Human Mind, Part 2: The Psychology of Shame

Part 2 of a 2-part post about my feelings on Psychology, Shame, Emotion, & the Human Mind:

Shame is an interesting concept, but it's often thought of in a very negative way. What particularly comes to mind is a lot of Religious Culture. Far too many Christian groups act as if we're all horrible sinners, and we should feel good about feeling bad about it. Then they turn around and act as if it's sinful to be too happy in life, because we need to feel bad about how sinful we are. They basically say that it's good to feel bad, and bad to feel good! What a horribly confusing, self-defeating, self-shaming philosophy...

But the concept of Shame is very different from what most people are used to---and very important to understand. And it's the central theme of what I'm convinced is the way Psychology works. I learned about it from a book a friend recommended to me:

"Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw.

We almost always equate Shame with Guilt, but that's not quite right. Shame originally had another meaning, which some other languages still have, but which has been lost in modern English. In short, Shame is "a sense of one's own limitations and boundaries". Guilt is Moral Shame---feelings we get when we transgress our moral boundaries. Embarrassment is Social Shame---feelings we get when we find ourselves in a social situation that we're not prepared to handle. Fear of Death is Mortal Shame---feelings we get when we're confronted with something that could hurt or kill us.

There are more examples, but this should give you the basic idea. Shame lets us know that we're not immortal, all-powerful, all capable, or all-knowing. It lets us know that there are consequences to all our actions, whether physical, mental, emotional, moral, or social. It's a central and defining part of our Humanity. It's the perspective from which we all view & interpret the world around us, and decide how to act.

A common diagram used in Psychology shows 3 concentric circles: The inner-most one is "Ego". In psychological terms, this doesn't mean "being full of yourself", but rather one's own "central sense of self". Everyone has an Ego, but it's bloated Egos that are bad. The middle circle is "Feelings", and the outer circle is "Behavior". Our Ego (sense of self) affects how we emotionally react to and feel about things, and our Feelings affect how we choose to behave. Behavior is the only thing others can really see, but merely treating Behavior is only treating a symptom. Even treating Feelings isn't enough---you have to go to the core of what causes those Feelings.

We're all "Shamed" throughout our lives. Sometimes others Shame us, buy telling us that we're stupid, weak, or no good. Sometimes we're Shamed by our own consciences, because of things we're doing that we know are wrong. And sometimes we Shame ourselves, by unfairly comparing ourselves to others. I think everyone is Shamed in all of these ways, at least a little, at some point in their lives. But when someone is shamed a lot, and they dwell on that Shame too much, they do something very destructive: They make their Shame their Ego---they make their sense of Imperfection their sense of Self.

This is when Shame becomes Toxic. Everyone needs a healthy sense of Shame, but when people make their Shame their Ego, they basically say inside themselves "I am flawed and defected as a human being." Healthy Shame says "I did something bad", but Toxic Shame says "I am bad." Healthy Shame says "I made a mistake", but Toxic Shame says "I am a mistake." There's so much more in this book than I could explain in one Blog post, but it shows how this concept of Toxic Shame is the basis for so many common emotional problems, from simple self-consciousness to raging neuroses.

Read this book. Because this is how Psychology works. I know because I've seen it---in my own life, and in the lives of everyone around me.

"Seek knowledge and you will find evil.
Seek wisdom and you will find knowledge.
Seek truth and you will find wisdom.
Seek love and you will find truth."