Destination

Disillusion

Life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would by this point...they way I hoped it would, & the way I was always told it would...  My apologies for the length of this post...

Preparation

There are all kinds of things in life...big things like an LDS guy going on a Mission, or moving away from home...other things like going to college, or getting a job...or seemingly simple things like dating...& plenty of other things as well.  These are all perfectly good things, but so often in life, people expect you to do things at a certain time, & in a certain way, but then they do virtually nothing to prepare you for them.

Maybe it's just me.  But everyone kept telling me "When it comes to this point, you're expected to do this...", & I just kind of thought "Um, okay."  But then the time for those things came, & they basically just threw me to the wolves, expecting me to jump in head first, & hit the ground running...& I just kind of thought "Um...okay?"  I don't expect anyone to hold my hand through the important things in life, but so many things...no one every really prepared me for.

Responsibility

Don't think I'm trying to absolve myself of all responsibility.  There are plenty of times where I just slacked off.  Where I said to myself "I really don't want to do this."  Or where I thought I had plenty of time, & just procrastinated.  Sometimes I just didn't think things out.  Sometimes I made really stupid mistakes.  I have plenty of regrets...more than I care to admit...I'm just glad I haven't ruined my life...  But I still "dropped the ball" in a lot of areas...

Accountability

But the thing is, when I didn't do a lot of things that I probably should have, no one really said anything...  I don't want people to be all over me, getting on my case, but when I "dropped the ball", people just let it slide...  I don't know if they though "Oh, he'll get going and do it sooner or later" or what, but people let me get away with mediocrity...with irresponsibility...  No one held me accountable for things I probably should have done.

Growth

In short, there are lots of things no one really prepared me for, then I dropped the ball on them, & then no one held me accountable.  So for about 3 whole years, I basically went nowhere...stuck in a dead-end job, hardly stretching myself at all, & barely growing at all as a person...  And now here I am, at 24 years old...and so many people expect something from me...adulthood.  I'm expected to feel like an adult, think like an adult, talk like an adult, act like an adult, live like an adult, & be an adult.

But you know what?  I'm not an adult.  Sure, I'm a physical & mental adult, but I'm not an emotional adult.  I see little point in trying to hide that anymore...it's probably pretty obvious to anyone who knows me more than casually...  There are so many things...so much life experience & maturity...that I just don't have...  Yeah, I probably should have them, but I don't.  I'm 24, & in more than one are of life, I still feel like a 17-year-old Highschooler...  I feel so far behind everyone my age...but I have gained some experience, maturity, & growth since High School...so I don't really fit in with that group either...but where does that leave me?

Breaking Point

I feel all this pressure to "catch up" to where I'm "supposed to be", all the while trying not to burn out...  And you know what I'm starting to realize?  I can't handle everything.  I can't handle the stress from school, studying, work, church, family, friends, girls, society...  Constant stress from every aspect of life?!  It's too much!  Something has to give...the question is, what???

Should I give up on school, & just enjoy what I can?  Should I give up on work, & consign myself to being dirt-poor & unable to have or do anything I want until I'm graduated w/a great job?  Should I give up my social life?  Should I give up on my reponsibilites at home, church, or to society?  Even if I give up on something, the point is to make time for other things...the other stresses I can't handle, the responsibilities I'm failing in, & the dreams I don't have the time or energy to achieve...

Happiness

But the thing is, even if I "get a handle" on one thing or another, I need to look at the bigger picture.  I was going nowhere in life...  Then life smacked me upside the head, I got out of my dead-end job, registered for college, chose a major, got a better job...& I was going somewhere...  But it's coming to the point where that's not enough...I need to know where I'm going.  And need to know that where I'm going will make me happy.

School is such a big part of my life...but my heart is just not in it...  I'm so behind on studying, & I'm not sure how I'll make it through Finals...but even more, I'm absolutely dreading starting next Semester, because I'm not sure anymore if I'm going where I should be.  I started in Middle East Studies because I like dabbling in exotic languages, & Arabic is a really valuable language to know.  I wanted to get a degree where my skills would be in demand.  I don't want to have to be a slave to work...just another Joe Punch-Clock...another Nine-to-Five Nobody...

Arabic is very in demand, but I still don't know what I'll do with it.  And the further I get into school, the more afraid I am that I'll end up somewhere I don't want to be... somewhere that will make me unhappy...  I'm afraid to invest...or waste...any more time, money, & energy in college if I don't know where I'm going.  I need to know that my direction will lead me to happiness.

Solution?

I'm seriously doubting my major...I'm seriously doubing if I should even register for classes next semester...  But I don't know what to do.  I don't want to slip into another horrible rut of going nowhere, but I don't know how to find out where I want my life to go...how to find out what will make me happy.  And if I don't know how, I certainly don't know how long it will take to find out...

"The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going."

People-Skills

I'm severely lacking in certain people-skills...

I have this friend...at least I thought they were a friend...that I haven't seen in ages. I really value their friendship, & I miss them like crazy. But I feel like they've been blowing me off... I don't message them too often by any means, but often enough that they should realize I'm not just randomly messaging them in passing. I really think they should realize that I miss them & want to see them. But I'm getting nothing back...I feel like I'm the only one putting anything into our friendship...

I really want them to know that I miss them, and that I'm hurt that I never see or even hear from them. But I don't want to come off as clingy or needy... More than anythying, I'm don't want to elicit a pity-friendship response... As a little kid I was a total nerd, & got picked on a lot, so a lot of the nice kids were particularly "nice" to me. But I knew that it wasn't because they actually wanted to spend time with me---it was because they felt sorry for me. I don't want that, because it's not real. It's not...genuine. It means a lot to me when people say or do things they don't have to. But more importantly, when they do them for the right reasons.

I feel like if I confronted my friend about this, they'd almost certainly make the time to spend some time with me. But I couldn't be sure if it was because they felt bad for hurting me, or because they felt bad about themself. The first would be more about making me feel better, and the latter about making them feel better. If this friend of mine spends time with me, I want it to be because they actually want to spend time with me. I don't want them to spend time with me out of guilt... I guess what I'm afraid of the most is that I don't mean as much to them as a friend as I thought I did...

Maybe I'm over-thinking things, and making the situation a bigger deal than it should be...but genuineness is very, very important to me... Any real, lasting friends I've had have come from a very genuine love for me as a person. Anything else I've had have just been "nice people" that I've been "acquainted with". Which is nice, but it's not friendship...and it shouldn't be disguised as such. I just wish I knew what to do about this friend of mine...

I'm severely lacking in certain people-skills...

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

Pressure, Purpose, & Passion

Burnout

I've been working extra hours this week & last, & I've hardly had time to breathe... I've been fighting burout so bad...I've been so wasted, I've skipped school 3 times this week... Sometimes you need time to just do nothing...I'm not talking about time to "slack off", I'm talking about time to relax, wind down, decompress... And it's even harder, because I'm dying to move out...at 24 I'm itching for my independence. I'm not just some impatient kid wanting to be able to do whatever he wants. I may not have everything "figured out", but I'm not going to screw up my life. And at this point, I'd rather learn my lessons on my own than have them shoved down my throat.

But I don't know if moving out would make things any easier... I'm doing school full-time (and drowning in it, no less). Working full time in addition to that would kill me... And yet some people do it! And more than that, they seem to be able to handle it! They even seem happy in life! How?! Seriously! I want to know! How do you do it? How do you do full time school and work without burning out?

You're Not Paid to Think

The thing is, the world doesn't give a damn about my morale... All the world cares about is that I live up to the bar everyone else has set... Society has all these things they've always told me that I have to do... Why? Why do I have to do all these things? Why do I have to be "Peter Priesthood" in the Church? Why do I have to go through 4 years of college & graduate with a Bachelor's Degree? Why do I have to get a 2-story house in the suburbs with a 2-car garage & 2.5 children? Why do I have to work 9 to 5, Monday through Friday?

Get to Work

I'm not saying that any of those things are bad, but why do I absolutely have to do any of those things? Can't I just live the way I know is right? Why are people who don't go through college viewed as not being responsible? Is there some law written into the fabric of existence that says you're a slacker if you're not punching in 40 hours a week? I just feel like I'm jumping through hoops...I feel like I'm living up to everyone's expectations...like I'm living for everyone else, & not for me... I don't know how long I can sit on society's conveyer-belt while they send me along down the assembly-line...

Maybe I should do some or all of those things I mentioned before...but I don't know that for myself yet. If there's something in life that I really should do, I want to know that I should do it, and I want to be motivated to do it. But I don't want to do it just because everyone else thinks I should. That's no reason to do anything. I want to know my path for myself. I want a purpose in life. I know there's a purpose to life, but I don't seem to have a purpose for myself...

Individuality

But more than that, I want to know what drives me. I don't have that yet... What drives everyone else? What drives you? What's your passion in life? There are things I care about, of course. But there's nothing I've found that I want to focus my life on. And in the meantime, I find myself just surviving...trying to enjoy the present, & prepare for the very near future...it's getting very, very tiring...

"...I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.  I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear...I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...as to put to rout all that was not life..."

Detox

I've recently gotten into watching reruns of the medical show "House, M.D."  Quite an interesting show.  The main character, Dr. Gregory House, is an absolutely brilliant doctor, but has absolutely no cander or social tact of any kind.  He's a crass, blunt, & insultive individual.  The other important thing to know is that he's handicapped.  He had an aneurysm in his leg years ago, which killed a lot of nerve tissue.  He walks around with a cane and a severe limp, which he's quite bitter about.  And his leg still hurts because of it.  You'll see him pop a few pain pills at least once in nearly every episode.

At any rate, on the episode that played last week, "Detox", the hospital administrator gave House enough incentive to go without pain pills for a week.  Throughout the episode, his withdrawl symptoms increased terribly, leaving him distracted, breathing heavily, and with big, red bags under his eyes (all while trying to solve another difficult case before the patient dies).

House made it a week without his pills, but went right back to using them afterwards.  While talking with his friend, Dr. Wilson, he admitted to being an addict, but said it wasn't a problem.  The conversation heated up as Wilson insisted that House had changed since the aneurysm, and finally House slammed his cane down onto the table, shouting "Of course I've changed!"  After a few moments of silent tension, Wilson carefully asked "...And everything’s the leg?  Nothing’s the pills?  They haven’t done a thing to you?"  House gave Wilson a steely, unwavering look, and said "They let me do my job.  And they take away my pain."

I like to think that most people aren't addicted to any drugs or actual substances.  But sometimes lifestyles, habits, behaviors, actions, or even simple mind-sets can be things that we depend on far too much.  These things can be good, neutral, or bad, but even the good ones can be unhealthy if we're using them too much, at the wrong times, or in the wrong ways.  We cling to these things as coping strategies, or even as crutches, to deal with the problems and pain in our lives.  To one extent or another, I think most of us are psychological/emotional addicts.

Addiction is no way to live, but Detox is the hardest part.  We try to go without our familiar, comfortable, chaining coping strategies.  But the withdrawl symptoms set in, and we find ourselves facing the pain we've avoided, terrified of not knowing when we'll make it through.  And even worse, sometimes we don't know how to make it through.  We need a Plan B.  Without some alternate plan, some better, healthier coping strategy, we ultimately give up, and turn back to our addictive coping strategies.

I think we all know at heart that our shallow, selfish, fear-based coping strategies are bad for us.  But they let us do our job.  And they take away our pain.  The trick is to find Plan B...because the torturous cycle of starting & quitting Detox continues forever without it...

"It is not heroin or cocaine that makes one an addict, it is the need to escape from a harsh reality.  There are more television addicts, more baseball and football addicts, more movie addicts, and certainly more alcohol addicts in this country than there are narcotics addicts."