I really need to Blog more...
I got new car insurance. I went on vacation to Mysterium in Boston. And now I'm quite close to broke. But other than that, pretty much the same old... I've been struggling to figure out what to Blog about that wouldn't just be rehashing what I've said before. But I think I have something...
I'm truly close to very, very few people. And I know that a number of friends that I've had for years still don't "get" me...and they don't get why they don't get me.
A big part of the issue is trust.
I'm very not accustomed to opening up to people. There's always the fear of whether or not I can trust them to respond properly, accept me, understand me...my fears, feelings, secrets, history, struggles...
But it's more than wondering if I can trust them regarding themselves--it's wondering if I can trust them regarding other people.
I've had several experiences over the last few years where I was with a small group of friends, talking about other friends & people. And during each of these experiences, one of my friends (different for each experience) told us something quite personal about the friend we were discussing. And each time, it was also particularly regarding one of the other friends in the conversation.
Each time, my first reaction was "...Why are you telling us this? Doesn't this strike you as something that so-and-so told you in confidence? This is none of our business..." But my second & strongest thought was "Why in the world are you telling this to this other person??? Don't you think that they're the last person so-and-so would want you to tell???"
Each time, I was just astounded that my friend would breach the confidence of our other friend--& to top it off, to the last person that they should... And sadly, each time, the friend who did this was someone I had been thinking up 'til then that I could start opening up to... So much for that...
I don't want my personal life to be made a public spectacle. Whether it's about a girl I like, someone I'm having a conflict with, something I'm embarrassed about or ashamed of, something I'm really sad or depressed about, something I'm afraid of, or anything else that's particularly personal, private, or sensitive--when it comes to my personal or private life, anything I'm genuinely self-conscious about, or anything that's truly serious or a big deal to me, I don't want an audience. I don't want play-by-play commentary, I don't want to be given a hard time, I don't want to be ganged-up on. And I certainly I don't want any of that from people who don't know enough to understand those personal things.
I don't mean this in a mean way, but one of the most important social lessons people need to learn is when to keep their mouth shut...
So yeah, I have trust issues...but I really feel they're justified. But just by realizing this, you can't just say "Alright, I promise I won't say anything to anyone--so open up to me." Open, trusting relationships take time. And most of the time, those who try w/me use a far too...assertive approach. I don't respond well to being watched, confronted, or judged. I really think a lot of my friends don't really understand how introverts think, & how to deal with them. So as much as I know my friends mean well, to those of them who still don't "get" me, & still don't get why they don't get me, I would simply ask this:
Beyond small-talk & confrontation, what have you actually tried?
"To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved."
