I look at a lot of the stresses & dissatisfactions in my life since I've graduated High School, & I've come to realize what the source of a lot of them are: Change. Both change itself, and a lack of it. Change in the world around me, and a lack of change in my own life. As I've mentioned before, change can be great, but it can also really suck. But a lack of change can be both good & bad as well. And looking back over the last 8 years or so, my life has had far too much of the bad change, & the bad lack of change.
Dancing... I've been dancing for over 7 1/2 years, & I've been part of the Salt Lake Dance scene for almost 6 1/2... And I feel like the dance scene is dying... Not necessarily completely---all venues & scenes go through ups & downs, but those ups & downs are usually little ups & downs within bigger ups & downs. A friend of mine used to be a regular at the MAC like 10 years ago, & the scene was great. Then it died...& he & all his friends stopped going... But when I started going about 6 years ago, the MAC was at the peak of popularity again---& now it's largely dead... I suppose I just need to accept that...and maybe move on...but I long for the "up" to come back soon... And even the Lindy scene isn't what it used to be...& I don't see any signs of an approaching "up"...
Then there's my personal life... I'm almost 26 and still living at home...not a Returned Missionary...never had a full-time job...not anywhere near done with college...never had a girlfriend... So many elements of "growing up" just haven't happened for me... But they've happened to just about everyone around me. Everyone seems to being going in life where I want to, but I can't figure out how they do it.! How do you all do it?! How do you live away from home before getting a college degree?! How do you get a decent job without a college degree?! How did you figure out what you want to do with your life?! How do you find so many people who actually want to go out with you?! How do you handle work, & school, & living on your own, & still manage to have a social life?!
But ultimately, I've come to realize something... All the things around me that are changing that I'm not happy about all fall into 1 of 3 categories: Friends not coming around, friends getting married, or friends moving away. What I've come to realize is that everyone else is moving on with life, & going through change in life, but I'm not. If I was, I wouldn't mind so much things changing for my friends. But because my life isn't changing, I'm not ready for (or happy about) my friends' lives changing. Because that change takes them away from me.
If I was moving on in life with them, it'd be okay... If I was putting my heart into school or entering a career...if I was finding a serious girlfriend (or any girlfriend, for that matter), or even getting married & starting a family...if I was going through good changes in life, that good would fill the void left by my friends who are leaving me behind... Change is inevitable. I understand that, but I guess I need to accept it more...I need to accept that the people I love are going through good change, & I need to be happy for them. But that attitude will only get me so far until I can figure out how to get my own life to change...for the better...
"When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can turn into deadly projectiles."
