Disillusion
Life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would by this point...they way I hoped it would, & the way I was always told it would... My apologies for the length of this post...
Preparation
There are all kinds of things in life...big things like an LDS guy going on a Mission, or moving away from home...other things like going to college, or getting a job...or seemingly simple things like dating...& plenty of other things as well. These are all perfectly good things, but so often in life, people expect you to do things at a certain time, & in a certain way, but then they do virtually nothing to prepare you for them.
Maybe it's just me. But everyone kept telling me "When it comes to this point, you're expected to do this...", & I just kind of thought "Um, okay." But then the time for those things came, & they basically just threw me to the wolves, expecting me to jump in head first, & hit the ground running...& I just kind of thought "Um...okay?" I don't expect anyone to hold my hand through the important things in life, but so many things...no one every really prepared me for.
Responsibility
Don't think I'm trying to absolve myself of all responsibility. There are plenty of times where I just slacked off. Where I said to myself "I really don't want to do this." Or where I thought I had plenty of time, & just procrastinated. Sometimes I just didn't think things out. Sometimes I made really stupid mistakes. I have plenty of regrets...more than I care to admit...I'm just glad I haven't ruined my life... But I still "dropped the ball" in a lot of areas...
Accountability
But the thing is, when I didn't do a lot of things that I probably should have, no one really said anything... I don't want people to be all over me, getting on my case, but when I "dropped the ball", people just let it slide... I don't know if they though "Oh, he'll get going and do it sooner or later" or what, but people let me get away with mediocrity...with irresponsibility... No one held me accountable for things I probably should have done.
Growth
In short, there are lots of things no one really prepared me for, then I dropped the ball on them, & then no one held me accountable. So for about 3 whole years, I basically went nowhere...stuck in a dead-end job, hardly stretching myself at all, & barely growing at all as a person... And now here I am, at 24 years old...and so many people expect something from me...adulthood. I'm expected to feel like an adult, think like an adult, talk like an adult, act like an adult, live like an adult, & be an adult.
But you know what? I'm not an adult. Sure, I'm a physical & mental adult, but I'm not an emotional adult. I see little point in trying to hide that anymore...it's probably pretty obvious to anyone who knows me more than casually... There are so many things...so much life experience & maturity...that I just don't have... Yeah, I probably should have them, but I don't. I'm 24, & in more than one are of life, I still feel like a 17-year-old Highschooler... I feel so far behind everyone my age...but I have gained some experience, maturity, & growth since High School...so I don't really fit in with that group either...but where does that leave me?
Breaking Point
I feel all this pressure to "catch up" to where I'm "supposed to be", all the while trying not to burn out... And you know what I'm starting to realize? I can't handle everything. I can't handle the stress from school, studying, work, church, family, friends, girls, society... Constant stress from every aspect of life?! It's too much! Something has to give...the question is, what???
Should I give up on school, & just enjoy what I can? Should I give up on work, & consign myself to being dirt-poor & unable to have or do anything I want until I'm graduated w/a great job? Should I give up my social life? Should I give up on my reponsibilites at home, church, or to society? Even if I give up on something, the point is to make time for other things...the other stresses I can't handle, the responsibilities I'm failing in, & the dreams I don't have the time or energy to achieve...
Happiness
But the thing is, even if I "get a handle" on one thing or another, I need to look at the bigger picture. I was going nowhere in life... Then life smacked me upside the head, I got out of my dead-end job, registered for college, chose a major, got a better job...& I was going somewhere... But it's coming to the point where that's not enough...I need to know where I'm going. And need to know that where I'm going will make me happy.
School is such a big part of my life...but my heart is just not in it... I'm so behind on studying, & I'm not sure how I'll make it through Finals...but even more, I'm absolutely dreading starting next Semester, because I'm not sure anymore if I'm going where I should be. I started in Middle East Studies because I like dabbling in exotic languages, & Arabic is a really valuable language to know. I wanted to get a degree where my skills would be in demand. I don't want to have to be a slave to work...just another Joe Punch-Clock...another Nine-to-Five Nobody...
Arabic is very in demand, but I still don't know what I'll do with it. And the further I get into school, the more afraid I am that I'll end up somewhere I don't want to be... somewhere that will make me unhappy... I'm afraid to invest...or waste...any more time, money, & energy in college if I don't know where I'm going. I need to know that my direction will lead me to happiness.
Solution?
I'm seriously doubting my major...I'm seriously doubing if I should even register for classes next semester... But I don't know what to do. I don't want to slip into another horrible rut of going nowhere, but I don't know how to find out where I want my life to go...how to find out what will make me happy. And if I don't know how, I certainly don't know how long it will take to find out...
"The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going."
3 comments:
I'm wondering, have you tried talking to the councilor in your Major, asked him/her what jobs are out there, what can be done with the major. That might be a good starting off point to see where you might be going and if you really want to be going there.
Good luck!
Is there some random classes that have interested you, but you never had the time to take them? Just, something you *really* want to take that has absolutely nothing to do with your major or anything in general? If the answer is yes, why not try taking just a bunch of fun classes, regardless of what it does for you? School should be fun. Yes, it should lead you somewhere. But most of all, it should be fun. No one absolutely expects you to choose a major that will lead you to your eventual job. You should pick something that you enjoy doing first, and then you can figure out what you want to do with your life later. No one expects you to have direction. Hell, you could go from one job to another as suits you when you get out of school. No one ever said you had to pick one job and stick with it.
And if your answer is no, there are no interesting classes that you want to take, then take some time off. Get a random job that will pay the bills, and do the things that most interest you. No one said you had to go rushing through school, or even finish school. I greatly admire the people who've never finished school because they realized that they wanted something more from life, and so they pursued it. Not many people have that type of guts.
*shrugs* Just my two cents on school and life in general...
Doug, your expectations of yourself are high. Your expectations of others are considerable. There are times in everyone's life when we hit and existential crisis... When we realize that the buck stops with us... and that freaks most people out! You are at a critical turning point in your life. You must endure this. Don't lose heart, because this is part of the test. Keep hold of hope. You have set good goals for yourself and continue down the road that will lead to your goals. Life is difficult, but if you abandon your goals, you will soon find that life will lose meaning. Don't give up.
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