On Valentine's day, on a Blog like this, you might expect a post bemoaning singleness, decrying the comercialization of the holiday, or simply pointing out how the day puts those of us without a special someone in their lives awkwardly into the spotlight.
I'll spare you.
Instead, I have a much more constructive thought to consider regarding romance. Most of what I have to say on the subject of dating, I've already said in my previous posts "Girl Drama" & "Courtship Confusion". But I realized that there's something else that I've thought about quite a lot, but haven't posted on.
I've said before that girls should be as willing to ask out guys as guys are to ask out girls. Too many people cling to archaic gender-roles, thinking that they guy has to act like this, & the girl has to act like that, until that's all it becomes is an act---when it's supposed to be two mutually-interested people, being themselves, & getting to know each other better.
Some girls might object that "If the guy's interested in me, why doesn't he just ask me out? Then I wouldn't have to ask him out." While some girls might say that to simply pass the buck, it is a legitimate question. Aside from the obvious circumstance of the guy not being interested, why don't we ask girls out?
Sometimes we're interested, but don't feel compatible---we feel like we get along well as friends, but that differences would be too much for anything romantic to work out. Sometimes we're interested & feel compatible, but feel like there's a problem (or at least a potential problem)---an age/maturity difference, a religious difference, a physical distance, etc.
Sometimes we're just afraid...of a lot of things. Sometimes that amounts to little more that spinelessness, but sometimes it's more legitimate. Like everyone else to some extent, sometimes we're afraid of awkwardness if she isn't interested, afraid of coming off too strongly & scaring her off, afraid of being nervous & not making a good impressing, afraid of being awkward & making an outright bad impression... And as I've elaborated on at length before, sometimes we're afraid she'll say yes to a date, even if she's not interested...
But regardless of any validity among any of these concerns or fears, girls often have a legitimate reasons to pass the buck (to an extent). They could say "decide whether or not the difference/problem really matters" or "swallow your fears & just do it". But there's another area where the guys really can't take the blame---and where the girls are in the best position to do something about it.
As guys, sometimes we don't ask a girl out because we're under a mistaken impression of some kind about her. It could be that someone lied to us (for whatever reason), or that someone already misinformed passed on bad information to us, or that we overheard or interpreted someone's words or actions wrong, or that we simply make overly-broad assumptions about something. Regardless of the cause, sometimes we come to think that a problem exists that really doesn't.
Sometimes we think that a girl is a different age than she actually is. Sometimes we think that a girl is a different religion than she actually is. Sometimes we think that a girl lives further away than she actually does. Sometimes we think that a girl has a boyfriend when she actually doesn't.
Sometimes, for whatever reason, we think that a girl isn't interested in us when she actually is. We often get these ideas in our heads that "I'm this kind of person, she's that kind of person, & we've had these kinds of interactions---if she was interested in me, I would've seen some sign that she was (or at least might be)." These assumptions are ridiculous, of course, because you never know what's going on inside someone else's head. Sometimes one person is really interested in another person, but are so nervous, they end up largely ignoring them---that doesn't exactly scream of romantic interest, & is easily interpreted as a lack of interest.
The ultimate point is that sometimes, through no fault of our own, us guys feel like we have a legitimate reason for not asking a girl out, when in reality it's based on bad information. At that point, ignorance is bliss, & we really can't be blamed for not asking the girls out. But girls have the power to do something about it.
If a guy is hesitent to ask a girl out because of compatibility, a potential problem, or an outright problem, the girl can ask the guy out---which will either end with both of them knowing it wouldn't work, or forcing the guy to take the time to find out if it would work (i.e., by going out with her). If a guy is simply afraid to ask a girl out, the girl can ask the guy out---letting him know that she's interested, & overcoming the problem of his fear. And if the guy isn't asking a girl out because of a mistaken impression, it may appear to the girl that he's not asking her out for no good reason (or that he's just afraid), in which case, the girl can ask the guy out---which will quickly bring to the front the mistaken impression he's under, allowing her to set him straight. In all cases, the solution to the problem is that girls need to be as willing to ask guys out as guys are to ask girls out. Not that girls need to do the asking instead, but in addition to. It's a win-win situation.
Some girls may object, citing their own fears. But if you object to our fears, I equally object to your fears. Some girls think it's more forward for them to ask guys out than vice versa---but guys & girls are equals in this day & age, so if it's not overly forward for us to show our interest, it's not overly forward for you to show your interest. And consequently, if you turning a guy down isn't automatically disatrously awkward, a guy turning you down isn't automatically disastrously awkward.
Additionally, some girls will claim that they don't know how to ask guys out. But most girls have been asked out before, & have certainly talked with other girls about the ways that guys ask girls out. So if I asked you what the "ideal" way for a guy to ask you out is, would you know how to answer? If you do, then why can't you ask a guy out that way? But I would guess that most girls wouldn't be sure how to answer. And that begs the question: What makes you girls think that us guys have any more of an idea of what we're doing than you do?
And that leads us to another point---I think girls being willing to ask guys out will help both sides better understand what it's like for the other side. Girls asking guys out will help them know what it's like for us---trying to figure out what to say, when to say it, how to repspond to their reaction... It takes a lot of courage to ask someone out, & if girls knew what it was like, they'd be much more willing to cut us guys some slack on the subject. And girls asking guys out will help us know what it's like for them---when someone asks you out completely unexpectedly, & you find yourself totally unprepared, unsure how to respond (whether that's in trying to hide your exitement or your awkwardness). Being put in that position would help guys understand what it's like for girls to think of a reaction on the fly & maintain social composure.
Girls, this is the Twenty-First Century. Guys & girls are equals. Girls need to be as willing to ask guys out as guys are to ask girls out. It forces concerns & problems out of limbo & into resolution, it dispells needless fears, it overcomes the problems of misinformation, & it helps both sides to better understand each other.
On yet another Valentine's day alone, I'll bemoan my singleness privately. But for all the girls who are unhappy about yet another Valentine's day alone, I ask this simple question: Are you actually DOING anything to have a dating life, or are you just expecting the guys to do all the work?
Step it up, ladies.
"Who could refrain that had a heart to love and in that heart courage to make love known?"
