Once again, it's been quite a while since I blogged...I just get busy w/the crazy randomness of life, & a lot of things just kind of get pushed onto the back burner... But I really want to keep blogging, & it's about time I discussed a subject I eluded to in my last blog-post: Dating.
Dating is...insane...on numerous levels... Where to begin, where to begin... I suppose my soap-box can be divided into 3 issues:
1- Unequal Gender-Roles
2- "Hanging" vs. "Going" Out
3- Casual True Love
1- Unequal Gender-Roles:
First off, our society clings far too much to archaic rituals & gender-roles... Centuries ago, the man was supposed to be "dominant", & the woman was supposed to be "subordinate". The man was expected to make all these outward manifistations to show that he could provide for her & be a good patriarch, or whatever... But in today's gender-equal world, those kind of ideas just cause problems...
The subject of money is a delicate issue... I'm not saying that "the girl should always pay for herself". Regardless of gender, the more an activity costs, the more the "askee" would expect the "asker" to pay for. But what it really comes down to is that money can become a problem when it comes between equals. It's like money coming between someone & their parents, in-laws, siblings, or friends. In the "guy always pays" world, we have the delicate balance of not wanting to seem "cheap", but not wanting to come off as trying to "buy the girl's affection"...it's a delicate issue...
But even beyond money, we cling to these unequal gender-roles, & turn dating into a horrible roller-coaster... Sometimes the roles even seem to flip, with the guy ending up putting the girl on a pedestal, as if it's only her approval of him that needs to be reached... Men and women are equals, people! Dating is supposed to be 2 people spending time as equals, exploring the possibility of becoming more than friends! It's as simple as that!
2- "Hanging" vs. "Going" Out:
I'll try not to repeat too much of what I said in my 2 early posts titled"Girl Drama"...
Our society seems to take dating far too casually. We horribly blurr the lines between Dating and Friendship. I realize that those two things are far from completely different, but they're not the same thing! It's to the point where (outside of asking out a total stranger, a girl w/a boyfriend, etc.) I just about can't imagine a girl turning me down for a first date. That's not a good thing! If a guy asks a girl out, she seems to think "Oh, he's a nice guy, of course I'll go out with him." A guy wouldn't ask you out if he wasn't sure you thought he was a nice guy! The question is, do you LIKE him?!
When I ask a girl out, it's because I like her! I'm attracted to her! I feel some amount of affection or romantic feelings for her! That doesn't mean I'm anywhere near ready to get into a relationship! It just means that I'm interested! I see the possibility of us becoming more than friends, & I'd like to explore that possibility! I think a guy should be able to say "Do you want to hang out sometime?", & have the girl know that he's just interested in friendship; and for a guy be able to say "Do you want to go out sometime?", & have the girl know that he's interested in more than friendship. But our society has made dating so unbelievably casual, that being straight-forward is interpreted as being...just plain forward... It's become a crime to show interest in someone! Unless, of course, they like you at least as much as you like them...but that just takes us back to the High School mentalitly of dating...
3- Casual True Love:
It isn't just dating that our culture has come to look at so casually...even ideas of relationships and love have been...cheapened... I'm not talking about people who will sleep w/someone at the drop of a hat. I'm talking about normal, everyday, good people, who actually want to find true love. They go through the whole dating process, and even get into relationships, seemingly as "dating" is supposed to go.
But I see people go out only 2 or 3 times, & then suddenly they're in an exclusive relationship! I'm not saying that it can't happen that quickly. Heck, I have an uncle who proposed to my aunt like 3 days after they met, & they've been married for like 40 years, have 7 kids, at least that many grand-kids... But the vast majority of the time, love doesn't happen that quickly. I see people go out 2 or 3 times, get into an exclusive relationship, and then 2 or 3 months later, it's over. And you know what? I'm never that surprised...
I know that far too many people in this world have some screwed-up ideas about love... Some people think that it's the same feeling as attraction & infatuation, only more. It's certainly stronger than that, but it's something inherently different...inherently deeper. And then Disney & Hollywood have told us that love is this larger-than-life, unrealistic thing that totally changes who you are, gives you unlimited strength & patience, & creates this instant "happily-ever-after". Real, true love isn't like that. It takes work.
But no matter how different love is from the cliché we've been taught to believe, I still believe that real, true love is something incredibly special & precious! It's not something that you get rid of at the drop of a hat, or "throw away like a used tissue" as a friend of mine once described it. Real, true love is something that should last! Now I know that for all kinds of reasons, sometimes things just don't work out. But to me, if most of your relationships only last a few months, it means you're doing something wrong! Whether that's being selfish, jealous, or possessive...whether you're taking your partner for granted, or going for the wrong kind of person every time...or even if it's just looking at love & relationships too casually...something's not right.
What I've really come to see is that society (whether consciously or unconsciously) seems to make a distinction between Serious Exclusive Relationships & Casual Exclusive Relationships. I reject ALL notions of a Casual Exclusive Relationship. I look at the very notion with utter distain... Some may ask, "What's wrong with that?" To me it horribly cheapens relationships, the words "I love you", and the very concept of True Love. An old saying says "When you give your heart away, you give it away for good." That doesn't have to mean that you can only truely love once, but it should mean that real, true love is NOT something casual! To me, there's a huge difference between the concepts of "I love you" and "I really, really, really like you."
It's not my place to judge any one person. I don't know all the details of anyone's relationships. But if you're dating someone, whether exclusively or not, I would ask you: Where do you see this going? I'm not saying that you should only date, or only get into a relationship with, someone if you're ready to marry them, but why would you let yourself get emotionally attatched to someone if you thought or knew that it would end?! I don't know what my future holds---I don't know who I'll marry, or when I'll marry, & I'm certainly not going to be ready for it anytime in the near future. But I will never say the words "I love you" and get into an exclusive relationship unless I really think that the relationship will last long-term. At any point in the process---whether it's the first meeting, getting to know them as friends, dating, or in a relationship---if I knew that it wouldn't work out in the long run, I wouldn't take things any further as more than friends. I don't want to go through any more heartache than I have to, & for all I know, "the one" (which term I use loosely) might be "just around the corner".
In the movie "National Treasure", the characters Ben & Abigail had this conversation:
Ben: "My father thinks I've been a little too cavalier in my personal life."
Abigail: "I see."
Ben: "Let me ask you something. Have you ever told someone, not a relative, 'I love you'?"
Abigail: "Yes."
Ben: "More than one someone?"
Abigail: "Yes."
Ben: "Well, then my father says you've been a little too cavalier in your personal life too."
I think that that's rather harsh...like I said for all kinds of reasons, sometimes things just don't work out. So I'm not going to give any kind of numbers or limits on how many people you've loved or been in an exclusive relationship with. But ideally, I think we should all aim for the lowest number possible! What it all comes down to is this: I really think that most people ultimately want to find "the one". Not that there's only one person any of us could ever be with, but that most of us want to find someone that we could be happy with for the rest of our lives. So if that's what most people actually want in the long-term, why are so many people willing to settle for less in the short-term???
I'm not looking for Lust. I'm looking for Love. Real, actual, affectionate, deep, meaningful, lasting, True Love. I fully believe it exists. That's what I'm looking for when I ask girls out, but it's not something I want to rush into. Why does it seem that virtually everyone around me are looking for something cheaper, & are willing to give their hearts away in a heartbeat? Maybe some people are fine with that. But then they have NO reason to complain when that's all they find. Maybe some people think that I'm taking things way too seriously. But I believe that True Love DESERVES to be taken that seriously.
"When the one man loves the one woman and the one woman loves the one man, the very angels desert heaven and come and sit in the house and sing for joy."
