Time of My Life

Ever since I can remember, people have always told me that this (whenever that was) was the "time of my life". That I should be "living it up" and enjoying life because it was "my time". But no matter what age I was, people always told me that. Your entire life can't be the "time of your life". Yeah, life should be enjoyed all around, but the idea of there being a "time of your life" suggests that one particular part of you life is "your time". And everyone has their own opinions on just what part of your life that is. I don't expect any time in life to be totally care-free any 100% fun, but life isn't meant to be be all stress & work with the occasional distraction...we're supposed to enjoy life...

But one way or the other, I still have yet to find that time...

Being a little kid was supposed to be the "time of my life", because I didn't have any real responsibilities. But at that age, life is so simple...there may not be any big worries, but there's no great joys either. You're innocent, but also...ignorant. Then when I got into Jr. High it was supposed to be the "time of my life", because I was older, and could try new & better things. But all that age was to me was a reminder of all the things I couldn't do yet...just an impatience for the future. Then High School was supposed to be the "time of my life". I was supposed to be hanging out with friends, going to parties, driving, dating, and having fun in between school & studying. But I just found myself standing on the fringe of the social scene, without a clue how to talk to girls...

Finally, getting into College was supposed to be the "time of my life". I was supposed to be an adult, making my own decisions, moving out, finding a serious girlfriend, gaining freedom... But I'm still living like an 18-year-old...I'm swamped with school, I'm too busy to hang out with friends much, I can hardly ever get dates, I'm sick of living with my parents, I'm broke, and I don't know when I'll ever be able to move out...

When is this "time of my life" actually going to start???

"Happiness: We rarely feel it.
I would buy it, beg it, steal it,
Pay in coins of dripping blood
For this one transcendent good."

Twitterpation Syndrome

All too often, people talk as if being Twitterpated is nothing more than that emotion you feel when you first find yourself enamored with someone.  But if that someone turns out to be someone very special, it lasts a lot longer than that.  When you find someone that, for whatever reason, is just so wonderful to you, it can last for years.  Even if you develop deeper feelings for them, Twitterpation is still that rush of emotion you get where your heart just oozes every time you see them smile.

But people also talk as if being Twitterpated is always this wonderful, fluttery, dreamy, frolicking-through-the-meadows, head-in-the-clouds, happy feeling.  Twitterpation isn't so nice to deal with when you can't pursue your feelings.  Sometimes that wonderful person doesn't feel the same, sometimes you can't find out if they do, and sometimes (for all kinds of reasons) you don't have a green light even if they do.  When things aren't looking so great, being Twitterpated...just makes you crazy.

It's a cruel torment when you can't be with someone.  It's like a disease...  Especially when you really think they might want to be closer to you if certain...things...were different.  Twitterpation Syndrome gnaws at your heart, keeping you up at night...  You spend so much time thinking about them, missing them, and wanting to be around them.  But then when you are, you find yourself starting to wish that you weren't, so you could stop thinking about them.  Unfortunately, that never happens, because that was the problem in the first place.

They say that "time heals all wounds"...  It does to a certain extent, but it's not enough.  Getting over someone isn't nearly that simple.  When wounds are really deep, they don't heal all the way on their own---they need help.  That help is something that no one can give you except another person who strikes that certain, special chord in you.  You can't "move on" unless you have someone else to move on to.  But if you don't have that, you're just...screwed.  Because you're just left there, still Twitterpated with someone you can't be with...

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come."

Theme Song

We all have our favorite music...styles, bands, songs...  Music we think is really fun, rocking, or otherwise just... indefinably awesome.  But how often do you run into a band or song whose lyrics really have...soul?  Lyrics that just seem to speak to you.  And for you.  The Goo Goo Dolls do that for me.  And with all the chaos and strange luck that life has brought, me there's one song that just feels like it was written for me.  I wonder if any of you knows why...

"And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
You saw the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Tossed along the way
Letters that you never meant to send
Lost or blown away

And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
Don't belong to no one, that's a shame
You could hide beside me, maybe for a while

And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name

Scars are souveneirs you never lose
The past is never far
And did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are?

You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio

And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name

I think about ya all the time, but I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are, come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name"

Unrequited

"Wanna put my tender
Heart in a blender
Watch it spin around
To a beautiful oblivion..."

I still have yet to be turned down for a first date, but I recently got turned down for a second date. That may not sound like a big deal to most people, but it's the first time I've ever been turned down period (and that is not a good thing). One girl just made excuses & avoided me until I got the hint (which I'm still pretty bitter about), but every other girl I ended up just giving up on...either because I could tell she just wasn't interested, or even worse, because I could tell that she didn't realize that I was interested... I'm glad a girl finally had the sense to realize I was interested and the spine to turn me down.

But in the long run, it doesn't do me much good...

Creative writing is not my strong suit, but every once in a very blue moon, the Muse strikes, & I can pull off a half-decent (if short) piece of poetry. I wrote this poem several years ago, but never shared it with anyone. I've omitted the first stanza, as it was about a specific girl. But the other 3 stanzas are pretty universal---I think every guy out there can empathize with me on this:

"She stole my heart, but my affection
She could not return
The pain consumes me, and I feel
My soul within me burn

Why must heartache hurt so much?
What power can ease the sting?
This torment rips my heart apart
In endless suffering.

The sweetest angel that I've met
In years has gripped me so
Affection unrequited
Is the cruelest pain I know"

I have such horrible luck with girls... Some guys, once they find out that a girl is a "tough one" or even "unobtainable", they just can't help but go for her. For me, it's the other way around. I meet all these attractive, sweet, wonderful girls, and then I find out that they're too young, too old, have a boyfriend, aren't LDS, are just visiting from out of state... Seriously, like 95% of the girls I find myself interested in aren't even an option!

But the worst part is that when I actually do find a girl who's attractive, sweet, 18-24, single, LDS, & lives around Salt Lake, they're never interested! What is it about me? Am I unattractive? Am I boring? Am I awkward? Am I creepy? I don't expect to win any contests in any of those areas, but I'm open to honest advice!

I'm just tired of wasting my time, & getting nowhere... I don't want to lower my standards, and I shouldn't have to, because they're not unrealistic. And I don't want pity... Going on a pity-date with someone is basically saying "I think you're so socially awkward & incapable, and I feel so sorry for you, that I'm going to lower & debase myself to throw you a bone." It's demeaning, it's degrading, it's insulting. I don't want pity...pity-dates, pity-friendships...pity-anything. Everyone wants sympathy, but not pity. I don't want it, and I don't need it. I may not be Mr. Personality, but I can hold my own socially. And the thing is, I don't just deserve to know or believe that someone has feelings for me---I deserve to have someone have feelings for me.

I just wish I knew what else I can do...because I'm still at square-1, with unrequited feelings...

"I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want another lover at my door
It's just another heartache on my list

I don't want to be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore"

The Art of Teaching, Part 2: The Teaching Diamond

Part 2 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Teaching:

Few things make school more frustrating than bad teachers.  The most interesting of subjects can't be enjoyed (let alone learned) if the teacher doesn't know how to teach.  Bad teachers come in many forms, so it's hard to describe all of the problems.  But a very effective way I've discovered is with a diagram I've come up with that I call the Teaching Diamond:

The first question to ask is what Movtivations someone has to become a teacher.  The first is obivous---an Interest in the Subject, which are the Left and Top corners of the Diamond.  After all, why would you become a teacher if you didn't like the subject you were teaching?  But unfortunately, I think far too many teachers use this as their only motivation to become a teacher.  They seem to think "I really don't know what I want to do...but I really like this subject, so, I guess I'll teach it..."

But that leaves out an essential motivation---an Interest in Teaching, which are the Left and Bottom corners of the Diamond.  Why would someone become a teacher if they didn't have a passion for teaching?!  All it does is rob themselves of finding a more fulfiling career, and rob their students of an effective education.

The second question to ask is what Qualifications someone needs to become a teacher.  The first is obvious---a Knowledge of the Subject, which are the Right and Top corners of the Diamond.  After all, what kind of respecable school would hire a teacher who wasn't thoroughly knowledgable in the subject they were teaching?  But as with movtivations, far too many schools use someone's knowledge as the only qualification for becoming a teacher.  As much as they can afford, they hire the people with the most distinguished-sounding degrees and education.  They seem to think "The more someone knows about a subject, the better they'll be able to teach it."

But that leaves out an essential qualification---a Knowledge of Teaching, which are the Right and Bottom corners of the Diamond.  Knowing information about a subject, no matter how much, says absolutely nothing about your ability to teach it effectively!  No matter how much you know about something, your ability to teach it is based on your ability to see from the view of those who know nothing, break it down, simplify it, start from the basics, build from there, and handle different styles of learning.  Hiring people based on mere knowledge only further robs students of an effective education.

I don't want Professors---people who merely profess their knowledge, who just lecture, who rattle off cold information that could just as easily be obtained from a book or the internet.  I want Teachers---people who understand how others learn, and how to teach.  To be a teacher requires an Interest of both their Subject and of Teaching, and a Knowledge of both their Subject and of Teaching.  The Center of the Teaching Diamond is where all teachers should be.  Far too many focus on the Top corner, and forget the Bottom corner, which severely retards their ability.  Because as important as the Subject is to teaching, the foundation of teaching is Teaching itself!

The thing is, a well-written book or web-page can be a much more effective teaching agent than a droning professor.  The reason classes have a teacher intead of a just a textbook is so there can be someone who can tell you more than what the book does, and explain things better than any book can.  That isn't going to happen if the teacher doesn't know how to teach.  And something as dynamic as teaching isn't something that can be learned, no matter how much training you have, if you don't have a passion for teaching.

I want to see passion in academics.  Nothing would be more refreshing.

"If you want to build a ship, then don't drum up men to gather wood, give orders, and divide the work.  Rather, teach them to yearn for the far and endless sea."