Closing Time

A very sad event is approaching...As of this month, I've been a weekly dancer at the MAC (Murray Arts Centre) for 6 whole years.  There's maybe 6 weekends a year that I don't go to the MAC.  I have so many memories, I've had such great times, & I've met so many wonderful people there...  It holds a special place in my heart like few other places do.

For those uninformed, the MAC consists of 2 buildings, with dances going on Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, & Saturday nights.  The dancing is a spread between Swing, Latin, & Ballroom (depending on the night), with all kinds of lessons each week.  It has the greatest variety of dancing I've ever seen.  I've been an avid dancer there Saturday nights, where in the South Building they have a great mix of Swing, Latin, & Ballroom, with a wonderful DJ, & great people.

But the economy has really been hitting the owners of the MAC hard...  Attendance has been down severely, & apparently for the last 6 months or so, they haven't even been breaking even---they've been losing money every week.  So last night, they announced that after this coming Saturday, they'll be suspending Saturday Night dances in the South Building.  They hope to start up again once the economy improves, but who knows when that will happen...

It's really heartbreaking...  So many of us look forward to it every week, or at least as often as we're able to go.  There's plenty of other Dance Venues to do Lindy-Hop, West Coast Swing, & Latin, but Saturday Nights at the MAC is really the only place around to do East Coast Swing or Ballroom.  I don't know what we're going to do...

I can hear half the Lindy-Hoppers in Utah now:  "No big loss---more time to do Lindy.  East Coast sucks, Latin sucks, Ballroom sucks, the MAC sucks..."   Let me ask you Lindy-Hoppers a few questions:

"Have you ever actually been to the MAC on Saturday Nights?"  90% of you---NO.  Most of you have just heard about it from others, most of whom I ask these next few questions:

"Do you know much East Coast, Latin, or Ballroom?"  90% of you---NO.  Most of you just know Lindy-Hop, some Charleston, & maybe a little Balboa or Shag.

"When you've gone to the MAC, did you make any attempt to actually learn any East Coast, Latin, or Ballroom?"  90% of you---NO.  You just want to Lindy to the Swing songs, & end up disappointed when there aren't as many Swing songs as you're used to, & when there aren't many (if any) people there who know how to Lindy.

"When you've gone to the MAC, did you ask people to dance that you didn't know, & try to meet new people?"  90% of you---NO.  Most of you just end up being anti-social with the other Lindy-Hoppers you come with. 

The vast, vast majority of people who talk trash about the MAC have never really...participated in the "MAC experience".  And far too many Lindy-Hoppers in Utah seem to take pleasure in talking trash about the MAC.  But in the end, it comes down to 1 of 2 issues.  The first is simply a lack of interest in Non-Lindy.  If you really, really, really like one particular form of Dance or Music, & just don't care for many/any others, that's fine.  But it's just about your individual taste---not any kind of inherent inferiority of other forms of Dancing or Music.

But the biggest issue is with certain people that, for around 5 years, I've thought of, quite frankly, as "The Lindy Snobs".  There are certain people in the Lindy Community who think that Lindy-Hop is just inherently superior to any other form of Dance, Swing or otherwise.  Sure, it is the most complex---I've seen more intricate technique in Lindy-Hop than in any Latin or Ballroom Dance.  But complexity doesn't equal superiority, & far too many Lindy-Hoppers look down on less-complex forms of Dance, especially less-complex Swing Dances, with absolute disdain.

I like Lindy-Hop---I love Lindy-Hop.  Heck, I've been doing more Lindy than anything else for a while.  But you know what?  Sometimes simpler can be better.  I can't count the number of newbies that I've seen scared off by the complexity of Lindy-Hop, but I've danced with countless newbies with no dance experience who picked up East Coast easily.  It's perfectly fine to prefer one type of Dance, but I'm fed-up with the complete arrogance of some Lindy-Hoppers in thinking that they're superior people simply because they're good at a more complex Dance.

Sorry about the rant...I've put up with far too much crap from the Lindy Snobs over the years...  And it's not like they're directly responsible for Saturday Nights at the MAC's South Building closing down---they could've supported the MAC more, but it's mainly the economy...all of the Dance Venues have been suffering, & the MAC has the most.  But what really angers me is how many Lindy-Hoppers are going to be happy about this closure at the MAC, no matter who or how many people they know & like that are unhappy about it.

At any rate...

This is really a sad time for us who love the MAC...  There's no other place for us to do East Coast or Ballroom, let alone both of those mixed in with Latin.  This closure is going to leave a big hole in our Dancing lives...  And there's so many people that I only see at the MAC---I don't want to drift away from them.

I know nothing lasts in this life, including Dance.  Popularity of Dances Venues comes & goes, as well as Dances themselves.  But it's just hard...  I first started dancing up at the Weber State Swing Club, & I got to watch that Venue die...it was heartbreaking, & so depressing...  And I've been watching the same thing happen to the MAC this year...

Maybe things will pick up when the economy improves.  I have a friend who was a regular at the MAC 10-12 years ago, until things died down.  And when I started going 6 years ago, it was in its prime again.  Things come & go, including little highs & lows within bigger highs & lows.  And this is one of the bigger lows...

It's not like I planned to go to the MAC every week for the rest of my life---or any of the other Dance Venues, or anything else I do every week.  All of them are things I expect to leave behind at some point when I need to move on in life.  But we all want to move on because we're ready, not because something we love dies...

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

Copyright vs. Free Exchange

A friend of mine recently posted a link on Facebook to a rather lengthy article describing the history of Copyright, & its implications today.  The subject is very important today, with people sharing music, software, & other ideas freely (often in defiance of Copyright laws).  I apologize for the length of the article, but it's a very interesting read:

http://questioncopyright.org/promise

There's a whole lot of truth in there, & Copyright law has gone way overboard on so many levels...  For example, if someone wants to copy/pirate a song, they can find a way to do it---there are programs that can bypass DRM (Digital Rights Management) coding in a song-file by re-recording the song straight from the sound-card.  So if someone really wants a song without paying for it, they can find a way to get it, & they really can't be stopped.  DRM coding did/does more harm to people trying to use their own music legally & honestly than it did to those trying to use it illegally & dishonestly.

But there still is precedent, both legal and moral, for Copyright.  The "Free Exchange Movement" has many, many benefits, as that article clearly illustrates.  It helps encourage the spread of ideas & creativity like never before.  Many people are perfectly willing to give their creations away for free, for as simple & selfless reasons as others' enjoyment or the betterment of the world.

And there are quite often ways to make a living off of creativity without a "pay-per-copy" system---as the article gives as an example, many musicians give their music away for free, and the resulting word-of-mouth publicity brings them more money (via concerts/performances, other appearances, endorsements, etc.) than the "pay-per-copy" system would.

But there are those who still directly depend on their creations for their livelihood.  Some don't have any other job or form of income.  Some don't have the money, opportunity, time, popularity, or other means (like the example in the previous paragraph) to make money while giving their creation away for free.  If they can figure out a way to do it, that's great!  So many artists/creators are figuring out how / gaining the ability to do it, which is ultimately better (they still get to make a living, & we get what we want for free!).  But for those who can't do that yet, they deserve to be paid for their creation.

The article makes the point that digital media---things like images, sound/music, video, coding/programming/software, etc.---aren't the same as physical objects.  It takes money to make each individual object, so for each object obtained for free, money is lost by the creator. But with digital media, countless copies can be made for free.

All that is true, but as I said, some people still directly depend on their creations for their livelihood---some people still depend on their efforts for their livelihood.  Whether physical objects or digital media, effort has been put forth.  In this way, digital media is more like a service.  When you give service, you don't run out of it, but you still deserve compensation for others to benefit from it.

Many people choose to give their creations away for free, opting not to personally profit from their efforts, which is great.  But those people choose to do so.  And others who still directly depend on their efforts & creations for their livelihood have the right to receive compensation, if they choose to do so.  In the end, it could be simply put this way:  "If I put forth effort, I have the right to demand compensation for you to benefit from that effort."

The "Free Exchange Movement" has almost unimaginable potential & benefit, & should be supported.  I encourage all artists/creators to figure out ways to make a living while allowing their creations to be copied & transferred freely.  But many people still directly depend on their efforts & creations for their livelihood, & have the right to receive compensation.  That's why I support the principle of Copyright (if not the manners in which publishers & distributors have upheld it).

“Justice is the firm and continuous desire to render to everyone that which is his due.”

Change

I look at a lot of the stresses & dissatisfactions in my life since I've graduated High School, & I've come to realize what the source of a lot of them are:  Change.  Both change itself, and a lack of it.  Change in the world around me, and a lack of change in my own life.  As I've mentioned before, change can be great, but it can also really suck.  But a lack of change can be both good & bad as well.  And looking back over the last 8 years or so, my life has had far too much of the bad change, & the bad lack of change.

Dancing...  I've been dancing for over 7 1/2 years, & I've been part of the Salt Lake Dance scene for almost 6 1/2...  And I feel like the dance scene is dying...  Not necessarily completely---all venues & scenes go through ups & downs, but those ups & downs are usually little ups & downs within bigger ups & downs.  A friend of mine used to be a regular at the MAC like 10 years ago, & the scene was great.  Then it died...& he & all his friends stopped going...  But when I started going about 6 years ago, the MAC was at the peak of popularity again---& now it's largely dead...  I suppose I just need to accept that...and maybe move on...but I long for the "up" to come back soon...  And even the Lindy scene isn't what it used to be...& I don't see any signs of an approaching "up"...

Then there's my personal life...  I'm almost 26 and still living at home...not a Returned Missionary...never had a full-time job...not anywhere near done with college...never had a girlfriend...  So many elements of "growing up" just haven't happened for me...  But they've happened to just about everyone around me.  Everyone seems to being going in life where I want to, but I can't figure out how they do it.!  How do you all do it?!  How do you live away from home before getting a college degree?!  How do you get a decent job without a college degree?!  How did you figure out what you want to do with your life?!  How do you find so many people who actually want to go out with you?!  How do you handle work, & school, & living on your own, & still manage to have a social life?!

But ultimately, I've come to realize something...  All the things around me that are changing that I'm not happy about all fall into 1 of 3 categories:  Friends not coming around, friends getting married, or friends moving away.  What I've come to realize is that everyone else is moving on with life, & going through change in life, but I'm not.  If I was, I wouldn't mind so much things changing for my friends.  But because my life isn't changing, I'm not ready for (or happy about) my friends' lives changing.  Because that change takes them away from me.

If I was moving on in life with them, it'd be okay...  If I was putting my heart into school or entering a career...if I was finding a serious girlfriend (or any girlfriend, for that matter), or even getting married & starting a family...if I was going through good changes in life, that good would fill the void left by my friends who are leaving me behind...  Change is inevitable.  I understand that, but I guess I need to accept it more...I need to accept that the people I love are going through good change, & I need to be happy for them.  But that attitude will only get me so far until I can figure out how to get my own life to change...for the better...

"When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can turn into deadly projectiles."

Community

I've been Swing Dancing for over 6 1/2 years, & I've been part of the greater Swing Dance Community in Utah for over 5 years.  Things have been coming to a head over the last few months, & I've come to realize something...people in this Community don't support each other like they used to:

1st, I think of the Golden Skillet.  When the it first opened, within a few months, virtually all of the really good people from the U of U Swing Club (Thursdays) stopped coming, & started going to the Skillet (Fridays) instead.  And so the U of U Swing Club really died down, really quickly.  If Fridays worked better for them, if they liked the "feel" of the Skillet better, or whatever else, I'm not gonna hold it against them.

But ever since then, most of us who were left at the U of U Swing Club felt like a lot of the people who switched Venues started looking down on us, as if it was our fault that our Venue died.  But it wasn't--it was their fault for leaving!  Again, I'm not going to hold that part against them--but it seemed like a lot of them acted like we drug the Venue down or something.  Ever since then, it's felt like they've looked down on us for not being as good as they were--but we couldn't be, 'cause there was hardly anyone good left to help us improve!

2nd, I think about the USU Swing Club up in Logan...  I used to know tons of people up there, it was a great scene, & people from up there would come visit the rest of us halfway often...  Then, about a year & a half ago, pretty much all of the "top" people from up there moved down here to Salt Lake...  After that, it was kind of a "rebuilding" time for the scene up in Logan, but they still stuck it out.

I still knew quite a few people up there, too.  And every time I'd see or talk to any of them--at the Utah Lindy Exchange, at Harlem Nights, at the Elite Hall Dances, at the Swing Dance Invitational, whenever any of them happened to come to Salt Lake, or on Facebook--I'd always talk to them about bringing a group down to dance in Salt Lake.  They always said they'd try, but no one ever came...  A lone person or two, once in a blue moon...but no groups...ever...

For about the first half of last year, I tried time & again to organize a time when the U of U Swing Club could go visit Logan--but I never got any help.  So I just picked a date well ahead of time, let them know, got a group, & we headed up one evening.  But there wasn't much of a group--in fact, there were more of us than there were of them!  And there were only 2 people I knew...  No one even bothered to tell us that things were pretty slow in the summer, & that we should've waited...

All in all, if it weren't for USU hosting Harlem Nights every year, the Logan Swing Scene would just fade away as far as the rest of us are concerned...and Harlem Nights is moving to Salt Lake next year--what hope will the Logan Scene have then?

3rd, I think of the BYU Swing Club & the Downtown Stomp.  A number of people from the U of U Swing Club visit those 2 Venues halfway often, but virtually no one from their Venues visits the U of U...and when they do, it's usually just them advertising for their own Venues...

4th, is the newly-opened Blue Tango.  It's on Thursday nights, the same night as the U of U Swing Club has been for over a decade.  It was frustrating enough for the U of U to have to compete with Blues House Parties on Thursdays, but now an official Venue?

5th, the Downtown Stomp is moving to Saturday Nights, the same as the BYU Swing Club.  Granted, they're talking about just "experimenting" with Saturdays, as BYU doesn't dance during the summer.  But switching from Friday, to Saturday, & then back to Friday again isn't going to help things--a Venue needs stability.  And if they decide to stay on Saturday night, it's just going to compete, with both BYU & the MAC.

6th, is simply an attitude a lot of people have taken...  There aren't as many people coming out to any of the Venues as there used to be.  I understand that Swing Dancing comes & goes in waves, & that we're in kind of in a low spot right now.  And I understand that the tough economy right now makes it hard for a lot of people to come out.

But I hear so many people saying that they don't come dancing "because hardly anyone comes"!  That is so stupid...if all the people who said that just came, then there would be lots of people!  So just come!  And if you get a slow night, oh well--just come back the next time, & encourage everyone else to do the same.  If you've got conflicts, fine.  If you've got something you'd rather do, fine.  If you can't afford it, fine.  But not coming because of a lack of people is so incredibly self-defeating...  It needlessly robs everyone of good nights of dancing...

I look back over the last few months, & over the last few years, & all of these things have just come to focus on one painful point:  People in this Community don't support each other like they used to.  They don't even talk about it like they used to.  People don't support each other's Venues--let alone existing Venues.  Each little group is so overly-occupied with their own little piece of the Swing Dance Community, it seems like far too many of them have lost sight of the importance of supporting the rest of the Swing Dance Community.

It seems like all of the Venues are just...floundering...in obscurity, in isolation, & in mediocrity...  And it's not gonna change if we don't remember how to help each other--how to be a Community again...

"The good we secure for ourselves is precarious and uncertain until it is secured for all of us and incorporated into our common life."

Job Search Hell

Job-searching has always been the most demoralizing of any experience in life for me...  Wandering around from business to business, spending hours gathering applications, spending hours & hours & hours filling them out, writing down the same information over & over & over again until my hand is so cramped that I can hardly hold the pen, spending hours taking all the applications back...& then not getting a single call-back...

I don't have a College Degree, & I don't have money for College, so I need a job.  A good job.  One that will finally let me move out.  I'm 25 1/2, for Pete's sake, & I'm still living at home!!!  I'm desperate, DESPERATE to move out!!!  I need a decent job, but I don't know what to look for!  I have nearly 6 years of experience in Retail, but I'd like to get out of that, & it doesn't pay that well, anyway.

I have no clue what kind of job I'm looking for---none!  I have absolutely no idea!  I'm so envious of those people who know what they want to do...who have something they're passionate about...  That would make it so much easier...  I heard a quote once:  "I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted paychecks."  It sounds kind of petty, but that's where I'm at!  As sad as it is, "Money makes the world go 'round."  I need money!  I'm willing to work for it!  Somebody hire me!

But how do I find a good job?  What do I look for?  Where do I look?  How do I look?!  I don't get it!  How am I supposed to do this?!  And the economy is t-e-r-r-i-b-l-e!  Getting any job is hard enough, let alone getting a good job!  And I see so many losers with jobs...numbskulls, douche-bags, knuckle-draggers, & all kinds of jerks from the bottom-rung of society...as my dad put it "How many rocks did they have to turn over to find these guys???"

I just...I dunno...I'm 25 1/2, still living at home, broke, itching for independence, & with no idea of how to get it...  

"Life's a bitch, then you die."

Emptiness

I've come to realize just how overly-dependent I am on other people for my own happiness...  Not that other people shouldn't affect your happiness--so many people look for happiness in all the wrong things, but I really believe that happiness is about other people.  But regardless of other people, there needs to be something something else...something within yourself...that your happiness is founded upon.

And you know what?  It just isn't there for me...  Something's missing...so many things are missing in my life...

Yeah, there are lots of superficial (but still good, & even important) things I'm missing--certain "accomplishments" or "achievements".  Things like a good job, moving out, a college degree, a girlfriend, & whatever else...  But the thing that really hits me (and hurts me) as missing is not those things themselves, but knowing how to get those things...

But it's so much more than accomplishments & achievements...it's much deeper things...things within myself...things I should have by now, but I don't...  Maturity, responsibility, courage...faith & trust, both in others, & in myself...self-respect, self-love...  I'm not saying I don't have any of those things, because I do.  But not nearly enough...not as much as I should...not as much as is healthy...

Someone once said "Only the way a man is when he is hidden is how he is."  I take a good, hard look at myself, & strip away everything about me that is dependent on other people, until there's nothing left but pure, authentic, simple me.  And you know what?  I don't like what I see...  I'm not saying that I'm a bad person, because I'm not.  But what I see is what's missing...  What I see is...emptiness...

Someone once said "If you're not happy with yourself, you will never be happy with someone else."  That really hits me, because it's so true, with all personal relationships...in romance, in friendship, in family...  I'm not happy with myself.  And contrary to what a lot of people say, happiness isn't merely a choice.  Sure, you can choose your outlook & attitude to go into things with, & you even have some control over your reactions to what happens in the world around you--but ultimately, the world around you has an incredibly vast effect on your feelings, beyond your control.

I have this incredible emptiness inside...and when I can't fill it from within, I try to fill it from without...  Which isn't inherently bad, but it never lasts...because it's completely dependent on other people.  I look at all the people in my life that matter to me...people from Dancing at Swing Club, the MAC, & the Downtown Stomp...people from Frisbee...people from Game Night...and my happiness is so completely tied to those events.  The Downtown Stomp was packed this last Friday, & I was so happy...  But the MAC was dead on Saturday...only 1 guy I knew, only 1 girl I knew, & I only got 1 dance...& it didn't just disappoint me about the evening...it brought me down into utter depression & despair...about life in general...

Sometimes...sometimes I feel like an Emotional Vampire...dead inside, & leeching off of other people what I need to survive...

I know a lot of my Blog-posts & Facebook-statuses (especially the last few) have been pretty down & depressing--I don't want anyone to think I'm feeling suicidal, because I'm not.  But I can't just sit here & tell myself that "everything will turn out right", because I don't know that it will.  Things completely hit the fan in life for lots of people, even with the best of attitudes.  And the deep things within yourself are so much harder to fix than all the outward things in life, superficial or serious.

Emptiness...this great void in the soul is probably the most devastating & perplexing problem the humankind has ever faced...  And just like with all the little superficial achievements & accomplishments, the worst part is not feeling empty--but not knowing how to fill that emptiness...

"Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the evil and the ugly in us, but our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is something that is not there."

Happiness

I looked back through all my old Blog-Posts...  For the first 4 months, I posted once a week.  Over the whole next year, I only posted 5 times.  I really meant to Blog more...  I guess I just wanted to make sure I had something significant to say---this isn't Twitter, after all...  But I guess more than anything, I just forget...  But I intend to remedy that.

At any rate...

Most of my childhood is quite a blur...so much went on, so much has happened since, & I was so young...  But one of my most vivid memories is from when I was about 4.  Life was so simple back then...  It was during the summer, on an incredibly warm day.  I was standing just inside the open front door, looking outside, enjoying the heat of the sun beating down on me.  There was an empty box of popsicles sitting on the chair next to me...

And there was this smell in the air...I don't know that it was a single, specific smell...probably more of a conglomeration of various smells...but there was something incredibly unique & memorable about it...  The human sense of smell bypasses the Thalamus, making it more directly connected to memory than the other senses.

But standing there in the sun, & smelling that smell, I just remember the feeling going through my mind that "Life is good...I'm happy in life..."  Within a few years things changed drastically in my life, especially emotionally.  But I never forgot that day, that smell, & that feeling...  Then when I was about 9 or so, one day in the late Spring, I smelled that incredible smell again...and then again when I was about 12...and both times the memory came rushing back like a tidal wave...  Ever since then I've longed & ached to smell that smell again...to remember so much more vividly than normally possible to remember what it was like to be happy in life...

I've never been happy in life since that day...so long ago...  I've had happy moments, & even happy times, of course.  But never any lasting period of happiness in my life...  I look back, & so much of my life I just don't remember...I think it's that way with most people, because so much of it is just day-to-day stuff that really didn't matter in the long run...  But when I think of the things I do remember, I have more disappointments & regrets than I do satisfactions...  And where I'm at in life right now gives me very, very few satisfactions...  There's just so much...missing...in my life...and in myself...and in the place where those things should be, all I find is that same lack of happiness...

"The Grand essentials of happiness are:  something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

Social Chaos

There's a genre of TV shows called "Dramedies", meaning Drama-Comedies---TV shows with a combination of both elements. They're sort of like Soap-Operas for the 21st Century. I don't watch much TV personally, but I've caught parts of various TV shows either while flipping through the channels, or while some members of my family have been watching them in the next room. Particularly certain popular Dramedies like "Desperate Housewives", "The Secret Life of the American Teenager", "Glee", & "Make It or Break It"... And I think they're all worthless drivel.

First of all, they're all filled with sex...underage sex, premarital sex, casual sex, affairs... But far beyond that, they're absolutely overflowing with other aspects of what I call "Social Chaos": Gossip, cheating, back-stabbing, betrayal, black-mail, plotting, stealing, lying, assault, murder...

Why is this supposed to be entertaining?!

It's bad enough that so much of society seems to find these things entertaining--but what's even worse is that fact that so many otherwise morally upright people (who openly disapprove of the previously described vices in real life) find these things entertaining! If these things are so terrible, why is it okay to watch actors portraying these things?! Interesting plot twists, good acting, & well-written humor hardly make iniquity acceptable...

But the worst part of all is how these TV shows normalize & even glamorize Social Chaos...especially to young people. Some will object, citing that "TV doesn't force kids to do anything bad." Well, you're right. But when something is commonly watched on TV, when it's seen as enjoyable to watch, when so many people talk as if it's normal, when so many people think it's normal, & when so many people do it as something normal (and when parents, of all people, hypocritically engage in any or all of these things) it becomes normal to society. And at some point, far too many people start seeing these "bad" & "forbidden" things as being things that parents, teachers, & religious leaders decry, but that should "really" be expected as perfectly normal things in life.

Well guess what? These things shouldn't be expected! These things aren't a normal part of life! This things are deplorable social vices that are corrupting society! These things certainly aren't a part of my life! And if that makes my life "boring", then good! Because I'm much better off without these things in my life! I've got enough regular problems in my life to deal with! I know I'm on a rant, but the...normalization...of these horrible, despicable vices simply appalls me... The more obvious problems of society are bad enough, but coupled with these ever-more-common iniquities...

I don't mean to sound so cliché, but my heart just aches and bleeds with sorrow for the sins of the world...

"And thus commandeth the Father that I should say unto you: At that day when the Gentiles shall sin against my gospel, and shall reject the fullness of my gospel, and shall be lifted up in the pride of their hearts above all nations, and above all the people of the whole earth, and shall be filled with all manner of lyings, and of deceits, and of mischiefs, and all manner of hypocrisy, and murders, and priestcrafts, and whoredoms, and of secret abominations; and if they shall do all those things, and shall reject the fullness of my gospel, behold, saith the Father, I will bring the fullness of my gospel from among them."

Damnation

The word "damn" is very interesting...  It comes from the same route as "dam", as in a beaver or hydroelectric dam.  It means "to halt something in it's progression".  Just as a concrete dam halts a river in it's progression downstream, sin halts us in our spiritual progression.  The various religious applications of this are interesting, but I'd like to use the term "damned" in a more worldly way...

I feel so unbelievably damned in life...my progression is so haulted...I'm so stuck in life...  I've been in a horrible rut before in life, for a long time...but not like this...  Before I was largely just slacking off...but now...I just don't know what to do...about anything...

I want to move out on my own so badly, but I don't have anywhere near the income to support myself!  So that comes to job-hunting...which is the biggest pain in all of creation...  And in this economy?  My GOSH!  And the thing is, I have a job---the trick is finding a better job!

So what about school?  I totally crashed out of school right around a year ago...I was unmotivated, overworked, rethinking my major...things just fell apart.  But as much as I hate school, I accept that I might have to go back & finish.  But the thing is (setting aside the fact the fact that I have no money for school), I have no idea what I would want to go into!  None!  Nada!  Zero!  Zip!  Zilch!  No idea whatsoever!  It's so frustrating...it's one of those things that, growing up, society told me that I'd just kind of "figure out" within the first few years after High School......hah.

Some have suggested that I just get some kind of "General Education" degree, or something relatively general & flexible like "Business" or "English" or whatever...  But there's no way in Hell I'd be able to endure the hell of 2 or 3 years of school when it's something I'm not at all motivated in...  And especially when I have no clue what I'd do with any such degree (let alone motivation for said unknown career).  I don't expect to know the exact job title & description of my future job at this point, but how am I expected to get somewhere if I don't have the slightest idea of what direction to go?

And what about girls?  See previous posts for my thoughts on girls & dating...  95% of the girls I want to ask out, I can't!  And dating is so insane...people have all kinds of screwed up ideas about dating...  I don't know where to start---I still don't even know the best way(s) to ask a girl out!  Here I am, 25 years old, & I feel like I have the dating skills of a 16-year-old...  What the HELL am I supposed to do?!

I just...I dunno...  I don't want anyone to think that I'm feeling suicidal, 'cause I'm not...  I'm just completely, ultimately, overwhelmingly stuck in life...and I don't even know where to begin......

"The damned that we number ourselves amongst were not meant for sleep.  Our lot is to whittle away hours, awake and brooding."

Update & This Year's Mood

I've fallen so far behind on my Blogging... When I first started out, I hoped to write a post every week. I know a lot of people say that, and never follow through, but I really felt like I had a lot to say... I did, really...I guess I just got a lot of it out pretty quickly... And all too often there's nothing "new" or "big" to report... Ah, well... At least I actually have something to post now :)

For starters, we got a new puppy around the start of April! :D Another Brittany Spaniel, like Cheetah (who's almost 10 1/2 now). The new puppy's name is Rosie (Alias "Rosie-O", Alias "Little One", Alias "El Destructo" ;)). She's about 6 months old now. And she's...different from Cheetah. Much more athletic, much more strong-willed, and so much more destructive...the amount of liberated pillow-stuffing from our deck furniture is appauling...;) Hopefully she'll grow out of it.

Travelling to Oregon this summer crapped out :( But my dad, my twin brother, & I went to Lake Powell a couple weeks ago! :D First time in 10 years! It was great to go there again... I just wish we could've explored more canyons & Anasazi ruins, & chased more lizards ;) Chasing the lizards is my oldest memory of Lake Powell...and of camping, period... I seriously considered catching one & bringing it home... Also my twin brother & I are going to Mysterium in Spokane next week! :D (What's the D'ni word for "Huzzah!"? ;))

But...

I still want to move out (down to Salt Lake ) so badly...I lose my parent's health insurance when I turn 25 in another 3 weeks...& I need a better-paying job, with benefits... But job-hunting is such masochistic torture...even moreso in this economy... I'm shooting for Costco, but if that craps out, what do I do???

And in the end...

I still miss so many people SO MUCH...especially girls...I miss so many girls...romantically & platonically... One in particular, that's almost always around, but I still miss her nonetheless... As for the others...I've made attempts to reach a lot of them, several times...but I haven't really gotten much of anything from them... I feel like I'm the only one putting anything into these friendships... And there's just no easy way to say "I want you to be a part of my life"...especially when you want more than just a friendship...especially when that isn't possible...

And so I'm left to my own thoughts...and broodings...the following of which I've carefully ordered...

"Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos."

--Charles M. Schulz

"For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul."

--Judy Garland

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over."

--Unknown

"Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."

--Robert Heinlein


"One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love someone else."

--Unknown


"It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel."

--Unknown


"The eternal quest of the individual human being is to shatter his loneliness."

--Norman Cousins


"Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious as to have friends at a distance; they make the latitudes and longitudes."

--Henry David Thoreau

"Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated."

--Alphonse de Lamartine

"I think about you constantly, whether it's with my mind or my heart."

--Albany Bach Reid


"I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you."

--Unknown


"Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color."

--W.S. Merwin, "Separation"


"Within you I lose myself...
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again."

--Unknown


"Days of absence, sad and dreary,
Clothed in sorrow's dark array,
Days of absence, I am weary;
She I love is far away."

--Jean-Jacques Rousseau


"What shall I do with all the days and hours
That must be counted ere I see thy face?
How shall I charm the interval that lowers
Between this time and that sweet time of grace?"

--Frances Anne Kemble


"Oft in the tranquil hour of night,
When stars illume the sky,
I gaze upon each orb of light,
And wish that thou wert by."

--George Linley

"If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden."

--Claudia Ghandi


"Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too."

--Unknown