This post has been a long time coming... It's something I feel incredibly strong about, but have never taken the time to think out in an organized way to put into writing...
I want to speak to all the extroverted people out there on the subject of pity. So many of you outgoing, confident, popular, attractive, eloquent, or otherwise socially "okay" people quite often have a way of looking at people who are...less socially okay... You see people who are quiet or nervous, people who seem to stand on the edge of the social scene, people who are generally seen as unattractive, people who have a hard time with dating...people who aren't as socially "grounded" as you are. And you feel sorry for them. You feel the need to reach out to them---not in an ordinary, be-accepting-&-fellowship-&-include-everyone kind of reaching out, but something much more than that. You feel the need to give those socially less-grounded people what you think they're lacking. Not because you actually want that kind of interaction or relationship with them---but because you feel bad for them. You feel the urge to offer certain social interactions to them, so they'll have it, just like everyone else. You think you're doing them a favor.
But you're not. You're insulting them.
Some people might not have any problem with the idea of pity---but that all depends on what concept we're talking about. If you had to make a distinction between "sympathy" & "pity", what would it be? If you were to define "sympathy" as a positive thing, & "pity" as a negative thing, what do you think the difference would be? I do make such a distinction, & for me it's this: Sympathy is feeling bad with someone, while pity is feeling bad down at someone. Not in a disdainful, "I'm a better person than you" kind of way, but in an "Oh, you poor thing..." kind of way. Who wants anyone to look at them like that? Everyone wants sympathy when they're going through a hard time, but no one wants pity...
When you offer someone pity, of any kind, in any way, to any extent---a pity conversation, a pity "friendship", a pity date, a pity kiss---you're telling them "I think you're so pathetic & incapable, that you can't get this kind of social interaction on you're own. So I'm going to lower & debase myself to throw you a bone---it's not real, but I'm going to masquerade it as the real thing, so that you'll feel better." It's demeaning, it's degrading, it's insulting.
Again, pity isn't looking down on someone condescendingly---it's thinking less of someone socially. But because so many of you outgoing people don't look at the less socially-capable people with actual unkindness, you seem to think that pity is a good thing. You think you're being nice. You think you're helping someone out. But the pity you offer is an insult. And the social interaction you offer is a cheap, hollow, artificial substitute. And sooner or later, the person you're offering it to realizes that. They realize you think less of them. They realize that they don't actually have with you what they thought they had. And they find themselves wishing that you'd just left them alone...that you hadn't gotten their hopes up into thinking that someone genuinely socially valued them in the way you pretended---that for some reason you pretended as a "kindness".
So many of you are so willing, so anxious, so eager to offer pity to others---& you don't realize what a horrible thing it is. That doesn't make you a bad person---good people do bad things all the time. But it does make you wrong. It makes you out of line. And it makes you less genuine. People are so willing to behave this way in so many aspects...out of pity, guilt, pride, imagined-responsibility... Never underestimate the compulsion that good people feel to do good things in the worst of ways or for the worst of reasons.
Let me say that again: Never underestimate the compulsion that good people feel to do good things in the worst of ways or for the worst off reasons...
So many of you feel this emotional push, this outright "social obligation" to make sure that no one feels left out---but so often you go too far. If you're actually fine with sparking up engaging conversations with total strangers, that's fine. I've met people like that---they're quite remarkable. But what I usually see is much more hollow... And I see it all the time...in all kinds of social circles, with all kinds of people...in groups, individually...in big ways, in little ways...with other people...& with me.
I'm not going to bore or burden everyone w/the unhappy details of my childhood... But I've spend the last half of my life trying SO VERY HARD to overcome the image as the type of person that people feel compelled to give pity to. I've made a lot of progress, but in some ways I'm still that kind of person. And so I'm still on my guard. I don't want pity...from anyone...on any subject... I'd rather be left alone, with people thinking that I'm fine, & okay, & capable, than for people to think that I need a social hand-out... I want my social interactions w/people to be real, & I want to know that they're real.
I cannot express---in either writing or speaking---the level of DISDAIN I have for social pity...or for how hurful it is to be on the receiving end of it...
And where I'm still a less socially-capable person, & where I see so many people so willing to offer pity to others---it makes it hard to trust any social interactions people offer me. You might call that pessimism---I call it experience. So take that as food for thought on your own social interactions with the less socially-capable...
"Pity and friendship are two passions incompatible with each other."
No comments:
Post a Comment