Courtship Confusion

Once again, it's been quite a while since I blogged...I just get busy w/the crazy randomness of life, & a lot of things just kind of get pushed onto the back burner...  But I really want to keep blogging, & it's about time I discussed a subject I eluded to in my last blog-post:  Dating.

Dating is...insane...on numerous levels...  Where to begin, where to begin...  I suppose my soap-box can be divided into 3 issues:

1- Unequal Gender-Roles
2- "Hanging" vs. "Going" Out
3- Casual True Love

1- Unequal Gender-Roles:

First off, our society clings far too much to archaic rituals & gender-roles...  Centuries ago, the man was supposed to be "dominant", & the woman was supposed to be "subordinate".  The man was expected to make all these outward manifistations to show that he could provide for her & be a good patriarch, or whatever...  But in today's gender-equal world, those kind of ideas just cause problems...

The subject of money is a delicate issue...  I'm not saying that "the girl should always pay for herself".  Regardless of gender, the more an activity costs, the more the "askee" would expect the "asker" to pay for.  But what it really comes down to is that money can become a problem when it comes between equals.  It's like money coming between someone & their parents, in-laws, siblings, or friends.  In the "guy always pays" world, we have the delicate balance of not wanting to seem "cheap", but not wanting to come off as trying to "buy the girl's affection"...it's a delicate issue...

But even beyond money, we cling to these unequal gender-roles, & turn dating into a horrible roller-coaster...  Sometimes the roles even seem to flip, with the guy ending up putting the girl on a pedestal, as if it's only her approval of him that needs to be reached...  Men and women are equals, people!  Dating is supposed to be 2 people spending time as equals, exploring the possibility of becoming more than friends!  It's as simple as that!

2- "Hanging" vs. "Going" Out:

I'll try not to repeat too much of what I said in my 2 early posts titled"Girl Drama"...

Our society seems to take dating far too casually.  We horribly blurr the lines between Dating and Friendship.  I realize that those two things are far from completely different, but they're not the same thing!  It's to the point where (outside of asking out a total stranger, a girl w/a boyfriend, etc.) I just about can't imagine a girl turning me down for a first date.  That's not a good thing!  If a guy asks a girl out, she seems to think "Oh, he's a nice guy, of course I'll go out with him."  A guy wouldn't ask you out if he wasn't sure you thought he was a nice guy!  The question is, do you LIKE him?!

When I ask a girl out, it's because I like her!  I'm attracted to her!  I feel some amount of affection or romantic feelings for her!  That doesn't mean I'm anywhere near ready to get into a relationship!  It just means that I'm interested!  I see the possibility of us becoming more than friends, & I'd like to explore that possibility!  I think a guy should be able to say "Do you want to hang out sometime?", & have the girl know that he's just interested in friendship; and for a guy be able to say "Do you want to go out sometime?", & have the girl know that he's interested in more than friendship.  But our society has made dating so unbelievably casual, that being straight-forward is interpreted as being...just plain forward...  It's become a crime to show interest in someone!  Unless, of course, they like you at least as much as you like them...but that just takes us back to the High School mentalitly of dating...

3- Casual True Love:

It isn't just dating that our culture has come to look at so casually...even ideas of relationships and love have been...cheapened...  I'm not talking about people who will sleep w/someone at the drop of a hat.  I'm talking about normal, everyday, good people, who actually want to find true love.  They go through the whole dating process, and even get into relationships, seemingly as "dating" is supposed to go.

But I see people go out only 2 or 3 times, & then suddenly they're in an exclusive relationship!  I'm not saying that it can't happen that quickly.  Heck, I have an uncle who proposed to my aunt like 3 days after they met, & they've been married for like 40 years, have 7 kids, at least that many grand-kids...  But the vast majority of the time, love doesn't happen that quickly.  I see people go out 2 or 3 times, get into an exclusive relationship, and then 2 or 3 months later, it's over.  And you know what?  I'm never that surprised...

I know that far too many people in this world have some screwed-up ideas about love...  Some people think that it's the same feeling as attraction & infatuation, only more.  It's certainly stronger than that, but it's something inherently different...inherently deeper.  And then Disney & Hollywood have told us that love is this larger-than-life, unrealistic thing that totally changes who you are, gives you unlimited strength & patience, & creates this instant "happily-ever-after".  Real, true love isn't like that.  It takes work.

But no matter how different love is from the cliché we've been taught to believe, I still believe that real, true love is something incredibly special & precious!  It's not something that you get rid of at the drop of a hat, or "throw away like a used tissue" as a friend of mine once described it.  Real, true love is something that should last!  Now I know that for all kinds of reasons, sometimes things just don't work out.  But to me, if most of your relationships only last a few months, it means you're doing something wrong!  Whether that's being selfish, jealous, or possessive...whether you're taking your partner for granted, or going for the wrong kind of person every time...or even if it's just looking at love & relationships too casually...something's not right.

What I've really come to see is that society (whether consciously or unconsciously) seems to make a distinction between Serious Exclusive Relationships & Casual Exclusive Relationships.  I reject ALL notions of a Casual Exclusive Relationship.  I look at the very notion with utter distain...  Some may ask, "What's wrong with that?"  To me it horribly cheapens relationships, the words "I love you", and the very concept of True Love.  An old saying says "When you give your heart away, you give it away for good."  That doesn't have to mean that you can only truely love once, but it should mean that real, true love is NOT something casual!  To me, there's a huge difference between the concepts of "I love you" and "I really, really, really like you."

It's not my place to judge any one person.  I don't know all the details of anyone's relationships.  But if you're dating someone, whether exclusively or not, I would ask you:  Where do you see this going?  I'm not saying that you should only date, or only get into a relationship with, someone if you're ready to marry them, but why would you let yourself get emotionally attatched to someone if you thought or knew that it would end?!  I don't know what my future holds---I don't know who I'll marry, or when I'll marry, & I'm certainly not going to be ready for it anytime in the near future.  But I will never say the words "I love you" and get into an exclusive relationship unless I really think that the relationship will last long-term.  At any point in the process---whether it's the first meeting, getting to know them as friends, dating, or in a relationship---if I knew that it wouldn't work out in the long run, I wouldn't take things any further as more than friends.  I don't want to go through any more heartache than I have to, & for all I know, "the one" (which term I use loosely) might be "just around the corner".

In the movie "National Treasure", the characters Ben & Abigail had this conversation:

Ben: "My father thinks I've been a little too cavalier in my personal life."
Abigail: "I see."
Ben: "Let me ask you something.  Have you ever told someone, not a relative, 'I love you'?"
Abigail: "Yes."
Ben: "More than one someone?"
Abigail: "Yes."
Ben: "Well, then my father says you've been a little too cavalier in your personal life too."

I think that that's rather harsh...like I said for all kinds of reasons, sometimes things just don't work out.  So I'm not going to give any kind of numbers or limits on how many people you've loved or been in an exclusive relationship with.  But ideally, I think we should all aim for the lowest number possible!  What it all comes down to is this:  I really think that most people ultimately want to find "the one".  Not that there's only one person any of us could ever be with, but that most of us want to find someone that we could be happy with for the rest of our lives.  So if that's what most people actually want in the long-term, why are so many people willing to settle for less in the short-term???

I'm not looking for Lust.  I'm looking for Love.  Real, actual, affectionate, deep, meaningful, lasting, True Love.  I fully believe it exists.  That's what I'm looking for when I ask girls out, but it's not something I want to rush into.  Why does it seem that virtually everyone around me are looking for something cheaper, & are willing to give their hearts away in a heartbeat?  Maybe some people are fine with that.  But then they have NO reason to complain when that's all they find.  Maybe some people think that I'm taking things way too seriously.  But I believe that True Love DESERVES to be taken that seriously.

"When the one man loves the one woman and the one woman loves the one man, the very angels desert heaven and come and sit in the house and sing for joy."

Random Stuff

Well...it's been quite a while since I blogged.  Let me tell you why, & what's been going on since then:

School...fell through...I was over-worked, stressed, unmotivated, way behind, sick for 3 months, rethinking my Major...  I didn't even go to the last month of school, & didn't take any of my Finals.  I have no idea where I want to go school/career-wise, which is just as well, since I have no money for school...

Christmas was good---Nice & relaxing.  New Year's Eve was awesome!  Dancing to Royal Crown Revue ^_^  I really don't care what the "Lindy Crowd" thinks---Neo-Swing rocks! :P  The Utah Lindy Exchange (ULX) was quite awesome as well.  Lots of great dances, w/lots of great people (& I wasn't sick for most of it like last year :-\).  Swing Club's been getting more organized, & we had an awesome turnout last week.  This coming weekend is an event called "Harlem Nights"---2 days of dance workshops w/nationally-renowned instructors :)  And next month I'm going to the Sacramento Lindy exchange! :D  I'm super-pumped, 'cause I missed it last year.

As for my lack of computer usage, here's the story:  Back in October, my little brother got a bunch of virus stuff on our computer...  It's happend now & then before, & I'd always managed to fix things, including once back in September (again, it was my little brother...if he does it a third time, I will murder him).  But this time...this time the viri basically...won...  I spent dozens & dozens of hours over trying to fix things, but to no avail.  Just after New Year's, we backed up all our personal files, wiped the hard-drive, & reinstalled everything.  It was a long, arduous process, but everything's working good now, & my family has finally stopped bugging me with "Have you reinstalled such-&-such a program yet? >:-\"

Work...  I recently got a slight raise, but they've also been cutting hours...& probably will again soon...  But I also have this looming deadline ahead of me:  I'm still living at home, 'cause I don't have a degree, I don't have money to pay for school to get a degree, I'm not getting hours to get that money!  Stupid economy...  At any rate, when I turn 25 in August, I won't qualify to stay on my parents' insurance anymore!  So, I've got 6 months to find a job with benefits...  It's just as well, 'cause I want to move out so badly, I want to scream...  You really have no idea...every week it gets worse...  My dad is...a very, very aggravating person to live with...  I'm 24, for Pete's sake, but he still treats me like a child!  I feel like any time or money I spend, I need his approval, or else he starts lecturing me & giving me all kinds of crap...  Sigh...I want to move out so badly...

But some stuff's going alright.  I love animals :)  I'm getting ready to upgrade my Leopard Gecko's habitat this week!  Nothing's too good for Zora...she pretty much rocks :)  I wish I had money & room for more pets...  But I'm really excited that we're getting a new puppy in a few months!  We have a nearly 10 year old Brittany Spaniel, Cheetah, & my dad wants her to help train a new puppy to hunt birds before she gets too old.  Also, once I get some kind of a stable routine, I really want to do some volunteer work with one of the animal adoption agencies---the Utah Humane Society, Utah Animal Adoption Center, No More Homeless Pets, Pet Samaritan, etc.  The number of homeless & euthanized dogs & cats in the U.S. every year is simply appauling...

As for friends & girls...status quo...  Things are going "well" with friends, but not nearly as well as I'd like...  I'm just...lacking...somehow...  And there's been some major drama of some kind between some very dear friends that I wish I could do something about---but it's not my business, & I wouldn't know where to even start, anyway...  And girls...are just as perplexing & aggravating as ever...I've recently come to a realization of how society really seems to view dating, relationships, & love, but that deserves it's own blog-post...

On the whole things have been going better for me, but a couple things last night kind of brought the black clouds in again...  So it's back to business as usual...brooding...  And I'm left to figure out how to......grow up...  Find a new job, not kill my dad, move out, grow w/friends, & figure out girls...  Pshhh, figure out girls...that's on top of trying to move on from past girls...  I'm carrying way too many torches...God in Heaven I'm carrying too many torches...

"Every time that it seems I get too close to the flame
 It burns me and leaves me the same
 But my heart just won't take it
 Another drop will just break it for good
 So I cut the tie, in the blink of an eye
 And I leave it out there to die...misunderstood"

Ever-Changing Friendships

It's Christmas Eve, & I wax nostalgic...

The Holiday Season really flew by for me this year...  I've been busy w/work, dancing, computer-viri, being exhausted...  I guess it hasn't been a total loss...I haven't been completely superficial about Christmas, I've put a little though into it's true meaning, I got all my shopping done, I got some great Christmas-dances in...

But the thing that's really been occupying my thoughts this season is friends.  Friends are an interesting thing...  They say that "Friends come and go, but family is forever", which I guess is true in a lot of ways.  But on the other hand, I would say that "Family is family regardless---but you choose your friends."  My family are good people, it's hard to picture my life without them, & they're far from the last people I'd choose to associate with...but they're far from first, too.  You might say that friends are the people we choose to be family.

But more than the fact that you choose your friends is that they choose you.  We all know people that we think are really cool or really fun, and maybe they "like" us, but they just don't seem to esteem us as highly as we do them (which isn't anything personal).  But every now & then, we meet someone that seems to think that we're as awesome as we think they are.

That concept is so wonderful to me...  Your family kind of has to love you.  Sure, some people's families don't, but there really is an obligation to love your family.  And sure, we all have an obligation to "love our fellow man", but that's not quite the same as the deep, personal love of friendship.  Friends are people who love you when they don't have to.  That's really something special.

At any rate, I've been thinking a lot about my friends...more specifically, about people who "used to be my friends", you might say...  I've never had a "falling out" with anyone, but sometimes people just grow apart...people get busy, move on with life, move away...  And then one day you realize that your friendship isn't the same.  Not like they're simply "someone I used to know", & certainly not like they're "not my friend any more", but more like they're "a friend I used to know".

How sad...  I know change is inevitable, & I know that sometimes change is good.  But sometimes...sometimes change really sucks.  I don't want to lose any more friends...I don't want anyone else to drift away...  My friends mean so much to me, & I miss my "old friends" so much...friends from High School, that I've hardly seen since then...friends from the Weber State Swing Club, who I've hardly seen since they left...friends from the Weber State Dance Team, who I've hardly seen since I left...friends from the U of Utah Swing Club, the Golden Skillet, & the Murray Arts Centre, who haven't come in ages...

I don't want anyone else to become "a friend I used to know".  Life is about people.  I hate it when people leave...I hate missing people that matter to me...because when they're gone, a part of me is missing...

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."

So Very Tired...

I'm so tired...so tired of being tired...  Mentally & emotionally tired, of course...but it's even harder to deal with those when you're always physically tired as well...

I can never get to sleep easily...  If I'm absolutetly exhausted, I can get to sleep in maybe half an hour, but most nights, it takes at least an hour, sometimes two...  My mind just won't stop working!  I can never stop thinking!  And if I try not to think, I get bored, & then I'm preoccupied w/being bored...or I get preoccupied w/trying not think...  If nothing else, my mind just catches onto whatever random thought strays by...the last thing I was thinking of, a song stuck in my head, something that happened that day, something coming up the next day...  Pure sleepiness eventually wins over, but not quickly enough...

And even worse is trying to wake up...I've never been a morning person...even if I get to bed before midnight, I can sleep in 'til 9:00 w/out even trying.  But it's gotten worse...this past summer I spent most mornings sleeping in 'til 10:00...and lately when I don't have to be anywhere, I can sleep in 'til 11:00...or later...  I'm just so incredibly, unbelievably groggy...my mind just feels like mush...  I consider getting up, & I just think "Ughhh..." & fall right back to sleep like that...

But the worst part of all is how the rest of me feels...regardless of how little I wore myself out the night before, regardless of how early I went to bed, in the morning I feel completely & totally drained of energy...  My whole body, especially my limbs, especially my legs, feels heavy & tight...often to the point of lightly aching...  Every night I go to bed feeling tired (as I should), but then every morning I wake up feeling exhausted...

On one episode of the TV show M*A*S*H, a reporter from the States was asking all the main characters questions about the war, their work, etc.  When asked what they hoped to do when the war ended, the character Hawkeye said "I'd like to take six to eight months, and become unconscious...not do anything, not go any place, not have anything asked of me...just sleep...  And then I'd like to go to Europe, and sleep there for a year."

Oh, how I echo his sentiment...  Sometimes I just want to sleep...and sleep...and sleep...and sleep until I just can't sleep anymore...  I wonder what that feels like...to be so rested that you actually want to get out of bed?  I have no idea, because I never sleep well...I would kill for a good-night's sleep...  And such exhaustion robs me of the day's morale right from the get-go...I have so little motivation to do what needs doing each day...

I'm always tired, I've had a cold for 2 1/2 months, & I have lots of other little medical oddities going on, too...  I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so we'll se how it goes.  I just hope he can find something wrong with me that has a definite solution.  Because I can't function like this...

So very tired...

"Even thus last night, and two nights more I lay,
 And could not win thee, Sleep, by any stealth:
 So do not let me wear to-night away.
 Without thee what is all the morning's wealth?
 Come, blessed barrier between day and day,
 Dear mother of fresh thoughts and joyous health!"

Destination

Disillusion

Life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would by this point...they way I hoped it would, & the way I was always told it would...  My apologies for the length of this post...

Preparation

There are all kinds of things in life...big things like an LDS guy going on a Mission, or moving away from home...other things like going to college, or getting a job...or seemingly simple things like dating...& plenty of other things as well.  These are all perfectly good things, but so often in life, people expect you to do things at a certain time, & in a certain way, but then they do virtually nothing to prepare you for them.

Maybe it's just me.  But everyone kept telling me "When it comes to this point, you're expected to do this...", & I just kind of thought "Um, okay."  But then the time for those things came, & they basically just threw me to the wolves, expecting me to jump in head first, & hit the ground running...& I just kind of thought "Um...okay?"  I don't expect anyone to hold my hand through the important things in life, but so many things...no one every really prepared me for.

Responsibility

Don't think I'm trying to absolve myself of all responsibility.  There are plenty of times where I just slacked off.  Where I said to myself "I really don't want to do this."  Or where I thought I had plenty of time, & just procrastinated.  Sometimes I just didn't think things out.  Sometimes I made really stupid mistakes.  I have plenty of regrets...more than I care to admit...I'm just glad I haven't ruined my life...  But I still "dropped the ball" in a lot of areas...

Accountability

But the thing is, when I didn't do a lot of things that I probably should have, no one really said anything...  I don't want people to be all over me, getting on my case, but when I "dropped the ball", people just let it slide...  I don't know if they though "Oh, he'll get going and do it sooner or later" or what, but people let me get away with mediocrity...with irresponsibility...  No one held me accountable for things I probably should have done.

Growth

In short, there are lots of things no one really prepared me for, then I dropped the ball on them, & then no one held me accountable.  So for about 3 whole years, I basically went nowhere...stuck in a dead-end job, hardly stretching myself at all, & barely growing at all as a person...  And now here I am, at 24 years old...and so many people expect something from me...adulthood.  I'm expected to feel like an adult, think like an adult, talk like an adult, act like an adult, live like an adult, & be an adult.

But you know what?  I'm not an adult.  Sure, I'm a physical & mental adult, but I'm not an emotional adult.  I see little point in trying to hide that anymore...it's probably pretty obvious to anyone who knows me more than casually...  There are so many things...so much life experience & maturity...that I just don't have...  Yeah, I probably should have them, but I don't.  I'm 24, & in more than one are of life, I still feel like a 17-year-old Highschooler...  I feel so far behind everyone my age...but I have gained some experience, maturity, & growth since High School...so I don't really fit in with that group either...but where does that leave me?

Breaking Point

I feel all this pressure to "catch up" to where I'm "supposed to be", all the while trying not to burn out...  And you know what I'm starting to realize?  I can't handle everything.  I can't handle the stress from school, studying, work, church, family, friends, girls, society...  Constant stress from every aspect of life?!  It's too much!  Something has to give...the question is, what???

Should I give up on school, & just enjoy what I can?  Should I give up on work, & consign myself to being dirt-poor & unable to have or do anything I want until I'm graduated w/a great job?  Should I give up my social life?  Should I give up on my reponsibilites at home, church, or to society?  Even if I give up on something, the point is to make time for other things...the other stresses I can't handle, the responsibilities I'm failing in, & the dreams I don't have the time or energy to achieve...

Happiness

But the thing is, even if I "get a handle" on one thing or another, I need to look at the bigger picture.  I was going nowhere in life...  Then life smacked me upside the head, I got out of my dead-end job, registered for college, chose a major, got a better job...& I was going somewhere...  But it's coming to the point where that's not enough...I need to know where I'm going.  And need to know that where I'm going will make me happy.

School is such a big part of my life...but my heart is just not in it...  I'm so behind on studying, & I'm not sure how I'll make it through Finals...but even more, I'm absolutely dreading starting next Semester, because I'm not sure anymore if I'm going where I should be.  I started in Middle East Studies because I like dabbling in exotic languages, & Arabic is a really valuable language to know.  I wanted to get a degree where my skills would be in demand.  I don't want to have to be a slave to work...just another Joe Punch-Clock...another Nine-to-Five Nobody...

Arabic is very in demand, but I still don't know what I'll do with it.  And the further I get into school, the more afraid I am that I'll end up somewhere I don't want to be... somewhere that will make me unhappy...  I'm afraid to invest...or waste...any more time, money, & energy in college if I don't know where I'm going.  I need to know that my direction will lead me to happiness.

Solution?

I'm seriously doubting my major...I'm seriously doubing if I should even register for classes next semester...  But I don't know what to do.  I don't want to slip into another horrible rut of going nowhere, but I don't know how to find out where I want my life to go...how to find out what will make me happy.  And if I don't know how, I certainly don't know how long it will take to find out...

"The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going."

People-Skills

I'm severely lacking in certain people-skills...

I have this friend...at least I thought they were a friend...that I haven't seen in ages. I really value their friendship, & I miss them like crazy. But I feel like they've been blowing me off... I don't message them too often by any means, but often enough that they should realize I'm not just randomly messaging them in passing. I really think they should realize that I miss them & want to see them. But I'm getting nothing back...I feel like I'm the only one putting anything into our friendship...

I really want them to know that I miss them, and that I'm hurt that I never see or even hear from them. But I don't want to come off as clingy or needy... More than anythying, I'm don't want to elicit a pity-friendship response... As a little kid I was a total nerd, & got picked on a lot, so a lot of the nice kids were particularly "nice" to me. But I knew that it wasn't because they actually wanted to spend time with me---it was because they felt sorry for me. I don't want that, because it's not real. It's not...genuine. It means a lot to me when people say or do things they don't have to. But more importantly, when they do them for the right reasons.

I feel like if I confronted my friend about this, they'd almost certainly make the time to spend some time with me. But I couldn't be sure if it was because they felt bad for hurting me, or because they felt bad about themself. The first would be more about making me feel better, and the latter about making them feel better. If this friend of mine spends time with me, I want it to be because they actually want to spend time with me. I don't want them to spend time with me out of guilt... I guess what I'm afraid of the most is that I don't mean as much to them as a friend as I thought I did...

Maybe I'm over-thinking things, and making the situation a bigger deal than it should be...but genuineness is very, very important to me... Any real, lasting friends I've had have come from a very genuine love for me as a person. Anything else I've had have just been "nice people" that I've been "acquainted with". Which is nice, but it's not friendship...and it shouldn't be disguised as such. I just wish I knew what to do about this friend of mine...

I'm severely lacking in certain people-skills...

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

Pressure, Purpose, & Passion

Burnout

I've been working extra hours this week & last, & I've hardly had time to breathe... I've been fighting burout so bad...I've been so wasted, I've skipped school 3 times this week... Sometimes you need time to just do nothing...I'm not talking about time to "slack off", I'm talking about time to relax, wind down, decompress... And it's even harder, because I'm dying to move out...at 24 I'm itching for my independence. I'm not just some impatient kid wanting to be able to do whatever he wants. I may not have everything "figured out", but I'm not going to screw up my life. And at this point, I'd rather learn my lessons on my own than have them shoved down my throat.

But I don't know if moving out would make things any easier... I'm doing school full-time (and drowning in it, no less). Working full time in addition to that would kill me... And yet some people do it! And more than that, they seem to be able to handle it! They even seem happy in life! How?! Seriously! I want to know! How do you do it? How do you do full time school and work without burning out?

You're Not Paid to Think

The thing is, the world doesn't give a damn about my morale... All the world cares about is that I live up to the bar everyone else has set... Society has all these things they've always told me that I have to do... Why? Why do I have to do all these things? Why do I have to be "Peter Priesthood" in the Church? Why do I have to go through 4 years of college & graduate with a Bachelor's Degree? Why do I have to get a 2-story house in the suburbs with a 2-car garage & 2.5 children? Why do I have to work 9 to 5, Monday through Friday?

Get to Work

I'm not saying that any of those things are bad, but why do I absolutely have to do any of those things? Can't I just live the way I know is right? Why are people who don't go through college viewed as not being responsible? Is there some law written into the fabric of existence that says you're a slacker if you're not punching in 40 hours a week? I just feel like I'm jumping through hoops...I feel like I'm living up to everyone's expectations...like I'm living for everyone else, & not for me... I don't know how long I can sit on society's conveyer-belt while they send me along down the assembly-line...

Maybe I should do some or all of those things I mentioned before...but I don't know that for myself yet. If there's something in life that I really should do, I want to know that I should do it, and I want to be motivated to do it. But I don't want to do it just because everyone else thinks I should. That's no reason to do anything. I want to know my path for myself. I want a purpose in life. I know there's a purpose to life, but I don't seem to have a purpose for myself...

Individuality

But more than that, I want to know what drives me. I don't have that yet... What drives everyone else? What drives you? What's your passion in life? There are things I care about, of course. But there's nothing I've found that I want to focus my life on. And in the meantime, I find myself just surviving...trying to enjoy the present, & prepare for the very near future...it's getting very, very tiring...

"...I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.  I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear...I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...as to put to rout all that was not life..."

Detox

I've recently gotten into watching reruns of the medical show "House, M.D."  Quite an interesting show.  The main character, Dr. Gregory House, is an absolutely brilliant doctor, but has absolutely no cander or social tact of any kind.  He's a crass, blunt, & insultive individual.  The other important thing to know is that he's handicapped.  He had an aneurysm in his leg years ago, which killed a lot of nerve tissue.  He walks around with a cane and a severe limp, which he's quite bitter about.  And his leg still hurts because of it.  You'll see him pop a few pain pills at least once in nearly every episode.

At any rate, on the episode that played last week, "Detox", the hospital administrator gave House enough incentive to go without pain pills for a week.  Throughout the episode, his withdrawl symptoms increased terribly, leaving him distracted, breathing heavily, and with big, red bags under his eyes (all while trying to solve another difficult case before the patient dies).

House made it a week without his pills, but went right back to using them afterwards.  While talking with his friend, Dr. Wilson, he admitted to being an addict, but said it wasn't a problem.  The conversation heated up as Wilson insisted that House had changed since the aneurysm, and finally House slammed his cane down onto the table, shouting "Of course I've changed!"  After a few moments of silent tension, Wilson carefully asked "...And everything’s the leg?  Nothing’s the pills?  They haven’t done a thing to you?"  House gave Wilson a steely, unwavering look, and said "They let me do my job.  And they take away my pain."

I like to think that most people aren't addicted to any drugs or actual substances.  But sometimes lifestyles, habits, behaviors, actions, or even simple mind-sets can be things that we depend on far too much.  These things can be good, neutral, or bad, but even the good ones can be unhealthy if we're using them too much, at the wrong times, or in the wrong ways.  We cling to these things as coping strategies, or even as crutches, to deal with the problems and pain in our lives.  To one extent or another, I think most of us are psychological/emotional addicts.

Addiction is no way to live, but Detox is the hardest part.  We try to go without our familiar, comfortable, chaining coping strategies.  But the withdrawl symptoms set in, and we find ourselves facing the pain we've avoided, terrified of not knowing when we'll make it through.  And even worse, sometimes we don't know how to make it through.  We need a Plan B.  Without some alternate plan, some better, healthier coping strategy, we ultimately give up, and turn back to our addictive coping strategies.

I think we all know at heart that our shallow, selfish, fear-based coping strategies are bad for us.  But they let us do our job.  And they take away our pain.  The trick is to find Plan B...because the torturous cycle of starting & quitting Detox continues forever without it...

"It is not heroin or cocaine that makes one an addict, it is the need to escape from a harsh reality.  There are more television addicts, more baseball and football addicts, more movie addicts, and certainly more alcohol addicts in this country than there are narcotics addicts."

Time of My Life

Ever since I can remember, people have always told me that this (whenever that was) was the "time of my life". That I should be "living it up" and enjoying life because it was "my time". But no matter what age I was, people always told me that. Your entire life can't be the "time of your life". Yeah, life should be enjoyed all around, but the idea of there being a "time of your life" suggests that one particular part of you life is "your time". And everyone has their own opinions on just what part of your life that is. I don't expect any time in life to be totally care-free any 100% fun, but life isn't meant to be be all stress & work with the occasional distraction...we're supposed to enjoy life...

But one way or the other, I still have yet to find that time...

Being a little kid was supposed to be the "time of my life", because I didn't have any real responsibilities. But at that age, life is so simple...there may not be any big worries, but there's no great joys either. You're innocent, but also...ignorant. Then when I got into Jr. High it was supposed to be the "time of my life", because I was older, and could try new & better things. But all that age was to me was a reminder of all the things I couldn't do yet...just an impatience for the future. Then High School was supposed to be the "time of my life". I was supposed to be hanging out with friends, going to parties, driving, dating, and having fun in between school & studying. But I just found myself standing on the fringe of the social scene, without a clue how to talk to girls...

Finally, getting into College was supposed to be the "time of my life". I was supposed to be an adult, making my own decisions, moving out, finding a serious girlfriend, gaining freedom... But I'm still living like an 18-year-old...I'm swamped with school, I'm too busy to hang out with friends much, I can hardly ever get dates, I'm sick of living with my parents, I'm broke, and I don't know when I'll ever be able to move out...

When is this "time of my life" actually going to start???

"Happiness: We rarely feel it.
I would buy it, beg it, steal it,
Pay in coins of dripping blood
For this one transcendent good."

Twitterpation Syndrome

All too often, people talk as if being Twitterpated is nothing more than that emotion you feel when you first find yourself enamored with someone.  But if that someone turns out to be someone very special, it lasts a lot longer than that.  When you find someone that, for whatever reason, is just so wonderful to you, it can last for years.  Even if you develop deeper feelings for them, Twitterpation is still that rush of emotion you get where your heart just oozes every time you see them smile.

But people also talk as if being Twitterpated is always this wonderful, fluttery, dreamy, frolicking-through-the-meadows, head-in-the-clouds, happy feeling.  Twitterpation isn't so nice to deal with when you can't pursue your feelings.  Sometimes that wonderful person doesn't feel the same, sometimes you can't find out if they do, and sometimes (for all kinds of reasons) you don't have a green light even if they do.  When things aren't looking so great, being Twitterpated...just makes you crazy.

It's a cruel torment when you can't be with someone.  It's like a disease...  Especially when you really think they might want to be closer to you if certain...things...were different.  Twitterpation Syndrome gnaws at your heart, keeping you up at night...  You spend so much time thinking about them, missing them, and wanting to be around them.  But then when you are, you find yourself starting to wish that you weren't, so you could stop thinking about them.  Unfortunately, that never happens, because that was the problem in the first place.

They say that "time heals all wounds"...  It does to a certain extent, but it's not enough.  Getting over someone isn't nearly that simple.  When wounds are really deep, they don't heal all the way on their own---they need help.  That help is something that no one can give you except another person who strikes that certain, special chord in you.  You can't "move on" unless you have someone else to move on to.  But if you don't have that, you're just...screwed.  Because you're just left there, still Twitterpated with someone you can't be with...

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come."