The Art of Teaching, Part 1: My Personal Rant

Part 1 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Teaching:

I swear, not all my posts are going to be 2-parters...but I really need to take a whole post just to rant about my current teachers & professors...they're nice people, but I just don't like any of them, particularly their teaching styles:

1. My Intro to Stats Teacher: She's from Eastern Europe, & has a thick accent. I can understand her fine, but it just bugs me when people don't learn to speak English right... It's one thing if they're really new to the language...but when they can speak it quickly & fluidly, & have an extensive vocabulary, they should've had enough practice to improve on their American accent. The accent is an intregal part of any languange... If someone clearly has a strong grasp of a language, but don't even seem to be trying to speak with a correct accent, it just strikes me as...lazy...

2. My Intermediate Writing Teacher: He's a Grad Student. He knows his stuff, he's a nice guy, and he's got a good sense of humor, but...there's a complete lack of structure in his class. We basically have no idea what we're going to do on any given day until the class period before. His "lessons" don't fit together in any more than the vaguest, most general of ways. It just seems like a kind of random class...

3. My Middle East History Teacher: The class covers 1798-1914 (last century of the Ottoman Empire). My professor is a nightmare... First off, there's no textbook! How can you have a history class without a textbook?! No slideshows, no powerpoint presentations, no maps...no visual aids of any kind, except for a few random words & phrases he scribbles in no particular order on the chalkboard, & then points at them at the appropriate times in his lecture...

Basically, it's him lecturing all class long. And his lectures...my gosh...they're so random & disjointed...he just rambles on, off on tangents that don't seem to connect together to any relevant theme... You know what it's like? It's like this:

http://www.truveo.com/Strike-Breakers/id/3352720668

I swear, it's barely 5 minutes in to every one of his lectures before I start half-expecting him to say "So the Sultan tied an onion to his belt, which was the style at the time..." I don't know how many more of his rambling lectures I can take...

4. My Arabic Teacher: He's a nice guy, and he knows his stuff, but...ugh... First of all, he has a heavy Arabic accent. The fact that he doesn't even try to speak with a correct American accent when he's trying to get us to speak with a correct Arabic accent comes off as not just lazy, but...arrogant, in a way...

But more than that, it's his style of teaching...it's like he makes us guess what words mean! He'll keep saying a word in different contexts, or use body language, or draw it on the whiteboard... By the time I finally understand what the word is, I think "Oh...why didn't he just say that???" Learning vocabulary goes at a crawling pace the way he teaches...

I've had all kinds of other terrible teachers before, too...teachers who seem to take absolutely no joy in their field, or in the act of teaching...teachers who just seem crabby all the time...teachers who just lecture on & on, not even wondering if the students are absorbing or understanding the information... So many teachers are just...lacking...in certain ways... I'm sure everyone can relate to this.

Stay tuned for my thoughts on just what all those teachers are lacking...

"The aim of education should be to teach us rather how to think, than what to think--rather to improve our minds, so as to enable us to think for ourselves, than to load the memory with thoughts of other men."

Girl Drama, Part 2: Indecisiveness

Part 2 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Girl Drama:

Now that you understand my thoughts on girls' Spinelessness, the other major issue I have with girls is their Indecisiveness. Why does it take so long for a girl to decide whether or not she likes a guy? Why is it so hard? Why do girls seem so afraid to let themselves like a guy?

Our society horribly blurs the lines between dating & friendship. I know they're not completely different, but they're not the same thing! People will say "Oh, but the first date or two should be really casual, because you don't want to rush things." Sure, I'm all for taking things slow & not rushing. But there comes a point when things can be too casual. When it's so casual that you're sitting there thinking "Is this a date, or what?" One of the last girls I "went out with" I still don't think realizes that I thought it was a date...

It can be a date, and still be casual. But it can be casual, and still be a date!

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I like to make a little distinction between "hanging out" and "going out". I have plenty of female friends that I'd love to "hang out with", even one on one. But the last thing I want is to give them the wrong impression, & make them think that I'm interested. If I want to hang out with a girl, I would think I could just say "Hey, we should hang out sometime." But if I'm interested in a girl, I want to go out with her. So why can't I just say "Hey, do you want to go out sometime?" Why can't I be clear about my intentions? Or more poignantly, why can't girls understand such clear intentions?

Ladies, like I said in my last post, if you just pay attention to obvious social cues, you should be able to tell what a guy's intentions are. In other words, you should be able to tell whether a guy is asking you to "hang out" or "go out". Sure, sometimes people just "hang out" and then end up dating later. But some guys have a really hard time doing that without getting sucked into the "Just Friends" category. After all, the longer you know someone, the harder (and more awkward) it is to try to "change" the relationship to something more. At what point do you "change" things? Some of us can know fairly soon if we could be interested in a girl, so why can't we "ask the girl out" before we know them really, really well as a friend?

At any rate, here's something that I really don't think a lot of girls realize: If a guy "asks you out", it's because he likes you! Shocking, huh? But just because he "likes you", doesn't mean he's practically in love with you and ready to be your boyfriend! It feels like girls really "hold out" on letting themselves like a guy until they're "really sure" that he could be someone they could get serious with. Being interested in someone has nothing to do with being ready for something serious!

You want pure honesty? I'd say between half and two-thirds of the girls I know, I'd like to go out with, based on physical and emotional attraction. It's not that I'm interested in just anyone (because there's plenty of girls that I'm just not interested in), but I'm not picky! Attractive, sweet, wonderful girls are in no short supply---they're everywhere!

So ladies, when a guy asks you out, it's because he's interested in you. So at heart, "Do you want to go out sometime?" isn't really the guy asking "Do you want to go do something together?" He's asking if you're interested in him. He's asking "Are you at all attracted to me? Do you feel any amount of affection for me? Do you feel any desire to be closer to me? Do you see any possibility of us becoming more than just friends? Do you feel any romantic feelings for me?"

But again, being interested in someone has nothing to do with being ready for something serious! It's about how you feel about them! Yeah, if you barely know a guy, then I don't expect you to know if you're interested. But you don't have to know a guy intimately to know how they make you feel! All you really need is to know their personality, and to understand what kind of a person they are. Sometimes it takes months, but sometimes only weeks or days---it all just depends on the quality of your interactions with them.

When I go out socializing, I put myself out there openly & honestly. Shallow, social-climbing people aren't the type of people who would want to hang around me, and I'm not rich or popular anyway, so people have nothing to gain by taking advantage of me socially. And the kind of girls that I'd be interested in would be the same. Additionally, the fact that I'm LDS says a whole lot about the kind of person I am and what I'm looking for (and the same goes for the LDS girls I'm looking for.). So honestly, after several different interactions with someone, I take them for what they seem. And you know what? Very seldom have I ever been very wrong about the kind of person someone is.

What it all comes down to is this: I can know fairly soon if I'm interested---why can't girls? Make up your minds! Are you attracted to him or not? Do you feel anything for him or not? It's okay to be interested in someone, and it's also okay not to be! So if you're just not interested in a guy, then admit it to yourself, and to him! As great a guy as he might be, if you just don't feel it, then you just don't feel it!

Do you know what happens otherwise? You lead guys on. I've been lead on for entire summers and plenty of time in between... I'd say literally around three-fourths of the heartache I've gone through could've been avoided if the girls had just turned me down. I don't want to be led on anymore...God in heaven, I don't want to be lead on anymore... I can handle rejection, and I can handle break-ups. But the idea of being led on again like I have before just makes me want to curl up in the fetal position in the corner of a closet & sob uncontrollably...I'm not even kidding...

"If you can't make your mind up
We'll never get started
And I don't want to wind up
Being parted, broken-hearted

So if you really love me, say yes
But if you don't, dear, confess
And please don't tell me
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps"

Girl Drama, Part 1: Spinelessness

Part 1 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Girl Drama:

Girls suck.

I'm sorry, but I had to say it. Ladies, I love you, and I think about a lot of you far too much, but ugh...girls make things so hard... Guys have our problems, I'll freely admit, but girls are the ones who make things really complicated. For all our faults, guys think in very simple, straight-forward terms. But girls have a very...irrational...way of feeling about things. We cause our share of drama, but half of it is us just fumbling around, trying to respond to the drama that girls cause---and usually misinterpreting it. Even Freud, after decades of studying the human psyche, was quoted as saying "What do women want?"

As few have the patience to read uber-long blog-posts, and as I have quite a lot to say on this subject, I'm again breaking my thoughts into 2 separate posts, on the topics of Spinelessness and Indecisiveness. On the subject of the former, I have 2 main ideas to touch on: Asking guys out, and turning guys down.

Asking Guys Out:

A number of years ago, I went to a Young Adult Conference. During part of it, they had a panel of 3 couples, in their mid-to-late 20s, who had each been married for 1-4 years (relatively newly-weds), & they were there to take questions & give advice on dating & courtship. There was about 50 of us in the room, with a pretty even number of guys & girls. At one point, they asked how many of the guys would feel comfortable with a girl asking us out for a first date (other than a Girls' Choice Dance), and about 10-12 of us raised our hands (close to half of the guys). Then they asked the girls how many of them would feel comfortable asking a guy out for a first date (other than a Girls' Choice Dance), and about 3 girls raised their hands.

Why is it that most girls still aren't willing to ask guys out??? This is the 21st Century, people! Guys & girls are supposed to be equals! Half the drama in dating these days exists because we cling to a number of outdated, antiquated, archaic courtship stereotypes & rituals that just don't work in today's society. All they do is cause needless drama & stress.

Whether it's ideas of the guy always asking the girl out, the guy always paying (which I don't want to get into here), the guy always picking the girl up, or anything else, it makes it seem as if the guy has to be in charge. It was one thing hundreds of years ago, when men were always seen as dominant, & women were always seen as subordinate. But when we cling to these unbalanced ideas of behavior, it runs against the grain of modern gender-equality, and just invites confusion & awkwardness.

Ladies, any decent guy is ultimately looking for an equal partner. You asking us out isn't horribly forward---it's intelligent, social, normal behavior that we understand. If guys can be direct & show their interest, why can't you???

Turning Guys Down:

Girls are far too nice. I'm not saying that girls should be mean, rude, or unfeeling, but why is it that girls will not turn a guy down??? I have never been flat-out turned down for a date---and that is not a good thing! Literally half the reason I'm afraid to ask girls out is because I'm afraid they'll say yes when they're not even interested!

Some will say "Oh, of course they'll say yes, because they don't know you. They don't know whether or not they like you." Bull-honky. There is only 1 time I've ever asked a girl out the day I met her. It's not usually that easy to get to know someone within just a few minutes of meeting them. Why in the world would you agree to go out with someone you just barely met? Someone who's basically a complete stranger? Someone who could turn out to be a total psycho?

When I ask girls out, it's usually someone I've started seeing on a regular or semi-regular basis at social events, like Swing Dancing. I get a dance or two with them every week, have a few nice, casual conversations each time, let them see me in a social context with other people, and basically give them a chance to see the kind of person I am. And during that time, I get the chance to see what kind of person they are. So within a week or two, maybe a month, I know how old they are, what religion they are, if they're single, etc, and I have a decent feel for their personality. And more importantly, they should have a decent feel for my personality.

So why do girls continuously agree to go out with me when they're not even interested?! What is it about the phrase "Do you want to go out sometime?" that they don't understand? If anything, I would think that phrase would be a bit too forward, but apparently not. I've been led on so many times by girls who either didn't have the sense to understand I was interested, or didn't have the spine to admit that they weren't!

First of all, if a guy asks you to do something with him, just ask yourself "What are his intentions?" If you just wake up & read obvious social cues, you should be able to figure it out. And if you really can't tell by asking yourself, ask him! Second, there's a difference between "turning a guy down" and "rejecting" a guy. Rejection is if he asks you out, & you say "No!" That's harsh, & the only guys who deserve that are the total creeps.

There's no "ideal" way to turn a guy down, but the "best" way has 3 parts: Compliment, "but", & Turn-Down. Start off by saying something like "you're a great guy" or "you're a good" friend, or even "thank you" or "I'm flattered". Then say "but", and finish with "I think we should just be friends". Just like that. It's sensitive to his feelings, and honest about yours. If it's a guy who's not taking a hint, you could be a little more direct by alternately ending with "I just don't feel that way about you". And if it's someone you don't know very well, or that you're probably not going to see or run into again soon, you could end with "I actually have a boyfriend." It may not be honest, but at least you're not leading him on.

What it all comes down to is this: If guys have the spine to be honest about our feelings, the least you can do is have the spine to be honest about yours.

"A woman is a creature
That has always been strange
Just when you're sure of one
You find she's gone and made a change"

Human Mind, Part 2: The Psychology of Shame

Part 2 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Psychology, Shame, Emotion, & the Human Mind:

Shame is an interesting concept, but it's often thought of in a very negative way. What particularly comes to mind is a lot of Religious Culture. Far too many Christian groups act as if we're all horrible sinners, and we should feel good about feeling bad about it. Then they turn around and act as if it's sinful to be too happy in life, because we need to feel bad about how sinful we are. They basically say that it's good to feel bad, and bad to feel good! What a horribly confusing, self-defeating, self-shaming philosophy...

But the concept of Shame is very different from what most people are used to---and very important to understand. And it's the central theme of what I'm convinced is the way Psychology works. I learned about it from a book a friend recommended to me:

"Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw.

We almost always equate Shame with Guilt, but that's not quite right. Shame originally had another meaning, which some other languages still have, but which has been lost in modern English. In short, Shame is "a sense of one's own limitations and boundaries". Guilt is Moral Shame---feelings we get when we transgress our moral boundaries. Embarrassment is Social Shame---feelings we get when we find ourselves in a social situation that we're not prepared to handle. Fear of Death is Mortal Shame---feelings we get when we're confronted with something that could hurt or kill us.

There are more examples, but this should give you the basic idea. Shame lets us know that we're not immortal, all-powerful, all capable, or all-knowing. It lets us know that there are consequences to all our actions, whether physical, mental, emotional, moral, or social. It's a central and defining part of our Humanity. It's the perspective from which we all view & interpret the world around us, and decide how to act.

A common diagram used in Psychology shows 3 concentric circles: The inner-most one is "Ego". In psychological terms, this doesn't mean "being full of yourself", but rather one's own "central sense of self". Everyone has an Ego, but it's bloated Egos that are bad. The middle circle is "Feelings", and the outer circle is "Behavior". Our Ego (sense of self) affects how we emotionally react to and feel about things, and our Feelings affect how we choose to behave. Behavior is the only thing others can really see, but merely treating Behavior is only treating a symptom. Even treating Feelings isn't enough---you have to go to the core of what causes those Feelings.

We're all "Shamed" throughout our lives. Sometimes others Shame us, buy telling us that we're stupid, weak, or no good. Sometimes we're Shamed by our own consciences, because of things we're doing that we know are wrong. And sometimes we Shame ourselves, by unfairly comparing ourselves to others. I think everyone is Shamed in all of these ways, at least a little, at some point in their lives. But when someone is shamed a lot, and they dwell on that Shame too much, they do something very destructive: They make their Shame their Ego---they make their sense of Imperfection their sense of Self.

This is when Shame becomes Toxic. Everyone needs a healthy sense of Shame, but when people make their Shame their Ego, they basically say inside themselves "I am flawed and defected as a human being." Healthy Shame says "I did something bad", but Toxic Shame says "I am bad." Healthy Shame says "I made a mistake", but Toxic Shame says "I am a mistake." There's so much more in this book than I could explain in one Blog post, but it shows how this concept of Toxic Shame is the basis for so many common emotional problems, from simple self-consciousness to raging neuroses.

Read this book. Because this is how Psychology works. I know because I've seen it---in my own life, and in the lives of everyone around me.

"Seek knowledge and you will find evil.
Seek wisdom and you will find knowledge.
Seek truth and you will find wisdom.
Seek love and you will find truth."

Human Mind, Part 1: The Shame of Psychology

Part 1 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Psychology, Shame, Emotion, & the Human Mind:

Psychology is a very interesting subject, but far too many people these days don't give Psychology or Psychologists very much respect. I think it's because a lot of Psychologists & their avenues of thought (though not all) are kind of screwed up.

Freud had a lot of great ideas, but also some that were a bit "out there", or at least much more uncommon than he seemed to think. Too many Psychologists cling to those "extreme" concepts, and entirely base their thinking on them. Others think that Psychology is nothing more than applied Biology---nothing but neurons, synapses, & electro-chemical impulses. But that removes any element of heart, spirit, or soul---the truly human elements.

Other Psychologists seem to think that because they "understand it all", that they're somehow "above it all", like it doesn't apply to them. But that just distances them from their clients, and retards their ability to empathize with & help others. Then there are Psychologists who think that some behaviors & attitudes are perfectly healthy, when in reality they're quite mentally & emotionally unhealthy. This has little to do with their expertise in their field, but more to do with their own personal views & life values.

At any rate, far too many people think that Psychologists are just "screwed up", and that anyone who needs a Psychologist is inherently either "screwed up" or "weak" as a person. But Psychologists who have their heads on straight can be quite effective & helpful. I've known several people who have been to Therapy, Counseling, or whatever else you want to call it, & benefited greatly. Psychological Therapy/Counseling is about talking with someone who knows how the mind works, who can help you when you're in over your head. Sometimes it's having someone to talk with about your problems who won't feel like you're "burdening them". And sometimes it's just about having someone "safe" to talk to, who won't callously dismiss, judge, or criticize you & your problems.

Stay tuned for my own personal views on Psychology. In the meantime, just try to broaden your minds as to the benefits of Psychological Thought. Think about just how busy, harsh, confusing, & chaotic our world & society are. Sometimes people reach their limit. Sometimes people don't know what to think or feel, or how to handle their own emotions while trying to handle the entirety of life on this rock.

"Insanity in individuals is something rare--but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule."

The Blog Begins

So, I finally decided to get a Blog. I've always had thoughts and feelings that I've wanted to express, aloud or in writing, but I've never had a good forum or venue in which to do it. And I'm not exactly Mr. Extrovert, either. So I thought I'd give the whole "Blog" thing a try. Not that I have any idea what I'm doing, but hey, I'll figure it out.

I'm kind of hoping this Blog will sort of "fly below the radar". I think that's how a lot of people feel about their Blogs. It's kind of funny...we make Blogs so others can read them, but sometimes we don't want lots of people reading them. Or just certain people we don't want (and just who that is often changes). I guess I'll just have to be a little vague & ambiguous in certain posts, but that pretty much sounds like most blogs I've read ;)

Most of my posts will probably be kind of dispirited or agitated in nature. When things are going well, I don't really feel the need to express it. It's when I'm stressed, frustrated, depressed, or discouraged that I get all pent-up & angsty. Angst. I like that word...angst... Hopefully my Blog won't make me seem too cynical or "Emo". I'm just jaded with a lot of things, and tired of other people's expectations.

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”