Ever-Changing Friendships

It's Christmas Eve, & I wax nostalgic...

The Holiday Season really flew by for me this year...  I've been busy w/work, dancing, computer-viri, being exhausted...  I guess it hasn't been a total loss...I haven't been completely superficial about Christmas, I've put a little though into it's true meaning, I got all my shopping done, I got some great Christmas-dances in...

But the thing that's really been occupying my thoughts this season is friends.  Friends are an interesting thing...  They say that "Friends come and go, but family is forever", which I guess is true in a lot of ways.  But on the other hand, I would say that "Family is family regardless---but you choose your friends."  My family are good people, it's hard to picture my life without them, & they're far from the last people I'd choose to associate with...but they're far from first, too.  You might say that friends are the people we choose to be family.

But more than the fact that you choose your friends is that they choose you.  We all know people that we think are really cool or really fun, and maybe they "like" us, but they just don't seem to esteem us as highly as we do them (which isn't anything personal).  But every now & then, we meet someone that seems to think that we're as awesome as we think they are.

That concept is so wonderful to me...  Your family kind of has to love you.  Sure, some people's families don't, but there really is an obligation to love your family.  And sure, we all have an obligation to "love our fellow man", but that's not quite the same as the deep, personal love of friendship.  Friends are people who love you when they don't have to.  That's really something special.

At any rate, I've been thinking a lot about my friends...more specifically, about people who "used to be my friends", you might say...  I've never had a "falling out" with anyone, but sometimes people just grow apart...people get busy, move on with life, move away...  And then one day you realize that your friendship isn't the same.  Not like they're simply "someone I used to know", & certainly not like they're "not my friend any more", but more like they're "a friend I used to know".

How sad...  I know change is inevitable, & I know that sometimes change is good.  But sometimes...sometimes change really sucks.  I don't want to lose any more friends...I don't want anyone else to drift away...  My friends mean so much to me, & I miss my "old friends" so much...friends from High School, that I've hardly seen since then...friends from the Weber State Swing Club, who I've hardly seen since they left...friends from the Weber State Dance Team, who I've hardly seen since I left...friends from the U of Utah Swing Club, the Golden Skillet, & the Murray Arts Centre, who haven't come in ages...

I don't want anyone else to become "a friend I used to know".  Life is about people.  I hate it when people leave...I hate missing people that matter to me...because when they're gone, a part of me is missing...

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."

So Very Tired...

I'm so tired...so tired of being tired...  Mentally & emotionally tired, of course...but it's even harder to deal with those when you're always physically tired as well...

I can never get to sleep easily...  If I'm absolutetly exhausted, I can get to sleep in maybe half an hour, but most nights, it takes at least an hour, sometimes two...  My mind just won't stop working!  I can never stop thinking!  And if I try not to think, I get bored, & then I'm preoccupied w/being bored...or I get preoccupied w/trying not think...  If nothing else, my mind just catches onto whatever random thought strays by...the last thing I was thinking of, a song stuck in my head, something that happened that day, something coming up the next day...  Pure sleepiness eventually wins over, but not quickly enough...

And even worse is trying to wake up...I've never been a morning person...even if I get to bed before midnight, I can sleep in 'til 9:00 w/out even trying.  But it's gotten worse...this past summer I spent most mornings sleeping in 'til 10:00...and lately when I don't have to be anywhere, I can sleep in 'til 11:00...or later...  I'm just so incredibly, unbelievably groggy...my mind just feels like mush...  I consider getting up, & I just think "Ughhh..." & fall right back to sleep like that...

But the worst part of all is how the rest of me feels...regardless of how little I wore myself out the night before, regardless of how early I went to bed, in the morning I feel completely & totally drained of energy...  My whole body, especially my limbs, especially my legs, feels heavy & tight...often to the point of lightly aching...  Every night I go to bed feeling tired (as I should), but then every morning I wake up feeling exhausted...

On one episode of the TV show M*A*S*H, a reporter from the States was asking all the main characters questions about the war, their work, etc.  When asked what they hoped to do when the war ended, the character Hawkeye said "I'd like to take six to eight months, and become unconscious...not do anything, not go any place, not have anything asked of me...just sleep...  And then I'd like to go to Europe, and sleep there for a year."

Oh, how I echo his sentiment...  Sometimes I just want to sleep...and sleep...and sleep...and sleep until I just can't sleep anymore...  I wonder what that feels like...to be so rested that you actually want to get out of bed?  I have no idea, because I never sleep well...I would kill for a good-night's sleep...  And such exhaustion robs me of the day's morale right from the get-go...I have so little motivation to do what needs doing each day...

I'm always tired, I've had a cold for 2 1/2 months, & I have lots of other little medical oddities going on, too...  I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so we'll se how it goes.  I just hope he can find something wrong with me that has a definite solution.  Because I can't function like this...

So very tired...

"Even thus last night, and two nights more I lay,
 And could not win thee, Sleep, by any stealth:
 So do not let me wear to-night away.
 Without thee what is all the morning's wealth?
 Come, blessed barrier between day and day,
 Dear mother of fresh thoughts and joyous health!"

Destination

Disillusion

Life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would by this point...they way I hoped it would, & the way I was always told it would...  My apologies for the length of this post...

Preparation

There are all kinds of things in life...big things like an LDS guy going on a Mission, or moving away from home...other things like going to college, or getting a job...or seemingly simple things like dating...& plenty of other things as well.  These are all perfectly good things, but so often in life, people expect you to do things at a certain time, & in a certain way, but then they do virtually nothing to prepare you for them.

Maybe it's just me.  But everyone kept telling me "When it comes to this point, you're expected to do this...", & I just kind of thought "Um, okay."  But then the time for those things came, & they basically just threw me to the wolves, expecting me to jump in head first, & hit the ground running...& I just kind of thought "Um...okay?"  I don't expect anyone to hold my hand through the important things in life, but so many things...no one every really prepared me for.

Responsibility

Don't think I'm trying to absolve myself of all responsibility.  There are plenty of times where I just slacked off.  Where I said to myself "I really don't want to do this."  Or where I thought I had plenty of time, & just procrastinated.  Sometimes I just didn't think things out.  Sometimes I made really stupid mistakes.  I have plenty of regrets...more than I care to admit...I'm just glad I haven't ruined my life...  But I still "dropped the ball" in a lot of areas...

Accountability

But the thing is, when I didn't do a lot of things that I probably should have, no one really said anything...  I don't want people to be all over me, getting on my case, but when I "dropped the ball", people just let it slide...  I don't know if they though "Oh, he'll get going and do it sooner or later" or what, but people let me get away with mediocrity...with irresponsibility...  No one held me accountable for things I probably should have done.

Growth

In short, there are lots of things no one really prepared me for, then I dropped the ball on them, & then no one held me accountable.  So for about 3 whole years, I basically went nowhere...stuck in a dead-end job, hardly stretching myself at all, & barely growing at all as a person...  And now here I am, at 24 years old...and so many people expect something from me...adulthood.  I'm expected to feel like an adult, think like an adult, talk like an adult, act like an adult, live like an adult, & be an adult.

But you know what?  I'm not an adult.  Sure, I'm a physical & mental adult, but I'm not an emotional adult.  I see little point in trying to hide that anymore...it's probably pretty obvious to anyone who knows me more than casually...  There are so many things...so much life experience & maturity...that I just don't have...  Yeah, I probably should have them, but I don't.  I'm 24, & in more than one are of life, I still feel like a 17-year-old Highschooler...  I feel so far behind everyone my age...but I have gained some experience, maturity, & growth since High School...so I don't really fit in with that group either...but where does that leave me?

Breaking Point

I feel all this pressure to "catch up" to where I'm "supposed to be", all the while trying not to burn out...  And you know what I'm starting to realize?  I can't handle everything.  I can't handle the stress from school, studying, work, church, family, friends, girls, society...  Constant stress from every aspect of life?!  It's too much!  Something has to give...the question is, what???

Should I give up on school, & just enjoy what I can?  Should I give up on work, & consign myself to being dirt-poor & unable to have or do anything I want until I'm graduated w/a great job?  Should I give up my social life?  Should I give up on my reponsibilites at home, church, or to society?  Even if I give up on something, the point is to make time for other things...the other stresses I can't handle, the responsibilities I'm failing in, & the dreams I don't have the time or energy to achieve...

Happiness

But the thing is, even if I "get a handle" on one thing or another, I need to look at the bigger picture.  I was going nowhere in life...  Then life smacked me upside the head, I got out of my dead-end job, registered for college, chose a major, got a better job...& I was going somewhere...  But it's coming to the point where that's not enough...I need to know where I'm going.  And need to know that where I'm going will make me happy.

School is such a big part of my life...but my heart is just not in it...  I'm so behind on studying, & I'm not sure how I'll make it through Finals...but even more, I'm absolutely dreading starting next Semester, because I'm not sure anymore if I'm going where I should be.  I started in Middle East Studies because I like dabbling in exotic languages, & Arabic is a really valuable language to know.  I wanted to get a degree where my skills would be in demand.  I don't want to have to be a slave to work...just another Joe Punch-Clock...another Nine-to-Five Nobody...

Arabic is very in demand, but I still don't know what I'll do with it.  And the further I get into school, the more afraid I am that I'll end up somewhere I don't want to be... somewhere that will make me unhappy...  I'm afraid to invest...or waste...any more time, money, & energy in college if I don't know where I'm going.  I need to know that my direction will lead me to happiness.

Solution?

I'm seriously doubting my major...I'm seriously doubing if I should even register for classes next semester...  But I don't know what to do.  I don't want to slip into another horrible rut of going nowhere, but I don't know how to find out where I want my life to go...how to find out what will make me happy.  And if I don't know how, I certainly don't know how long it will take to find out...

"The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going."

People-Skills

I'm severely lacking in certain people-skills...

I have this friend...at least I thought they were a friend...that I haven't seen in ages. I really value their friendship, & I miss them like crazy. But I feel like they've been blowing me off... I don't message them too often by any means, but often enough that they should realize I'm not just randomly messaging them in passing. I really think they should realize that I miss them & want to see them. But I'm getting nothing back...I feel like I'm the only one putting anything into our friendship...

I really want them to know that I miss them, and that I'm hurt that I never see or even hear from them. But I don't want to come off as clingy or needy... More than anythying, I'm don't want to elicit a pity-friendship response... As a little kid I was a total nerd, & got picked on a lot, so a lot of the nice kids were particularly "nice" to me. But I knew that it wasn't because they actually wanted to spend time with me---it was because they felt sorry for me. I don't want that, because it's not real. It's not...genuine. It means a lot to me when people say or do things they don't have to. But more importantly, when they do them for the right reasons.

I feel like if I confronted my friend about this, they'd almost certainly make the time to spend some time with me. But I couldn't be sure if it was because they felt bad for hurting me, or because they felt bad about themself. The first would be more about making me feel better, and the latter about making them feel better. If this friend of mine spends time with me, I want it to be because they actually want to spend time with me. I don't want them to spend time with me out of guilt... I guess what I'm afraid of the most is that I don't mean as much to them as a friend as I thought I did...

Maybe I'm over-thinking things, and making the situation a bigger deal than it should be...but genuineness is very, very important to me... Any real, lasting friends I've had have come from a very genuine love for me as a person. Anything else I've had have just been "nice people" that I've been "acquainted with". Which is nice, but it's not friendship...and it shouldn't be disguised as such. I just wish I knew what to do about this friend of mine...

I'm severely lacking in certain people-skills...

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

Pressure, Purpose, & Passion

Burnout

I've been working extra hours this week & last, & I've hardly had time to breathe... I've been fighting burout so bad...I've been so wasted, I've skipped school 3 times this week... Sometimes you need time to just do nothing...I'm not talking about time to "slack off", I'm talking about time to relax, wind down, decompress... And it's even harder, because I'm dying to move out...at 24 I'm itching for my independence. I'm not just some impatient kid wanting to be able to do whatever he wants. I may not have everything "figured out", but I'm not going to screw up my life. And at this point, I'd rather learn my lessons on my own than have them shoved down my throat.

But I don't know if moving out would make things any easier... I'm doing school full-time (and drowning in it, no less). Working full time in addition to that would kill me... And yet some people do it! And more than that, they seem to be able to handle it! They even seem happy in life! How?! Seriously! I want to know! How do you do it? How do you do full time school and work without burning out?

You're Not Paid to Think

The thing is, the world doesn't give a damn about my morale... All the world cares about is that I live up to the bar everyone else has set... Society has all these things they've always told me that I have to do... Why? Why do I have to do all these things? Why do I have to be "Peter Priesthood" in the Church? Why do I have to go through 4 years of college & graduate with a Bachelor's Degree? Why do I have to get a 2-story house in the suburbs with a 2-car garage & 2.5 children? Why do I have to work 9 to 5, Monday through Friday?

Get to Work

I'm not saying that any of those things are bad, but why do I absolutely have to do any of those things? Can't I just live the way I know is right? Why are people who don't go through college viewed as not being responsible? Is there some law written into the fabric of existence that says you're a slacker if you're not punching in 40 hours a week? I just feel like I'm jumping through hoops...I feel like I'm living up to everyone's expectations...like I'm living for everyone else, & not for me... I don't know how long I can sit on society's conveyer-belt while they send me along down the assembly-line...

Maybe I should do some or all of those things I mentioned before...but I don't know that for myself yet. If there's something in life that I really should do, I want to know that I should do it, and I want to be motivated to do it. But I don't want to do it just because everyone else thinks I should. That's no reason to do anything. I want to know my path for myself. I want a purpose in life. I know there's a purpose to life, but I don't seem to have a purpose for myself...

Individuality

But more than that, I want to know what drives me. I don't have that yet... What drives everyone else? What drives you? What's your passion in life? There are things I care about, of course. But there's nothing I've found that I want to focus my life on. And in the meantime, I find myself just surviving...trying to enjoy the present, & prepare for the very near future...it's getting very, very tiring...

"...I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.  I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear...I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...as to put to rout all that was not life..."

Detox

I've recently gotten into watching reruns of the medical show "House, M.D."  Quite an interesting show.  The main character, Dr. Gregory House, is an absolutely brilliant doctor, but has absolutely no cander or social tact of any kind.  He's a crass, blunt, & insultive individual.  The other important thing to know is that he's handicapped.  He had an aneurysm in his leg years ago, which killed a lot of nerve tissue.  He walks around with a cane and a severe limp, which he's quite bitter about.  And his leg still hurts because of it.  You'll see him pop a few pain pills at least once in nearly every episode.

At any rate, on the episode that played last week, "Detox", the hospital administrator gave House enough incentive to go without pain pills for a week.  Throughout the episode, his withdrawl symptoms increased terribly, leaving him distracted, breathing heavily, and with big, red bags under his eyes (all while trying to solve another difficult case before the patient dies).

House made it a week without his pills, but went right back to using them afterwards.  While talking with his friend, Dr. Wilson, he admitted to being an addict, but said it wasn't a problem.  The conversation heated up as Wilson insisted that House had changed since the aneurysm, and finally House slammed his cane down onto the table, shouting "Of course I've changed!"  After a few moments of silent tension, Wilson carefully asked "...And everything’s the leg?  Nothing’s the pills?  They haven’t done a thing to you?"  House gave Wilson a steely, unwavering look, and said "They let me do my job.  And they take away my pain."

I like to think that most people aren't addicted to any drugs or actual substances.  But sometimes lifestyles, habits, behaviors, actions, or even simple mind-sets can be things that we depend on far too much.  These things can be good, neutral, or bad, but even the good ones can be unhealthy if we're using them too much, at the wrong times, or in the wrong ways.  We cling to these things as coping strategies, or even as crutches, to deal with the problems and pain in our lives.  To one extent or another, I think most of us are psychological/emotional addicts.

Addiction is no way to live, but Detox is the hardest part.  We try to go without our familiar, comfortable, chaining coping strategies.  But the withdrawl symptoms set in, and we find ourselves facing the pain we've avoided, terrified of not knowing when we'll make it through.  And even worse, sometimes we don't know how to make it through.  We need a Plan B.  Without some alternate plan, some better, healthier coping strategy, we ultimately give up, and turn back to our addictive coping strategies.

I think we all know at heart that our shallow, selfish, fear-based coping strategies are bad for us.  But they let us do our job.  And they take away our pain.  The trick is to find Plan B...because the torturous cycle of starting & quitting Detox continues forever without it...

"It is not heroin or cocaine that makes one an addict, it is the need to escape from a harsh reality.  There are more television addicts, more baseball and football addicts, more movie addicts, and certainly more alcohol addicts in this country than there are narcotics addicts."

Time of My Life

Ever since I can remember, people have always told me that this (whenever that was) was the "time of my life". That I should be "living it up" and enjoying life because it was "my time". But no matter what age I was, people always told me that. Your entire life can't be the "time of your life". Yeah, life should be enjoyed all around, but the idea of there being a "time of your life" suggests that one particular part of you life is "your time". And everyone has their own opinions on just what part of your life that is. I don't expect any time in life to be totally care-free any 100% fun, but life isn't meant to be be all stress & work with the occasional distraction...we're supposed to enjoy life...

But one way or the other, I still have yet to find that time...

Being a little kid was supposed to be the "time of my life", because I didn't have any real responsibilities. But at that age, life is so simple...there may not be any big worries, but there's no great joys either. You're innocent, but also...ignorant. Then when I got into Jr. High it was supposed to be the "time of my life", because I was older, and could try new & better things. But all that age was to me was a reminder of all the things I couldn't do yet...just an impatience for the future. Then High School was supposed to be the "time of my life". I was supposed to be hanging out with friends, going to parties, driving, dating, and having fun in between school & studying. But I just found myself standing on the fringe of the social scene, without a clue how to talk to girls...

Finally, getting into College was supposed to be the "time of my life". I was supposed to be an adult, making my own decisions, moving out, finding a serious girlfriend, gaining freedom... But I'm still living like an 18-year-old...I'm swamped with school, I'm too busy to hang out with friends much, I can hardly ever get dates, I'm sick of living with my parents, I'm broke, and I don't know when I'll ever be able to move out...

When is this "time of my life" actually going to start???

"Happiness: We rarely feel it.
I would buy it, beg it, steal it,
Pay in coins of dripping blood
For this one transcendent good."

Twitterpation Syndrome

All too often, people talk as if being Twitterpated is nothing more than that emotion you feel when you first find yourself enamored with someone.  But if that someone turns out to be someone very special, it lasts a lot longer than that.  When you find someone that, for whatever reason, is just so wonderful to you, it can last for years.  Even if you develop deeper feelings for them, Twitterpation is still that rush of emotion you get where your heart just oozes every time you see them smile.

But people also talk as if being Twitterpated is always this wonderful, fluttery, dreamy, frolicking-through-the-meadows, head-in-the-clouds, happy feeling.  Twitterpation isn't so nice to deal with when you can't pursue your feelings.  Sometimes that wonderful person doesn't feel the same, sometimes you can't find out if they do, and sometimes (for all kinds of reasons) you don't have a green light even if they do.  When things aren't looking so great, being Twitterpated...just makes you crazy.

It's a cruel torment when you can't be with someone.  It's like a disease...  Especially when you really think they might want to be closer to you if certain...things...were different.  Twitterpation Syndrome gnaws at your heart, keeping you up at night...  You spend so much time thinking about them, missing them, and wanting to be around them.  But then when you are, you find yourself starting to wish that you weren't, so you could stop thinking about them.  Unfortunately, that never happens, because that was the problem in the first place.

They say that "time heals all wounds"...  It does to a certain extent, but it's not enough.  Getting over someone isn't nearly that simple.  When wounds are really deep, they don't heal all the way on their own---they need help.  That help is something that no one can give you except another person who strikes that certain, special chord in you.  You can't "move on" unless you have someone else to move on to.  But if you don't have that, you're just...screwed.  Because you're just left there, still Twitterpated with someone you can't be with...

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come."

Theme Song

We all have our favorite music...styles, bands, songs...  Music we think is really fun, rocking, or otherwise just... indefinably awesome.  But how often do you run into a band or song whose lyrics really have...soul?  Lyrics that just seem to speak to you.  And for you.  The Goo Goo Dolls do that for me.  And with all the chaos and strange luck that life has brought, me there's one song that just feels like it was written for me.  I wonder if any of you knows why...

"And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
You saw the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Tossed along the way
Letters that you never meant to send
Lost or blown away

And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
Don't belong to no one, that's a shame
You could hide beside me, maybe for a while

And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name

Scars are souveneirs you never lose
The past is never far
And did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are?

You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio

And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name

I think about ya all the time, but I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are, come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name"

Unrequited

"Wanna put my tender
Heart in a blender
Watch it spin around
To a beautiful oblivion..."

I still have yet to be turned down for a first date, but I recently got turned down for a second date. That may not sound like a big deal to most people, but it's the first time I've ever been turned down period (and that is not a good thing). One girl just made excuses & avoided me until I got the hint (which I'm still pretty bitter about), but every other girl I ended up just giving up on...either because I could tell she just wasn't interested, or even worse, because I could tell that she didn't realize that I was interested... I'm glad a girl finally had the sense to realize I was interested and the spine to turn me down.

But in the long run, it doesn't do me much good...

Creative writing is not my strong suit, but every once in a very blue moon, the Muse strikes, & I can pull off a half-decent (if short) piece of poetry. I wrote this poem several years ago, but never shared it with anyone. I've omitted the first stanza, as it was about a specific girl. But the other 3 stanzas are pretty universal---I think every guy out there can empathize with me on this:

"She stole my heart, but my affection
She could not return
The pain consumes me, and I feel
My soul within me burn

Why must heartache hurt so much?
What power can ease the sting?
This torment rips my heart apart
In endless suffering.

The sweetest angel that I've met
In years has gripped me so
Affection unrequited
Is the cruelest pain I know"

I have such horrible luck with girls... Some guys, once they find out that a girl is a "tough one" or even "unobtainable", they just can't help but go for her. For me, it's the other way around. I meet all these attractive, sweet, wonderful girls, and then I find out that they're too young, too old, have a boyfriend, aren't LDS, are just visiting from out of state... Seriously, like 95% of the girls I find myself interested in aren't even an option!

But the worst part is that when I actually do find a girl who's attractive, sweet, 18-24, single, LDS, & lives around Salt Lake, they're never interested! What is it about me? Am I unattractive? Am I boring? Am I awkward? Am I creepy? I don't expect to win any contests in any of those areas, but I'm open to honest advice!

I'm just tired of wasting my time, & getting nowhere... I don't want to lower my standards, and I shouldn't have to, because they're not unrealistic. And I don't want pity... Going on a pity-date with someone is basically saying "I think you're so socially awkward & incapable, and I feel so sorry for you, that I'm going to lower & debase myself to throw you a bone." It's demeaning, it's degrading, it's insulting. I don't want pity...pity-dates, pity-friendships...pity-anything. Everyone wants sympathy, but not pity. I don't want it, and I don't need it. I may not be Mr. Personality, but I can hold my own socially. And the thing is, I don't just deserve to know or believe that someone has feelings for me---I deserve to have someone have feelings for me.

I just wish I knew what else I can do...because I'm still at square-1, with unrequited feelings...

"I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want another lover at my door
It's just another heartache on my list

I don't want to be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore"

The Art of Teaching, Part 2: The Teaching Diamond

Part 2 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Teaching:

Few things make school more frustrating than bad teachers.  The most interesting of subjects can't be enjoyed (let alone learned) if the teacher doesn't know how to teach.  Bad teachers come in many forms, so it's hard to describe all of the problems.  But a very effective way I've discovered is with a diagram I've come up with that I call the Teaching Diamond:

The first question to ask is what Movtivations someone has to become a teacher.  The first is obivous---an Interest in the Subject, which are the Left and Top corners of the Diamond.  After all, why would you become a teacher if you didn't like the subject you were teaching?  But unfortunately, I think far too many teachers use this as their only motivation to become a teacher.  They seem to think "I really don't know what I want to do...but I really like this subject, so, I guess I'll teach it..."

But that leaves out an essential motivation---an Interest in Teaching, which are the Left and Bottom corners of the Diamond.  Why would someone become a teacher if they didn't have a passion for teaching?!  All it does is rob themselves of finding a more fulfiling career, and rob their students of an effective education.

The second question to ask is what Qualifications someone needs to become a teacher.  The first is obvious---a Knowledge of the Subject, which are the Right and Top corners of the Diamond.  After all, what kind of respecable school would hire a teacher who wasn't thoroughly knowledgable in the subject they were teaching?  But as with movtivations, far too many schools use someone's knowledge as the only qualification for becoming a teacher.  As much as they can afford, they hire the people with the most distinguished-sounding degrees and education.  They seem to think "The more someone knows about a subject, the better they'll be able to teach it."

But that leaves out an essential qualification---a Knowledge of Teaching, which are the Right and Bottom corners of the Diamond.  Knowing information about a subject, no matter how much, says absolutely nothing about your ability to teach it effectively!  No matter how much you know about something, your ability to teach it is based on your ability to see from the view of those who know nothing, break it down, simplify it, start from the basics, build from there, and handle different styles of learning.  Hiring people based on mere knowledge only further robs students of an effective education.

I don't want Professors---people who merely profess their knowledge, who just lecture, who rattle off cold information that could just as easily be obtained from a book or the internet.  I want Teachers---people who understand how others learn, and how to teach.  To be a teacher requires an Interest of both their Subject and of Teaching, and a Knowledge of both their Subject and of Teaching.  The Center of the Teaching Diamond is where all teachers should be.  Far too many focus on the Top corner, and forget the Bottom corner, which severely retards their ability.  Because as important as the Subject is to teaching, the foundation of teaching is Teaching itself!

The thing is, a well-written book or web-page can be a much more effective teaching agent than a droning professor.  The reason classes have a teacher intead of a just a textbook is so there can be someone who can tell you more than what the book does, and explain things better than any book can.  That isn't going to happen if the teacher doesn't know how to teach.  And something as dynamic as teaching isn't something that can be learned, no matter how much training you have, if you don't have a passion for teaching.

I want to see passion in academics.  Nothing would be more refreshing.

"If you want to build a ship, then don't drum up men to gather wood, give orders, and divide the work.  Rather, teach them to yearn for the far and endless sea."

The Art of Teaching, Part 1: My Personal Rant

Part 1 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Teaching:

I swear, not all my posts are going to be 2-parters...but I really need to take a whole post just to rant about my current teachers & professors...they're nice people, but I just don't like any of them, particularly their teaching styles:

1. My Intro to Stats Teacher: She's from Eastern Europe, & has a thick accent. I can understand her fine, but it just bugs me when people don't learn to speak English right... It's one thing if they're really new to the language...but when they can speak it quickly & fluidly, & have an extensive vocabulary, they should've had enough practice to improve on their American accent. The accent is an intregal part of any languange... If someone clearly has a strong grasp of a language, but don't even seem to be trying to speak with a correct accent, it just strikes me as...lazy...

2. My Intermediate Writing Teacher: He's a Grad Student. He knows his stuff, he's a nice guy, and he's got a good sense of humor, but...there's a complete lack of structure in his class. We basically have no idea what we're going to do on any given day until the class period before. His "lessons" don't fit together in any more than the vaguest, most general of ways. It just seems like a kind of random class...

3. My Middle East History Teacher: The class covers 1798-1914 (last century of the Ottoman Empire). My professor is a nightmare... First off, there's no textbook! How can you have a history class without a textbook?! No slideshows, no powerpoint presentations, no maps...no visual aids of any kind, except for a few random words & phrases he scribbles in no particular order on the chalkboard, & then points at them at the appropriate times in his lecture...

Basically, it's him lecturing all class long. And his lectures...my gosh...they're so random & disjointed...he just rambles on, off on tangents that don't seem to connect together to any relevant theme... You know what it's like? It's like this:

http://www.truveo.com/Strike-Breakers/id/3352720668

I swear, it's barely 5 minutes in to every one of his lectures before I start half-expecting him to say "So the Sultan tied an onion to his belt, which was the style at the time..." I don't know how many more of his rambling lectures I can take...

4. My Arabic Teacher: He's a nice guy, and he knows his stuff, but...ugh... First of all, he has a heavy Arabic accent. The fact that he doesn't even try to speak with a correct American accent when he's trying to get us to speak with a correct Arabic accent comes off as not just lazy, but...arrogant, in a way...

But more than that, it's his style of teaching...it's like he makes us guess what words mean! He'll keep saying a word in different contexts, or use body language, or draw it on the whiteboard... By the time I finally understand what the word is, I think "Oh...why didn't he just say that???" Learning vocabulary goes at a crawling pace the way he teaches...

I've had all kinds of other terrible teachers before, too...teachers who seem to take absolutely no joy in their field, or in the act of teaching...teachers who just seem crabby all the time...teachers who just lecture on & on, not even wondering if the students are absorbing or understanding the information... So many teachers are just...lacking...in certain ways... I'm sure everyone can relate to this.

Stay tuned for my thoughts on just what all those teachers are lacking...

"The aim of education should be to teach us rather how to think, than what to think--rather to improve our minds, so as to enable us to think for ourselves, than to load the memory with thoughts of other men."

Girl Drama, Part 2: Indecisiveness

Part 2 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Girl Drama:

Now that you understand my thoughts on girls' Spinelessness, the other major issue I have with girls is their Indecisiveness. Why does it take so long for a girl to decide whether or not she likes a guy? Why is it so hard? Why do girls seem so afraid to let themselves like a guy?

Our society horribly blurs the lines between dating & friendship. I know they're not completely different, but they're not the same thing! People will say "Oh, but the first date or two should be really casual, because you don't want to rush things." Sure, I'm all for taking things slow & not rushing. But there comes a point when things can be too casual. When it's so casual that you're sitting there thinking "Is this a date, or what?" One of the last girls I "went out with" I still don't think realizes that I thought it was a date...

It can be a date, and still be casual. But it can be casual, and still be a date!

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I like to make a little distinction between "hanging out" and "going out". I have plenty of female friends that I'd love to "hang out with", even one on one. But the last thing I want is to give them the wrong impression, & make them think that I'm interested. If I want to hang out with a girl, I would think I could just say "Hey, we should hang out sometime." But if I'm interested in a girl, I want to go out with her. So why can't I just say "Hey, do you want to go out sometime?" Why can't I be clear about my intentions? Or more poignantly, why can't girls understand such clear intentions?

Ladies, like I said in my last post, if you just pay attention to obvious social cues, you should be able to tell what a guy's intentions are. In other words, you should be able to tell whether a guy is asking you to "hang out" or "go out". Sure, sometimes people just "hang out" and then end up dating later. But some guys have a really hard time doing that without getting sucked into the "Just Friends" category. After all, the longer you know someone, the harder (and more awkward) it is to try to "change" the relationship to something more. At what point do you "change" things? Some of us can know fairly soon if we could be interested in a girl, so why can't we "ask the girl out" before we know them really, really well as a friend?

At any rate, here's something that I really don't think a lot of girls realize: If a guy "asks you out", it's because he likes you! Shocking, huh? But just because he "likes you", doesn't mean he's practically in love with you and ready to be your boyfriend! It feels like girls really "hold out" on letting themselves like a guy until they're "really sure" that he could be someone they could get serious with. Being interested in someone has nothing to do with being ready for something serious!

You want pure honesty? I'd say between half and two-thirds of the girls I know, I'd like to go out with, based on physical and emotional attraction. It's not that I'm interested in just anyone (because there's plenty of girls that I'm just not interested in), but I'm not picky! Attractive, sweet, wonderful girls are in no short supply---they're everywhere!

So ladies, when a guy asks you out, it's because he's interested in you. So at heart, "Do you want to go out sometime?" isn't really the guy asking "Do you want to go do something together?" He's asking if you're interested in him. He's asking "Are you at all attracted to me? Do you feel any amount of affection for me? Do you feel any desire to be closer to me? Do you see any possibility of us becoming more than just friends? Do you feel any romantic feelings for me?"

But again, being interested in someone has nothing to do with being ready for something serious! It's about how you feel about them! Yeah, if you barely know a guy, then I don't expect you to know if you're interested. But you don't have to know a guy intimately to know how they make you feel! All you really need is to know their personality, and to understand what kind of a person they are. Sometimes it takes months, but sometimes only weeks or days---it all just depends on the quality of your interactions with them.

When I go out socializing, I put myself out there openly & honestly. Shallow, social-climbing people aren't the type of people who would want to hang around me, and I'm not rich or popular anyway, so people have nothing to gain by taking advantage of me socially. And the kind of girls that I'd be interested in would be the same. Additionally, the fact that I'm LDS says a whole lot about the kind of person I am and what I'm looking for (and the same goes for the LDS girls I'm looking for.). So honestly, after several different interactions with someone, I take them for what they seem. And you know what? Very seldom have I ever been very wrong about the kind of person someone is.

What it all comes down to is this: I can know fairly soon if I'm interested---why can't girls? Make up your minds! Are you attracted to him or not? Do you feel anything for him or not? It's okay to be interested in someone, and it's also okay not to be! So if you're just not interested in a guy, then admit it to yourself, and to him! As great a guy as he might be, if you just don't feel it, then you just don't feel it!

Do you know what happens otherwise? You lead guys on. I've been lead on for entire summers and plenty of time in between... I'd say literally around three-fourths of the heartache I've gone through could've been avoided if the girls had just turned me down. I don't want to be led on anymore...God in heaven, I don't want to be lead on anymore... I can handle rejection, and I can handle break-ups. But the idea of being led on again like I have before just makes me want to curl up in the fetal position in the corner of a closet & sob uncontrollably...I'm not even kidding...

"If you can't make your mind up
We'll never get started
And I don't want to wind up
Being parted, broken-hearted

So if you really love me, say yes
But if you don't, dear, confess
And please don't tell me
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps"

Girl Drama, Part 1: Spinelessness

Part 1 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Girl Drama:

Girls suck.

I'm sorry, but I had to say it. Ladies, I love you, and I think about a lot of you far too much, but ugh...girls make things so hard... Guys have our problems, I'll freely admit, but girls are the ones who make things really complicated. For all our faults, guys think in very simple, straight-forward terms. But girls have a very...irrational...way of feeling about things. We cause our share of drama, but half of it is us just fumbling around, trying to respond to the drama that girls cause---and usually misinterpreting it. Even Freud, after decades of studying the human psyche, was quoted as saying "What do women want?"

As few have the patience to read uber-long blog-posts, and as I have quite a lot to say on this subject, I'm again breaking my thoughts into 2 separate posts, on the topics of Spinelessness and Indecisiveness. On the subject of the former, I have 2 main ideas to touch on: Asking guys out, and turning guys down.

Asking Guys Out:

A number of years ago, I went to a Young Adult Conference. During part of it, they had a panel of 3 couples, in their mid-to-late 20s, who had each been married for 1-4 years (relatively newly-weds), & they were there to take questions & give advice on dating & courtship. There was about 50 of us in the room, with a pretty even number of guys & girls. At one point, they asked how many of the guys would feel comfortable with a girl asking us out for a first date (other than a Girls' Choice Dance), and about 10-12 of us raised our hands (close to half of the guys). Then they asked the girls how many of them would feel comfortable asking a guy out for a first date (other than a Girls' Choice Dance), and about 3 girls raised their hands.

Why is it that most girls still aren't willing to ask guys out??? This is the 21st Century, people! Guys & girls are supposed to be equals! Half the drama in dating these days exists because we cling to a number of outdated, antiquated, archaic courtship stereotypes & rituals that just don't work in today's society. All they do is cause needless drama & stress.

Whether it's ideas of the guy always asking the girl out, the guy always paying (which I don't want to get into here), the guy always picking the girl up, or anything else, it makes it seem as if the guy has to be in charge. It was one thing hundreds of years ago, when men were always seen as dominant, & women were always seen as subordinate. But when we cling to these unbalanced ideas of behavior, it runs against the grain of modern gender-equality, and just invites confusion & awkwardness.

Ladies, any decent guy is ultimately looking for an equal partner. You asking us out isn't horribly forward---it's intelligent, social, normal behavior that we understand. If guys can be direct & show their interest, why can't you???

Turning Guys Down:

Girls are far too nice. I'm not saying that girls should be mean, rude, or unfeeling, but why is it that girls will not turn a guy down??? I have never been flat-out turned down for a date---and that is not a good thing! Literally half the reason I'm afraid to ask girls out is because I'm afraid they'll say yes when they're not even interested!

Some will say "Oh, of course they'll say yes, because they don't know you. They don't know whether or not they like you." Bull-honky. There is only 1 time I've ever asked a girl out the day I met her. It's not usually that easy to get to know someone within just a few minutes of meeting them. Why in the world would you agree to go out with someone you just barely met? Someone who's basically a complete stranger? Someone who could turn out to be a total psycho?

When I ask girls out, it's usually someone I've started seeing on a regular or semi-regular basis at social events, like Swing Dancing. I get a dance or two with them every week, have a few nice, casual conversations each time, let them see me in a social context with other people, and basically give them a chance to see the kind of person I am. And during that time, I get the chance to see what kind of person they are. So within a week or two, maybe a month, I know how old they are, what religion they are, if they're single, etc, and I have a decent feel for their personality. And more importantly, they should have a decent feel for my personality.

So why do girls continuously agree to go out with me when they're not even interested?! What is it about the phrase "Do you want to go out sometime?" that they don't understand? If anything, I would think that phrase would be a bit too forward, but apparently not. I've been led on so many times by girls who either didn't have the sense to understand I was interested, or didn't have the spine to admit that they weren't!

First of all, if a guy asks you to do something with him, just ask yourself "What are his intentions?" If you just wake up & read obvious social cues, you should be able to figure it out. And if you really can't tell by asking yourself, ask him! Second, there's a difference between "turning a guy down" and "rejecting" a guy. Rejection is if he asks you out, & you say "No!" That's harsh, & the only guys who deserve that are the total creeps.

There's no "ideal" way to turn a guy down, but the "best" way has 3 parts: Compliment, "but", & Turn-Down. Start off by saying something like "you're a great guy" or "you're a good" friend, or even "thank you" or "I'm flattered". Then say "but", and finish with "I think we should just be friends". Just like that. It's sensitive to his feelings, and honest about yours. If it's a guy who's not taking a hint, you could be a little more direct by alternately ending with "I just don't feel that way about you". And if it's someone you don't know very well, or that you're probably not going to see or run into again soon, you could end with "I actually have a boyfriend." It may not be honest, but at least you're not leading him on.

What it all comes down to is this: If guys have the spine to be honest about our feelings, the least you can do is have the spine to be honest about yours.

"A woman is a creature
That has always been strange
Just when you're sure of one
You find she's gone and made a change"

Human Mind, Part 2: The Psychology of Shame

Part 2 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Psychology, Shame, Emotion, & the Human Mind:

Shame is an interesting concept, but it's often thought of in a very negative way. What particularly comes to mind is a lot of Religious Culture. Far too many Christian groups act as if we're all horrible sinners, and we should feel good about feeling bad about it. Then they turn around and act as if it's sinful to be too happy in life, because we need to feel bad about how sinful we are. They basically say that it's good to feel bad, and bad to feel good! What a horribly confusing, self-defeating, self-shaming philosophy...

But the concept of Shame is very different from what most people are used to---and very important to understand. And it's the central theme of what I'm convinced is the way Psychology works. I learned about it from a book a friend recommended to me:

"Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw.

We almost always equate Shame with Guilt, but that's not quite right. Shame originally had another meaning, which some other languages still have, but which has been lost in modern English. In short, Shame is "a sense of one's own limitations and boundaries". Guilt is Moral Shame---feelings we get when we transgress our moral boundaries. Embarrassment is Social Shame---feelings we get when we find ourselves in a social situation that we're not prepared to handle. Fear of Death is Mortal Shame---feelings we get when we're confronted with something that could hurt or kill us.

There are more examples, but this should give you the basic idea. Shame lets us know that we're not immortal, all-powerful, all capable, or all-knowing. It lets us know that there are consequences to all our actions, whether physical, mental, emotional, moral, or social. It's a central and defining part of our Humanity. It's the perspective from which we all view & interpret the world around us, and decide how to act.

A common diagram used in Psychology shows 3 concentric circles: The inner-most one is "Ego". In psychological terms, this doesn't mean "being full of yourself", but rather one's own "central sense of self". Everyone has an Ego, but it's bloated Egos that are bad. The middle circle is "Feelings", and the outer circle is "Behavior". Our Ego (sense of self) affects how we emotionally react to and feel about things, and our Feelings affect how we choose to behave. Behavior is the only thing others can really see, but merely treating Behavior is only treating a symptom. Even treating Feelings isn't enough---you have to go to the core of what causes those Feelings.

We're all "Shamed" throughout our lives. Sometimes others Shame us, buy telling us that we're stupid, weak, or no good. Sometimes we're Shamed by our own consciences, because of things we're doing that we know are wrong. And sometimes we Shame ourselves, by unfairly comparing ourselves to others. I think everyone is Shamed in all of these ways, at least a little, at some point in their lives. But when someone is shamed a lot, and they dwell on that Shame too much, they do something very destructive: They make their Shame their Ego---they make their sense of Imperfection their sense of Self.

This is when Shame becomes Toxic. Everyone needs a healthy sense of Shame, but when people make their Shame their Ego, they basically say inside themselves "I am flawed and defected as a human being." Healthy Shame says "I did something bad", but Toxic Shame says "I am bad." Healthy Shame says "I made a mistake", but Toxic Shame says "I am a mistake." There's so much more in this book than I could explain in one Blog post, but it shows how this concept of Toxic Shame is the basis for so many common emotional problems, from simple self-consciousness to raging neuroses.

Read this book. Because this is how Psychology works. I know because I've seen it---in my own life, and in the lives of everyone around me.

"Seek knowledge and you will find evil.
Seek wisdom and you will find knowledge.
Seek truth and you will find wisdom.
Seek love and you will find truth."

Human Mind, Part 1: The Shame of Psychology

Part 1 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Psychology, Shame, Emotion, & the Human Mind:

Psychology is a very interesting subject, but far too many people these days don't give Psychology or Psychologists very much respect. I think it's because a lot of Psychologists & their avenues of thought (though not all) are kind of screwed up.

Freud had a lot of great ideas, but also some that were a bit "out there", or at least much more uncommon than he seemed to think. Too many Psychologists cling to those "extreme" concepts, and entirely base their thinking on them. Others think that Psychology is nothing more than applied Biology---nothing but neurons, synapses, & electro-chemical impulses. But that removes any element of heart, spirit, or soul---the truly human elements.

Other Psychologists seem to think that because they "understand it all", that they're somehow "above it all", like it doesn't apply to them. But that just distances them from their clients, and retards their ability to empathize with & help others. Then there are Psychologists who think that some behaviors & attitudes are perfectly healthy, when in reality they're quite mentally & emotionally unhealthy. This has little to do with their expertise in their field, but more to do with their own personal views & life values.

At any rate, far too many people think that Psychologists are just "screwed up", and that anyone who needs a Psychologist is inherently either "screwed up" or "weak" as a person. But Psychologists who have their heads on straight can be quite effective & helpful. I've known several people who have been to Therapy, Counseling, or whatever else you want to call it, & benefited greatly. Psychological Therapy/Counseling is about talking with someone who knows how the mind works, who can help you when you're in over your head. Sometimes it's having someone to talk with about your problems who won't feel like you're "burdening them". And sometimes it's just about having someone "safe" to talk to, who won't callously dismiss, judge, or criticize you & your problems.

Stay tuned for my own personal views on Psychology. In the meantime, just try to broaden your minds as to the benefits of Psychological Thought. Think about just how busy, harsh, confusing, & chaotic our world & society are. Sometimes people reach their limit. Sometimes people don't know what to think or feel, or how to handle their own emotions while trying to handle the entirety of life on this rock.

"Insanity in individuals is something rare--but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule."

The Blog Begins

So, I finally decided to get a Blog. I've always had thoughts and feelings that I've wanted to express, aloud or in writing, but I've never had a good forum or venue in which to do it. And I'm not exactly Mr. Extrovert, either. So I thought I'd give the whole "Blog" thing a try. Not that I have any idea what I'm doing, but hey, I'll figure it out.

I'm kind of hoping this Blog will sort of "fly below the radar". I think that's how a lot of people feel about their Blogs. It's kind of funny...we make Blogs so others can read them, but sometimes we don't want lots of people reading them. Or just certain people we don't want (and just who that is often changes). I guess I'll just have to be a little vague & ambiguous in certain posts, but that pretty much sounds like most blogs I've read ;)

Most of my posts will probably be kind of dispirited or agitated in nature. When things are going well, I don't really feel the need to express it. It's when I'm stressed, frustrated, depressed, or discouraged that I get all pent-up & angsty. Angst. I like that word...angst... Hopefully my Blog won't make me seem too cynical or "Emo". I'm just jaded with a lot of things, and tired of other people's expectations.

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”