Girls suck.
I'm sorry, but I had to say it. Ladies, I love you, and I think about a lot of you far too much, but ugh...girls make things so hard... Guys have our problems, I'll freely admit, but girls are the ones who make things really complicated. For all our faults, guys think in very simple, straight-forward terms. But girls have a very...irrational...way of feeling about things. We cause our share of drama, but half of it is us just fumbling around, trying to respond to the drama that girls cause---and usually misinterpreting it. Even Freud, after decades of studying the human psyche, was quoted as saying "What do women want?"
As few have the patience to read uber-long blog-posts, and as I have quite a lot to say on this subject, I'm again breaking my thoughts into 2 separate posts, on the topics of Spinelessness and Indecisiveness. On the subject of the former, I have 2 main ideas to touch on: Asking guys out, and turning guys down.
Asking Guys Out:
A number of years ago, I went to a Young Adult Conference. During part of it, they had a panel of 3 couples, in their mid-to-late 20s, who had each been married for 1-4 years (relatively newly-weds), & they were there to take questions & give advice on dating & courtship. There was about 50 of us in the room, with a pretty even number of guys & girls. At one point, they asked how many of the guys would feel comfortable with a girl asking us out for a first date (other than a Girls' Choice Dance), and about 10-12 of us raised our hands (close to half of the guys). Then they asked the girls how many of them would feel comfortable asking a guy out for a first date (other than a Girls' Choice Dance), and about 3 girls raised their hands.
Why is it that most girls still aren't willing to ask guys out??? This is the 21st Century, people! Guys & girls are supposed to be equals! Half the drama in dating these days exists because we cling to a number of outdated, antiquated, archaic courtship stereotypes & rituals that just don't work in today's society. All they do is cause needless drama & stress.
Whether it's ideas of the guy always asking the girl out, the guy always paying (which I don't want to get into here), the guy always picking the girl up, or anything else, it makes it seem as if the guy has to be in charge. It was one thing hundreds of years ago, when men were always seen as dominant, & women were always seen as subordinate. But when we cling to these unbalanced ideas of behavior, it runs against the grain of modern gender-equality, and just invites confusion & awkwardness.
Ladies, any decent guy is ultimately looking for an equal partner. You asking us out isn't horribly forward---it's intelligent, social, normal behavior that we understand. If guys can be direct & show their interest, why can't you???
Turning Guys Down:
Girls are far too nice. I'm not saying that girls should be mean, rude, or unfeeling, but why is it that girls will not turn a guy down??? I have never been flat-out turned down for a date---and that is not a good thing! Literally half the reason I'm afraid to ask girls out is because I'm afraid they'll say yes when they're not even interested!
Some will say "Oh, of course they'll say yes, because they don't know you. They don't know whether or not they like you." Bull-honky. There is only 1 time I've ever asked a girl out the day I met her. It's not usually that easy to get to know someone within just a few minutes of meeting them. Why in the world would you agree to go out with someone you just barely met? Someone who's basically a complete stranger? Someone who could turn out to be a total psycho?
When I ask girls out, it's usually someone I've started seeing on a regular or semi-regular basis at social events, like Swing Dancing. I get a dance or two with them every week, have a few nice, casual conversations each time, let them see me in a social context with other people, and basically give them a chance to see the kind of person I am. And during that time, I get the chance to see what kind of person they are. So within a week or two, maybe a month, I know how old they are, what religion they are, if they're single, etc, and I have a decent feel for their personality. And more importantly, they should have a decent feel for my personality.
So why do girls continuously agree to go out with me when they're not even interested?! What is it about the phrase "Do you want to go out sometime?" that they don't understand? If anything, I would think that phrase would be a bit too forward, but apparently not. I've been led on so many times by girls who either didn't have the sense to understand I was interested, or didn't have the spine to admit that they weren't!
First of all, if a guy asks you to do something with him, just ask yourself "What are his intentions?" If you just wake up & read obvious social cues, you should be able to figure it out. And if you really can't tell by asking yourself, ask him! Second, there's a difference between "turning a guy down" and "rejecting" a guy. Rejection is if he asks you out, & you say "No!" That's harsh, & the only guys who deserve that are the total creeps.
There's no "ideal" way to turn a guy down, but the "best" way has 3 parts: Compliment, "but", & Turn-Down. Start off by saying something like "you're a great guy" or "you're a good" friend, or even "thank you" or "I'm flattered". Then say "but", and finish with "I think we should just be friends". Just like that. It's sensitive to his feelings, and honest about yours. If it's a guy who's not taking a hint, you could be a little more direct by alternately ending with "I just don't feel that way about you". And if it's someone you don't know very well, or that you're probably not going to see or run into again soon, you could end with "I actually have a boyfriend." It may not be honest, but at least you're not leading him on.
What it all comes down to is this: If guys have the spine to be honest about our feelings, the least you can do is have the spine to be honest about yours.
"A woman is a creature
That has always been strange
Just when you're sure of one
You find she's gone and made a change"
That has always been strange
Just when you're sure of one
You find she's gone and made a change"
3 comments:
Oh Doug! Welcome to the world of dating! It does get better.
Here here!!! I totally agree and I absolutely love what you had to say!!!! I for one have always thought that dating should be and acted in an equal oppourtunity partnership. I for one was the first one to make a move on my husband and I am glad I did because he was to shy to make the first move. Now we have been married for two years!!!! So yes, ladies get it together!!!
I have a few things to say about this. First of all, Freud had the least understanding of women than anyone I've ever heard of. Penis envy? what a joke!
Second, even if you haven't just met a girl you're asking out, that doesn't really mean that she wouldn't want to get to know you better. I will pretty much go on a first date with anyone, unless I've known them for a good while and know that I don't like them. There's often a big difference between the way you interact on a one on one basis and they way you act in a group. Usually that's worth exploring. Granted, I've had a few disastrous dates, but that's life. At least I gave them a chance.
Third, most of what you're saying applies to guys too. I am one of the few girls who has no problem asking guys out. In fact, I'd say at least 70% of the first dates I've gone on have been initiated by me. I have had SEVERAL guys be too much of an asshole to simply tell me that they're not interested. Usually I get the hint because they stop returning my calls, or even better, they tell one of their friends to tell me that they're not interested. It's pretty weak sauce.
That is my two cents.
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