There's a Blog called "But You Don't Look Sick", written by a woman with Lupus. She uses it as a medium to spread awareness of what it's like for people with a chronic illness. Probably her most famous post is called "The Spoon Theory":
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
I highly recommend reading the entire post. But in short, to explain to her best friend what it's really like to have a chronic illness, she grabbed a bunch of spoons from off the table, handed them to her friend, & said that it's like having a finite number of "spoons" that you have to give up bit by bit through the day. Most people have a seemingly limitless number of spoons, but for those with a chronic illness, there's a set number. Everyday tasks are more difficult, & at some point you have to give up on doing some things so that you'll have enough "spoons" to do the more important things.
It's a really powerful analogy. It also struck me as being a really good analogy for depression, or even for anyone's everyday emotional needs & costs. But I don't want to hijack the analogy. And I don't want to marginalize chronic illness---because chronic illness brings both physical and emotional pain & distress. And there's more perspective I could give using a different analogy. So for depression & emotions, I'm going to use the analogy of "Emotional Currency":
Every day, each of us wakes up with a bag of coins, which we use throughout the day whenever we "spend" our emotional energy on anything. It "costs" coins to do tedious, boring, or aggrevating chores. It "costs" coins to deal with stressful interactions with family, co-workers, customers, or other people. It "costs" coins to have to deal with lousy traffic, crazy pets, illness, bad weather, or anything else you can think of that takes an emotional toll on you, big or small.
Most of the time, most of us start the day with a nice-sized bag of shiny gold coins, that tends to be enough to get us through the day, even if we don't end up with whole lot of coins by bedtime. But sometimes things don't go so smoothly. Sometimes you find yourself having to spend a whole lot more coins than normal. Sometimes more stresses, more frustrations, or more negative factors suddenly means you have a lot more emotional "errands" to run that day, leaving you with fewer coins at the end of the day than normal...
Sometimes you get the normal "amount" of stresses, but they're a lot more stressful, a lot more frustrating, or a lot more difficult---it's like the price has gone up, & you have to spend a lot more to get the same result. Sometimes nothing external is different, but suddenly your ability to put emotional energy into things has been diminished---it's like inflation has happened, or like your currency has been devalued, & instead of shiny gold coins, you've got a bag of less-shiny silver coins, or even dull copper ones.
And you don't always start out with the same amount of coins each day. One day you might wake up with 2 bags' worth of coins---or only half a bag's worth of coins. This can be affected by the previous day or days. If things have been going well---if you've been "investing" your emotional currency well, & been getting good returns---you find yourself with a lot more than you had before. If this happens very often, you can start "saving up for the future".
But if things go badly---if you invest poorly, if you waste your previous profits, if prices go up, or if inflation or devaluing happens, suddenly you have a lot fewer coins to get through the day with. Sometimes you can "take out a loan", borrowing money from the next day or two, to get yourself through today---but that just means that, barring any sudden & unexpected gains, you'll just have that much less to spend tomorrow. And sometimes you even get emotionally mugged. A sudden, huge, horrible circumstance comes out of nowhere & forces you to deal with it---forces you to give up a giant handful of coins to get through it safely. And you find yourself suddenly much poorer than you were before, for no good reason...
Now, imagine what it's like for somone who suffers from chronic depression. Whether it's medical "clinical depression" that can be medicated, someone who's life is a complete disaster, or even just someone who, for whatever reason or reasons, is constatly finding themselves down & discouraged, it all ends up pretty much the same. All those lousy circumstances I just described? For depressed people, it's like that all the time. All the time. People like that rarely go about their day of "spending" normally. They often don't wake up with a full bag of coins. Or they often don't have gold coins. Or they often find the prices are always higher for them. Everything is harder. And it's often not ever clear why, even to them. It's just harder.
Positive thinking can only taking you so far. Telling people to "cheer up" or that "things will get better" is like saying "money isn't everything" or "you'll find a better job soon". They may be true, but that's hardly the point. It doesn't affect how things are now. And there's no guarantee of progress or improvement. Things don't just magically get better---things have to be done to change circumstances. And when your efforts aren't working, the though of things never improving is one of the most discouraging things imaginable...
And it feels worse when things seem to be going well for so many people around them. It's especially worse when people make a point of saying how amazing things are going for them. When people go on about "I'm loving life, things are going so great, life is amazing...", those who suffer from depression are thinking "That's really great for you, but you know what? Quit bragging...some of us aren't so lucky..." It's like someone is going on about "My business is going so well, I'm getting all kinds of sales, I'm making so much money, & I get to buy all these cool, fancy things, it's awesome!" That's really great for you, but you know what? Quit bragging...some of us aren't so lucky...
Some people aren't even "getting by", emotionally. Some people are constantly finding themself short on coins. Some people have to spend so much, & get so few results. Some people have dig to the bottom of their bag to find coins to pay for things. Sometimes only halfway through the day, they find themselves near-broke, desperately clinging to their last coin, absolutely terrified that someone will ask or force them to give it up before they get their bag refilled the next day. And once they're out of coins, the next "cost" they're forced to deal with is the breaking point. They can't afford it. No matter how much they need it, they can't buy it. All they can do is break down, collapse, melt...and that will definately severely affect either their starting amount or value the next day, or the prices the next day...or both...
Some people just can't catch a break with emotional currency. Whatever the reason they're depressed, everything is harder & more taxing. They're constantly finding themselves short on coins. They're constantly having to let things (even important things) fall by the wayside, so they can spend their coins on the most important things---which is often simple emotional survival. And helping them is tricky to do. You very often can't just offer them some of your coins---no one wants anyone's pity...no one wants to be anyone's charity-case...it just makes them feel pathetic & incapable... You can't give them your coins, & you can't spend your coins for them.
One option is that you can spend your coins on them. Those who are constantly strapped for coins understand best how much it means when someone chooses to spend their coins on them instead of on something else. Another option is to help them spend or invest their coins well. Help them make sure that the things they're spending their energy on don't end up wasted---or end up draining them of even more coins... Sometimes the best thing to do is simply understand when they can't spend coins on things with the rest of you---understand when people don't have the emotional currency to deal with something right now. But never just "accept" that someone is simply emotionally "poorer" than you, & that "that's just the way it is". Because that doesn't do anyone any good...
"That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key."
Monday, October 7, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Balance of Life
I've been thinking lately about all the elements of our lives that we struggle to deal with. We have all kinds of issues, all kinds of aspects of our selves, our homes, our jobs, our families & friends, & every other part of our lives, that we have to find some way of coordinating with all the others. In the end, it's about balancing all the elements of our lives with each other. I've seen it illustrated as a pie-chart, with 5 equal pieces:
Spiritual, Intellectual, Social, Emotional, & Physical.
(Some people describe a 6 or 7-part pie-chart, with Occupational &/or Environmental added on, but I think those can be folded into Intellectual & Physical respectively.)
There's no proper order to the 5 areas---they're all equally important aspects of lives in their own ways. And it's important that we fulfill each of those areas in our lives. If you're lacking or overextending yourself in any of those areas, your life is going to be out of balance. Things aren't going to be completely "going well"---you're going to feel like you're missing something, or aren't completely content or fulfilled in life. And if things are out of balance enough, you're going to feel very stressed & unhappy.
But I recently looked at this idea of "balance" more literally. Instead of a pie-chart, think of a set of balance-scales, with shallow dishes hanging off of a central point. But instead of a standard 2-part scale, think of a 5-part scale---5 shallow dishes, each hanging off of the ends of a 5-branched star, with the center balanced on the end of a central point.
Each of us fills these 5 dishes with marbles---the various elements of our daily lives. It's vitally important to keep the 5 areas in balance---if you put too many (or not enough) marbles in any given dish or dishes, it's going to unbalance the entire set of scales too far in one direction. If it's unbalanced enough, marbles are going to start dumping out of at least one of the dishes. We can only handle so many things (especially when other areas of our lives are lacking), & ultimately the things we can't handle will just fall by the wayside.
But if the imbalance is extreme or sudden enough, it can have outright volatile results. If you suddenly add a bunch of marbles, remove a bunch of marbles, or too many marbles dump out from an imbalance, the entire scale swifly shifts in the other direction, sending all the marbles into motion, rolling & moving around, & likely dumping out randomly & unstably in who knows what direction. You've quite literally "lost your marbles". When things get too far unbalanced, it can send your life into chaos, & suddenly you can handle very little until you get the bare necessities under control.
But there's another way of looking at things to consider---we can't always just "add marbles" by making efforts in each of the 5 areas. Sometimes we put in lots of effort, & it doesn't amount to much. Sometimes we're going about it the wrong way, sometimes we're doing things at the wrong time or in the wrong place, sometimes things just take a while to take effect, etc. Sometimes we don't know how to add more marbles to a particular area. And sometimes we need other people to add marbles for us.
Sometimes, no matter how much we want to add marbles to any given dish or dishes, it just doesn't happen. And when any dish is empty or close thereto, you can only add a few marbles into any of the other dishes before it sets things out of balance. No matter how much you want or need to increase the quality & content of any area of your life, you're not going to be able to take on or handle more than just a little if you're severely lacking in any one area.
Every one of us needs to "take stock of our lives" on a regular basis, looking at how we're doing at fulfilling & maintaining the balance in our lives. We need to learn how to recognize when we're lacking, how to change it, & when we're taking on too much. We also need to learn to reach out to others---when we can't figure out how to keep our lives in balance, & when we need others to help. And each of us needs to be willing to help others in balancing their lives---whether in simple support, suggestions, or advice, or in directly adding to their balance where they can't do it themselves.
If you keep your life in balance, it's amazing how much you can handle---just as an actual set of scales is limited only by it's own breaking-strength, a well-balanced life is limited only by time. When you stay in balance, you can lead an incredibly rich & fulfilling life. But when you're out of balance, your life can be surprisingly barren... So what are you doing to keep your own life in balance, & help balance the lives of the people you care about?
"Happiness is not a matter of intensity, but of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony."
Spiritual, Intellectual, Social, Emotional, & Physical.
(Some people describe a 6 or 7-part pie-chart, with Occupational &/or Environmental added on, but I think those can be folded into Intellectual & Physical respectively.)
There's no proper order to the 5 areas---they're all equally important aspects of lives in their own ways. And it's important that we fulfill each of those areas in our lives. If you're lacking or overextending yourself in any of those areas, your life is going to be out of balance. Things aren't going to be completely "going well"---you're going to feel like you're missing something, or aren't completely content or fulfilled in life. And if things are out of balance enough, you're going to feel very stressed & unhappy.
But I recently looked at this idea of "balance" more literally. Instead of a pie-chart, think of a set of balance-scales, with shallow dishes hanging off of a central point. But instead of a standard 2-part scale, think of a 5-part scale---5 shallow dishes, each hanging off of the ends of a 5-branched star, with the center balanced on the end of a central point.
Each of us fills these 5 dishes with marbles---the various elements of our daily lives. It's vitally important to keep the 5 areas in balance---if you put too many (or not enough) marbles in any given dish or dishes, it's going to unbalance the entire set of scales too far in one direction. If it's unbalanced enough, marbles are going to start dumping out of at least one of the dishes. We can only handle so many things (especially when other areas of our lives are lacking), & ultimately the things we can't handle will just fall by the wayside.
But if the imbalance is extreme or sudden enough, it can have outright volatile results. If you suddenly add a bunch of marbles, remove a bunch of marbles, or too many marbles dump out from an imbalance, the entire scale swifly shifts in the other direction, sending all the marbles into motion, rolling & moving around, & likely dumping out randomly & unstably in who knows what direction. You've quite literally "lost your marbles". When things get too far unbalanced, it can send your life into chaos, & suddenly you can handle very little until you get the bare necessities under control.
But there's another way of looking at things to consider---we can't always just "add marbles" by making efforts in each of the 5 areas. Sometimes we put in lots of effort, & it doesn't amount to much. Sometimes we're going about it the wrong way, sometimes we're doing things at the wrong time or in the wrong place, sometimes things just take a while to take effect, etc. Sometimes we don't know how to add more marbles to a particular area. And sometimes we need other people to add marbles for us.
Sometimes, no matter how much we want to add marbles to any given dish or dishes, it just doesn't happen. And when any dish is empty or close thereto, you can only add a few marbles into any of the other dishes before it sets things out of balance. No matter how much you want or need to increase the quality & content of any area of your life, you're not going to be able to take on or handle more than just a little if you're severely lacking in any one area.
Every one of us needs to "take stock of our lives" on a regular basis, looking at how we're doing at fulfilling & maintaining the balance in our lives. We need to learn how to recognize when we're lacking, how to change it, & when we're taking on too much. We also need to learn to reach out to others---when we can't figure out how to keep our lives in balance, & when we need others to help. And each of us needs to be willing to help others in balancing their lives---whether in simple support, suggestions, or advice, or in directly adding to their balance where they can't do it themselves.
If you keep your life in balance, it's amazing how much you can handle---just as an actual set of scales is limited only by it's own breaking-strength, a well-balanced life is limited only by time. When you stay in balance, you can lead an incredibly rich & fulfilling life. But when you're out of balance, your life can be surprisingly barren... So what are you doing to keep your own life in balance, & help balance the lives of the people you care about?
"Happiness is not a matter of intensity, but of balance, order, rhythm, and harmony."
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Caring for Introverts
This past summer, I wrote an important Blog-post called "Introverts & Extroverts". This post is a follow-up to that---I hope to expand on what I said, & give further insight into how to interact with introverts.
In that Blog-post, I posted a link to an article titled "10 Myths About Introverts". Read it. Then read it again. And again. Memorize the things it talks about. And not just the 10 main points---the extrapolatory paragraphs are absolutely filled with little treasures about introverts' thoughts, feelings, & behaviors. It's an amazing article. Later in that Blog-post, I posted another link to an image titled "How to Care for Introverts". It's also incredibly insightful---and incredibly simple.
I've seen people post links to a similar image titled "How to Care for Extroverts". I don't disagree with the points that image makes, but I do not put much thought into them---because comparatively, extroverts don't need much caring for. They're quite capable of caring for themselves, and for each other. And even when they're not being cared for, they're much more capable of dealing with it than introverts are. We live in an extrovert-friendly, introvert-unfriendly society, and not nearly enough extroverts understand that.
So here are some more of my thoughts on caring for introverts:
As introverts, we have a comfort-zone of interactions & activities, & a bubble of personal-space. It's not that we never want to come out of our comfort-zone, or that we never want to let anyone into our bubble---but we don't want do be dragged out of our comfort-zone, or have our bubble invaded. Essentially, what we want is for people to knock on the door, wait for us to respond, & then politely ask if we'd like to come out or if they can come in. And you know what? Sometimes the answer is "no". But that rarely means "never"---it ususally means "not right now".
When it comes to our comfort-zone of interactions & activities, sometimes we need to sit by the fence & watch for a while before we feel comfortable coming out. And even then, sometimes we only feel like coming a little ways out, so we can jump right back into our comfort-zone as soon as we start feeling uncomfortable. Let us do this, & we'll slowly get more & more comfortable, & be more willing to start coming further out of our comfort-zone, & for longer periods of time. But rush us, or try to push us into something we're not comfortable with, & it's not going to happen---& it'll only delay our willingness to try again.
When it comes to our bubble of personal-space, we need to feel comfortable with someone as a person before we're willing to let them into our bubble. We need to spend time in close proximity with them on a regular basis. And even once we're willing to let them in, it's not an "all or nothing" deal. Start with simple things like a handshake, a high-five, or a fist-bump (as silly & superficial as those might seem). From there, things like a pat on the back or a quick shoulder-side-hug. And so on. But rush us, or try to push us into accepting too much physical contact (or even just too close a proximity), & you'll make us incredibly uncomfortable---& it'll only make us far more hesitant to allow it in the future.
But the final (& possibly most important) thing to understand regarding interactions with introverts---whether physical, conversational, or activity-wise--- is that you have to ask. You have to try. You have to make the effort. You can't expect the introverts to do it all. We set the tone & pace of things, yes, but we still need to know that the extroverts want those interactions with us. As I said in my previous Blog-post, "How can you expect an introvert to do something if the extroverts don't seem willing to do it?" Don't be constantly trying to pressure us into things, but if you don't even offer, we certainly won't.
"Introvert conversations are like jazz, where each player gets to solo for a nice stretch before the other player comes in and does his solo. And like jazz, once we get going, we can play all night. Extrovert conversations are more like tennis matches, where thoughts are batted back and forth, and players need to be ready to respond. Introverts get winded pretty quickly."
In that Blog-post, I posted a link to an article titled "10 Myths About Introverts". Read it. Then read it again. And again. Memorize the things it talks about. And not just the 10 main points---the extrapolatory paragraphs are absolutely filled with little treasures about introverts' thoughts, feelings, & behaviors. It's an amazing article. Later in that Blog-post, I posted another link to an image titled "How to Care for Introverts". It's also incredibly insightful---and incredibly simple.
I've seen people post links to a similar image titled "How to Care for Extroverts". I don't disagree with the points that image makes, but I do not put much thought into them---because comparatively, extroverts don't need much caring for. They're quite capable of caring for themselves, and for each other. And even when they're not being cared for, they're much more capable of dealing with it than introverts are. We live in an extrovert-friendly, introvert-unfriendly society, and not nearly enough extroverts understand that.
So here are some more of my thoughts on caring for introverts:
As introverts, we have a comfort-zone of interactions & activities, & a bubble of personal-space. It's not that we never want to come out of our comfort-zone, or that we never want to let anyone into our bubble---but we don't want do be dragged out of our comfort-zone, or have our bubble invaded. Essentially, what we want is for people to knock on the door, wait for us to respond, & then politely ask if we'd like to come out or if they can come in. And you know what? Sometimes the answer is "no". But that rarely means "never"---it ususally means "not right now".
When it comes to our comfort-zone of interactions & activities, sometimes we need to sit by the fence & watch for a while before we feel comfortable coming out. And even then, sometimes we only feel like coming a little ways out, so we can jump right back into our comfort-zone as soon as we start feeling uncomfortable. Let us do this, & we'll slowly get more & more comfortable, & be more willing to start coming further out of our comfort-zone, & for longer periods of time. But rush us, or try to push us into something we're not comfortable with, & it's not going to happen---& it'll only delay our willingness to try again.
When it comes to our bubble of personal-space, we need to feel comfortable with someone as a person before we're willing to let them into our bubble. We need to spend time in close proximity with them on a regular basis. And even once we're willing to let them in, it's not an "all or nothing" deal. Start with simple things like a handshake, a high-five, or a fist-bump (as silly & superficial as those might seem). From there, things like a pat on the back or a quick shoulder-side-hug. And so on. But rush us, or try to push us into accepting too much physical contact (or even just too close a proximity), & you'll make us incredibly uncomfortable---& it'll only make us far more hesitant to allow it in the future.
But the final (& possibly most important) thing to understand regarding interactions with introverts---whether physical, conversational, or activity-wise--- is that you have to ask. You have to try. You have to make the effort. You can't expect the introverts to do it all. We set the tone & pace of things, yes, but we still need to know that the extroverts want those interactions with us. As I said in my previous Blog-post, "How can you expect an introvert to do something if the extroverts don't seem willing to do it?" Don't be constantly trying to pressure us into things, but if you don't even offer, we certainly won't.
"Introvert conversations are like jazz, where each player gets to solo for a nice stretch before the other player comes in and does his solo. And like jazz, once we get going, we can play all night. Extrovert conversations are more like tennis matches, where thoughts are batted back and forth, and players need to be ready to respond. Introverts get winded pretty quickly."
Monday, March 25, 2013
The "Choice" of Happiness
Few things make my blood boil more than hearing people say that "happiness is a choice". We certainly have a great deal of influence over our own happiness, but there's a lot more to it than that, & I'd like to explain why.
First off, I fully concede that you can't be happy without a positive attitude. Those who are pessimistic at heart will always find something to complain about---there is, after all, an endless supply of faults & sorrow in this world. You'll never be able to rise above all the negative without being able to think positive.
Second, I don't want to get into an esoteric, philosophical discussion of what happiness "is". We all have moments of happiness, but while uninterupted bliss is completely unrealistic, there are those who are truly happy in life as a whole---they're in a place where most things are going fairly well, & they have enough good in their lives to outweigh & overcome the bad.
But you can't just "decide" to be happy, & then you'll just be happy. Do you think Christ was happy while suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane & on the Cross? Do you think Job was happy after having lost his home, possessions, family, health, & nearly his life? Do you think they could have been happy during those times? Those may be extreme examples, but they're perfectly valid. There are circumstances in this world that you can prevent you from being happy, at least for a time.
Here are a number of situations that can prevent happiness in one's life: You can't be happy if you're suffering from actual, full-blown depression. You can't be happy if you're in severe, constant pain. You can't be happy if you're not living righteously. You can't be happy if you don't have close, emotional relationships with others. You can't be happy if you don't have structure, purpose, & direction in life. And many other things...
It's important to point out that we all have the power to act---to do things to change the negative circumstances in our lives, to enable ourselves to be happy. But happiness can't just be dispensed at the push of a button by "deciding" do be happy. We have control over many circumstances that affect our emotions, but when we're feeling an emotion, in that moment, we have no control over feeling that way. We can control how we react to our emotions, & in the long term that can affect our future emotions---but in the moment, you can't control how you feel.
Most immediately, everyone needs to understand that sometimes we need to not be happy. When something really bad happens to us, when someone close to us dies, or when we suffer some great loss or pain, we feel very unhappy---and we need to feel that unhappiness. We can't just ignore emotions we don't want to feel (which is the subject of another upcoming Blog-post...). Even the Bible agrees with this: "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven . . . A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;" ---Ecclesiastes 3:1&4. We shouldn't unduly dwell on sadness, but to repress or suppress feelings of unhappiness when they come upon us is incredibly emotionally unhealthy, & even damaging. We need to rise above unhappiness, but we need to go through it first.
And often that takes time. You can't just have a "good cry" for a few minutes, hours, or days just to "get it out of your system". Every situation, & every person, is different---we all have to deal with sadness, depression, & unhappiness in our own way, & in our own time. Some people are capable of doing it fairly quickly---good for them. But others aren't so lucky. And it's not always because they're "not handling it well". Don't judge someone's emotional state when you aren't them, & when you don't know what they've gone through or are going through now.
But the thing I want to stress the most is the message you send someone when you tell them that "happiness is a choice": No matter what horrible circumstances they're in, no matter what terrible pain they're going through, no matter how much they don't want to feel as unhappy as they are, you're telling them that their unhappiness is completely their own fault. How do you think THAT makes them feel??? It only makes them feel worse---you're shaming them into thinking that all the emotional pain they're going through means nothing, & that they are solely to blame. That's why it makes me so angry to hear people say that "happiness is a choice". Few things hurt so deeply to hear for those who are unhappy.
We have control over our attitudes, & we should adopt a positive one. We have control over our actions, & how we thereby react to our emotions & situations. But to tell an unhappy person that "happiness is a choice" is nothing less than to spit in their face! So when someone you care about is really going through something, instead of coldly dismissing their pain, show them some real empathy & support. And most of all, do what you can (as far as they're comfortable with) to help them go through their pain---because few things are as terrible as not only being miserable, but being alone in your misery.
"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."
First off, I fully concede that you can't be happy without a positive attitude. Those who are pessimistic at heart will always find something to complain about---there is, after all, an endless supply of faults & sorrow in this world. You'll never be able to rise above all the negative without being able to think positive.
Second, I don't want to get into an esoteric, philosophical discussion of what happiness "is". We all have moments of happiness, but while uninterupted bliss is completely unrealistic, there are those who are truly happy in life as a whole---they're in a place where most things are going fairly well, & they have enough good in their lives to outweigh & overcome the bad.
But you can't just "decide" to be happy, & then you'll just be happy. Do you think Christ was happy while suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane & on the Cross? Do you think Job was happy after having lost his home, possessions, family, health, & nearly his life? Do you think they could have been happy during those times? Those may be extreme examples, but they're perfectly valid. There are circumstances in this world that you can prevent you from being happy, at least for a time.
Here are a number of situations that can prevent happiness in one's life: You can't be happy if you're suffering from actual, full-blown depression. You can't be happy if you're in severe, constant pain. You can't be happy if you're not living righteously. You can't be happy if you don't have close, emotional relationships with others. You can't be happy if you don't have structure, purpose, & direction in life. And many other things...
It's important to point out that we all have the power to act---to do things to change the negative circumstances in our lives, to enable ourselves to be happy. But happiness can't just be dispensed at the push of a button by "deciding" do be happy. We have control over many circumstances that affect our emotions, but when we're feeling an emotion, in that moment, we have no control over feeling that way. We can control how we react to our emotions, & in the long term that can affect our future emotions---but in the moment, you can't control how you feel.
Most immediately, everyone needs to understand that sometimes we need to not be happy. When something really bad happens to us, when someone close to us dies, or when we suffer some great loss or pain, we feel very unhappy---and we need to feel that unhappiness. We can't just ignore emotions we don't want to feel (which is the subject of another upcoming Blog-post...). Even the Bible agrees with this: "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven . . . A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;" ---Ecclesiastes 3:1&4. We shouldn't unduly dwell on sadness, but to repress or suppress feelings of unhappiness when they come upon us is incredibly emotionally unhealthy, & even damaging. We need to rise above unhappiness, but we need to go through it first.
And often that takes time. You can't just have a "good cry" for a few minutes, hours, or days just to "get it out of your system". Every situation, & every person, is different---we all have to deal with sadness, depression, & unhappiness in our own way, & in our own time. Some people are capable of doing it fairly quickly---good for them. But others aren't so lucky. And it's not always because they're "not handling it well". Don't judge someone's emotional state when you aren't them, & when you don't know what they've gone through or are going through now.
But the thing I want to stress the most is the message you send someone when you tell them that "happiness is a choice": No matter what horrible circumstances they're in, no matter what terrible pain they're going through, no matter how much they don't want to feel as unhappy as they are, you're telling them that their unhappiness is completely their own fault. How do you think THAT makes them feel??? It only makes them feel worse---you're shaming them into thinking that all the emotional pain they're going through means nothing, & that they are solely to blame. That's why it makes me so angry to hear people say that "happiness is a choice". Few things hurt so deeply to hear for those who are unhappy.
We have control over our attitudes, & we should adopt a positive one. We have control over our actions, & how we thereby react to our emotions & situations. But to tell an unhappy person that "happiness is a choice" is nothing less than to spit in their face! So when someone you care about is really going through something, instead of coldly dismissing their pain, show them some real empathy & support. And most of all, do what you can (as far as they're comfortable with) to help them go through their pain---because few things are as terrible as not only being miserable, but being alone in your misery.
"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Who Reads My Blog? You Should Read My Blog.
Who reads my Blog? You should read my Blog.
I haven't gotten any comments on my posts in quite a while. I guess it doesn't help that I don't post very often, or at predictable times or invervals. But this Blog is actually pretty important to me---it's a venue to get some things out of my system that I otherwise usually can't. I posted incredibly frequently early on (once a week for 4 months!), then got really bad...I just keep forgetting... But I've been improving. And I do have a number of ideas for posts, including several important ones that I intend to do very soon.
My Blog is kind of interesting... A handful of posts are about random things that aren't all that important in retrospect. A handful are kind of emo...I guess I just needed to vent at the time... And a handful are about girls---some may think some of those posts to be somewhat harsh or angry, but I stand by them (& my latest experience in dating only serves to strengthen those views...).
But in the end, about half of my Blog-posts are things I feel very strongly about, & I feel are really a good read---if nothing else, for people to understand me better. In particular, 3 of my more "recent" posts (from this past Spring & Summer) are 3 of the most important posts I've ever done...
I fully intend to post more frequently in the future, & I'd really appreciate it if people would give me feedback---whether in the Blog's official Comments section, on the Facebook post where I announce each new Blog-post, or in private.
I'm not overly careful of who I let see my Blog-posts. First of all, as someone once said, "If you want something to stay private, don't put it on the Internet." ;) And second, there's plenty of people that I just don't expect to care enough to read my Blog (there's plenty of people that I know, that I like well enough & all, but I'm just not close enough to them to care enough to read theirs...).
But if you value me as anything more than a casual friend, you should read my Blog. Really.
"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."
I haven't gotten any comments on my posts in quite a while. I guess it doesn't help that I don't post very often, or at predictable times or invervals. But this Blog is actually pretty important to me---it's a venue to get some things out of my system that I otherwise usually can't. I posted incredibly frequently early on (once a week for 4 months!), then got really bad...I just keep forgetting... But I've been improving. And I do have a number of ideas for posts, including several important ones that I intend to do very soon.
My Blog is kind of interesting... A handful of posts are about random things that aren't all that important in retrospect. A handful are kind of emo...I guess I just needed to vent at the time... And a handful are about girls---some may think some of those posts to be somewhat harsh or angry, but I stand by them (& my latest experience in dating only serves to strengthen those views...).
But in the end, about half of my Blog-posts are things I feel very strongly about, & I feel are really a good read---if nothing else, for people to understand me better. In particular, 3 of my more "recent" posts (from this past Spring & Summer) are 3 of the most important posts I've ever done...
I fully intend to post more frequently in the future, & I'd really appreciate it if people would give me feedback---whether in the Blog's official Comments section, on the Facebook post where I announce each new Blog-post, or in private.
I'm not overly careful of who I let see my Blog-posts. First of all, as someone once said, "If you want something to stay private, don't put it on the Internet." ;) And second, there's plenty of people that I just don't expect to care enough to read my Blog (there's plenty of people that I know, that I like well enough & all, but I'm just not close enough to them to care enough to read theirs...).
But if you value me as anything more than a casual friend, you should read my Blog. Really.
"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."
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