Depression
is something that too many people don’t fully understand. Everyone has been depressed at some point in
their lives, even really depressed. But
it’s usually temporary. Whether it’s
because we don’t like our job, didn’t get a second date with someone, had a
beloved pet die, had a big fight with a good friend, or anything else—bad
things happen, we get sad for a while, but then we get through it. And even the bigger things, like a long-term
relationship ending, losing an important job, or having a family member die—the
depression is worse, & lasts longer, but eventually we get through it. Not that the pain completely goes away, but
the general state of depression eventually does.
That’s
how things go for most people. Most
people get depressed at times, but most people aren’t depressed as a state of
life. But some are. Whether it’s official "Clinical Depression" that can possibly be medicated, or just because of crappy circumstances in
someone’s life, for some people depression is the norm. And I really don’t think those who aren’t in
that position fully understand what it’s like.
Because being a depressed person isn’t the same as normal, everyday
depression, only more. It’s not just
being sad, only more often. It’s being
very sad, miserable even, and sometimes it’s all the time. It’s the emotional exhaustion of feeling lousy
so often. It’s the terrible anxiety of
not wanting to feel that way again, because you’ve already felt that way a lot
lately; you were enjoying not feeling that way for a bit, and suddenly that
relief has been cut short—again.
That’s
what depression is like.
It’s
the boredom & listlessness from feeling all of those things so much, just
being tired of it, & not having the emotional energy to hurt over it any
more for a while. It’s the guilt of
knowing all the things you’re falling short on in life because you’re so busy
handling your depression. It’s feeling
weak & pathetic because you’re falling so short, & because you’re so
unable to handle or overcome things.
It’s the feelings of hopelessness, afraid that you’ll never stop feeling
depressed, that feeling terrible is just the way things will always be for you.
That’s
what depression is like.
It’s wondering on at
least a halfway regular basis if you should "call in sick" to work because you
just want to lay in bed & cry. It’s frequently
not wanting to go out & socialize because you’re not sure if you can
maintain a fake happy-face in front of a crowd of people. It’s routinely wanting to lock yourself away
in your room because you don’t have the energy for even normal, brief
interpersonal interactions with your own family. It’s about always wanting to do things to
make yourself feel better, but not having the energy to do any of them.
That’s
what depression is like.
It’s
feeling like "Why should I bother cleaning up that mess in the living room? Why should I bother making a proper meal? Why should I bother to shower or shave today?
None of that will make me happy." "Why should I bother watching all those popular TV shows or movies, or
reading all those books that everyone raves about? None of that will make me happy." "Why should I go through the hassle of
finishing school, or putting more effort into job-hunting? None of that will make me happy."
That’s
what depression is like.
Imagine what it’s like to
feel that way on a regular basis.
Imagine what it’s like to feel that way for at least a few minutes most
days. And now imagine living like that, &
then being expected to be a healthy, functioning human being—let alone a
mature, responsible adult. It’s
emotionally exhausting. It’s completely
discouraging. And it seems impossible to
get out of, because you keep finding yourself in need of relief. When you’re constantly fighting depression,
when you can’t find any way to make the depression end, when depression is a
way of life, you constantly need to escape.
It’s more than just needing a little relief at the end of the day. It’s feeling a daily compulsion to escape an
emotional monster. You need to get
away. You have to. You can’t just "suck it up & deal with
it". You’re constantly finding yourself
near your breaking point, & you need relief.
And
so the thing that depression as a state of life leads to is addiction. A lot of people don’t understand addiction either—they
think it’s just about chemical dependency on a foreign substance. That certainly has its effect, but addiction
is so much more than that. Sometimes it’s
the standard chemical addictions like drugs or alcohol. Sometimes it’s things like gambling, sex,
porn, or food. But sometimes it’s the
much subtler things in life—things like TV, movies, video games, sports,
reading, sleeping, daydreaming…
There’s nothing inherently
wrong with those last few things. But
addiction is when something is used, not just to excess, but as a crutch; when
it’s used as a coping mechanism; when it’s used to deal with things in life, or
rather, to not deal with things in life.
Because the common factor in all addictions is distraction. Even professional psychologists talk about
addictions in terms of being "Avoidant Coping Strategies". When you’re constantly finding yourself
caught up in terrible depression, sometimes all you can think about is "What
can I do to not feel crappy for a few minutes?
What can I do to distract myself from how horrible I feel? What can I do to not be in pain for a little
while?"
That’s what depression is
like.
If you know someone who’s
depressed as a state of life, I guarantee you they are an addict of one kind or
another—even if it’s something as simple as watching too much Netflix. People turn to addictions, even the most
unassuming of addictions, when they can’t find a way out of their depression
& emptiness. And so it comes to the
point where they not only can’t overcome their pain—they can’t overcome the
addiction, because it’s the only thing that lets them escape from their
pain. They absolutely feel like they can’t
stop. They can’t do it on their
own. Because the pain they’re avoiding
is so much worse to them than the pain their addiction causes. So when someone’s well runs dry on ways to
overcome their depression, all they can do is cope. All they can do is endure & distract.
And so life becomes
little more than managing your pain, one day at a time. Living that way long-term becomes so
incredibly tiresome... But it’s hard to
get much of anywhere in life when you’re living like that. You just can’t find or summon the energy to
do more—even the things you need to do.
So here’s something else a lot of people don’t understand: Being "stuck in life" certainly doesn’t help
a person’s emotional state, but for someone who’s depressed in life, being
stuck is the symptom, not the depression.
They’re not depressed because they’re stuck in life—they’re stuck in
life because they’re depressed.
But depression is really
difficult for people to be open about. A
lot of people don’t really want to know about others’ depression. "How’s it going?" is often just a pleasantry,
something we say because it’s polite, or because it’s normal, or because it’s
expected—but quite often we don’t actually want people to burden us with their
problems. But more than that, people
don’t talk about their depression because they don’t want their depression to
change the way others view or treat them.
No one wants to be looked down on with pity, as some "poor pathetic
person" who needs a social or emotional handout. No one wants people to tip-toe around them,
or to spread it around that they’re depressed, or to second-guess themselves
about how to treat them. And no one
wants others to give them time or attention just because they’re depressed. And people definitely don't want others to treat them differently just because they're an addict.
But people are so prone
to doing all of those things. They quite
often have the best of intentions of doing so, but they don’t realize how
damaging that kind of behavior can be.
Because people want to be viewed as equals, not as someone "below
them". People want others to be real,
honest, & genuine. And people want
their interactions with others to be genuine, not merely motivated by the fact
that they’re depressed or addicted. If people spend
time with us, if people even talk to us, we want it to be because they actually
want to, not because they feel bad. If
someone really wants those interactions with another, they should be doing it
anyway, regardless of that person’s emotional state.
For someone who’s
depressed as a state of life, the answer of how to overcome that depression all
depends on the reason (or reasons) why they’re depressed. And sometimes they can’t even be open about
that. But one of the biggest things
others can do to help those who are depressed is to better understand how
depression really works. And sometimes
all you can do is be there for them as a friend—as long as it’s truly genuine,
& not just because they’re depressed.
If nothing else, people just need something better than an addiction to
distractions to manage their pain.
Because pain in life never ends—but that doesn’t mean that the good
can’t come to outweigh the bad. Not
necessarily in quantity, but in quality.
"It
is not heroin or cocaine that makes one an addict, it is the need to escape
from a harsh reality. There are more
television addicts, more baseball and football addicts, more movie addicts, and
certainly more alcohol addicts in this country than there are narcotics
addicts."
