, literally never to be seen again... And several people who drifted away for no apparent reason...no matter how much effort I put in to prevent it...

And now the University of Utah Swing Club... It's far from dead, but it's in such a lull... I've been a regular there for nearly 7 years, & I've lost count of how many times I've seen it come close to dying in that time... We've always stuck it out until a change of the seasons brings in an influx of new people, but I'm having such a hard time with it this time... I've been a regular at Swing Club for longer than at any other venue or social scene in my life--it's where the core of my group of friends has come from. But our group has changed so much over the last year, & with this new downturn...

A lot of my pain over all this goes back to one of my Blog-Posts from about a year & a half ago--"Change". With so little change for the better in my life to fill the holes left by things that have changed for the worse, the change for the worse hurts so much more... So I guess the key is to learn how to make the good kind of change happen... I know there's no strict formula for it, but it's not something anyone ever really helped me learn...in anything in life... And until I can figure out how to do that, I'm so afraid that I'm going to have to watch more of the things I love--more venues, more circles, & more friendships--die... Including ones I'm not sure I can bear to lose...

"Fate has cast us into the mouth of a crucible, without knowing whether we are to be tempered by the flames or utterly consumed by them."

Trust & Time

2011-09-03T16:18:00.002-07:00

I really need to Blog more...

I got new car insurance. I went on vacation to Mysterium in Boston. And now I'm quite close to broke. But other than that, pretty much the same old... I've been struggling to figure out what to Blog about that wouldn't just be rehashing what I've said before. But I think I have something...

I'm truly close to very, very few people. And I know that a number of friends that I've had for years still don't "get" me...and they don't get why they don't get me.

A big part of the issue is trust.

I'm very not accustomed to opening up to people. There's always the fear of whether or not I can trust them to respond properly, accept me, understand me...my fears, feelings, secrets, history, struggles...

But it's more than wondering if I can trust them regarding themselves--it's wondering if I can trust them regarding other people.

I've had several experiences over the last few years where I was with a small group of friends, talking about other friends & people. And during each of these experiences, one of my friends (different for each experience) told us something quite personal about the friend we were discussing. And each time, it was also particularly regarding one of the other friends in the conversation.

Each time, my first reaction was "...Why are you telling us this? Doesn't this strike you as something that so-and-so told you in confidence? This is none of our business..." But my second & strongest thought was "Why in the world are you telling this to this other person??? Don't you think that they're the last person so-and-so would want you to tell???"

Each time, I was just astounded that my friend would breach the confidence of our other friend--& to top it off, to the last person that they should... And sadly, each time, the friend who did this was someone I had been thinking up 'til then that I could start opening up to... So much for that...

I don't want my personal life to be made a public spectacle. Whether it's about a girl I like, someone I'm having a conflict with, something I'm embarrassed about or ashamed of, something I'm really sad or depressed about, something I'm afraid of, or anything else that's particularly personal, private, or sensitive--when it comes to my personal or private life, anything I'm genuinely self-conscious about, or anything that's truly serious or a big deal to me, I don't want an audience. I don't want play-by-play commentary, I don't want to be given a hard time, I don't want to be ganged-up on. And I certainly I don't want any of that from people who don't know enough to understand those personal things.

I don't mean this in a mean way, but one of the most important social lessons people need to learn is when to keep their mouth shut...

So yeah, I have trust issues...but I really feel they're justified. But just by realizing this, you can't just say "Alright, I promise I won't say anything to anyone--so open up to me." Open, trusting relationships take time. And most of the time, those who try w/me use a far too...assertive approach. I don't respond well to being watched, confronted, or judged. I really think a lot of my friends don't really understand how introverts think, & how to deal with them. So as much as I know my friends mean well, to those of them who still don't "get" me, & still don't get why they don't get me, I would simply ask this:

Beyond small-talk & confrontation, what have you actually tried?

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved."

Alone & Distracted

2011-03-24T12:22:00.016-07:00

I've been looking at my life a lot lately, & for so much of it, I just don't understand how I got here...to where I am right now... All the reasons & details are such a tangled mess, it's hard to explain it all or place blame. But I have come to understand something.

As I've posted about before, there are all kinds of things in life that no one ever really prepared me for. They just kind of said, "When it comes to this point in your life, you're going to do this...when this time comes, theses things are going to happen..." BULL-HONKEY. Things in life don't go according to a nicely-formatted plan. Especially when you don't get much help...

There are so many things in life where people just weren't there for me. I don't want anyone to think I'm just victimizing myself & trying to absolve myself of responsibility or blame--I've made far more than my share of mistakes. But there are certain things in life where certain people should be there for you. And all too often for me, those people weren't... Parents, teachers, counselors, church leaders... They all certainly meant well, they were all certainly "around", & they all certainly brought up the subjects of the important things in my life.

But most of them really didn't do much of anything to contribute... There's all kinds of reasons, I suppose... They figured that I'd "get around to it" at some point... They figured I was getting those things from other people... They figured that "no news is good news" (which is one of the biggest lies ever told)... I never expected people to just do everything for me, but they didn't even really teach me what I think are some of the most important things I needed to learn.

No one did much of anything to help me learn how to get a job. No one did much of anything to help me learn how to date. No one did much of anything to help me learn how to get financial aid for college. No one did much of anything to help me learn how to find out what I wanted to go into in college. No one did much of anything to help me with my personal weaknesses/struggles. No one even really seriously asked me how I was doing with any of those things, & if there was anything they could do to help. I've mostly had to figure things out on my own...

But the real kicker is that I've been able to get away with largely failing at all of those things. It's never come to the point where I had to do any one of those things, or my life would fall apart. My parents are willing to let me live at home, even at my age, which is great, but then there's no point where I have to move out, get a better job, or even go to college. I could go the rest of my life without dating, & nothing would ever "hit the fan". And other things in life...any unsatisfactory conditions or even outright problems have never been something that will reach a definable, physical "boiling point". I can technically keep going on this way indefinitely...

And the reason I have is because I've just been avoiding my problems. Distracting myself from them. From depression & pain. I've struggled most of my life with depression...and it's never really gotten much better. I got teased a lot in Elementary School, which...damaged...me as a person... I've never fully recovered...I'm still much more socially isolated than most of my peers. And as much progress I've made, I still have to deal with the pain of not being where I want to be.

I'm not where I want to be in anything in life. I'm 26 1/2 & still living at home. I make hardly any money. I feel insanely inadequate in dating. I have no idea what I want to do for school or work in the short-term, let alone a long-term career. And all those things cause me pain. Pain from my current circumstances, & pain from the uncertainty & hard work it will take to change things. And so I just don't deal with it. I haven't progressed in life because I spend my time avoiding the pain. I've become an expert on not dealing with things. The end result is that it's made me very, very weak as a person. And that only compounds the problem, because I don't do the hard work it will take to change things...

Among all the varied & chaotic things that have led me to where I am right now in life, they all have a common thread: I've spent most of my life alone, distracting myself from my pain.

Letting that realization sink in, it helps to better explain how I got to where I am today. But it doesn't really solve anything...I'm still so far behind my peers, & so weak as a person...& so afraid... I guess the trick is to learn how to endure the pain that the required hard work will cause...to endure it long enough until I actually get some kind of "pay-off"...until the pain & work actually accomplish something...

"One alone cannot bring in a harvest."
"A distracted existence leads us to no goal."

Your God

2010-11-30T12:15:00.007-07:00

Scripture talks about other gods. But not always in the context of some supreme being, with a religion devoted to it, with idols of it made to be bowed down to. Sometimes a "god" can be any thing, person, or idea that we place at such high importance in our life, mind, or heart, that its pursuit consumes us. Sometimes these things are petty, irrelevant, unhealthy, damaging, or outright horrible things. And sometimes they're actually good things, but not things that should be given paramount importance instead of God himself.

For some people, it's money---the desire to obtain stuff has a draw on all of us, & for some it becomes their ultimate quest. For some, it's power---wanting control, over not just their own life, but over their business world, their family, their friends, & sometimes anything/everything else. For others, it's sex---nothing means more to some people than getting as much carnal pleasure as possible.

Then there's people who simply take good things too far. Some people make their career their god---their purpose in life becomes the hollow pursuit of achievements, promotions, & titles. For others, it's their hobbies---their zeal to enjoy life takes control. And it can be many, many other things...

The problem with making something your god that isn't God is that it skews your perception & priorities, & gets in the way of more important things. Most notably God, of course. But when we place something at as high a level as God, to become a god itself, we start sacrificing so many things for it, when it's really not something that deserves so much sacrifice & devotion. And all the other important elements of our lives suffer when we over-prioritize something that much.

Sadly, far too many people make something else their god. Even good, caring, God-worshiping people often inadvertently make something else their god, relegating God himself to the back seat. It often starts by genuinely pursuing a good thing---but too much success, or a lack of success, or peer/societal pressure, or other things cause us to focus too much of our energy on something else, even something good, because we don't have what we want, or because things aren't how we think they should be.

I'm a devout believer in God, & I try most days to grow closer to him. But I have to admit, I'm also one of those people who has another god. I won't say what it is, but I will say this much: It's not a bad thing. In fact, it's a very good thing. But it's something so absent in my life, I've let it consume me. I adore it, crave it, covet it, dream about it, glorify it, idolize it, sanctify it, treasure it, weep for it, & virtually worship it... It's something I want, & even deserve, so badly---but not having it just dominates my thoughts. And realizing that doesn't help when it's ultimately such a good thing...

I would simply ask all of you: What is your god? Is it God? Or is it something else? If you've made something else your god, & you really take an honest look at yourself, I think you'll see a lot of imbalance & pain in your life...I certainly do...

"For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

Closing Time

2010-08-22T17:00:00.016-07:00

A very sad event is approaching...As of this month, I've been a weekly dancer at the MAC (Murray Arts Centre) for 6 whole years. There's maybe 6 weekends a year that I don't go to the MAC. I have so many memories, I've had such great times, & I've met so many wonderful people there... It holds a special place in my heart like few other places do.

For those uninformed, the MAC consists of 2 buildings, with dances going on Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, & Saturday nights. The dancing is a spread between Swing, Latin, & Ballroom (depending on the night), with all kinds of lessons each week. It has the greatest variety of dancing I've ever seen. I've been an avid dancer there Saturday nights, where in the South Building they have a great mix of Swing, Latin, & Ballroom, with a wonderful DJ, & great people.

But the economy has really been hitting the owners of the MAC hard... Attendance has been down severely, & apparently for the last 6 months or so, they haven't even been breaking even---they've been losing money every week. So last night, they announced that after this coming Saturday, they'll be suspending Saturday Night dances in the South Building. They hope to start up again once the economy improves, but who knows when that will happen...

It's really heartbreaking... So many of us look forward to it every week, or at least as often as we're able to go. There's plenty of other Dance Venues to do Lindy-Hop, West Coast Swing, & Latin, but Saturday Nights at the MAC is really the only place around to do East Coast Swing or Ballroom. I don't know what we're going to do...

I can hear half the Lindy-Hoppers in Utah now: "No big loss---more time to do Lindy. East Coast sucks, Latin sucks, Ballroom sucks, the MAC sucks..." Let me ask you Lindy-Hoppers a few questions:

"Have you ever actually been to the MAC on Saturday Nights?" 90% of you---NO. Most of you have just heard about it from others, most of whom I ask these next few questions:

"Do you know much East Coast, Latin, or Ballroom?" 90% of you---NO. Most of you just know Lindy-Hop, some Charleston, & maybe a little Balboa or Shag.

"When you've gone to the MAC, did you make any attempt to actually learn any East Coast, Latin, or Ballroom?" 90% of you---NO. You just want to Lindy to the Swing songs, & end up disappointed when there aren't as many Swing songs as you're used to, & when there aren't many (if any) people there who know how to Lindy.

"When you've gone to the MAC, did you ask people to dance that you didn't know, & try to meet new people?" 90% of you---NO. Most of you just end up being anti-social with the other Lindy-Hoppers you come with.

The vast, vast majority of people who talk trash about the MAC have never really...participated in the "MAC experience". And far too many Lindy-Hoppers in Utah seem to take pleasure in talking trash about the MAC. But in the end, it comes down to 1 of 2 issues. The first is simply a lack of interest in Non-Lindy. If you really, really, really like one particular form of Dance or Music, & just don't care for many/any others, that's fine. But it's just about your individual taste---not any kind of inherent inferiority of other forms of Dancing or Music.

But the biggest issue is with certain people that, for around 5 years, I've thought of, quite frankly, as "The Lindy Snobs". There are certain people in the Lindy Community who think that Lindy-Hop is just inherently superior to any other form of Dance, Swing or otherwise. Sure, it is the most complex---I've seen more intricate technique in Lindy-Hop than in any Latin or Ballroom Dance. But complexity doesn't equal superiority, & far too many Lindy-Hoppers look down on less-complex forms of Dance, especially less-complex Swing Dances, with absolute disdain.

I like Lindy-Hop---I love Lindy-Hop. Heck, I've been doing more Lindy than anything else for a while. But you know what? Sometimes simpler can be better. I can't count the number of newbies that I've seen scared off by the complexity of Lindy-Hop, but I've danced with countless newbies with no dance experience who picked up East Coast easily. It's perfectly fine to prefer one type of Dance, but I'm fed-up with the complete arrogance of some Lindy-Hoppers in thinking that they're superior people simply because they're good at a more complex Dance.

Sorry about the rant...I've put up with far too much crap from the Lindy Snobs over the years... And it's not like they're directly responsible for Saturday Nights at the MAC's South Building closing down---they could've supported the MAC more, but it's mainly the economy...all of the Dance Venues have been suffering, & the MAC has the most. But what really angers me is how many Lindy-Hoppers are going to be happy about this closure at the MAC, no matter who or how many people they know & like that are unhappy about it.

At any rate...

This is really a sad time for us who love the MAC... There's no other place for us to do East Coast or Ballroom, let alone both of those mixed in with Latin. This closure is going to leave a big hole in our Dancing lives... And there's so many people that I only see at the MAC---I don't want to drift away from them.

I know nothing lasts in this life, including Dance. Popularity of Dances Venues comes & goes, as well as Dances themselves. But it's just hard... I first started dancing up at the Weber State Swing Club, & I got to watch that Venue die...it was heartbreaking, & so depressing... And I've been watching the same thing happen to the MAC this year...

Maybe things will pick up when the economy improves. I have a friend who was a regular at the MAC 10-12 years ago, until things died down. And when I started going 6 years ago, it was in its prime again. Things come & go, including little highs & lows within bigger highs & lows. And this is one of the bigger lows...

It's not like I planned to go to the MAC every week for the rest of my life---or any of the other Dance Venues, or anything else I do every week. All of them are things I expect to leave behind at some point when I need to move on in life. But we all want to move on because we're ready, not because something we love dies...

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Copyright vs. Free Exchange

2010-08-12T11:55:00.006-07:00

A friend of mine recently posted a link on Facebook to a rather lengthy article describing the history of Copyright, & its implications today. The subject is very important today, with people sharing music, software, & other ideas freely (often in defiance of Copyright laws). I apologize for the length of the article, but it's a very interesting read:

http://questioncopyright.org/promise

There's a whole lot of truth in there, & Copyright law has gone way overboard on so many levels... For example, if someone wants to copy/pirate a song, they can find a way to do it---there are programs that can bypass DRM (Digital Rights Management) coding in a song-file by re-recording the song straight from the sound-card. So if someone really wants a song without paying for it, they can find a way to get it, & they really can't be stopped. DRM coding did/does more harm to people trying to use their own music legally & honestly than it did to those trying to use it illegally & dishonestly.

But there still is precedent, both legal and moral, for Copyright. The "Free Exchange Movement" has many, many benefits, as that article clearly illustrates. It helps encourage the spread of ideas & creativity like never before. Many people are perfectly willing to give their creations away for free, for as simple & selfless reasons as others' enjoyment or the betterment of the world.

And there are quite often ways to make a living off of creativity without a "pay-per-copy" system---as the article gives as an example, many musicians give their music away for free, and the resulting word-of-mouth publicity brings them more money (via concerts/performances, other appearances, endorsements, etc.) than the "pay-per-copy" system would.

But there are those who still directly depend on their creations for their livelihood. Some don't have any other job or form of income. Some don't have the money, opportunity, time, popularity, or other means (like the example in the previous paragraph) to make money while giving their creation away for free. If they can figure out a way to do it, that's great! So many artists/creators are figuring out how / gaining the ability to do it, which is ultimately better (they still get to make a living, & we get what we want for free!). But for those who can't do that yet, they deserve to be paid for their creation.

The article makes the point that digital media---things like images, sound/music, video, coding/programming/software, etc.---aren't the same as physical objects. It takes money to make each individual object, so for each object obtained for free, money is lost by the creator. But with digital media, countless copies can be made for free.

All that is true, but as I said, some people still directly depend on their creations for their livelihood---some people still depend on their efforts for their livelihood. Whether physical objects or digital media, effort has been put forth. In this way, digital media is more like a service. When you give service, you don't run out of it, but you still deserve compensation for others to benefit from it.

Many people choose to give their creations away for free, opting not to personally profit from their efforts, which is great. But those people choose to do so. And others who still directly depend on their efforts & creations for their livelihood have the right to receive compensation, if they choose to do so. In the end, it could be simply put this way: "If I put forth effort, I have the right to demand compensation for you to benefit from that effort."

The "Free Exchange Movement" has almost unimaginable potential & benefit, & should be supported. I encourage all artists/creators to figure out ways to make a living while allowing their creations to be copied & transferred freely. But many people still directly depend on their efforts & creations for their livelihood, & have the right to receive compensation. That's why I support the principle of Copyright (if not the manners in which publishers & distributors have upheld it).

“Justice is the firm and continuous desire to render to everyone that which is his due.”

Change

2010-06-09T12:46:00.002-07:00

I look at a lot of the stresses & dissatisfactions in my life since I've graduated High School, & I've come to realize what the source of a lot of them are: Change. Both change itself, and a lack of it. Change in the world around me, and a lack of change in my own life. As I've mentioned before, change can be great, but it can also really suck. But a lack of change can be both good & bad as well. And looking back over the last 8 years or so, my life has had far too much of the bad change, & the bad lack of change.

Dancing... I've been dancing for over 7 1/2 years, & I've been part of the Salt Lake Dance scene for almost 6 1/2... And I feel like the dance scene is dying... Not necessarily completely---all venues & scenes go through ups & downs, but those ups & downs are usually little ups & downs within bigger ups & downs. A friend of mine used to be a regular at the MAC like 10 years ago, & the scene was great. Then it died...& he & all his friends stopped going... But when I started going about 6 years ago, the MAC was at the peak of popularity again---& now it's largely dead... I suppose I just need to accept that...and maybe move on...but I long for the "up" to come back soon... And even the Lindy scene isn't what it used to be...& I don't see any signs of an approaching "up"...

Then there's my personal life... I'm almost 26 and still living at home...not a Returned Missionary...never had a full-time job...not anywhere near done with college...never had a girlfriend... So many elements of "growing up" just haven't happened for me... But they've happened to just about everyone around me. Everyone seems to being going in life where I want to, but I can't figure out how they do it.! How do you all do it?! How do you live away from home before getting a college degree?! How do you get a decent job without a college degree?! How did you figure out what you want to do with your life?! How do you find so many people who actually want to go out with you?! How do you handle work, & school, & living on your own, & still manage to have a social life?!

But ultimately, I've come to realize something... All the things around me that are changing that I'm not happy about all fall into 1 of 3 categories: Friends not coming around, friends getting married, or friends moving away. What I've come to realize is that everyone else is moving on with life, & going through change in life, but I'm not. If I was, I wouldn't mind so much things changing for my friends. But because my life isn't changing, I'm not ready for (or happy about) my friends' lives changing. Because that change takes them away from me.

If I was moving on in life with them, it'd be okay... If I was putting my heart into school or entering a career...if I was finding a serious girlfriend (or any girlfriend, for that matter), or even getting married & starting a family...if I was going through good changes in life, that good would fill the void left by my friends who are leaving me behind... Change is inevitable. I understand that, but I guess I need to accept it more...I need to accept that the people I love are going through good change, & I need to be happy for them. But that attitude will only get me so far until I can figure out how to get my own life to change...for the better...

"When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can turn into deadly projectiles."

Community

2010-04-09T17:36:00.003-07:00

I've been Swing Dancing for over 6 1/2 years, & I've been part of the greater Swing Dance Community in Utah for over 5 years. Things have been coming to a head over the last few months, & I've come to realize something...people in this Community don't support each other like they used to:

1st, I think of the Golden Skillet. When the it first opened, within a few months, virtually all of the really good people from the U of U Swing Club (Thursdays) stopped coming, & started going to the Skillet (Fridays) instead. And so the U of U Swing Club really died down, really quickly. If Fridays worked better for them, if they liked the "feel" of the Skillet better, or whatever else, I'm not gonna hold it against them.

But ever since then, most of us who were left at the U of U Swing Club felt like a lot of the people who switched Venues started looking down on us, as if it was our fault that our Venue died. But it wasn't--it was their fault for leaving! Again, I'm not going to hold that part against them--but it seemed like a lot of them acted like we drug the Venue down or something. Ever since then, it's felt like they've looked down on us for not being as good as they were--but we couldn't be, 'cause there was hardly anyone good left to help us improve!

2nd, I think about the USU Swing Club up in Logan... I used to know tons of people up there, it was a great scene, & people from up there would come visit the rest of us halfway often... Then, about a year & a half ago, pretty much all of the "top" people from up there moved down here to Salt Lake... After that, it was kind of a "rebuilding" time for the scene up in Logan, but they still stuck it out.

I still knew quite a few people up there, too. And every time I'd see or talk to any of them--at the Utah Lindy Exchange, at Harlem Nights, at the Elite Hall Dances, at the Swing Dance Invitational, whenever any of them happened to come to Salt Lake, or on Facebook--I'd always talk to them about bringing a group down to dance in Salt Lake. They always said they'd try, but no one ever came... A lone person or two, once in a blue moon...but no groups...ever...

For about the first half of last year, I tried time & again to organize a time when the U of U Swing Club could go visit Logan--but I never got any help. So I just picked a date well ahead of time, let them know, got a group, & we headed up one evening. But there wasn't much of a group--in fact, there were more of us than there were of them! And there were only 2 people I knew... No one even bothered to tell us that things were pretty slow in the summer, & that we should've waited...

All in all, if it weren't for USU hosting Harlem Nights every year, the Logan Swing Scene would just fade away as far as the rest of us are concerned...and Harlem Nights is moving to Salt Lake next year--what hope will the Logan Scene have then?

3rd, I think of the BYU Swing Club & the Downtown Stomp. A number of people from the U of U Swing Club visit those 2 Venues halfway often, but virtually no one from their Venues visits the U of U...and when they do, it's usually just them advertising for their own Venues...

4th, is the newly-opened Blue Tango. It's on Thursday nights, the same night as the U of U Swing Club has been for over a decade. It was frustrating enough for the U of U to have to compete with Blues House Parties on Thursdays, but now an official Venue?

5th, the Downtown Stomp is moving to Saturday Nights, the same as the BYU Swing Club. Granted, they're talking about just "experimenting" with Saturdays, as BYU doesn't dance during the summer. But switching from Friday, to Saturday, & then back to Friday again isn't going to help things--a Venue needs stability. And if they decide to stay on Saturday night, it's just going to compete, with both BYU & the MAC.

6th, is simply an attitude a lot of people have taken... There aren't as many people coming out to any of the Venues as there used to be. I understand that Swing Dancing comes & goes in waves, & that we're in kind of in a low spot right now. And I understand that the tough economy right now makes it hard for a lot of people to come out.

But I hear so many people saying that they don't come dancing "because hardly anyone comes"! That is so stupid...if all the people who said that just came, then there would be lots of people! So just come! And if you get a slow night, oh well--just come back the next time, & encourage everyone else to do the same. If you've got conflicts, fine. If you've got something you'd rather do, fine. If you can't afford it, fine. But not coming because of a lack of people is so incredibly self-defeating... It needlessly robs everyone of good nights of dancing...

I look back over the last few months, & over the last few years, & all of these things have just come to focus on one painful point: People in this Community don't support each other like they used to. They don't even talk about it like they used to. People don't support each other's Venues--let alone existing Venues. Each little group is so overly-occupied with their own little piece of the Swing Dance Community, it seems like far too many of them have lost sight of the importance of supporting the rest of the Swing Dance Community.

It seems like all of the Venues are just...floundering...in obscurity, in isolation, & in mediocrity... And it's not gonna change if we don't remember how to help each other--how to be a Community again...

"The good we secure for ourselves is precarious and uncertain until it is secured for all of us and incorporated into our common life."

Job Search Hell

2010-03-22T14:09:00.003-07:00

Job-searching has always been the most demoralizing of any experience in life for me... Wandering around from business to business, spending hours gathering applications, spending hours & hours & hours filling them out, writing down the same information over & over & over again until my hand is so cramped that I can hardly hold the pen, spending hours taking all the applications back...& then not getting a single call-back...

I don't have a College Degree, & I don't have money for College, so I need a job. A good job. One that will finally let me move out. I'm 25 1/2, for Pete's sake, & I'm still living at home!!! I'm desperate, DESPERATE to move out!!! I need a decent job, but I don't know what to look for! I have nearly 6 years of experience in Retail, but I'd like to get out of that, & it doesn't pay that well, anyway.

I have no clue what kind of job I'm looking for---none! I have absolutely no idea! I'm so envious of those people who know what they want to do...who have something they're passionate about... That would make it so much easier... I heard a quote once: "I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks." It sounds kind of petty, but that's where I'm at! As sad as it is, "Money makes the world go 'round." I need money! I'm willing to work for it! Somebody hire me!

But how do I find a good job? What do I look for? Where do I look? How do I look?! I don't get it! How am I supposed to do this?! And the economy is t-e-r-r-i-b-l-e! Getting any job is hard enough, let alone getting a good job! And I see so many losers with jobs...numbskulls, douche-bags, knuckle-draggers, & all kinds of jerks from the bottom-rung of society...as my dad put it "How many rocks did they have to turn over to find these guys???"

I just...I dunno...I'm 25 1/2, still living at home, broke, itching for independence, & with no idea of how to get it...

"Life's a bitch, then you die."

Emptiness

2010-03-08T13:41:00.002-07:00

I've come to realize just how overly-dependent I am on other people for my own happiness... Not that other people shouldn't affect your happiness--so many people look for happiness in all the wrong things, but I really believe that happiness is about other people. But regardless of other people, there needs to be something something else...something within yourself...that your happiness is founded upon.

And you know what? It just isn't there for me... Something's missing...so many things are missing in my life...

Yeah, there are lots of superficial (but still good, & even important) things I'm missing--certain "accomplishments" or "achievements". Things like a good job, moving out, a college degree, a girlfriend, & whatever else... But the thing that really hits me (and hurts me) as missing is not those things themselves, but knowing how to get those things...

But it's so much more than accomplishments & achievements...it's much deeper things...things within myself...things I should have by now, but I don't... Maturity, responsibility, courage...faith & trust, both in others, & in myself...self-respect, self-love... I'm not saying I don't have any of those things, because I do. But not nearly enough...not as much as I should...not as much as is healthy...

Someone once said "Only the way a man is when he is hidden is how he is." I take a good, hard look at myself, & strip away everything about me that is dependent on other people, until there's nothing left but pure, authentic, simple me. And you know what? I don't like what I see... I'm not saying that I'm a bad person, because I'm not. But what I see is what's missing... What I see is...emptiness...

Someone once said "If you're not happy with yourself, you will never be happy with someone else." That really hits me, because it's so true, with all personal relationships...in romance, in friendship, in family... I'm not happy with myself. And contrary to what a lot of people say, happiness isn't merely a choice. Sure, you can choose your outlook & attitude to go into things with, & you even have some control over your reactions to what happens in the world around you--but ultimately, the world around you has an incredibly vast effect on your feelings, beyond your control.

I have this incredible emptiness inside...and when I can't fill it from within, I try to fill it from without... Which isn't inherently bad, but it never lasts...because it's completely dependent on other people. I look at all the people in my life that matter to me...people from Dancing at Swing Club, the MAC, & the Downtown Stomp...people from Frisbee...people from Game Night...and my happiness is so completely tied to those events. The Downtown Stomp was packed this last Friday, & I was so happy... But the MAC was dead on Saturday...only 1 guy I knew, only 1 girl I knew, & I only got 1 dance...& it didn't just disappoint me about the evening...it brought me down into utter depression & despair...about life in general...

Sometimes...sometimes I feel like an Emotional Vampire...dead inside, & leeching off of other people what I need to survive...

I know a lot of my Blog-posts & Facebook-statuses (especially the last few) have been pretty down & depressing--I don't want anyone to think I'm feeling suicidal, because I'm not. But I can't just sit here & tell myself that "everything will turn out right", because I don't know that it will. Things completely hit the fan in life for lots of people, even with the best of attitudes. And the deep things within yourself are so much harder to fix than all the outward things in life, superficial or serious.

Emptiness...this great void in the soul is probably the most devastating & perplexing problem the humankind has ever faced... And just like with all the little superficial achievements & accomplishments, the worst part is not feeling empty--but not knowing how to fill that emptiness...

"Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there."

Happiness

2010-02-26T21:58:00.003-07:00

I looked back through all my old Blog-Posts... For the first 4 months, I posted once a week. Over the whole next year, I only posted 5 times. I really meant to Blog more... I guess I just wanted to make sure I had something significant to say---this isn't Twitter, after all... But I guess more than anything, I just forget... But I intend to remedy that.

At any rate...

Most of my childhood is quite a blur...so much went on, so much has happened since, & I was so young... But one of my most vivid memories is from when I was about 4. Life was so simple back then... It was during the summer, on an incredibly warm day. I was standing just inside the open front door, looking outside, enjoying the heat of the sun beating down on me. There was an empty box of popsicles sitting on the chair next to me...

And there was this smell in the air...I don't know that it was a single, specific smell...probably more of a conglomeration of various smells...but there was something incredibly unique & memorable about it... The human sense of smell bypasses the Thalamus, making it more directly connected to memory than the other senses.

But standing there in the sun, & smelling that smell, I just remember the feeling going through my mind that "Life is good...I'm happy in life..." Within a few years things changed drastically in my life, especially emotionally. But I never forgot that day, that smell, & that feeling... Then when I was about 9 or so, one day in the late Spring, I smelled that incredible smell again...and then again when I was about 12...and both times the memory came rushing back like a tidal wave... Ever since then I've longed & ached to smell that smell again...to remember so much more vividly than normally possible to remember what it was like to be happy in life...

I've never been happy in life since that day...so long ago... I've had happy moments, & even happy times, of course. But never any lasting period of happiness in my life... I look back, & so much of my life I just don't remember...I think it's that way with most people, because so much of it is just day-to-day stuff that really didn't matter in the long run... But when I think of the things I do remember, I have more disappointments & regrets than I do satisfactions... And where I'm at in life right now gives me very, very few satisfactions... There's just so much...missing...in my life...and in myself...and in the place where those things should be, all I find is that same lack of happiness...

"The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

Social Chaos

2009-12-18T15:15:00.003-07:00

There's a genre of TV shows called "Dramedies", meaning Drama-Comedies---TV shows with a combination of both elements. They're sort of like Soap-Operas for the 21st Century. I don't watch much TV personally, but I've caught parts of various TV shows either while flipping through the channels, or while some members of my family have been watching them in the next room. Particularly certain popular Dramedies like "Desperate Housewives", "The Secret Life of the American Teenager", "Glee", & "Make It or Break It"... And I think they're all worthless drivel.

First of all, they're all filled with sex...underage sex, premarital sex, casual sex, affairs... But far beyond that, they're absolutely overflowing with other aspects of what I call "Social Chaos": Gossip, cheating, back-stabbing, betrayal, black-mail, plotting, stealing, lying, assault, murder...

Why is this supposed to be entertaining?!

It's bad enough that so much of society seems to find these things entertaining--but what's even worse is that fact that so many otherwise morally upright people (who openly disapprove of the previously described vices in real life) find these things entertaining! If these things are so terrible, why is it okay to watch actors portraying these things?! Interesting plot twists, good acting, & well-written humor hardly make iniquity acceptable...

But the worst part of all is how these TV shows normalize & even glamorize Social Chaos...especially to young people. Some will object, citing that "TV doesn't force kids to do anything bad." Well, you're right. But when something is commonly watched on TV, when it's seen as enjoyable to watch, when so many people talk as if it's normal, when so many people think it's normal, & when so many people do it as something normal (and when parents, of all people, hypocritically engage in any or all of these things) it becomes normal to society. And at some point, far too many people start seeing these "bad" & "forbidden" things as being things that parents, teachers, & religious leaders decry, but that should "really" be expected as perfectly normal things in life.

Well guess what? These things shouldn't be expected! These things aren't a normal part of life! This things are deplorable social vices that are corrupting society! These things certainly aren't a part of my life! And if that makes my life "boring", then good! Because I'm much better off without these things in my life! I've got enough regular problems in my life to deal with! I know I'm on a rant, but the...normalization...of these horrible, despicable vices simply appalls me... The more obvious problems of society are bad enough, but coupled with these ever-more-common iniquities...

I don't mean to sound so cliché, but my heart just aches and bleeds with sorrow for the sins of the world...

"And thus commandeth the Father that I should say unto you: At that day when the Gentiles shall sin against my gospel, and shall reject the fullness of my gospel, and shall be lifted up in the pride of their hearts above all nations, and above all the people of the whole earth, and shall be filled with all manner of lyings, and of deceits, and of mischiefs, and all manner of hypocrisy, and murders, and priestcrafts, and whoredoms, and of secret abominations; and if they shall do all those things, and shall reject the fullness of my gospel, behold, saith the Father, I will bring the fullness of my gospel from among them."

Damnation

2009-10-19T18:18:00.002-07:00

The word "damn" is very interesting... It comes from the same route as "dam", as in a beaver or hydroelectric dam. It means "to halt something in it's progression". Just as a concrete dam halts a river in it's progression downstream, sin halts us in our spiritual progression. The various religious applications of this are interesting, but I'd like to use the term "damned" in a more worldly way...

I feel so unbelievably damned in life...my progression is so haulted...I'm so stuck in life... I've been in a horrible rut before in life, for a long time...but not like this... Before I was largely just slacking off...but now...I just don't know what to do...about anything...

I want to move out on my own so badly, but I don't have anywhere near the income to support myself! So that comes to job-hunting...which is the biggest pain in all of creation... And in this economy? My GOSH! And the thing is, I have a job---the trick is finding a better job!

So what about school? I totally crashed out of school right around a year ago...I was unmotivated, overworked, rethinking my major...things just fell apart. But as much as I hate school, I accept that I might have to go back & finish. But the thing is (setting aside the fact the fact that I have no money for school), I have no idea what I would want to go into! None! Nada! Zero! Zip! Zilch! No idea whatsoever! It's so frustrating...it's one of those things that, growing up, society told me that I'd just kind of "figure out" within the first few years after High School......hah.

Some have suggested that I just get some kind of "General Education" degree, or something relatively general & flexible like "Business" or "English" or whatever... But there's no way in Hell I'd be able to endure the hell of 2 or 3 years of school when it's something I'm not at all motivated in... And especially when I have no clue what I'd do with any such degree (let alone motivation for said unknown career). I don't expect to know the exact job title & description of my future job at this point, but how am I expected to get somewhere if I don't have the slightest idea of what direction to go?

And what about girls? See previous posts for my thoughts on girls & dating... 95% of the girls I want to ask out, I can't! And dating is so insane...people have all kinds of screwed up ideas about dating... I don't know where to start---I still don't even know the best way(s) to ask a girl out! Here I am, 25 years old, & I feel like I have the dating skills of a 16-year-old... What the HELL am I supposed to do?!

I just...I dunno... I don't want anyone to think that I'm feeling suicidal, 'cause I'm not... I'm just completely, ultimately, overwhelmingly stuck in life...and I don't even know where to begin......

"The damned that we number ourselves amongst were not meant for sleep. Our lot is to whittle away hours, awake and brooding."

Update & This Year's Mood

2009-07-25T21:05:00.011-07:00

I've fallen so far behind on my Blogging... When I first started out, I hoped to write a post every week. I know a lot of people say that, and never follow through, but I really felt like I had a lot to say... I did, really...I guess I just got a lot of it out pretty quickly... And all too often there's nothing "new" or "big" to report... Ah, well... At least I actually have something to post now :)

For starters, we got a new puppy around the start of April! :D Another Brittany Spaniel, like Cheetah (who's almost 10 1/2 now). The new puppy's name is Rosie (Alias "Rosie-O", Alias "Little One", Alias "El Destructo" ;)). She's about 6 months old now. And she's...different from Cheetah. Much more athletic, much more strong-willed, and so much more destructive...the amount of liberated pillow-stuffing from our deck furniture is appauling...;) Hopefully she'll grow out of it.

Travelling to Oregon this summer crapped out :( But my dad, my twin brother, & I went to Lake Powell a couple weeks ago! :D First time in 10 years! It was great to go there again... I just wish we could've explored more canyons & Anasazi ruins, & chased more lizards ;) Chasing the lizards is my oldest memory of Lake Powell...and of camping, period... I seriously considered catching one & bringing it home... Also my twin brother & I are going to Mysterium in Spokane next week! :D (What's the D'ni word for "Huzzah!"? ;))

But...

I still want to move out (down to Salt Lake ) so badly...I lose my parent's health insurance when I turn 25 in another 3 weeks...& I need a better-paying job, with benefits... But job-hunting is such masochistic torture...even moreso in this economy... I'm shooting for Costco, but if that craps out, what do I do???

And in the end...

I still miss so many people SO MUCH...especially girls...I miss so many girls...romantically & platonically... One in particular, that's almost always around, but I still miss her nonetheless... As for the others...I've made attempts to reach a lot of them, several times...but I haven't really gotten much of anything from them... I feel like I'm the only one putting anything into these friendships... And there's just no easy way to say "I want you to be a part of my life"...especially when you want more than just a friendship...especially when that isn't possible...

And so I'm left to my own thoughts...and broodings...the following of which I've carefully ordered...

"Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos."

--Charles M. Schulz

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."

--Judy Garland

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over."

--Unknown

"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."

--Robert Heinlein

"One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love someone else."

--Unknown

"It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel."

--Unknown

"The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness."

--Norman Cousins

"Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes."

--Henry David Thoreau

"Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated."

--Alphonse de Lamartine

"I think about you constantly, whether it's with my mind or my heart."

--Albany Bach Reid

"I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you."

--Unknown

"Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color."

--W.S. Merwin, "Separation"

"Within you I lose myself...
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again."

--Unknown

"Days of absence, sad and dreary,
Clothed in sorrow's dark array,
Days of absence, I am weary;
She I love is far away."

--Jean-Jacques Rousseau

"What shall I do with all the days and hours
That must be counted ere I see thy face?
How shall I charm the interval that lowers
Between this time and that sweet time of grace?"

--Frances Anne Kemble

"Oft in the tranquil hour of night,
When stars illume the sky,
I gaze upon each orb of light,
And wish that thou wert by."

--George Linley

"If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden."

--Claudia Ghandi

"Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too."

--Unknown

Courtship Confusion

2009-04-20T11:56:00.004-07:00

Once again, it's been quite a while since I blogged...I just get busy w/the crazy randomness of life, & a lot of things just kind of get pushed onto the back burner... But I really want to keep blogging, & it's about time I discussed a subject I eluded to in my last blog-post: Dating.

Dating is...insane...on numerous levels... Where to begin, where to begin... I suppose my soap-box can be divided into 3 issues:

1- Unequal Gender-Roles
2- "Hanging" vs. "Going" Out
3- Casual True Love

1- Unequal Gender-Roles:

First off, our society clings far too much to archaic rituals & gender-roles... Centuries ago, the man was supposed to be "dominant", & the woman was supposed to be "subordinate". The man was expected to make all these outward manifistations to show that he could provide for her & be a good patriarch, or whatever... But in today's gender-equal world, those kind of ideas just cause problems...

The subject of money is a delicate issue... I'm not saying that "the girl should always pay for herself". Regardless of gender, the more an activity costs, the more the "askee" would expect the "asker" to pay for. But what it really comes down to is that money can become a problem when it comes between equals. It's like money coming between someone & their parents, in-laws, siblings, or friends. In the "guy always pays" world, we have the delicate balance of not wanting to seem "cheap", but not wanting to come off as trying to "buy the girl's affection"...it's a delicate issue...

But even beyond money, we cling to these unequal gender-roles, & turn dating into a horrible roller-coaster... Sometimes the roles even seem to flip, with the guy ending up putting the girl on a pedestal, as if it's only her approval of him that needs to be reached... Men and women are equals, people! Dating is supposed to be 2 people spending time as equals, exploring the possibility of becoming more than friends! It's as simple as that!

2- "Hanging" vs. "Going" Out:

I'll try not to repeat too much of what I said in my 2 early posts titled"Girl Drama"...

Our society seems to take dating far too casually. We horribly blurr the lines between Dating and Friendship. I realize that those two things are far from completely different, but they're not the same thing! It's to the point where (outside of asking out a total stranger, a girl w/a boyfriend, etc.) I just about can't imagine a girl turning me down for a first date. That's not a good thing! If a guy asks a girl out, she seems to think "Oh, he's a nice guy, of course I'll go out with him." A guy wouldn't ask you out if he wasn't sure you thought he was a nice guy! The question is, do you LIKE him?!

When I ask a girl out, it's because I like her! I'm attracted to her! I feel some amount of affection or romantic feelings for her! That doesn't mean I'm anywhere near ready to get into a relationship! It just means that I'm interested! I see the possibility of us becoming more than friends, & I'd like to explore that possibility! I think a guy should be able to say "Do you want to hang out sometime?", & have the girl know that he's just interested in friendship; and for a guy be able to say "Do you want to go out sometime?", & have the girl know that he's interested in more than friendship. But our society has made dating so unbelievably casual, that being straight-forward is interpreted as being...just plain forward... It's become a crime to show interest in someone! Unless, of course, they like you at least as much as you like them...but that just takes us back to the High School mentalitly of dating...

3- Casual True Love:

It isn't just dating that our culture has come to look at so casually...even ideas of relationships and love have been...cheapened... I'm not talking about people who will sleep w/someone at the drop of a hat. I'm talking about normal, everyday, good people, who actually want to find true love. They go through the whole dating process, and even get into relationships, seemingly as "dating" is supposed to go.

But I see people go out only 2 or 3 times, & then suddenly they're in an exclusive relationship! I'm not saying that it can't happen that quickly. Heck, I have an uncle who proposed to my aunt like 3 days after they met, & they've been married for like 40 years, have 7 kids, at least that many grand-kids... But the vast majority of the time, love doesn't happen that quickly. I see people go out 2 or 3 times, get into an exclusive relationship, and then 2 or 3 months later, it's over. And you know what? I'm never that surprised...

I know that far too many people in this world have some screwed-up ideas about love... Some people think that it's the same feeling as attraction & infatuation, only more. It's certainly stronger than that, but it's something inherently different...inherently deeper. And then Disney & Hollywood have told us that love is this larger-than-life, unrealistic thing that totally changes who you are, gives you unlimited strength & patience, & creates this instant "happily-ever-after". Real, true love isn't like that. It takes work.

But no matter how different love is from the cliché we've been taught to believe, I still believe that real, true love is something incredibly special & precious! It's not something that you get rid of at the drop of a hat, or "throw away like a used tissue" as a friend of mine once described it. Real, true love is something that should last! Now I know that for all kinds of reasons, sometimes things just don't work out. But to me, if most of your relationships only last a few months, it means you're doing something wrong! Whether that's being selfish, jealous, or possessive...whether you're taking your partner for granted, or going for the wrong kind of person every time...or even if it's just looking at love & relationships too casually...something's not right.

What I've really come to see is that society (whether consciously or unconsciously) seems to make a distinction between Serious Exclusive Relationships & Casual Exclusive Relationships. I reject ALL notions of a Casual Exclusive Relationship. I look at the very notion with utter distain... Some may ask, "What's wrong with that?" To me it horribly cheapens relationships, the words "I love you", and the very concept of True Love. An old saying says "When you give your heart away, you give it away for good." That doesn't have to mean that you can only truely love once, but it should mean that real, true love is NOT something casual! To me, there's a huge difference between the concepts of "I love you" and "I really, really, really like you."

It's not my place to judge any one person. I don't know all the details of anyone's relationships. But if you're dating someone, whether exclusively or not, I would ask you: Where do you see this going? I'm not saying that you should only date, or only get into a relationship with, someone if you're ready to marry them, but why would you let yourself get emotionally attatched to someone if you thought or knew that it would end?! I don't know what my future holds---I don't know who I'll marry, or when I'll marry, & I'm certainly not going to be ready for it anytime in the near future. But I will never say the words "I love you" and get into an exclusive relationship unless I really think that the relationship will last long-term. At any point in the process---whether it's the first meeting, getting to know them as friends, dating, or in a relationship---if I knew that it wouldn't work out in the long run, I wouldn't take things any further as more than friends. I don't want to go through any more heartache than I have to, & for all I know, "the one" (which term I use loosely) might be "just around the corner".

In the movie "National Treasure", the characters Ben & Abigail had this conversation:

Ben: "My father thinks I've been a little too cavalier in my personal life."
Abigail: "I see."
Ben: "Let me ask you something. Have you ever told someone, not a relative, 'I love you'?"
Abigail: "Yes."
Ben: "More than one someone?"
Abigail: "Yes."
Ben: "Well, then my father says you've been a little too cavalier in your personal life too."

I think that that's rather harsh...like I said for all kinds of reasons, sometimes things just don't work out. So I'm not going to give any kind of numbers or limits on how many people you've loved or been in an exclusive relationship with. But ideally, I think we should all aim for the lowest number possible! What it all comes down to is this: I really think that most people ultimately want to find "the one". Not that there's only one person any of us could ever be with, but that most of us want to find someone that we could be happy with for the rest of our lives. So if that's what most people actually want in the long-term, why are so many people willing to settle for less in the short-term???

I'm not looking for Lust. I'm looking for Love. Real, actual, affectionate, deep, meaningful, lasting, True Love. I fully believe it exists. That's what I'm looking for when I ask girls out, but it's not something I want to rush into. Why does it seem that virtually everyone around me are looking for something cheaper, & are willing to give their hearts away in a heartbeat? Maybe some people are fine with that. But then they have NO reason to complain when that's all they find. Maybe some people think that I'm taking things way too seriously. But I believe that True Love DESERVES to be taken that seriously.

"When the one man loves the one woman and the one woman loves the one man, the very angels desert heaven and come and sit in the house and sing for joy."

Random Stuff

2009-02-15T19:32:00.004-07:00

Well...it's been quite a while since I blogged. Let me tell you why, & what's been going on since then:

School...fell through...I was over-worked, stressed, unmotivated, way behind, sick for 3 months, rethinking my Major... I didn't even go to the last month of school, & didn't take any of my Finals. I have no idea where I want to go school/career-wise, which is just as well, since I have no money for school...

Christmas was good---Nice & relaxing. New Year's Eve was awesome! Dancing to Royal Crown Revue ^_^ I really don't care what the "Lindy Crowd" thinks---Neo-Swing rocks! :P The Utah Lindy Exchange (ULX) was quite awesome as well. Lots of great dances, w/lots of great people (& I wasn't sick for most of it like last year :-\). Swing Club's been getting more organized, & we had an awesome turnout last week. This coming weekend is an event called "Harlem Nights"---2 days of dance workshops w/nationally-renowned instructors :) And next month I'm going to the Sacramento Lindy exchange! :D I'm super-pumped, 'cause I missed it last year.

As for my lack of computer usage, here's the story: Back in October, my little brother got a bunch of virus stuff on our computer... It's happend now & then before, & I'd always managed to fix things, including once back in September (again, it was my little brother...if he does it a third time, I will murder him). But this time...this time the viri basically...won... I spent dozens & dozens of hours over trying to fix things, but to no avail. Just after New Year's, we backed up all our personal files, wiped the hard-drive, & reinstalled everything. It was a long, arduous process, but everything's working good now, & my family has finally stopped bugging me with "Have you reinstalled such-&-such a program yet? >:-\"

Work... I recently got a slight raise, but they've also been cutting hours...& probably will again soon... But I also have this looming deadline ahead of me: I'm still living at home, 'cause I don't have a degree, I don't have money to pay for school to get a degree, I'm not getting hours to get that money! Stupid economy... At any rate, when I turn 25 in August, I won't qualify to stay on my parents' insurance anymore! So, I've got 6 months to find a job with benefits... It's just as well, 'cause I want to move out so badly, I want to scream... You really have no idea...every week it gets worse... My dad is...a very, very aggravating person to live with... I'm 24, for Pete's sake, but he still treats me like a child! I feel like any time or money I spend, I need his approval, or else he starts lecturing me & giving me all kinds of crap... Sigh...I want to move out so badly...

But some stuff's going alright. I love animals :) I'm getting ready to upgrade my Leopard Gecko's habitat this week! Nothing's too good for Zora...she pretty much rocks :) I wish I had money & room for more pets... But I'm really excited that we're getting a new puppy in a few months! We have a nearly 10 year old Brittany Spaniel, Cheetah, & my dad wants her to help train a new puppy to hunt birds before she gets too old. Also, once I get some kind of a stable routine, I really want to do some volunteer work with one of the animal adoption agencies---the Utah Humane Society, Utah Animal Adoption Center, No More Homeless Pets, Pet Samaritan, etc. The number of homeless & euthanized dogs & cats in the U.S. every year is simply appauling...

As for friends & girls...status quo... Things are going "well" with friends, but not nearly as well as I'd like... I'm just...lacking...somehow... And there's been some major drama of some kind between some very dear friends that I wish I could do something about---but it's not my business, & I wouldn't know where to even start, anyway... And girls...are just as perplexing & aggravating as ever...I've recently come to a realization of how society really seems to view dating, relationships, & love, but that deserves it's own blog-post...

On the whole things have been going better for me, but a couple things last night kind of brought the black clouds in again... So it's back to business as usual...brooding... And I'm left to figure out how to......grow up... Find a new job, not kill my dad, move out, grow w/friends, & figure out girls... Pshhh, figure out girls...that's on top of trying to move on from past girls... I'm carrying way too many torches...God in Heaven I'm carrying too many torches...

"Every time that it seems I get too close to the flame
It burns me and leaves me the same
But my heart just won't take it
Another drop will just break it for good
So I cut the tie, in the blink of an eye
And I leave it out there to die...misunderstood"

Ever-Changing Friendships

2008-12-24T21:25:00.005-07:00

It's Christmas Eve, & I wax nostalgic...

The Holiday Season really flew by for me this year... I've been busy w/work, dancing, computer-viri, being exhausted... I guess it hasn't been a total loss...I haven't been completely superficial about Christmas, I've put a little though into it's true meaning, I got all my shopping done, I got some great Christmas-dances in...

But the thing that's really been occupying my thoughts this season is friends. Friends are an interesting thing... They say that "Friends come and go, but family is forever", which I guess is true in a lot of ways. But on the other hand, I would say that "Family is family regardless---but you choose your friends." My family are good people, it's hard to picture my life without them, & they're far from the last people I'd choose to associate with...but they're far from first, too. You might say that friends are the people we choose to be family.

But more than the fact that you choose your friends is that they choose you. We all know people that we think are really cool or really fun, and maybe they "like" us, but they just don't seem to esteem us as highly as we do them (which isn't anything personal). But every now & then, we meet someone that seems to think that we're as awesome as we think they are.

That concept is so wonderful to me... Your family kind of has to love you. Sure, some people's families don't, but there really is an obligation to love your family. And sure, we all have an obligation to "love our fellow man", but that's not quite the same as the deep, personal love of friendship. Friends are people who love you when they don't have to. That's really something special.

At any rate, I've been thinking a lot about my friends...more specifically, about people who "used to be my friends", you might say... I've never had a "falling out" with anyone, but sometimes people just grow apart...people get busy, move on with life, move away... And then one day you realize that your friendship isn't the same. Not like they're simply "someone I used to know", & certainly not like they're "not my friend any more", but more like they're "a friend I used to know".

How sad... I know change is inevitable, & I know that sometimes change is good. But sometimes...sometimes change really sucks. I don't want to lose any more friends...I don't want anyone else to drift away... My friends mean so much to me, & I miss my "old friends" so much...friends from High School, that I've hardly seen since then...friends from the Weber State Swing Club, who I've hardly seen since they left...friends from the Weber State Dance Team, who I've hardly seen since I left...friends from the U of Utah Swing Club, the Golden Skillet, & the Murray Arts Centre, who haven't come in ages...

I don't want anyone else to become "a friend I used to know". Life is about people. I hate it when people leave...I hate missing people that matter to me...because when they're gone, a part of me is missing...

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."

So Very Tired...

2008-12-01T13:55:00.003-07:00

I'm so tired...so tired of being tired... Mentally & emotionally tired, of course...but it's even harder to deal with those when you're always physically tired as well...

I can never get to sleep easily... If I'm absolutetly exhausted, I can get to sleep in maybe half an hour, but most nights, it takes at least an hour, sometimes two... My mind just won't stop working! I can never stop thinking! And if I try not to think, I get bored, & then I'm preoccupied w/being bored...or I get preoccupied w/trying not think... If nothing else, my mind just catches onto whatever random thought strays by...the last thing I was thinking of, a song stuck in my head, something that happened that day, something coming up the next day... Pure sleepiness eventually wins over, but not quickly enough...

And even worse is trying to wake up...I've never been a morning person...even if I get to bed before midnight, I can sleep in 'til 9:00 w/out even trying. But it's gotten worse...this past summer I spent most mornings sleeping in 'til 10:00...and lately when I don't have to be anywhere, I can sleep in 'til 11:00...or later... I'm just so incredibly, unbelievably groggy...my mind just feels like mush... I consider getting up, & I just think "Ughhh..." & fall right back to sleep like that...

But the worst part of all is how the rest of me feels...regardless of how little I wore myself out the night before, regardless of how early I went to bed, in the morning I feel completely & totally drained of energy... My whole body, especially my limbs, especially my legs, feels heavy & tight...often to the point of lightly aching... Every night I go to bed feeling tired (as I should), but then every morning I wake up feeling exhausted...

On one episode of the TV show M*A*S*H, a reporter from the States was asking all the main characters questions about the war, their work, etc. When asked what they hoped to do when the war ended, the character Hawkeye said "I'd like to take six to eight months, and become unconscious...not do anything, not go any place, not have anything asked of me...just sleep... And then I'd like to go to Europe, and sleep there for a year."

Oh, how I echo his sentiment... Sometimes I just want to sleep...and sleep...and sleep...and sleep until I just can't sleep anymore... I wonder what that feels like...to be so rested that you actually want to get out of bed? I have no idea, because I never sleep well...I would kill for a good-night's sleep... And such exhaustion robs me of the day's morale right from the get-go...I have so little motivation to do what needs doing each day...

I'm always tired, I've had a cold for 2 1/2 months, & I have lots of other little medical oddities going on, too... I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so we'll se how it goes. I just hope he can find something wrong with me that has a definite solution. Because I can't function like this...

So very tired...

"Even thus last night, and two nights more I lay,
And could not win thee, Sleep, by any stealth:
So do not let me wear to-night away.
Without thee what is all the morning's wealth?
Come, blessed barrier between day and day,
Dear mother of fresh thoughts and joyous health!"

Destination

2008-11-16T23:22:00.000-07:00

Disillusion

Life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would by this point...they way I hoped it would, & the way I was always told it would... My apologies for the length of this post...

Preparation

There are all kinds of things in life...big things like an LDS guy going on a Mission, or moving away from home...other things like going to college, or getting a job...or seemingly simple things like dating...& plenty of other things as well. These are all perfectly good things, but so often in life, people expect you to do things at a certain time, & in a certain way, but then they do virtually nothing to prepare you for them.

Maybe it's just me. But everyone kept telling me "When it comes to this point, you're expected to do this...", & I just kind of thought "Um, okay." But then the time for those things came, & they basically just threw me to the wolves, expecting me to jump in head first, & hit the ground running...& I just kind of thought "Um...okay?" I don't expect anyone to hold my hand through the important things in life, but so many things...no one every really prepared me for.

Responsibility

Don't think I'm trying to absolve myself of all responsibility. There are plenty of times where I just slacked off. Where I said to myself "I really don't want to do this." Or where I thought I had plenty of time, & just procrastinated. Sometimes I just didn't think things out. Sometimes I made really stupid mistakes. I have plenty of regrets...more than I care to admit...I'm just glad I haven't ruined my life... But I still "dropped the ball" in a lot of areas...

Accountability

But the thing is, when I didn't do a lot of things that I probably should have, no one really said anything... I don't want people to be all over me, getting on my case, but when I "dropped the ball", people just let it slide... I don't know if they though "Oh, he'll get going and do it sooner or later" or what, but people let me get away with mediocrity...with irresponsibility... No one held me accountable for things I probably should have done.

Growth

In short, there are lots of things no one really prepared me for, then I dropped the ball on them, & then no one held me accountable. So for about 3 whole years, I basically went nowhere...stuck in a dead-end job, hardly stretching myself at all, & barely growing at all as a person... And now here I am, at 24 years old...and so many people expect something from me...adulthood. I'm expected to feel like an adult, think like an adult, talk like an adult, act like an adult, live like an adult, & be an adult.

But you know what? I'm not an adult. Sure, I'm a physical & mental adult, but I'm not an emotional adult. I see little point in trying to hide that anymore...it's probably pretty obvious to anyone who knows me more than casually... There are so many things...so much life experience & maturity...that I just don't have... Yeah, I probably should have them, but I don't. I'm 24, & in more than one are of life, I still feel like a 17-year-old Highschooler... I feel so far behind everyone my age...but I have gained some experience, maturity, & growth since High School...so I don't really fit in with that group either...but where does that leave me?

Breaking Point

I feel all this pressure to "catch up" to where I'm "supposed to be", all the while trying not to burn out... And you know what I'm starting to realize? I can't handle everything. I can't handle the stress from school, studying, work, church, family, friends, girls, society... Constant stress from every aspect of life?! It's too much! Something has to give...the question is, what???

Should I give up on school, & just enjoy what I can? Should I give up on work, & consign myself to being dirt-poor & unable to have or do anything I want until I'm graduated w/a great job? Should I give up my social life? Should I give up on my reponsibilites at home, church, or to society? Even if I give up on something, the point is to make time for other things...the other stresses I can't handle, the responsibilities I'm failing in, & the dreams I don't have the time or energy to achieve...

Happiness

But the thing is, even if I "get a handle" on one thing or another, I need to look at the bigger picture. I was going nowhere in life... Then life smacked me upside the head, I got out of my dead-end job, registered for college, chose a major, got a better job...& I was going somewhere... But it's coming to the point where that's not enough...I need to know where I'm going. And need to know that where I'm going will make me happy.

School is such a big part of my life...but my heart is just not in it... I'm so behind on studying, & I'm not sure how I'll make it through Finals...but even more, I'm absolutely dreading starting next Semester, because I'm not sure anymore if I'm going where I should be. I started in Middle East Studies because I like dabbling in exotic languages, & Arabic is a really valuable language to know. I wanted to get a degree where my skills would be in demand. I don't want to have to be a slave to work...just another Joe Punch-Clock...another Nine-to-Five Nobody...

Arabic is very in demand, but I still don't know what I'll do with it. And the further I get into school, the more afraid I am that I'll end up somewhere I don't want to be... somewhere that will make me unhappy... I'm afraid to invest...or waste...any more time, money, & energy in college if I don't know where I'm going. I need to know that my direction will lead me to happiness.

Solution?

I'm seriously doubting my major...I'm seriously doubing if I should even register for classes next semester... But I don't know what to do. I don't want to slip into another horrible rut of going nowhere, but I don't know how to find out where I want my life to go...how to find out what will make me happy. And if I don't know how, I certainly don't know how long it will take to find out...

"The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going."

People-Skills

2008-11-09T19:26:00.004-07:00

I'm severely lacking in certain people-skills...

I have this friend...at least I thought they were a friend...that I haven't seen in ages. I really value their friendship, & I miss them like crazy. But I feel like they've been blowing me off... I don't message them too often by any means, but often enough that they should realize I'm not just randomly messaging them in passing. I really think they should realize that I miss them & want to see them. But I'm getting nothing back...I feel like I'm the only one putting anything into our friendship...

I really want them to know that I miss them, and that I'm hurt that I never see or even hear from them. But I don't want to come off as clingy or needy... More than anythying, I'm don't want to elicit a pity-friendship response... As a little kid I was a total nerd, & got picked on a lot, so a lot of the nice kids were particularly "nice" to me. But I knew that it wasn't because they actually wanted to spend time with me---it was because they felt sorry for me. I don't want that, because it's not real. It's not...genuine. It means a lot to me when people say or do things they don't have to. But more importantly, when they do them for the right reasons.

I feel like if I confronted my friend about this, they'd almost certainly make the time to spend some time with me. But I couldn't be sure if it was because they felt bad for hurting me, or because they felt bad about themself. The first would be more about making me feel better, and the latter about making them feel better. If this friend of mine spends time with me, I want it to be because they actually want to spend time with me. I don't want them to spend time with me out of guilt... I guess what I'm afraid of the most is that I don't mean as much to them as a friend as I thought I did...

Maybe I'm over-thinking things, and making the situation a bigger deal than it should be...but genuineness is very, very important to me... Any real, lasting friends I've had have come from a very genuine love for me as a person. Anything else I've had have just been "nice people" that I've been "acquainted with". Which is nice, but it's not friendship...and it shouldn't be disguised as such. I just wish I knew what to do about this friend of mine...

I'm severely lacking in certain people-skills...

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

Pressure, Purpose, & Passion

2008-11-06T15:57:00.014-07:00

Burnout

I've been working extra hours this week & last, & I've hardly had time to breathe... I've been fighting burout so bad...I've been so wasted, I've skipped school 3 times this week... Sometimes you need time to just do nothing...I'm not talking about time to "slack off", I'm talking about time to relax, wind down, decompress... And it's even harder, because I'm dying to move out...at 24 I'm itching for my independence. I'm not just some impatient kid wanting to be able to do whatever he wants. I may not have everything "figured out", but I'm not going to screw up my life. And at this point, I'd rather learn my lessons on my own than have them shoved down my throat.

But I don't know if moving out would make things any easier... I'm doing school full-time (and drowning in it, no less). Working full time in addition to that would kill me... And yet some people do it! And more than that, they seem to be able to handle it! They even seem happy in life! How?! Seriously! I want to know! How do you do it? How do you do full time school and work without burning out?

You're Not Paid to Think

The thing is, the world doesn't give a damn about my morale... All the world cares about is that I live up to the bar everyone else has set... Society has all these things they've always told me that I have to do... Why? Why do I have to do all these things? Why do I have to be "Peter Priesthood" in the Church? Why do I have to go through 4 years of college & graduate with a Bachelor's Degree? Why do I have to get a 2-story house in the suburbs with a 2-car garage & 2.5 children? Why do I have to work 9 to 5, Monday through Friday?

Get to Work

I'm not saying that any of those things are bad, but why do I absolutely have to do any of those things? Can't I just live the way I know is right? Why are people who don't go through college viewed as not being responsible? Is there some law written into the fabric of existence that says you're a slacker if you're not punching in 40 hours a week? I just feel like I'm jumping through hoops...I feel like I'm living up to everyone's expectations...like I'm living for everyone else, & not for me... I don't know how long I can sit on society's conveyer-belt while they send me along down the assembly-line...

Maybe I should do some or all of those things I mentioned before...but I don't know that for myself yet. If there's something in life that I really should do, I want to know that I should do it, and I want to be motivated to do it. But I don't want to do it just because everyone else thinks I should. That's no reason to do anything. I want to know my path for myself. I want a purpose in life. I know there's a purpose to life, but I don't seem to have a purpose for myself...

Individuality

But more than that, I want to know what drives me. I don't have that yet... What drives everyone else? What drives you? What's your passion in life? There are things I care about, of course. But there's nothing I've found that I want to focus my life on. And in the meantime, I find myself just surviving...trying to enjoy the present, & prepare for the very near future...it's getting very, very tiring...

"...I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear...I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...as to put to rout all that was not life..."

Detox

2008-11-02T21:40:00.005-07:00

I've recently gotten into watching reruns of the medical show "House, M.D." Quite an interesting show. The main character, Dr. Gregory House, is an absolutely brilliant doctor, but has absolutely no cander or social tact of any kind. He's a crass, blunt, & insultive individual. The other important thing to know is that he's handicapped. He had an aneurysm in his leg years ago, which killed a lot of nerve tissue. He walks around with a cane and a severe limp, which he's quite bitter about. And his leg still hurts because of it. You'll see him pop a few pain pills at least once in nearly every episode.

At any rate, on the episode that played last week, "Detox", the hospital administrator gave House enough incentive to go without pain pills for a week. Throughout the episode, his withdrawl symptoms increased terribly, leaving him distracted, breathing heavily, and with big, red bags under his eyes (all while trying to solve another difficult case before the patient dies).

House made it a week without his pills, but went right back to using them afterwards. While talking with his friend, Dr. Wilson, he admitted to being an addict, but said it wasn't a problem. The conversation heated up as Wilson insisted that House had changed since the aneurysm, and finally House slammed his cane down onto the table, shouting "Of course I've changed!" After a few moments of silent tension, Wilson carefully asked "...And everything’s the leg? Nothing’s the pills? They haven’t done a thing to you?" House gave Wilson a steely, unwavering look, and said "They let me do my job. And they take away my pain."

I like to think that most people aren't addicted to any drugs or actual substances. But sometimes lifestyles, habits, behaviors, actions, or even simple mind-sets can be things that we depend on far too much. These things can be good, neutral, or bad, but even the good ones can be unhealthy if we're using them too much, at the wrong times, or in the wrong ways. We cling to these things as coping strategies, or even as crutches, to deal with the problems and pain in our lives. To one extent or another, I think most of us are psychological/emotional addicts.

Addiction is no way to live, but Detox is the hardest part. We try to go without our familiar, comfortable, chaining coping strategies. But the withdrawl symptoms set in, and we find ourselves facing the pain we've avoided, terrified of not knowing when we'll make it through. And even worse, sometimes we don't know how to make it through. We need a Plan B. Without some alternate plan, some better, healthier coping strategy, we ultimately give up, and turn back to our addictive coping strategies.

I think we all know at heart that our shallow, selfish, fear-based coping strategies are bad for us. But they let us do our job. And they take away our pain. The trick is to find Plan B...because the torturous cycle of starting & quitting Detox continues forever without it...

"It is not heroin or cocaine that makes one an addict, it is the need to escape from a harsh reality. There are more television addicts, more baseball and football addicts, more movie addicts, and certainly more alcohol addicts in this country than there are narcotics addicts."

Time of My Life

2008-10-27T11:30:00.008-07:00

Ever since I can remember, people have always told me that this (whenever that was) was the "time of my life". That I should be "living it up" and enjoying life because it was "my time". But no matter what age I was, people always told me that. Your entire life can't be the "time of your life". Yeah, life should be enjoyed all around, but the idea of there being a "time of your life" suggests that one particular part of you life is "your time". And everyone has their own opinions on just what part of your life that is. I don't expect any time in life to be totally care-free any 100% fun, but life isn't meant to be be all stress & work with the occasional distraction...we're supposed to enjoy life...

But one way or the other, I still have yet to find that time...

Being a little kid was supposed to be the "time of my life", because I didn't have any real responsibilities. But at that age, life is so simple...there may not be any big worries, but there's no great joys either. You're innocent, but also...ignorant. Then when I got into Jr. High it was supposed to be the "time of my life", because I was older, and could try new & better things. But all that age was to me was a reminder of all the things I couldn't do yet...just an impatience for the future. Then High School was supposed to be the "time of my life". I was supposed to be hanging out with friends, going to parties, driving, dating, and having fun in between school & studying. But I just found myself standing on the fringe of the social scene, without a clue how to talk to girls...

Finally, getting into College was supposed to be the "time of my life". I was supposed to be an adult, making my own decisions, moving out, finding a serious girlfriend, gaining freedom... But I'm still living like an 18-year-old...I'm swamped with school, I'm too busy to hang out with friends much, I can hardly ever get dates, I'm sick of living with my parents, I'm broke, and I don't know when I'll ever be able to move out...

When is this "time of my life" actually going to start???

"Happiness: We rarely feel it.
I would buy it, beg it, steal it,
Pay in coins of dripping blood
For this one transcendent good."

Twitterpation Syndrome

2008-10-15T18:08:00.005-07:00

All too often, people talk as if being Twitterpated is nothing more than that emotion you feel when you first find yourself enamored with someone. But if that someone turns out to be someone very special, it lasts a lot longer than that. When you find someone that, for whatever reason, is just so wonderful to you, it can last for years. Even if you develop deeper feelings for them, Twitterpation is still that rush of emotion you get where your heart just oozes every time you see them smile.

But people also talk as if being Twitterpated is always this wonderful, fluttery, dreamy, frolicking-through-the-meadows, head-in-the-clouds, happy feeling. Twitterpation isn't so nice to deal with when you can't pursue your feelings. Sometimes that wonderful person doesn't feel the same, sometimes you can't find out if they do, and sometimes (for all kinds of reasons) you don't have a green light even if they do. When things aren't looking so great, being Twitterpated...just makes you crazy.

It's a cruel torment when you can't be with someone. It's like a disease... Especially when you really think they might want to be closer to you if certain...things...were different. Twitterpation Syndrome gnaws at your heart, keeping you up at night... You spend so much time thinking about them, missing them, and wanting to be around them. But then when you are, you find yourself starting to wish that you weren't, so you could stop thinking about them. Unfortunately, that never happens, because that was the problem in the first place.

They say that "time heals all wounds"... It does to a certain extent, but it's not enough. Getting over someone isn't nearly that simple. When wounds are really deep, they don't heal all the way on their own---they need help. That help is something that no one can give you except another person who strikes that certain, special chord in you. You can't "move on" unless you have someone else to move on to. But if you don't have that, you're just...screwed. Because you're just left there, still Twitterpated with someone you can't be with...

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."

Theme Song

2008-10-12T20:53:00.004-07:00

We all have our favorite music...styles, bands, songs... Music we think is really fun, rocking, or otherwise just... indefinably awesome. But how often do you run into a band or song whose lyrics really have...soul? Lyrics that just seem to speak to you. And for you. The Goo Goo Dolls do that for me. And with all the chaos and strange luck that life has brought, me there's one song that just feels like it was written for me. I wonder if any of you knows why...

"And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
You saw the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Tossed along the way
Letters that you never meant to send
Lost or blown away

And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
Don't belong to no one, that's a shame
You could hide beside me, maybe for a while

And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name

Scars are souveneirs you never lose
The past is never far
And did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are?

You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio

And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name

I think about ya all the time, but I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are, come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name"

Unrequited

2008-10-09T11:04:00.005-07:00

"Wanna put my tender
Heart in a blender
Watch it spin around
To a beautiful oblivion..."

I still have yet to be turned down for a first date, but I recently got turned down for a second date. That may not sound like a big deal to most people, but it's the first time I've ever been turned down period (and that is not a good thing). One girl just made excuses & avoided me until I got the hint (which I'm still pretty bitter about), but every other girl I ended up just giving up on...either because I could tell she just wasn't interested, or even worse, because I could tell that she didn't realize that I was interested... I'm glad a girl finally had the sense to realize I was interested and the spine to turn me down.

But in the long run, it doesn't do me much good...

Creative writing is not my strong suit, but every once in a very blue moon, the Muse strikes, & I can pull off a half-decent (if short) piece of poetry. I wrote this poem several years ago, but never shared it with anyone. I've omitted the first stanza, as it was about a specific girl. But the other 3 stanzas are pretty universal---I think every guy out there can empathize with me on this:

"She stole my heart, but my affection
She could not return
The pain consumes me, and I feel
My soul within me burn

Why must heartache hurt so much?
What power can ease the sting?
This torment rips my heart apart
In endless suffering.

The sweetest angel that I've met
In years has gripped me so
Affection unrequited
Is the cruelest pain I know"

I have such horrible luck with girls... Some guys, once they find out that a girl is a "tough one" or even "unobtainable", they just can't help but go for her. For me, it's the other way around. I meet all these attractive, sweet, wonderful girls, and then I find out that they're too young, too old, have a boyfriend, aren't LDS, are just visiting from out of state... Seriously, like 95% of the girls I find myself interested in aren't even an option!

But the worst part is that when I actually do find a girl who's attractive, sweet, 18-24, single, LDS, & lives around Salt Lake, they're never interested! What is it about me? Am I unattractive? Am I boring? Am I awkward? Am I creepy? I don't expect to win any contests in any of those areas, but I'm open to honest advice!

I'm just tired of wasting my time, & getting nowhere... I don't want to lower my standards, and I shouldn't have to, because they're not unrealistic. And I don't want pity... Going on a pity-date with someone is basically saying "I think you're so socially awkward & incapable, and I feel so sorry for you, that I'm going to lower & debase myself to throw you a bone." It's demeaning, it's degrading, it's insulting. I don't want pity...pity-dates, pity-friendships...pity-anything. Everyone wants sympathy, but not pity. I don't want it, and I don't need it. I may not be Mr. Personality, but I can hold my own socially. And the thing is, I don't just deserve to know or believe that someone has feelings for me---I deserve to have someone have feelings for me.

I just wish I knew what else I can do...because I'm still at square-1, with unrequited feelings...

"I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want another lover at my door
It's just another heartache on my list

I don't want to be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore"

The Art of Teaching, Part 2: The Teaching Diamond

2008-10-05T12:44:00.003-07:00

Part 2 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Teaching:

Few things make school more frustrating than bad teachers. The most interesting of subjects can't be enjoyed (let alone learned) if the teacher doesn't know how to teach. Bad teachers come in many forms, so it's hard to describe all of the problems. But a very effective way I've discovered is with a diagram I've come up with that I call the Teaching Diamond:

The first question to ask is what Movtivations someone has to become a teacher. The first is obivous---an Interest in the Subject, which are the Left and Top corners of the Diamond. After all, why would you become a teacher if you didn't like the subject you were teaching? But unfortunately, I think far too many teachers use this as their only motivation to become a teacher. They seem to think "I really don't know what I want to do...but I really like this subject, so, I guess I'll teach it..."

But that leaves out an essential motivation---an Interest in Teaching, which are the Left and Bottom corners of the Diamond. Why would someone become a teacher if they didn't have a passion for teaching?! All it does is rob themselves of finding a more fulfiling career, and rob their students of an effective education.

The second question to ask is what Qualifications someone needs to become a teacher. The first is obvious---a Knowledge of the Subject, which are the Right and Top corners of the Diamond. After all, what kind of respecable school would hire a teacher who wasn't thoroughly knowledgable in the subject they were teaching? But as with movtivations, far too many schools use someone's knowledge as the only qualification for becoming a teacher. As much as they can afford, they hire the people with the most distinguished-sounding degrees and education. They seem to think "The more someone knows about a subject, the better they'll be able to teach it."

But that leaves out an essential qualification---a Knowledge of Teaching, which are the Right and Bottom corners of the Diamond. Knowing information about a subject, no matter how much, says absolutely nothing about your ability to teach it effectively! No matter how much you know about something, your ability to teach it is based on your ability to see from the view of those who know nothing, break it down, simplify it, start from the basics, build from there, and handle different styles of learning. Hiring people based on mere knowledge only further robs students of an effective education.

I don't want Professors---people who merely profess their knowledge, who just lecture, who rattle off cold information that could just as easily be obtained from a book or the internet. I want Teachers---people who understand how others learn, and how to teach. To be a teacher requires an Interest of both their Subject and of Teaching, and a Knowledge of both their Subject and of Teaching. The Center of the Teaching Diamond is where all teachers should be. Far too many focus on the Top corner, and forget the Bottom corner, which severely retards their ability. Because as important as the Subject is to teaching, the foundation of teaching is Teaching itself!

The thing is, a well-written book or web-page can be a much more effective teaching agent than a droning professor. The reason classes have a teacher intead of a just a textbook is so there can be someone who can tell you more than what the book does, and explain things better than any book can. That isn't going to happen if the teacher doesn't know how to teach. And something as dynamic as teaching isn't something that can be learned, no matter how much training you have, if you don't have a passion for teaching.

I want to see passion in academics. Nothing would be more refreshing.

"If you want to build a ship, then don't drum up men to gather wood, give orders, and divide the work. Rather, teach them to yearn for the far and endless sea."

The Art of Teaching, Part 1: My Personal Rant

2008-09-30T18:56:00.006-07:00

Part 1 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Teaching:

I swear, not all my posts are going to be 2-parters...but I really need to take a whole post just to rant about my current teachers & professors...they're nice people, but I just don't like any of them, particularly their teaching styles:

1. My Intro to Stats Teacher: She's from Eastern Europe, & has a thick accent. I can understand her fine, but it just bugs me when people don't learn to speak English right... It's one thing if they're really new to the language...but when they can speak it quickly & fluidly, & have an extensive vocabulary, they should've had enough practice to improve on their American accent. The accent is an intregal part of any languange... If someone clearly has a strong grasp of a language, but don't even seem to be trying to speak with a correct accent, it just strikes me as...lazy...

2. My Intermediate Writing Teacher: He's a Grad Student. He knows his stuff, he's a nice guy, and he's got a good sense of humor, but...there's a complete lack of structure in his class. We basically have no idea what we're going to do on any given day until the class period before. His "lessons" don't fit together in any more than the vaguest, most general of ways. It just seems like a kind of random class...

3. My Middle East History Teacher: The class covers 1798-1914 (last century of the Ottoman Empire). My professor is a nightmare... First off, there's no textbook! How can you have a history class without a textbook?! No slideshows, no powerpoint presentations, no maps...no visual aids of any kind, except for a few random words & phrases he scribbles in no particular order on the chalkboard, & then points at them at the appropriate times in his lecture...

Basically, it's him lecturing all class long. And his lectures...my gosh...they're so random & disjointed...he just rambles on, off on tangents that don't seem to connect together to any relevant theme... You know what it's like? It's like this:

http://www.truveo.com/Strike-Breakers/id/3352720668

I swear, it's barely 5 minutes in to every one of his lectures before I start half-expecting him to say "So the Sultan tied an onion to his belt, which was the style at the time..." I don't know how many more of his rambling lectures I can take...

4. My Arabic Teacher: He's a nice guy, and he knows his stuff, but...ugh... First of all, he has a heavy Arabic accent. The fact that he doesn't even try to speak with a correct American accent when he's trying to get us to speak with a correct Arabic accent comes off as not just lazy, but...arrogant, in a way...

But more than that, it's his style of teaching...it's like he makes us guess what words mean! He'll keep saying a word in different contexts, or use body language, or draw it on the whiteboard... By the time I finally understand what the word is, I think "Oh...why didn't he just say that???" Learning vocabulary goes at a crawling pace the way he teaches...

I've had all kinds of other terrible teachers before, too...teachers who seem to take absolutely no joy in their field, or in the act of teaching...teachers who just seem crabby all the time...teachers who just lecture on & on, not even wondering if the students are absorbing or understanding the information... So many teachers are just...lacking...in certain ways... I'm sure everyone can relate to this.

Stay tuned for my thoughts on just what all those teachers are lacking...

"The aim of education should be to teach us rather how to think, than what to think--rather to improve our minds, so as to enable us to think for ourselves, than to load the memory with thoughts of other men."

Girl Drama, Part 2: Indecisiveness

2008-09-26T11:21:00.006-07:00

Part 2 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Girl Drama:

Now that you understand my thoughts on girls' Spinelessness, the other major issue I have with girls is their Indecisiveness. Why does it take so long for a girl to decide whether or not she likes a guy? Why is it so hard? Why do girls seem so afraid to let themselves like a guy?

Our society horribly blurs the lines between dating & friendship. I know they're not completely different, but they're not the same thing! People will say "Oh, but the first date or two should be really casual, because you don't want to rush things." Sure, I'm all for taking things slow & not rushing. But there comes a point when things can be too casual. When it's so casual that you're sitting there thinking "Is this a date, or what?" One of the last girls I "went out with" I still don't think realizes that I thought it was a date...

It can be a date, and still be casual. But it can be casual, and still be a date!

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I like to make a little distinction between "hanging out" and "going out". I have plenty of female friends that I'd love to "hang out with", even one on one. But the last thing I want is to give them the wrong impression, & make them think that I'm interested. If I want to hang out with a girl, I would think I could just say "Hey, we should hang out sometime." But if I'm interested in a girl, I want to go out with her. So why can't I just say "Hey, do you want to go out sometime?" Why can't I be clear about my intentions? Or more poignantly, why can't girls understand such clear intentions?

Ladies, like I said in my last post, if you just pay attention to obvious social cues, you should be able to tell what a guy's intentions are. In other words, you should be able to tell whether a guy is asking you to "hang out" or "go out". Sure, sometimes people just "hang out" and then end up dating later. But some guys have a really hard time doing that without getting sucked into the "Just Friends" category. After all, the longer you know someone, the harder (and more awkward) it is to try to "change" the relationship to something more. At what point do you "change" things? Some of us can know fairly soon if we could be interested in a girl, so why can't we "ask the girl out" before we know them really, really well as a friend?

At any rate, here's something that I really don't think a lot of girls realize: If a guy "asks you out", it's because he likes you! Shocking, huh? But just because he "likes you", doesn't mean he's practically in love with you and ready to be your boyfriend! It feels like girls really "hold out" on letting themselves like a guy until they're "really sure" that he could be someone they could get serious with. Being interested in someone has nothing to do with being ready for something serious!

You want pure honesty? I'd say between half and two-thirds of the girls I know, I'd like to go out with, based on physical and emotional attraction. It's not that I'm interested in just anyone (because there's plenty of girls that I'm just not interested in), but I'm not picky! Attractive, sweet, wonderful girls are in no short supply---they're everywhere!

So ladies, when a guy asks you out, it's because he's interested in you. So at heart, "Do you want to go out sometime?" isn't really the guy asking "Do you want to go do something together?" He's asking if you're interested in him. He's asking "Are you at all attracted to me? Do you feel any amount of affection for me? Do you feel any desire to be closer to me? Do you see any possibility of us becoming more than just friends? Do you feel any romantic feelings for me?"

But again, being interested in someone has nothing to do with being ready for something serious! It's about how you feel about them! Yeah, if you barely know a guy, then I don't expect you to know if you're interested. But you don't have to know a guy intimately to know how they make you feel! All you really need is to know their personality, and to understand what kind of a person they are. Sometimes it takes months, but sometimes only weeks or days---it all just depends on the quality of your interactions with them.

When I go out socializing, I put myself out there openly & honestly. Shallow, social-climbing people aren't the type of people who would want to hang around me, and I'm not rich or popular anyway, so people have nothing to gain by taking advantage of me socially. And the kind of girls that I'd be interested in would be the same. Additionally, the fact that I'm LDS says a whole lot about the kind of person I am and what I'm looking for (and the same goes for the LDS girls I'm looking for.). So honestly, after several different interactions with someone, I take them for what they seem. And you know what? Very seldom have I ever been very wrong about the kind of person someone is.

What it all comes down to is this: I can know fairly soon if I'm interested---why can't girls? Make up your minds! Are you attracted to him or not? Do you feel anything for him or not? It's okay to be interested in someone, and it's also okay not to be! So if you're just not interested in a guy, then admit it to yourself, and to him! As great a guy as he might be, if you just don't feel it, then you just don't feel it!

Do you know what happens otherwise? You lead guys on. I've been lead on for entire summers and plenty of time in between... I'd say literally around three-fourths of the heartache I've gone through could've been avoided if the girls had just turned me down. I don't want to be led on anymore...God in heaven, I don't want to be lead on anymore... I can handle rejection, and I can handle break-ups. But the idea of being led on again like I have before just makes me want to curl up in the fetal position in the corner of a closet & sob uncontrollably...I'm not even kidding...

"If you can't make your mind up
We'll never get started
And I don't want to wind up
Being parted, broken-hearted

So if you really love me, say yes
But if you don't, dear, confess
And please don't tell me
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps"

Girl Drama, Part 1: Spinelessness

2008-09-21T20:42:00.007-07:00

Part 1 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Girl Drama:

Girls suck.

I'm sorry, but I had to say it. Ladies, I love you, and I think about a lot of you far too much, but ugh...girls make things so hard... Guys have our problems, I'll freely admit, but girls are the ones who make things really complicated. For all our faults, guys think in very simple, straight-forward terms. But girls have a very...irrational...way of feeling about things. We cause our share of drama, but half of it is us just fumbling around, trying to respond to the drama that girls cause---and usually misinterpreting it. Even Freud, after decades of studying the human psyche, was quoted as saying "What do women want?"

As few have the patience to read uber-long blog-posts, and as I have quite a lot to say on this subject, I'm again breaking my thoughts into 2 separate posts, on the topics of Spinelessness and Indecisiveness. On the subject of the former, I have 2 main ideas to touch on: Asking guys out, and turning guys down.

Asking Guys Out:

A number of years ago, I went to a Young Adult Conference. During part of it, they had a panel of 3 couples, in their mid-to-late 20s, who had each been married for 1-4 years (relatively newly-weds), & they were there to take questions & give advice on dating & courtship. There was about 50 of us in the room, with a pretty even number of guys & girls. At one point, they asked how many of the guys would feel comfortable with a girl asking us out for a first date (other than a Girls' Choice Dance), and about 10-12 of us raised our hands (close to half of the guys). Then they asked the girls how many of them would feel comfortable asking a guy out for a first date (other than a Girls' Choice Dance), and about 3 girls raised their hands.

Why is it that most girls still aren't willing to ask guys out??? This is the 21st Century, people! Guys & girls are supposed to be equals! Half the drama in dating these days exists because we cling to a number of outdated, antiquated, archaic courtship stereotypes & rituals that just don't work in today's society. All they do is cause needless drama & stress.

Whether it's ideas of the guy always asking the girl out, the guy always paying (which I don't want to get into here), the guy always picking the girl up, or anything else, it makes it seem as if the guy has to be in charge. It was one thing hundreds of years ago, when men were always seen as dominant, & women were always seen as subordinate. But when we cling to these unbalanced ideas of behavior, it runs against the grain of modern gender-equality, and just invites confusion & awkwardness.

Ladies, any decent guy is ultimately looking for an equal partner. You asking us out isn't horribly forward---it's intelligent, social, normal behavior that we understand. If guys can be direct & show their interest, why can't you???

Turning Guys Down:

Girls are far too nice. I'm not saying that girls should be mean, rude, or unfeeling, but why is it that girls will not turn a guy down??? I have never been flat-out turned down for a date---and that is not a good thing! Literally half the reason I'm afraid to ask girls out is because I'm afraid they'll say yes when they're not even interested!

Some will say "Oh, of course they'll say yes, because they don't know you. They don't know whether or not they like you." Bull-honky. There is only 1 time I've ever asked a girl out the day I met her. It's not usually that easy to get to know someone within just a few minutes of meeting them. Why in the world would you agree to go out with someone you just barely met? Someone who's basically a complete stranger? Someone who could turn out to be a total psycho?

When I ask girls out, it's usually someone I've started seeing on a regular or semi-regular basis at social events, like Swing Dancing. I get a dance or two with them every week, have a few nice, casual conversations each time, let them see me in a social context with other people, and basically give them a chance to see the kind of person I am. And during that time, I get the chance to see what kind of person they are. So within a week or two, maybe a month, I know how old they are, what religion they are, if they're single, etc, and I have a decent feel for their personality. And more importantly, they should have a decent feel for my personality.

So why do girls continuously agree to go out with me when they're not even interested?! What is it about the phrase "Do you want to go out sometime?" that they don't understand? If anything, I would think that phrase would be a bit too forward, but apparently not. I've been led on so many times by girls who either didn't have the sense to understand I was interested, or didn't have the spine to admit that they weren't!

First of all, if a guy asks you to do something with him, just ask yourself "What are his intentions?" If you just wake up & read obvious social cues, you should be able to figure it out. And if you really can't tell by asking yourself, ask him! Second, there's a difference between "turning a guy down" and "rejecting" a guy. Rejection is if he asks you out, & you say "No!" That's harsh, & the only guys who deserve that are the total creeps.

There's no "ideal" way to turn a guy down, but the "best" way has 3 parts: Compliment, "but", & Turn-Down. Start off by saying something like "you're a great guy" or "you're a good" friend, or even "thank you" or "I'm flattered". Then say "but", and finish with "I think we should just be friends". Just like that. It's sensitive to his feelings, and honest about yours. If it's a guy who's not taking a hint, you could be a little more direct by alternately ending with "I just don't feel that way about you". And if it's someone you don't know very well, or that you're probably not going to see or run into again soon, you could end with "I actually have a boyfriend." It may not be honest, but at least you're not leading him on.

What it all comes down to is this: If guys have the spine to be honest about our feelings, the least you can do is have the spine to be honest about yours.

"A woman is a creature
That has always been strange
Just when you're sure of one
You find she's gone and made a change"

Human Mind, Part 2: The Psychology of Shame

2008-09-17T16:19:00.003-07:00

Part 2 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Psychology, Shame, Emotion, & the Human Mind:

Shame is an interesting concept, but it's often thought of in a very negative way. What particularly comes to mind is a lot of Religious Culture. Far too many Christian groups act as if we're all horrible sinners, and we should feel good about feeling bad about it. Then they turn around and act as if it's sinful to be too happy in life, because we need to feel bad about how sinful we are. They basically say that it's good to feel bad, and bad to feel good! What a horribly confusing, self-defeating, self-shaming philosophy...

But the concept of Shame is very different from what most people are used to---and very important to understand. And it's the central theme of what I'm convinced is the way Psychology works. I learned about it from a book a friend recommended to me:

"Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw.

We almost always equate Shame with Guilt, but that's not quite right. Shame originally had another meaning, which some other languages still have, but which has been lost in modern English. In short, Shame is "a sense of one's own limitations and boundaries". Guilt is Moral Shame---feelings we get when we transgress our moral boundaries. Embarrassment is Social Shame---feelings we get when we find ourselves in a social situation that we're not prepared to handle. Fear of Death is Mortal Shame---feelings we get when we're confronted with something that could hurt or kill us.

There are more examples, but this should give you the basic idea. Shame lets us know that we're not immortal, all-powerful, all capable, or all-knowing. It lets us know that there are consequences to all our actions, whether physical, mental, emotional, moral, or social. It's a central and defining part of our Humanity. It's the perspective from which we all view & interpret the world around us, and decide how to act.

A common diagram used in Psychology shows 3 concentric circles: The inner-most one is "Ego". In psychological terms, this doesn't mean "being full of yourself", but rather one's own "central sense of self". Everyone has an Ego, but it's bloated Egos that are bad. The middle circle is "Feelings", and the outer circle is "Behavior". Our Ego (sense of self) affects how we emotionally react to and feel about things, and our Feelings affect how we choose to behave. Behavior is the only thing others can really see, but merely treating Behavior is only treating a symptom. Even treating Feelings isn't enough---you have to go to the core of what causes those Feelings.

We're all "Shamed" throughout our lives. Sometimes others Shame us, buy telling us that we're stupid, weak, or no good. Sometimes we're Shamed by our own consciences, because of things we're doing that we know are wrong. And sometimes we Shame ourselves, by unfairly comparing ourselves to others. I think everyone is Shamed in all of these ways, at least a little, at some point in their lives. But when someone is shamed a lot, and they dwell on that Shame too much, they do something very destructive: They make their Shame their Ego---they make their sense of Imperfection their sense of Self.

This is when Shame becomes Toxic. Everyone needs a healthy sense of Shame, but when people make their Shame their Ego, they basically say inside themselves "I am flawed and defected as a human being." Healthy Shame says "I did something bad", but Toxic Shame says "I am bad." Healthy Shame says "I made a mistake", but Toxic Shame says "I am a mistake." There's so much more in this book than I could explain in one Blog post, but it shows how this concept of Toxic Shame is the basis for so many common emotional problems, from simple self-consciousness to raging neuroses.

Read this book. Because this is how Psychology works. I know because I've seen it---in my own life, and in the lives of everyone around me.

"Seek knowledge and you will find evil.
Seek wisdom and you will find knowledge.
Seek truth and you will find wisdom.
Seek love and you will find truth."

Human Mind, Part 1: The Shame of Psychology

2008-09-14T16:10:00.004-07:00

Part 1 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Psychology, Shame, Emotion, & the Human Mind:

Psychology is a very interesting subject, but far too many people these days don't give Psychology or Psychologists very much respect. I think it's because a lot of Psychologists & their avenues of thought (though not all) are kind of screwed up.

Freud had a lot of great ideas, but also some that were a bit "out there", or at least much more uncommon than he seemed to think. Too many Psychologists cling to those "extreme" concepts, and entirely base their thinking on them. Others think that Psychology is nothing more than applied Biology---nothing but neurons, synapses, & electro-chemical impulses. But that removes any element of heart, spirit, or soul---the truly human elements.

Other Psychologists seem to think that because they "understand it all", that they're somehow "above it all", like it doesn't apply to them. But that just distances them from their clients, and retards their ability to empathize with & help others. Then there are Psychologists who think that some behaviors & attitudes are perfectly healthy, when in reality they're quite mentally & emotionally unhealthy. This has little to do with their expertise in their field, but more to do with their own personal views & life values.

At any rate, far too many people think that Psychologists are just "screwed up", and that anyone who needs a Psychologist is inherently either "screwed up" or "weak" as a person. But Psychologists who have their heads on straight can be quite effective & helpful. I've known several people who have been to Therapy, Counseling, or whatever else you want to call it, & benefited greatly. Psychological Therapy/Counseling is about talking with someone who knows how the mind works, who can help you when you're in over your head. Sometimes it's having someone to talk with about your problems who won't feel like you're "burdening them". And sometimes it's just about having someone "safe" to talk to, who won't callously dismiss, judge, or criticize you & your problems.

Stay tuned for my own personal views on Psychology. In the meantime, just try to broaden your minds as to the benefits of Psychological Thought. Think about just how busy, harsh, confusing, & chaotic our world & society are. Sometimes people reach their limit. Sometimes people don't know what to think or feel, or how to handle their own emotions while trying to handle the entirety of life on this rock.

"Insanity in individuals is something rare--but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule."

The Blog Begins

2008-09-10T21:09:00.000-07:00

So, I finally decided to get a Blog. I've always had thoughts and feelings that I've wanted to express, aloud or in writing, but I've never had a good forum or venue in which to do it. And I'm not exactly Mr. Extrovert, either. So I thought I'd give the whole "Blog" thing a try. Not that I have any idea what I'm doing, but hey, I'll figure it out.

I'm kind of hoping this Blog will sort of "fly below the radar". I think that's how a lot of people feel about their Blogs. It's kind of funny...we make Blogs so others can read them, but sometimes we don't want lots of people reading them. Or just certain people we don't want (and just who that is often changes). I guess I'll just have to be a little vague & ambiguous in certain posts, but that pretty much sounds like most blogs I've read ;)

Most of my posts will probably be kind of dispirited or agitated in nature. When things are going well, I don't really feel the need to express it. It's when I'm stressed, frustrated, depressed, or discouraged that I get all pent-up & angsty. Angst. I like that word...angst... Hopefully my Blog won't make me seem too cynical or "Emo". I'm just jaded with a lot of things, and tired of other people's expectations.

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”