Unrequited

"Wanna put my tender
Heart in a blender
Watch it spin around
To a beautiful oblivion..."

I still have yet to be turned down for a first date, but I recently got turned down for a second date. That may not sound like a big deal to most people, but it's the first time I've ever been turned down period (and that is not a good thing). One girl just made excuses & avoided me until I got the hint (which I'm still pretty bitter about), but every other girl I ended up just giving up on...either because I could tell she just wasn't interested, or even worse, because I could tell that she didn't realize that I was interested... I'm glad a girl finally had the sense to realize I was interested and the spine to turn me down.

But in the long run, it doesn't do me much good...

Creative writing is not my strong suit, but every once in a very blue moon, the Muse strikes, & I can pull off a half-decent (if short) piece of poetry. I wrote this poem several years ago, but never shared it with anyone. I've omitted the first stanza, as it was about a specific girl. But the other 3 stanzas are pretty universal---I think every guy out there can empathize with me on this:

"She stole my heart, but my affection
She could not return
The pain consumes me, and I feel
My soul within me burn

Why must heartache hurt so much?
What power can ease the sting?
This torment rips my heart apart
In endless suffering.

The sweetest angel that I've met
In years has gripped me so
Affection unrequited
Is the cruelest pain I know"

I have such horrible luck with girls... Some guys, once they find out that a girl is a "tough one" or even "unobtainable", they just can't help but go for her. For me, it's the other way around. I meet all these attractive, sweet, wonderful girls, and then I find out that they're too young, too old, have a boyfriend, aren't LDS, are just visiting from out of state... Seriously, like 95% of the girls I find myself interested in aren't even an option!

But the worst part is that when I actually do find a girl who's attractive, sweet, 18-24, single, LDS, & lives around Salt Lake, they're never interested! What is it about me? Am I unattractive? Am I boring? Am I awkward? Am I creepy? I don't expect to win any contests in any of those areas, but I'm open to honest advice!

I'm just tired of wasting my time, & getting nowhere... I don't want to lower my standards, and I shouldn't have to, because they're not unrealistic. And I don't want pity... Going on a pity-date with someone is basically saying "I think you're so socially awkward & incapable, and I feel so sorry for you, that I'm going to lower & debase myself to throw you a bone." It's demeaning, it's degrading, it's insulting. I don't want pity...pity-dates, pity-friendships...pity-anything. Everyone wants sympathy, but not pity. I don't want it, and I don't need it. I may not be Mr. Personality, but I can hold my own socially. And the thing is, I don't just deserve to know or believe that someone has feelings for me---I deserve to have someone have feelings for me.

I just wish I knew what else I can do...because I'm still at square-1, with unrequited feelings...

"I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want another lover at my door
It's just another heartache on my list

I don't want to be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore"