As I've posted about before, there are all kinds of things in life that no one ever really prepared me for. They just kind of said, "When it comes to this point in your life, you're going to do this...when this time comes, theses things are going to happen..." BULL-HONKEY. Things in life don't go according to a nicely-formatted plan. Especially when you don't get much help...
There are so many things in life where people just weren't there for me. I don't want anyone to think I'm just victimizing myself & trying to absolve myself of responsibility or blame--I've made far more than my share of mistakes. But there are certain things in life where certain people should be there for you. And all too often for me, those people weren't... Parents, teachers, counselors, church leaders... They all certainly meant well, they were all certainly "around", & they all certainly brought up the subjects of the important things in my life.
But most of them really didn't do much of anything to contribute... There's all kinds of reasons, I suppose... They figured that I'd "get around to it" at some point... They figured I was getting those things from other people... They figured that "no news is good news" (which is one of the biggest lies ever told)... I never expected people to just do everything for me, but they didn't even really teach me what I think are some of the most important things I needed to learn.
No one did much of anything to help me learn how to get a job. No one did much of anything to help me learn how to date. No one did much of anything to help me learn how to get financial aid for college. No one did much of anything to help me learn how to find out what I wanted to go into in college. No one did much of anything to help me with my personal weaknesses/struggles. No one even really seriously asked me how I was doing with any of those things, & if there was anything they could do to help. I've mostly had to figure things out on my own...
But the real kicker is that I've been able to get away with largely failing at all of those things. It's never come to the point where I had to do any one of those things, or my life would fall apart. My parents are willing to let me live at home, even at my age, which is great, but then there's no point where I have to move out, get a better job, or even go to college. I could go the rest of my life without dating, & nothing would ever "hit the fan". And other things in life...any unsatisfactory conditions or even outright problems have never been something that will reach a definable, physical "boiling point". I can technically keep going on this way indefinitely...
And the reason I have is because I've just been avoiding my problems. Distracting myself from them. From depression & pain. I've struggled most of my life with depression...and it's never really gotten much better. I got teased a lot in Elementary School, which...damaged...me as a person... I've never fully recovered...I'm still much more socially isolated than most of my peers. And as much progress I've made, I still have to deal with the pain of not being where I want to be.
I'm not where I want to be in anything in life. I'm 26 1/2 & still living at home. I make hardly any money. I feel insanely inadequate in dating. I have no idea what I want to do for school or work in the short-term, let alone a long-term career. And all those things cause me pain. Pain from my current circumstances, & pain from the uncertainty & hard work it will take to change things. And so I just don't deal with it. I haven't progressed in life because I spend my time avoiding the pain. I've become an expert on not dealing with things. The end result is that it's made me very, very weak as a person. And that only compounds the problem, because I don't do the hard work it will take to change things...
Among all the varied & chaotic things that have led me to where I am right now in life, they all have a common thread: I've spent most of my life alone, distracting myself from my pain.
Letting that realization sink in, it helps to better explain how I got to where I am today. But it doesn't really solve anything...I'm still so far behind my peers, & so weak as a person...& so afraid... I guess the trick is to learn how to endure the pain that the required hard work will cause...to endure it long enough until I actually get some kind of "pay-off"...until the pain & work actually accomplish something...
"One alone cannot bring in a harvest."
"A distracted existence leads us to no goal."
