I've been thinking lately about all the elements of our lives that we struggle to deal with. We have all kinds of issues, all kinds of aspects of our selves, our homes, our jobs, our families & friends, & every other part of our lives, that we have to find some way of coordinating with all the others. In the end, it's about balancing all the elements of our lives with each other. I've seen it illustrated as a pie-chart, with 5 equal pieces:
Spiritual, Intellectual, Social, Emotional, & Physical.
(Some people describe a 6 or 7-part pie-chart, with Occupational &/or Environmental added on, but I think those can be folded into Intellectual & Physical respectively.)
There's no proper order to the 5 areas---they're all equally important aspects of lives in their own ways. And it's important that we fulfill each of those areas in our lives. If you're lacking or overextending yourself in any of those areas, your life is going to be out of balance. Things aren't going to be completely "going well"---you're going to feel like you're missing something, or aren't completely content or fulfilled in life. And if things are out of balance enough, you're going to feel very stressed & unhappy.
But I recently looked at this idea of "balance" more literally. Instead of a pie-chart, think of a set of balance-scales, with shallow dishes hanging off of a central point. But instead of a standard 2-part scale, think of a 5-part scale---5 shallow dishes, each hanging off of the ends of a 5-branched star, with the center balanced on the end of a central point.
Each of us fills these 5 dishes with marbles---the various elements of our daily lives. It's vitally important to keep the 5 areas in balance---if you put too many (or not enough) marbles in any given dish or dishes, it's going to unbalance the entire set of scales too far in one direction. If it's unbalanced enough, marbles are going to start dumping out of at least one of the dishes. We can only handle so many things (especially when other areas of our lives are lacking), & ultimately the things we can't handle will just fall by the wayside.
But if the imbalance is extreme or sudden enough, it can have outright volatile results. If you suddenly add a bunch of marbles, remove a bunch of marbles, or too many marbles dump out from an imbalance, the entire scale swifly shifts in the other direction, sending all the marbles into motion, rolling & moving around, & likely dumping out randomly & unstably in who knows what direction. You've quite literally "lost your marbles". When things get too far unbalanced, it can send your life into chaos, & suddenly you can handle very little until you get the bare necessities under control.
But there's another way of looking at things to consider---we can't always just "add marbles" by making efforts in each of the 5 areas. Sometimes we put in lots of effort, & it doesn't amount to much. Sometimes we're going about it the wrong way, sometimes we're doing things at the wrong time or in the wrong place, sometimes things just take a while to take effect, etc. Sometimes we don't know how to add more marbles to a particular area. And sometimes we need other people to add marbles for us.
Sometimes, no matter how much we want to add marbles to any given dish or dishes, it just doesn't happen. And when any dish is empty or close thereto, you can only add a few marbles into any of the other dishes before it sets things out of balance. No matter how much you want or need to increase the quality & content of any area of your life, you're not going to be able to take on or handle more than just a little if you're severely lacking in any one area.
Every one of us needs to "take stock of our lives" on a regular basis, looking at how we're doing at fulfilling & maintaining the balance in our lives. We need to learn how to recognize when we're lacking, how to change it, & when we're taking on too much. We also need to learn to reach out to others---when we can't figure out how to keep our lives in balance, & when we need others to help. And each of us needs to be willing to help others in balancing their lives---whether in simple support, suggestions, or advice, or in directly adding to their balance where they can't do it themselves.
If you keep your life in balance, it's amazing how much you can handle---just as an actual set of scales is limited only by it's own breaking-strength, a well-balanced life is limited only by time. When you stay in balance, you can lead an incredibly rich & fulfilling life. But when you're out of balance, your life can be surprisingly barren... So what are you doing to keep your own life in balance, & help balance the lives of the people you care about?
"Happiness is not a matter of intensity, but of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony."
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Caring for Introverts
This past summer, I wrote an important Blog-post called "Introverts & Extroverts". This post is a follow-up to that---I hope to expand on what I said, & give further insight into how to interact with introverts.
In that Blog-post, I posted a link to an article titled "10 Myths About Introverts". Read it. Then read it again. And again. Memorize the things it talks about. And not just the 10 main points---the extrapolatory paragraphs are absolutely filled with little treasures about introverts' thoughts, feelings, & behaviors. It's an amazing article. Later in that Blog-post, I posted another link to an image titled "How to Care for Introverts". It's also incredibly insightful---and incredibly simple.
I've seen people post links to a similar image titled "How to Care for Extroverts". I don't disagree with the points that image makes, but I do not put much thought into them---because comparatively, extroverts don't need much caring for. They're quite capable of caring for themselves, and for each other. And even when they're not being cared for, they're much more capable of dealing with it than introverts are. We live in an extrovert-friendly, introvert-unfriendly society, and not nearly enough extroverts understand that.
So here are some more of my thoughts on caring for introverts:
As introverts, we have a comfort-zone of interactions & activities, & a bubble of personal-space. It's not that we never want to come out of our comfort-zone, or that we never want to let anyone into our bubble---but we don't want do be dragged out of our comfort-zone, or have our bubble invaded. Essentially, what we want is for people to knock on the door, wait for us to respond, & then politely ask if we'd like to come out or if they can come in. And you know what? Sometimes the answer is "no". But that rarely means "never"---it ususally means "not right now".
When it comes to our comfort-zone of interactions & activities, sometimes we need to sit by the fence & watch for a while before we feel comfortable coming out. And even then, sometimes we only feel like coming a little ways out, so we can jump right back into our comfort-zone as soon as we start feeling uncomfortable. Let us do this, & we'll slowly get more & more comfortable, & be more willing to start coming further out of our comfort-zone, & for longer periods of time. But rush us, or try to push us into something we're not comfortable with, & it's not going to happen---& it'll only delay our willingness to try again.
When it comes to our bubble of personal-space, we need to feel comfortable with someone as a person before we're willing to let them into our bubble. We need to spend time in close proximity with them on a regular basis. And even once we're willing to let them in, it's not an "all or nothing" deal. Start with simple things like a handshake, a high-five, or a fist-bump (as silly & superficial as those might seem). From there, things like a pat on the back or a quick shoulder-side-hug. And so on. But rush us, or try to push us into accepting too much physical contact (or even just too close a proximity), & you'll make us incredibly uncomfortable---& it'll only make us far more hesitant to allow it in the future.
But the final (& possibly most important) thing to understand regarding interactions with introverts---whether physical, conversational, or activity-wise--- is that you have to ask. You have to try. You have to make the effort. You can't expect the introverts to do it all. We set the tone & pace of things, yes, but we still need to know that the extroverts want those interactions with us. As I said in my previous Blog-post, "How can you expect an introvert to do something if the extroverts don't seem willing to do it?" Don't be constantly trying to pressure us into things, but if you don't even offer, we certainly won't.
"Introvert conversations are like jazz, where each player gets to solo for a nice stretch before the other player comes in and does his solo. And like jazz, once we get going, we can play all night. Extrovert conversations are more like tennis matches, where thoughts are batted back and forth, and players need to be ready to respond. Introverts get winded pretty quickly."
In that Blog-post, I posted a link to an article titled "10 Myths About Introverts". Read it. Then read it again. And again. Memorize the things it talks about. And not just the 10 main points---the extrapolatory paragraphs are absolutely filled with little treasures about introverts' thoughts, feelings, & behaviors. It's an amazing article. Later in that Blog-post, I posted another link to an image titled "How to Care for Introverts". It's also incredibly insightful---and incredibly simple.
I've seen people post links to a similar image titled "How to Care for Extroverts". I don't disagree with the points that image makes, but I do not put much thought into them---because comparatively, extroverts don't need much caring for. They're quite capable of caring for themselves, and for each other. And even when they're not being cared for, they're much more capable of dealing with it than introverts are. We live in an extrovert-friendly, introvert-unfriendly society, and not nearly enough extroverts understand that.
So here are some more of my thoughts on caring for introverts:
As introverts, we have a comfort-zone of interactions & activities, & a bubble of personal-space. It's not that we never want to come out of our comfort-zone, or that we never want to let anyone into our bubble---but we don't want do be dragged out of our comfort-zone, or have our bubble invaded. Essentially, what we want is for people to knock on the door, wait for us to respond, & then politely ask if we'd like to come out or if they can come in. And you know what? Sometimes the answer is "no". But that rarely means "never"---it ususally means "not right now".
When it comes to our comfort-zone of interactions & activities, sometimes we need to sit by the fence & watch for a while before we feel comfortable coming out. And even then, sometimes we only feel like coming a little ways out, so we can jump right back into our comfort-zone as soon as we start feeling uncomfortable. Let us do this, & we'll slowly get more & more comfortable, & be more willing to start coming further out of our comfort-zone, & for longer periods of time. But rush us, or try to push us into something we're not comfortable with, & it's not going to happen---& it'll only delay our willingness to try again.
When it comes to our bubble of personal-space, we need to feel comfortable with someone as a person before we're willing to let them into our bubble. We need to spend time in close proximity with them on a regular basis. And even once we're willing to let them in, it's not an "all or nothing" deal. Start with simple things like a handshake, a high-five, or a fist-bump (as silly & superficial as those might seem). From there, things like a pat on the back or a quick shoulder-side-hug. And so on. But rush us, or try to push us into accepting too much physical contact (or even just too close a proximity), & you'll make us incredibly uncomfortable---& it'll only make us far more hesitant to allow it in the future.
But the final (& possibly most important) thing to understand regarding interactions with introverts---whether physical, conversational, or activity-wise--- is that you have to ask. You have to try. You have to make the effort. You can't expect the introverts to do it all. We set the tone & pace of things, yes, but we still need to know that the extroverts want those interactions with us. As I said in my previous Blog-post, "How can you expect an introvert to do something if the extroverts don't seem willing to do it?" Don't be constantly trying to pressure us into things, but if you don't even offer, we certainly won't.
"Introvert conversations are like jazz, where each player gets to solo for a nice stretch before the other player comes in and does his solo. And like jazz, once we get going, we can play all night. Extrovert conversations are more like tennis matches, where thoughts are batted back and forth, and players need to be ready to respond. Introverts get winded pretty quickly."
Monday, March 25, 2013
The "Choice" of Happiness
Few things make my blood boil more than hearing people say that "happiness is a choice". We certainly have a great deal of influence over our own happiness, but there's a lot more to it than that, & I'd like to explain why.
First off, I fully concede that you can't be happy without a positive attitude. Those who are pessimistic at heart will always find something to complain about---there is, after all, an endless supply of faults & sorrow in this world. You'll never be able to rise above all the negative without being able to think positive.
Second, I don't want to get into an esoteric, philosophical discussion of what happiness "is". We all have moments of happiness, but while uninterupted bliss is completely unrealistic, there are those who are truly happy in life as a whole---they're in a place where most things are going fairly well, & they have enough good in their lives to outweigh & overcome the bad.
But you can't just "decide" to be happy, & then you'll just be happy. Do you think Christ was happy while suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane & on the Cross? Do you think Job was happy after having lost his home, possessions, family, health, & nearly his life? Do you think they could have been happy during those times? Those may be extreme examples, but they're perfectly valid. There are circumstances in this world that you can prevent you from being happy, at least for a time.
Here are a number of situations that can prevent happiness in one's life: You can't be happy if you're suffering from actual, full-blown depression. You can't be happy if you're in severe, constant pain. You can't be happy if you're not living righteously. You can't be happy if you don't have close, emotional relationships with others. You can't be happy if you don't have structure, purpose, & direction in life. And many other things...
It's important to point out that we all have the power to act---to do things to change the negative circumstances in our lives, to enable ourselves to be happy. But happiness can't just be dispensed at the push of a button by "deciding" do be happy. We have control over many circumstances that affect our emotions, but when we're feeling an emotion, in that moment, we have no control over feeling that way. We can control how we react to our emotions, & in the long term that can affect our future emotions---but in the moment, you can't control how you feel.
Most immediately, everyone needs to understand that sometimes we need to not be happy. When something really bad happens to us, when someone close to us dies, or when we suffer some great loss or pain, we feel very unhappy---and we need to feel that unhappiness. We can't just ignore emotions we don't want to feel (which is the subject of another upcoming Blog-post...). Even the Bible agrees with this: "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven . . . A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;" ---Ecclesiastes 3:1&4. We shouldn't unduly dwell on sadness, but to repress or suppress feelings of unhappiness when they come upon us is incredibly emotionally unhealthy, & even damaging. We need to rise above unhappiness, but we need to go through it first.
And often that takes time. You can't just have a "good cry" for a few minutes, hours, or days just to "get it out of your system". Every situation, & every person, is different---we all have to deal with sadness, depression, & unhappiness in our own way, & in our own time. Some people are capable of doing it fairly quickly---good for them. But others aren't so lucky. And it's not always because they're "not handling it well". Don't judge someone's emotional state when you aren't them, & when you don't know what they've gone through or are going through now.
But the thing I want to stress the most is the message you send someone when you tell them that "happiness is a choice": No matter what horrible circumstances they're in, no matter what terrible pain they're going through, no matter how much they don't want to feel as unhappy as they are, you're telling them that their unhappiness is completely their own fault. How do you think THAT makes them feel??? It only makes them feel worse---you're shaming them into thinking that all the emotional pain they're going through means nothing, & that they are solely to blame. That's why it makes me so angry to hear people say that "happiness is a choice". Few things hurt so deeply to hear for those who are unhappy.
We have control over our attitudes, & we should adopt a positive one. We have control over our actions, & how we thereby react to our emotions & situations. But to tell an unhappy person that "happiness is a choice" is nothing less than to spit in their face! So when someone you care about is really going through something, instead of coldly dismissing their pain, show them some real empathy & support. And most of all, do what you can (as far as they're comfortable with) to help them go through their pain---because few things are as terrible as not only being miserable, but being alone in your misery.
"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."
First off, I fully concede that you can't be happy without a positive attitude. Those who are pessimistic at heart will always find something to complain about---there is, after all, an endless supply of faults & sorrow in this world. You'll never be able to rise above all the negative without being able to think positive.
Second, I don't want to get into an esoteric, philosophical discussion of what happiness "is". We all have moments of happiness, but while uninterupted bliss is completely unrealistic, there are those who are truly happy in life as a whole---they're in a place where most things are going fairly well, & they have enough good in their lives to outweigh & overcome the bad.
But you can't just "decide" to be happy, & then you'll just be happy. Do you think Christ was happy while suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane & on the Cross? Do you think Job was happy after having lost his home, possessions, family, health, & nearly his life? Do you think they could have been happy during those times? Those may be extreme examples, but they're perfectly valid. There are circumstances in this world that you can prevent you from being happy, at least for a time.
Here are a number of situations that can prevent happiness in one's life: You can't be happy if you're suffering from actual, full-blown depression. You can't be happy if you're in severe, constant pain. You can't be happy if you're not living righteously. You can't be happy if you don't have close, emotional relationships with others. You can't be happy if you don't have structure, purpose, & direction in life. And many other things...
It's important to point out that we all have the power to act---to do things to change the negative circumstances in our lives, to enable ourselves to be happy. But happiness can't just be dispensed at the push of a button by "deciding" do be happy. We have control over many circumstances that affect our emotions, but when we're feeling an emotion, in that moment, we have no control over feeling that way. We can control how we react to our emotions, & in the long term that can affect our future emotions---but in the moment, you can't control how you feel.
Most immediately, everyone needs to understand that sometimes we need to not be happy. When something really bad happens to us, when someone close to us dies, or when we suffer some great loss or pain, we feel very unhappy---and we need to feel that unhappiness. We can't just ignore emotions we don't want to feel (which is the subject of another upcoming Blog-post...). Even the Bible agrees with this: "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven . . . A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;" ---Ecclesiastes 3:1&4. We shouldn't unduly dwell on sadness, but to repress or suppress feelings of unhappiness when they come upon us is incredibly emotionally unhealthy, & even damaging. We need to rise above unhappiness, but we need to go through it first.
And often that takes time. You can't just have a "good cry" for a few minutes, hours, or days just to "get it out of your system". Every situation, & every person, is different---we all have to deal with sadness, depression, & unhappiness in our own way, & in our own time. Some people are capable of doing it fairly quickly---good for them. But others aren't so lucky. And it's not always because they're "not handling it well". Don't judge someone's emotional state when you aren't them, & when you don't know what they've gone through or are going through now.
But the thing I want to stress the most is the message you send someone when you tell them that "happiness is a choice": No matter what horrible circumstances they're in, no matter what terrible pain they're going through, no matter how much they don't want to feel as unhappy as they are, you're telling them that their unhappiness is completely their own fault. How do you think THAT makes them feel??? It only makes them feel worse---you're shaming them into thinking that all the emotional pain they're going through means nothing, & that they are solely to blame. That's why it makes me so angry to hear people say that "happiness is a choice". Few things hurt so deeply to hear for those who are unhappy.
We have control over our attitudes, & we should adopt a positive one. We have control over our actions, & how we thereby react to our emotions & situations. But to tell an unhappy person that "happiness is a choice" is nothing less than to spit in their face! So when someone you care about is really going through something, instead of coldly dismissing their pain, show them some real empathy & support. And most of all, do what you can (as far as they're comfortable with) to help them go through their pain---because few things are as terrible as not only being miserable, but being alone in your misery.
"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Who Reads My Blog? You Should Read My Blog.
Who reads my Blog? You should read my Blog.
I haven't gotten any comments on my posts in quite a while. I guess it doesn't help that I don't post very often, or at predictable times or invervals. But this Blog is actually pretty important to me---it's a venue to get some things out of my system that I otherwise usually can't. I posted incredibly frequently early on (once a week for 4 months!), then got really bad...I just keep forgetting... But I've been improving. And I do have a number of ideas for posts, including several important ones that I intend to do very soon.
My Blog is kind of interesting... A handful of posts are about random things that aren't all that important in retrospect. A handful are kind of emo...I guess I just needed to vent at the time... And a handful are about girls---some may think some of those posts to be somewhat harsh or angry, but I stand by them (& my latest experience in dating only serves to strengthen those views...).
But in the end, about half of my Blog-posts are things I feel very strongly about, & I feel are really a good read---if nothing else, for people to understand me better. In particular, 3 of my more "recent" posts (from this past Spring & Summer) are 3 of the most important posts I've ever done...
I fully intend to post more frequently in the future, & I'd really appreciate it if people would give me feedback---whether in the Blog's official Comments section, on the Facebook post where I announce each new Blog-post, or in private.
I'm not overly careful of who I let see my Blog-posts. First of all, as someone once said, "If you want something to stay private, don't put it on the Internet." ;) And second, there's plenty of people that I just don't expect to care enough to read my Blog (there's plenty of people that I know, that I like well enough & all, but I'm just not close enough to them to care enough to read theirs...).
But if you value me as anything more than a casual friend, you should read my Blog. Really.
"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."
I haven't gotten any comments on my posts in quite a while. I guess it doesn't help that I don't post very often, or at predictable times or invervals. But this Blog is actually pretty important to me---it's a venue to get some things out of my system that I otherwise usually can't. I posted incredibly frequently early on (once a week for 4 months!), then got really bad...I just keep forgetting... But I've been improving. And I do have a number of ideas for posts, including several important ones that I intend to do very soon.
My Blog is kind of interesting... A handful of posts are about random things that aren't all that important in retrospect. A handful are kind of emo...I guess I just needed to vent at the time... And a handful are about girls---some may think some of those posts to be somewhat harsh or angry, but I stand by them (& my latest experience in dating only serves to strengthen those views...).
But in the end, about half of my Blog-posts are things I feel very strongly about, & I feel are really a good read---if nothing else, for people to understand me better. In particular, 3 of my more "recent" posts (from this past Spring & Summer) are 3 of the most important posts I've ever done...
I fully intend to post more frequently in the future, & I'd really appreciate it if people would give me feedback---whether in the Blog's official Comments section, on the Facebook post where I announce each new Blog-post, or in private.
I'm not overly careful of who I let see my Blog-posts. First of all, as someone once said, "If you want something to stay private, don't put it on the Internet." ;) And second, there's plenty of people that I just don't expect to care enough to read my Blog (there's plenty of people that I know, that I like well enough & all, but I'm just not close enough to them to care enough to read theirs...).
But if you value me as anything more than a casual friend, you should read my Blog. Really.
"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."
Monday, November 5, 2012
Political Chaos
The Big Election is tomorrow, & I'm dreading the aftermath---regarding whoever gets elected, how people from the losing side will react, & the direction this country is going.
Talking politics is like talking religion: In both subjects, people are very set in their views, & they are not interested in changing them... They hear something they don't agree with, & they shut their eyes & cover their ears, & say "Nope, that's not something I believe, I'm not gonna listen to it"... They turn it into a black & white "us vs. them" situation... They interpret anything someone from "the other side" says in the worst way possible... They villify "the other side", & always presume ill intent... Politics & religion---our civil liberties & the proper role of government, and moral right & wrong and the fate of our eternal souls---are probably the 2 most important subjects that people could discuss, yet they're the 2 subjects that people tend to make themselves the least capable of discussing civilly & intelligently.
Here are my thoughts on this Election Season & tomorrow's Election:
1- Villification of the Opposition
2- The Role of Government
3- The Outcome
2- The Role of Government
3- The Outcome
1- Villification of the Opposition:
More than I've ever seen before, people outright villify "the other side". But I'm not talking about the candidates doing the villifying---they've always done that. More than I've ever seen before, so many average citizens talk about how the "other" candidate is a flagrant liar & a horrible person. Some think both are. I've seen most of the "evidence" for both, & most of it can largely be dismissed as presuming ill intent, taking things out of context, or things just not going how the candidate intended. I think both candidates are quite wrong about a lot of things, but I haven't seen any concrete, would-hold-up-in-a-court-of-law evidence that they're flagrant liars.
It's naive to think there isn't corruption in politics, but the thing is, there are plenty of politicians who aren't liars---they've simply built themselves on flawed principles. And to reconcile themselves with the problems that these faulty foundations create, they've developed a warped view of things. They've adopted beliefs like "the ends justify the means", or that certain things apply in one circumstance & not another (when from a more objective point of view they apply to both), or that it's okay for the "good guys" to have unchecked power, or that it's okay to force the "right" decision on other people, or lots of other things. Opponents see the problems in a politician's views, & interpret ill intent & deception, when far too often, the politician is simply wrong.
And this becomes a huge problem when you attempt to discuss politics with others. If you say "The politician you support is a liar", you're implying that the politician they support is a horrible person. And by extension, you're implying that anyone who supports that politican is a liar & a horrible person, or at the very least "ignorant" & "foolish". When you start sending out insultive messages like that, people close their minds, become combatative, & for both people it simply becomes a battle to "defeat" the other person, rather than about coming to a better understanding of the truth. Which approach would make someone more willing to engage in intelligent, civil, open-minded discussion: "The politician you support is a liar", or "I think that the politician you support is wrong"?
And the thing is, what trait is shared by both liars, & those who are simply wrong? They're both wrong. And it's all-around much easier to convince someone that a politican is wrong than it is to convince someone that a politician is a liar. Even if the politician is a liar, it's often very difficult to truly prove, & a combative, offensive approach only hardens feelings & deepens narrow-mindedness---on both sides. Combativeness begets combativeness, & civility begets civility. That's the only way we can get anywhere.
2- The Role of Government:
So many people, on both sides of the political divide, seem to think that the government's job is to force an "ideal" situation on everyone. But that is the exact opposite of what government in a free society is meant to do. And both sides have it wrong in different ways.
To the Political Left, I say this: It's not the government's job to do everything for us. It's not the government's job to give everything to us. It's not the government's job to provide all of us with money, food, clothing, shelter, health care, education, & employment. The government's job is to ensure that every one of us has the safety & freedom to obtain all of those things for ourselves.
To the Political Right, I say this: It's not the government's job to force people to do the right thing. It's not the government's job to police morality. It's not the government's job to impose moral, political, or economic ideals on others, at home or abroad. The government's job is to maintain an environment where individual rights are upheld, and where justice & recompense are enacted when individual rights are violated.
Government in a free society does not exist to force an "ideal" situation on everyone---government in a free society exists to secure individual rights. The United States is not a pure Democracy---it is a Democratic Republic. A Republic exists to guarantee the rights of every individual. And that includes the right to choose. Yet so many people are willing to try to take away the rights of others in an attempt to force their idea of utopia on everyone. You can't force people to do the right thing, or not to do the wrong thing. You can't legislate morality, or equality. Government cannot---repeat, cannot---create utopia. Only families, communities, & societies can. Mistakes and wrongdoings should bring consequences, which consequences should be known beforehand. But people need the freedom to choose. And force is the opposite of freedom.
3- The Outcome:
Just because you support either of the primary Presidential Candidates, that doesn't mean I think you're a bad person. It doesn't mean I think you're stupid. It means I think you're wrong---very wrong. Both candidates, whether either or both of them are liars or not, are simply wrong. They're trying to force ideal situations on both the U.S. citizenry, & on the world populace, & they're willing to take away people's individual rights in their attempts to do so. In regards to the military, health care, the economy, jobs, & virtually every other major issue, they're far more alike than they are different. They've fallen under the alluring deception that government can solve all our problems, when in reality, government intrusion has enhanced most of those problems.
To those who will vote for either of the primary Presidential Candidates because you truly believe in their methods & ideologies, I once again say this: Force is the opposite of Freedom.
To those who will vote for either of the primary Presidential Candidates simply out of fear of the "lesser of two evils" winning, I say this: The broken, 2-party system will never die if we continue to support it.
And to all those who will vote for either of the primary Presidential Candidates for any reason, I simply say this (courtesy of Despair.com, & w/a hat-tip to Ghostbusters):
LIBERTY OVER LEGISLATION
COME AND JOIN THE
RON PAUL 2012
"When the government's boot is on your throat, whether it is a left boot or a right, is of no consequence."
Monday, July 2, 2012
Introverts & Extroverts
This post has also been a long time coming...
It's my experience that most extroverts royally suck at dealing with introverts. Seriously, the vast majority of them get a freaking Grade-F on the subject... As an introvert myself, I feel compelled to come right out & say to the extroverts of the world: "You're doin' it wrong"---but I also want to be more constructive & actually explain the differences between us.
The first problem is that far too many of you extroverts have the wrong idea about introverts---you think we're unfriendly or unsocial. There certainly are plenty of anti-social people, who would pretty much all be classified as introverts, but that's not healthy. Humans are social creatures by nature---we crave human connection, & if someone's come to the point where they've largely given up on that, they've clearly had far too many negative experiences, & need more positive, quality social experiences. No human being can ever be emotionally healthy or satisfied without close, personal relationships with other people.
I'm an introvert---but I'm a very social introvert. I like being around people. Quite a lot, actually. Most things I'd prefer to do with people than alone (& even then, most of the things I'll do alone would be more enjoyable with people). Everyone needs to be alone at times, & maybe introverts moreso than extroverts. But just because someone's an introvert doesn't mean they're anti-social---it just means that they're not socially adept, not exceptionally socially skilled, not socially confident, not very good at conversation, etc.
I recently saw a short article that does very well in describing the subject:
"10 Myths About Introverts"
http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts
Introverts really are social people, generally, but it doesn't come as naturally, or flow as easily, as it does for extroverts. We need an actual "reason" to socialize---a particular topic of conversation, a specific activity, etc.---not just "open socialization", like a stereotypical party or mixer. It's incredibly difficult as an introvert to just walk up to a random person for no apparent reason & start a conversation right off the cuff. For all you extroverts reading this, scratching your heads, & wondering "Why is that so hard?", I'll tell you: We don't know! It just is! Introverts simply inherently think & feel differently than extroverts, & in this aspect maybe we're "slower", "behind", or "less capable" than extroverts, but that's just the way we are.
That leads to the next issue: So many extroverts seem to think that introverts just need to learn to completely come out of our shells & become extroverts. Let me make this abundantly clear: It ain't gonna happen. Like I just said, introverts simply inherently think & feel differently than extroverts. Yes, we need to learn to branch out & step out of our comfort zones at times, but you can't expect us to just become "one of you"---being an introvert is a different personality-type, a fundamental part of our being that can't be fundamentally altered.
But ultimately, whether they realize all this or not, so many extroverts simply shake their heads, throw up their hands, & say to themselves, "I just don't understand introverted people..." But you know what? You don't have to understand us to interact with us properly. I don't understand extroverts---the idea of just walking up to a total stranger at a party, introducing myself, & starting up a conversation simply terrifies me, & I don't see how you people can handle it... But even though I don't understand it, I accept that you're comfortable with it, & I approach social situations with extroverts knowing how they're going to behave. Actually understanding it might help more, but simply knowing & accepting the type of person someone is still helps a lot.
The problem is that so many extroverts, because you don't "get" how introverts think, just sort of assume that you should just interact with us like you do with each other, & that we'll eventually "catch up" or something. But it doesn't work that way... As I said, being an introvert is a different personality-type, & treating us like extroverts is just asking for trouble. If there's too much going on, if we get "left behind" socially, if someone's too socially forward, if we're put on the spot, or if we get embarrassed, we don't adapt quickly or easily---we shut down. And if the situation makes us in any way uncomfortable, we even put up walls, & feel the compulsion to extract ourselves from the situation as soon as possible. Maybe not being able to handle awkwardness or uncomfortableness is a failing on our part---but if you just toss someone into the deep end of the pool to teach them how to swim, they're just going to drown...
After all this talk about how not to deal with introverts, it's important to specifically point out how people should deal with introverts. A picture that's been making the rounds on the internet this year explains it pretty well:
"How to Care for Introverts"
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lz1mrdBaW31qk20afo1_r2_1280.png
Extroverts, you need to be very courteous & respectful of us introverts. And you need to be patient with us, & even help us out a little. Be willing to initiate interactions, because sometimes we're just not sure how. You might think that you're prone to reaching out to us, but you're really not---we tend to be invisible to you, while you interact with each other. With that in mind, always, always remember my last Blog-Post---only interact with someone because you actually want to, not out of some over-the-top attempt to be "nice"... But if you really do want to interact with an introvert, you can't leave it all on us. How can you expect an introvert to do something if the extroverts don't seem willing to do it?
And interacting with someone means eventually talking about more than small-talk. Basic pleasantries are "nice", but at some point, if that's all your interactions with someone entail, it's not very meaningful... If you truly want to get to know an introvert, then actually put in the effort to get to know us. But remember: We're fairly socially "hesitant"...we're not prone to talking about personal things...we keep a lot close to the vest...we need to know that someone can be trusted... At each step of the way, we need to feel accepted as person. So getting to know us takes time. And ultimately, the only reason the differences between introverts & extroverts, & our interactions with each other, really matter is in regards to friendship. So quit making friendshipping so hard for us...
I think the best thing for extroverts to do in interacting with introverts is to put yourselves in our shoes. But not in the way of "What would I, an extrovert, do in the situation that this introvert is in?" That completely destroys the purpose. You need to ask yourselves, "What would I do if I were them? What would I do in this situation if I were an introverted person? How can I expect an introverted person to act?" Just because you don't understand how we think & feel doesn't mean you can't accept it, & treat us accordingly. And you need to.
"A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow."
It's my experience that most extroverts royally suck at dealing with introverts. Seriously, the vast majority of them get a freaking Grade-F on the subject... As an introvert myself, I feel compelled to come right out & say to the extroverts of the world: "You're doin' it wrong"---but I also want to be more constructive & actually explain the differences between us.
The first problem is that far too many of you extroverts have the wrong idea about introverts---you think we're unfriendly or unsocial. There certainly are plenty of anti-social people, who would pretty much all be classified as introverts, but that's not healthy. Humans are social creatures by nature---we crave human connection, & if someone's come to the point where they've largely given up on that, they've clearly had far too many negative experiences, & need more positive, quality social experiences. No human being can ever be emotionally healthy or satisfied without close, personal relationships with other people.
I'm an introvert---but I'm a very social introvert. I like being around people. Quite a lot, actually. Most things I'd prefer to do with people than alone (& even then, most of the things I'll do alone would be more enjoyable with people). Everyone needs to be alone at times, & maybe introverts moreso than extroverts. But just because someone's an introvert doesn't mean they're anti-social---it just means that they're not socially adept, not exceptionally socially skilled, not socially confident, not very good at conversation, etc.
I recently saw a short article that does very well in describing the subject:
"10 Myths About Introverts"
http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts
Introverts really are social people, generally, but it doesn't come as naturally, or flow as easily, as it does for extroverts. We need an actual "reason" to socialize---a particular topic of conversation, a specific activity, etc.---not just "open socialization", like a stereotypical party or mixer. It's incredibly difficult as an introvert to just walk up to a random person for no apparent reason & start a conversation right off the cuff. For all you extroverts reading this, scratching your heads, & wondering "Why is that so hard?", I'll tell you: We don't know! It just is! Introverts simply inherently think & feel differently than extroverts, & in this aspect maybe we're "slower", "behind", or "less capable" than extroverts, but that's just the way we are.
That leads to the next issue: So many extroverts seem to think that introverts just need to learn to completely come out of our shells & become extroverts. Let me make this abundantly clear: It ain't gonna happen. Like I just said, introverts simply inherently think & feel differently than extroverts. Yes, we need to learn to branch out & step out of our comfort zones at times, but you can't expect us to just become "one of you"---being an introvert is a different personality-type, a fundamental part of our being that can't be fundamentally altered.
But ultimately, whether they realize all this or not, so many extroverts simply shake their heads, throw up their hands, & say to themselves, "I just don't understand introverted people..." But you know what? You don't have to understand us to interact with us properly. I don't understand extroverts---the idea of just walking up to a total stranger at a party, introducing myself, & starting up a conversation simply terrifies me, & I don't see how you people can handle it... But even though I don't understand it, I accept that you're comfortable with it, & I approach social situations with extroverts knowing how they're going to behave. Actually understanding it might help more, but simply knowing & accepting the type of person someone is still helps a lot.
The problem is that so many extroverts, because you don't "get" how introverts think, just sort of assume that you should just interact with us like you do with each other, & that we'll eventually "catch up" or something. But it doesn't work that way... As I said, being an introvert is a different personality-type, & treating us like extroverts is just asking for trouble. If there's too much going on, if we get "left behind" socially, if someone's too socially forward, if we're put on the spot, or if we get embarrassed, we don't adapt quickly or easily---we shut down. And if the situation makes us in any way uncomfortable, we even put up walls, & feel the compulsion to extract ourselves from the situation as soon as possible. Maybe not being able to handle awkwardness or uncomfortableness is a failing on our part---but if you just toss someone into the deep end of the pool to teach them how to swim, they're just going to drown...
After all this talk about how not to deal with introverts, it's important to specifically point out how people should deal with introverts. A picture that's been making the rounds on the internet this year explains it pretty well:
"How to Care for Introverts"
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lz1mrdBaW31qk20afo1_r2_1280.png
Extroverts, you need to be very courteous & respectful of us introverts. And you need to be patient with us, & even help us out a little. Be willing to initiate interactions, because sometimes we're just not sure how. You might think that you're prone to reaching out to us, but you're really not---we tend to be invisible to you, while you interact with each other. With that in mind, always, always remember my last Blog-Post---only interact with someone because you actually want to, not out of some over-the-top attempt to be "nice"... But if you really do want to interact with an introvert, you can't leave it all on us. How can you expect an introvert to do something if the extroverts don't seem willing to do it?
And interacting with someone means eventually talking about more than small-talk. Basic pleasantries are "nice", but at some point, if that's all your interactions with someone entail, it's not very meaningful... If you truly want to get to know an introvert, then actually put in the effort to get to know us. But remember: We're fairly socially "hesitant"...we're not prone to talking about personal things...we keep a lot close to the vest...we need to know that someone can be trusted... At each step of the way, we need to feel accepted as person. So getting to know us takes time. And ultimately, the only reason the differences between introverts & extroverts, & our interactions with each other, really matter is in regards to friendship. So quit making friendshipping so hard for us...
I think the best thing for extroverts to do in interacting with introverts is to put yourselves in our shoes. But not in the way of "What would I, an extrovert, do in the situation that this introvert is in?" That completely destroys the purpose. You need to ask yourselves, "What would I do if I were them? What would I do in this situation if I were an introverted person? How can I expect an introverted person to act?" Just because you don't understand how we think & feel doesn't mean you can't accept it, & treat us accordingly. And you need to.
"A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow."
Monday, June 18, 2012
The Crime of Pity
This post has been a long time coming... It's something I feel incredibly strong about, but have never taken the time to think out in an organized way to put into writing...
I want to speak to all the extroverted people out there on the subject of pity. So many of you outgoing, confident, popular, attractive, eloquent, or otherwise socially "okay" people quite often have a way of looking at people who are...less socially okay... You see people who are quiet or nervous, people who seem to stand on the edge of the social scene, people who are generally seen as unattractive, people who have a hard time with dating...people who aren't as socially "grounded" as you are. And you feel sorry for them. You feel the need to reach out to them---not in an ordinary, be-accepting-&-fellowship-&-include-everyone kind of reaching out, but something much more than that. You feel the need to give those socially less-grounded people what you think they're lacking. Not because you actually want that kind of interaction or relationship with them---but because you feel bad for them. You feel the urge to offer certain social interactions to them, so they'll have it, just like everyone else. You think you're doing them a favor.
But you're not. You're insulting them.
Some people might not have any problem with the idea of pity---but that all depends on what concept we're talking about. If you had to make a distinction between "sympathy" & "pity", what would it be? If you were to define "sympathy" as a positive thing, & "pity" as a negative thing, what do you think the difference would be? I do make such a distinction, & for me it's this: Sympathy is feeling bad with someone, while pity is feeling bad down at someone. Not in a disdainful, "I'm a better person than you" kind of way, but in an "Oh, you poor thing..." kind of way. Who wants anyone to look at them like that? Everyone wants sympathy when they're going through a hard time, but no one wants pity...
When you offer someone pity, of any kind, in any way, to any extent---a pity conversation, a pity "friendship", a pity date, a pity kiss---you're telling them "I think you're so pathetic & incapable, that you can't get this kind of social interaction on you're own. So I'm going to lower & debase myself to throw you a bone---it's not real, but I'm going to masquerade it as the real thing, so that you'll feel better." It's demeaning, it's degrading, it's insulting.
Again, pity isn't looking down on someone condescendingly---it's thinking less of someone socially. But because so many of you outgoing people don't look at the less socially-capable people with actual unkindness, you seem to think that pity is a good thing. You think you're being nice. You think you're helping someone out. But the pity you offer is an insult. And the social interaction you offer is a cheap, hollow, artificial substitute. And sooner or later, the person you're offering it to realizes that. They realize you think less of them. They realize that they don't actually have with you what they thought they had. And they find themselves wishing that you'd just left them alone...that you hadn't gotten their hopes up into thinking that someone genuinely socially valued them in the way you pretended---that for some reason you pretended as a "kindness".
So many of you are so willing, so anxious, so eager to offer pity to others---& you don't realize what a horrible thing it is. That doesn't make you a bad person---good people do bad things all the time. But it does make you wrong. It makes you out of line. And it makes you less genuine. People are so willing to behave this way in so many aspects...out of pity, guilt, pride, imagined-responsibility... Never underestimate the compulsion that good people feel to do good things in the worst of ways or for the worst of reasons.
Let me say that again: Never underestimate the compulsion that good people feel to do good things in the worst of ways or for the worst off reasons...
So many of you feel this emotional push, this outright "social obligation" to make sure that no one feels left out---but so often you go too far. If you're actually fine with sparking up engaging conversations with total strangers, that's fine. I've met people like that---they're quite remarkable. But what I usually see is much more hollow... And I see it all the time...in all kinds of social circles, with all kinds of people...in groups, individually...in big ways, in little ways...with other people...& with me.
I'm not going to bore or burden everyone w/the unhappy details of my childhood... But I've spend the last half of my life trying SO VERY HARD to overcome the image as the type of person that people feel compelled to give pity to. I've made a lot of progress, but in some ways I'm still that kind of person. And so I'm still on my guard. I don't want pity...from anyone...on any subject... I'd rather be left alone, with people thinking that I'm fine, & okay, & capable, than for people to think that I need a social hand-out... I want my social interactions w/people to be real, & I want to know that they're real.
I cannot express---in either writing or speaking---the level of DISDAIN I have for social pity...or for how hurful it is to be on the receiving end of it...
And where I'm still a less socially-capable person, & where I see so many people so willing to offer pity to others---it makes it hard to trust any social interactions people offer me. You might call that pessimism---I call it experience. So take that as food for thought on your own social interactions with the less socially-capable...
"Pity and friendship are two passions incompatible with each other."
I want to speak to all the extroverted people out there on the subject of pity. So many of you outgoing, confident, popular, attractive, eloquent, or otherwise socially "okay" people quite often have a way of looking at people who are...less socially okay... You see people who are quiet or nervous, people who seem to stand on the edge of the social scene, people who are generally seen as unattractive, people who have a hard time with dating...people who aren't as socially "grounded" as you are. And you feel sorry for them. You feel the need to reach out to them---not in an ordinary, be-accepting-&-fellowship-&-include-everyone kind of reaching out, but something much more than that. You feel the need to give those socially less-grounded people what you think they're lacking. Not because you actually want that kind of interaction or relationship with them---but because you feel bad for them. You feel the urge to offer certain social interactions to them, so they'll have it, just like everyone else. You think you're doing them a favor.
But you're not. You're insulting them.
Some people might not have any problem with the idea of pity---but that all depends on what concept we're talking about. If you had to make a distinction between "sympathy" & "pity", what would it be? If you were to define "sympathy" as a positive thing, & "pity" as a negative thing, what do you think the difference would be? I do make such a distinction, & for me it's this: Sympathy is feeling bad with someone, while pity is feeling bad down at someone. Not in a disdainful, "I'm a better person than you" kind of way, but in an "Oh, you poor thing..." kind of way. Who wants anyone to look at them like that? Everyone wants sympathy when they're going through a hard time, but no one wants pity...
When you offer someone pity, of any kind, in any way, to any extent---a pity conversation, a pity "friendship", a pity date, a pity kiss---you're telling them "I think you're so pathetic & incapable, that you can't get this kind of social interaction on you're own. So I'm going to lower & debase myself to throw you a bone---it's not real, but I'm going to masquerade it as the real thing, so that you'll feel better." It's demeaning, it's degrading, it's insulting.
Again, pity isn't looking down on someone condescendingly---it's thinking less of someone socially. But because so many of you outgoing people don't look at the less socially-capable people with actual unkindness, you seem to think that pity is a good thing. You think you're being nice. You think you're helping someone out. But the pity you offer is an insult. And the social interaction you offer is a cheap, hollow, artificial substitute. And sooner or later, the person you're offering it to realizes that. They realize you think less of them. They realize that they don't actually have with you what they thought they had. And they find themselves wishing that you'd just left them alone...that you hadn't gotten their hopes up into thinking that someone genuinely socially valued them in the way you pretended---that for some reason you pretended as a "kindness".
So many of you are so willing, so anxious, so eager to offer pity to others---& you don't realize what a horrible thing it is. That doesn't make you a bad person---good people do bad things all the time. But it does make you wrong. It makes you out of line. And it makes you less genuine. People are so willing to behave this way in so many aspects...out of pity, guilt, pride, imagined-responsibility... Never underestimate the compulsion that good people feel to do good things in the worst of ways or for the worst of reasons.
Let me say that again: Never underestimate the compulsion that good people feel to do good things in the worst of ways or for the worst off reasons...
So many of you feel this emotional push, this outright "social obligation" to make sure that no one feels left out---but so often you go too far. If you're actually fine with sparking up engaging conversations with total strangers, that's fine. I've met people like that---they're quite remarkable. But what I usually see is much more hollow... And I see it all the time...in all kinds of social circles, with all kinds of people...in groups, individually...in big ways, in little ways...with other people...& with me.
I'm not going to bore or burden everyone w/the unhappy details of my childhood... But I've spend the last half of my life trying SO VERY HARD to overcome the image as the type of person that people feel compelled to give pity to. I've made a lot of progress, but in some ways I'm still that kind of person. And so I'm still on my guard. I don't want pity...from anyone...on any subject... I'd rather be left alone, with people thinking that I'm fine, & okay, & capable, than for people to think that I need a social hand-out... I want my social interactions w/people to be real, & I want to know that they're real.
I cannot express---in either writing or speaking---the level of DISDAIN I have for social pity...or for how hurful it is to be on the receiving end of it...
And where I'm still a less socially-capable person, & where I see so many people so willing to offer pity to others---it makes it hard to trust any social interactions people offer me. You might call that pessimism---I call it experience. So take that as food for thought on your own social interactions with the less socially-capable...
"Pity and friendship are two passions incompatible with each other."
Monday, May 14, 2012
Detox (Redefined)
One of my earliest (and most important) Blog-Posts was on the subject of Detox. I'd like to use that term again, but in a very different light...
There are all kinds of things that we love... People, places, things, events, activities, philosophies... There are so many things to love, & so many ways of loving them. And we never seem to get tired of it---we always seem to be able to find new things to love, & are always so willing to do so.
We love people... We love people romantically...people who fill us up, ignite our souls, & who seem to take all the luster of life with them when they leave. And we love people platonically...people who make us smile, laugh, or simply think...people who brighten our day just by being around us. We love objects...beautiful pictures, delicious foods, electronic devices... We love all sorts of things...fun & loving animals, enjoyable hobbies & activities, stories & ideas, passions & causes...
Love is an amazing thing... It inspires us & excites us...it fills us with excitement & wonder...it brings us joy, amusement, & happiness. It enriches our lives, gives us strength we never thought we had, & makes life worth living.
But love doesn't always feel so good. With so many things, sometimes we can't obtain or achieve what we love, or can't see it come to fruition.
Sometimes someone we care about more than anything else in the world doesn't feel the same. Sometimes there's a barrier keeping us from even finding out if they feel the same, let alone if it could actually work out. Sometimes we give into fear, & can never summon the courage to let someone know how much they mean to us. And sometimes we don't event know what to say given the opportunity...
Sometimes life keeps---or even takes---a friend away from us before a deeper friendship can blossom. Sometimes we can't figure out how to tell someone just how much we value their company, & how much joy they bring into our lives. Sometimes a friend we thought we had simply walks away. And again, sometimes fear or ineloquence simply stops us in our tracks....
Sometimes the busyness or problems in our life keep us from activities & events we enjoy...keep us from developing talents & starting hobbies that we've always wanted to pursue. Sometimes life allows us just enough time to start something, but never enough time to finish it...so the sweetest fruits & greatest joys of something remain out of reach. Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we just can't find or make the time to participate in causes that we deeply believe in, & we simply end up as silent witnesses or passengers to the goings-on of the world around us...
We love so many things, & so often we can't obtain them... And the longer things go, the more frustrating it becomes. As time goes by, we long more & more for the things we love, & only grow more discontent with not having them in our lives. We dream, we hope, we pray, & we strive, but so often we don't seem to get any closer to the things we love. And sometimes we simply miss our chance... People leave our lives for good, events come & go, groups dissolve, projects end... Opportunities pass out of our lives, but our love for them doesn't. It stays inside us, still loving the thing we never had, but somehow lost. But whether something we love stays or leaves, the longer our love for something goes unfulfilled or unexpressed, the heavier that love becomes...
Weeks, months, or years go by, & sometimes the things we love stay distant & unobtainable...while our lives are filled with mundane responsibilites & trivial details that our hearts just aren't in, yet somehow take priority. We think so much on the people, places, & things we love, but end up with far more wanting & wishing than having. And it starts to hurt. It starts to ache... And a part of you starts to resent the thing you love---wishing that you didn't love it so much, because of how much you hate the feeling of wanting it, & not having it. And when all of this goes too long & too deep, your heart goes dark as you realize that something you love brings you more pain than joy...
When love goes unfulfilled or unexpressed for so long, it starts to sink in & weigh you down. It starts to eat away at you inside. It turns bitter & caustic, hurting every time you think about it. You love it so much, but you hate the way it makes you feel. There's no reconciling those two things---at some point, you either have to obtain or achieve the thing you love, or you have to let it go. And not knowing which to do is the worst part...
But the thing that stings & haunts you the most when you can't obtain something you love is when you can't even try---when you can't even really express your love. You can't tell someone how you feel. You can't enjoy something wonderful. You can't take a shot at achieving something great. You can't be a part of something bigger than yourself. You can't even find out if the joy, wonder, or happiness you want is even obtainable. As cliche & contrived a phrase as it may be, we all have so much love to give... But far too often, fear, busy schedules, higher priorities, or even outright barriers keep that love from seeing the light of day, & it becomes more a curse than a blessing---what began as a precious jewel becomes a red-hot coal that you can't put down.
So I've come to a sad, somber conclusion: I've decided that love is a toxin---if you get it out of your system, you stay healthy...but if you keep it inside, it slowly kills you...
"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel."
There are all kinds of things that we love... People, places, things, events, activities, philosophies... There are so many things to love, & so many ways of loving them. And we never seem to get tired of it---we always seem to be able to find new things to love, & are always so willing to do so.
We love people... We love people romantically...people who fill us up, ignite our souls, & who seem to take all the luster of life with them when they leave. And we love people platonically...people who make us smile, laugh, or simply think...people who brighten our day just by being around us. We love objects...beautiful pictures, delicious foods, electronic devices... We love all sorts of things...fun & loving animals, enjoyable hobbies & activities, stories & ideas, passions & causes...
Love is an amazing thing... It inspires us & excites us...it fills us with excitement & wonder...it brings us joy, amusement, & happiness. It enriches our lives, gives us strength we never thought we had, & makes life worth living.
But love doesn't always feel so good. With so many things, sometimes we can't obtain or achieve what we love, or can't see it come to fruition.
Sometimes someone we care about more than anything else in the world doesn't feel the same. Sometimes there's a barrier keeping us from even finding out if they feel the same, let alone if it could actually work out. Sometimes we give into fear, & can never summon the courage to let someone know how much they mean to us. And sometimes we don't event know what to say given the opportunity...
Sometimes life keeps---or even takes---a friend away from us before a deeper friendship can blossom. Sometimes we can't figure out how to tell someone just how much we value their company, & how much joy they bring into our lives. Sometimes a friend we thought we had simply walks away. And again, sometimes fear or ineloquence simply stops us in our tracks....
Sometimes the busyness or problems in our life keep us from activities & events we enjoy...keep us from developing talents & starting hobbies that we've always wanted to pursue. Sometimes life allows us just enough time to start something, but never enough time to finish it...so the sweetest fruits & greatest joys of something remain out of reach. Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we just can't find or make the time to participate in causes that we deeply believe in, & we simply end up as silent witnesses or passengers to the goings-on of the world around us...
We love so many things, & so often we can't obtain them... And the longer things go, the more frustrating it becomes. As time goes by, we long more & more for the things we love, & only grow more discontent with not having them in our lives. We dream, we hope, we pray, & we strive, but so often we don't seem to get any closer to the things we love. And sometimes we simply miss our chance... People leave our lives for good, events come & go, groups dissolve, projects end... Opportunities pass out of our lives, but our love for them doesn't. It stays inside us, still loving the thing we never had, but somehow lost. But whether something we love stays or leaves, the longer our love for something goes unfulfilled or unexpressed, the heavier that love becomes...
Weeks, months, or years go by, & sometimes the things we love stay distant & unobtainable...while our lives are filled with mundane responsibilites & trivial details that our hearts just aren't in, yet somehow take priority. We think so much on the people, places, & things we love, but end up with far more wanting & wishing than having. And it starts to hurt. It starts to ache... And a part of you starts to resent the thing you love---wishing that you didn't love it so much, because of how much you hate the feeling of wanting it, & not having it. And when all of this goes too long & too deep, your heart goes dark as you realize that something you love brings you more pain than joy...
When love goes unfulfilled or unexpressed for so long, it starts to sink in & weigh you down. It starts to eat away at you inside. It turns bitter & caustic, hurting every time you think about it. You love it so much, but you hate the way it makes you feel. There's no reconciling those two things---at some point, you either have to obtain or achieve the thing you love, or you have to let it go. And not knowing which to do is the worst part...
But the thing that stings & haunts you the most when you can't obtain something you love is when you can't even try---when you can't even really express your love. You can't tell someone how you feel. You can't enjoy something wonderful. You can't take a shot at achieving something great. You can't be a part of something bigger than yourself. You can't even find out if the joy, wonder, or happiness you want is even obtainable. As cliche & contrived a phrase as it may be, we all have so much love to give... But far too often, fear, busy schedules, higher priorities, or even outright barriers keep that love from seeing the light of day, & it becomes more a curse than a blessing---what began as a precious jewel becomes a red-hot coal that you can't put down.
So I've come to a sad, somber conclusion: I've decided that love is a toxin---if you get it out of your system, you stay healthy...but if you keep it inside, it slowly kills you...
"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel."
Monday, March 5, 2012
Progression (Or Lack Thereof)
Nothing progresses in my life, it seems... My job, my income, my home... My family relationships, my social skills, my dating skills... My hobbies, my interests, my activities... My dancing skills, my frisbee skills... Anything... I look back over the last year, & I'm saddened by how little my life has changed for the better. I look back over the last few years, & I'm outright distraught by how little my life has changed for the better.
It's not that I haven't progressed at all---but it's been so incredibly slow-going... I haven't made so much progress that I should've by now. I know the word "should" can be dangerous to use, but it's quite appropriate. And so much of what little progress I have made has either been done the hard way, or has (for all kinds of reasons) come far, far too late... I've spent so much time figuring things out on my own. I'm not sure anyone ever really taught me how to progress in life...in anything...
And I've made so very many mistakes myself...
I feel like I have so little control over so many things. I feel like I'm shooting blind in life...like most of life has ended up being based more on luck & happenstance than on skill or reasoning. And I've let myself become such a weak person... I end up basing so many of my decisions on fear---& it's sad, because I keep seeing so many examples of why my fears are largely justified...
I don't seem to know how to progress in life... Obviously I need to start doing some things differently, but as with most things in life, everything is easier said than done...
Nothing progresses in my life, it seems... It's always the same thing, over & over---the same story, the same schedule, the same activities, the same interactions, the same decisions, the same outcome...
"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
It's not that I haven't progressed at all---but it's been so incredibly slow-going... I haven't made so much progress that I should've by now. I know the word "should" can be dangerous to use, but it's quite appropriate. And so much of what little progress I have made has either been done the hard way, or has (for all kinds of reasons) come far, far too late... I've spent so much time figuring things out on my own. I'm not sure anyone ever really taught me how to progress in life...in anything...
And I've made so very many mistakes myself...
I feel like I have so little control over so many things. I feel like I'm shooting blind in life...like most of life has ended up being based more on luck & happenstance than on skill or reasoning. And I've let myself become such a weak person... I end up basing so many of my decisions on fear---& it's sad, because I keep seeing so many examples of why my fears are largely justified...
I don't seem to know how to progress in life... Obviously I need to start doing some things differently, but as with most things in life, everything is easier said than done...
Nothing progresses in my life, it seems... It's always the same thing, over & over---the same story, the same schedule, the same activities, the same interactions, the same decisions, the same outcome...
"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Step It Up, Ladies
On Valentine's day, on a Blog like this, you might expect a post bemoaning singleness, decrying the comercialization of the holiday, or simply pointing out how the day puts those of us without a special someone in their lives awkwardly into the spotlight.
I'll spare you.
Instead, I have a much more constructive thought to consider regarding romance. Most of what I have to say on the subject of dating, I've already said in my previous posts "Girl Drama" & "Courtship Confusion". But I realized that there's something else that I've thought about quite a lot, but haven't posted on.
I've said before that girls should be as willing to ask out guys as guys are to ask out girls. Too many people cling to archaic gender-roles, thinking that they guy has to act like this, & the girl has to act like that, until that's all it becomes is an act---when it's supposed to be two mutually-interested people, being themselves, & getting to know each other better.
Some girls might object that "If the guy's interested in me, why doesn't he just ask me out? Then I wouldn't have to ask him out." While some girls might say that to simply pass the buck, it is a legitimate question. Aside from the obvious circumstance of the guy not being interested, why don't we ask girls out?
Sometimes we're interested, but don't feel compatible---we feel like we get along well as friends, but that differences would be too much for anything romantic to work out. Sometimes we're interested & feel compatible, but feel like there's a problem (or at least a potential problem)---an age/maturity difference, a religious difference, a physical distance, etc.
Sometimes we're just afraid...of a lot of things. Sometimes that amounts to little more that spinelessness, but sometimes it's more legitimate. Like everyone else to some extent, sometimes we're afraid of awkwardness if she isn't interested, afraid of coming off too strongly & scaring her off, afraid of being nervous & not making a good impressing, afraid of being awkward & making an outright bad impression... And as I've elaborated on at length before, sometimes we're afraid she'll say yes to a date, even if she's not interested...
But regardless of any validity among any of these concerns or fears, girls often have a legitimate reasons to pass the buck (to an extent). They could say "decide whether or not the difference/problem really matters" or "swallow your fears & just do it". But there's another area where the guys really can't take the blame---and where the girls are in the best position to do something about it.
As guys, sometimes we don't ask a girl out because we're under a mistaken impression of some kind about her. It could be that someone lied to us (for whatever reason), or that someone already misinformed passed on bad information to us, or that we overheard or interpreted someone's words or actions wrong, or that we simply make overly-broad assumptions about something. Regardless of the cause, sometimes we come to think that a problem exists that really doesn't.
Sometimes we think that a girl is a different age than she actually is. Sometimes we think that a girl is a different religion than she actually is. Sometimes we think that a girl lives further away than she actually does. Sometimes we think that a girl has a boyfriend when she actually doesn't.
Sometimes, for whatever reason, we think that a girl isn't interested in us when she actually is. We often get these ideas in our heads that "I'm this kind of person, she's that kind of person, & we've had these kinds of interactions---if she was interested in me, I would've seen some sign that she was (or at least might be)." These assumptions are ridiculous, of course, because you never know what's going on inside someone else's head. Sometimes one person is really interested in another person, but are so nervous, they end up largely ignoring them---that doesn't exactly scream of romantic interest, & is easily interpreted as a lack of interest.
The ultimate point is that sometimes, through no fault of our own, us guys feel like we have a legitimate reason for not asking a girl out, when in reality it's based on bad information. At that point, ignorance is bliss, & we really can't be blamed for not asking the girls out. But girls have the power to do something about it.
If a guy is hesitent to ask a girl out because of compatibility, a potential problem, or an outright problem, the girl can ask the guy out---which will either end with both of them knowing it wouldn't work, or forcing the guy to take the time to find out if it would work (i.e., by going out with her). If a guy is simply afraid to ask a girl out, the girl can ask the guy out---letting him know that she's interested, & overcoming the problem of his fear. And if the guy isn't asking a girl out because of a mistaken impression, it may appear to the girl that he's not asking her out for no good reason (or that he's just afraid), in which case, the girl can ask the guy out---which will quickly bring to the front the mistaken impression he's under, allowing her to set him straight. In all cases, the solution to the problem is that girls need to be as willing to ask guys out as guys are to ask girls out. Not that girls need to do the asking instead, but in addition to. It's a win-win situation.
Some girls may object, citing their own fears. But if you object to our fears, I equally object to your fears. Some girls think it's more forward for them to ask guys out than vice versa---but guys & girls are equals in this day & age, so if it's not overly forward for us to show our interest, it's not overly forward for you to show your interest. And consequently, if you turning a guy down isn't automatically disatrously awkward, a guy turning you down isn't automatically disastrously awkward.
Additionally, some girls will claim that they don't know how to ask guys out. But most girls have been asked out before, & have certainly talked with other girls about the ways that guys ask girls out. So if I asked you what the "ideal" way for a guy to ask you out is, would you know how to answer? If you do, then why can't you ask a guy out that way? But I would guess that most girls wouldn't be sure how to answer. And that begs the question: What makes you girls think that us guys have any more of an idea of what we're doing than you do?
And that leads us to another point---I think girls being willing to ask guys out will help both sides better understand what it's like for the other side. Girls asking guys out will help them know what it's like for us---trying to figure out what to say, when to say it, how to repspond to their reaction... It takes a lot of courage to ask someone out, & if girls knew what it was like, they'd be much more willing to cut us guys some slack on the subject. And girls asking guys out will help us know what it's like for them---when someone asks you out completely unexpectedly, & you find yourself totally unprepared, unsure how to respond (whether that's in trying to hide your exitement or your awkwardness). Being put in that position would help guys understand what it's like for girls to think of a reaction on the fly & maintain social composure.
Girls, this is the Twenty-First Century. Guys & girls are equals. Girls need to be as willing to ask guys out as guys are to ask girls out. It forces concerns & problems out of limbo & into resolution, it dispells needless fears, it overcomes the problems of misinformation, & it helps both sides to better understand each other.
On yet another Valentine's day alone, I'll bemoan my singleness privately. But for all the girls who are unhappy about yet another Valentine's day alone, I ask this simple question: Are you actually DOING anything to have a dating life, or are you just expecting the guys to do all the work?
Step it up, ladies.
"Who could refrain that had a heart to love and in that heart courage to make love known?"
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