Few things make my blood boil more than hearing people say that "happiness is a choice". We certainly have a great deal of influence over our own happiness, but there's a lot more to it than that, & I'd like to explain why.
First off, I fully concede that you can't be happy without a positive attitude. Those who are pessimistic at heart will always find something to complain about---there is, after all, an endless supply of faults & sorrow in this world. You'll never be able to rise above all the negative without being able to think positive.
Second, I don't want to get into an esoteric, philosophical discussion of what happiness "is". We all have moments of happiness, but while uninterupted bliss is completely unrealistic, there are those who are truly happy in life as a whole---they're in a place where most things are going fairly well, & they have enough good in their lives to outweigh & overcome the bad.
But you can't just "decide" to be happy, & then you'll just be happy. Do you think Christ was happy while suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane & on the Cross? Do you think Job was happy after having lost his home, possessions, family, health, & nearly his life? Do you think they could have been happy during those times? Those may be extreme examples, but they're perfectly valid. There are circumstances in this world that you can prevent you from being happy, at least for a time.
Here are a number of situations that can prevent happiness in one's life: You can't be happy if you're suffering from actual, full-blown depression. You can't be happy if you're in severe, constant pain. You can't be happy if you're not living righteously. You can't be happy if you don't have close, emotional relationships with others. You can't be happy if you don't have structure, purpose, & direction in life. And many other things...
It's important to point out that we all have the power to act---to do things to change the negative circumstances in our lives, to enable ourselves to be happy. But happiness can't just be dispensed at the push of a button by "deciding" do be happy. We have control over many circumstances that affect our emotions, but when we're feeling an emotion, in that moment, we have no control over feeling that way. We can control how we react to our emotions, & in the long term that can affect our future emotions---but in the moment, you can't control how you feel.
Most immediately, everyone needs to understand that sometimes we need to not be happy. When something really bad happens to us, when someone close to us dies, or when we suffer some great loss or pain, we feel very unhappy---and we need to feel that unhappiness. We can't just ignore emotions we don't want to feel (which is the subject of another upcoming Blog-post...). Even the Bible agrees with this: "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven . . . A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;" ---Ecclesiastes 3:1&4. We shouldn't unduly dwell on sadness, but to repress or suppress feelings of unhappiness when they come upon us is incredibly emotionally unhealthy, & even damaging. We need to rise above unhappiness, but we need to go through it first.
And often that takes time. You can't just have a "good cry" for a few minutes, hours, or days just to "get it out of your system". Every situation, & every person, is different---we all have to deal with sadness, depression, & unhappiness in our own way, & in our own time. Some people are capable of doing it fairly quickly---good for them. But others aren't so lucky. And it's not always because they're "not handling it well". Don't judge someone's emotional state when you aren't them, & when you don't know what they've gone through or are going through now.
But the thing I want to stress the most is the message you send someone when you tell them that "happiness is a choice": No matter what horrible circumstances they're in, no matter what terrible pain they're going through, no matter how much they don't want to feel as unhappy as they are, you're telling them that their unhappiness is completely their own fault. How do you think THAT makes them feel??? It only makes them feel worse---you're shaming them into thinking that all the emotional pain they're going through means nothing, & that they are solely to blame. That's why it makes me so angry to hear people say that "happiness is a choice". Few things hurt so deeply to hear for those who are unhappy.
We have control over our attitudes, & we should adopt a positive one. We have control over our actions, & how we thereby react to our emotions & situations. But to tell an unhappy person that "happiness is a choice" is nothing less than to spit in their face! So when someone you care about is really going through something, instead of coldly dismissing their pain, show them some real empathy & support. And most of all, do what you can (as far as they're comfortable with) to help them go through their pain---because few things are as terrible as not only being miserable, but being alone in your misery.
"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."
2 comments:
Doug, I agree with your post in every respect.
Yes, we can choose to dwell on the positive or negative, and there is an element of choice when our lives aren't too messed up. When we are in clinical depression or facing severe trials, however, it’s not kind to pressure people to act like it’s no big deal.
(This is actually what the song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" was about. McFerrin was being sarcastic.)
I have run into 3 categories of people who say this kind of thing
1. ~ Choose Joy / Happiness ~
A lady I’ve met online says she chooses joy every day. She inspires me. She doesn’t mean she is having a grand time or is always happy. She chooses to find joy in Christ. It’s a statement of faith for her. She chooses every day to comfort herself in scriptures and asks every day for heavenly help so she can minister to others, including her family. She believes God is giving her the joy she needs to get by. She knows she can depend on God to cover her needs and bring peace to her soul. Some days she is stressed, and other days she is cheerful, but she believes that joy is granted deep down - in the spirit.
Now she discerns a difference between joy & happiness, and doesn’t expect to have a smile on her face all the time. Not everyone does. I have met people (non-believers) who had serious health and/or financial troubles who believed they had to think positively and focus on whatever happy thoughts they had to get through. I can’t honestly say this faith-optional version seems to work very well, but I will give ‘em props for trying to be brave and encourage those around them.
So - some people who say this ARE hurting badly, and are trying to cope. They are offering you their own method, even if it didn’t come across very well.
2. ~ ‘Can’t Relate ~
Some people say that "happiness is a choice" thing because they are clueless, and their own lives are happy enough that focusing on the good in it DOES make them happy enough. (They aren't in continuous pain, they have emotional support, their needs are covered, and their life is reasonably stable.) They either are not able or are not willing to imagine that life's wounds can get well beyond the Band-Aid cure of 'positive thinking.'
“Nothing Bad Ever Happens to Me” by Oingo Boingo could be their theme song.
I have spoken to people who bragged that they had never been seriously sick in their lives, and –in several cases- instead of admitting that they had no clue of what it was like to be ill or in pain, especially chronically, it became apparent that they figured that this difference must mean sick people had inferior genes or were hypochondriacs or something.
Imagine one of them as a friend. The first time you are sick for more than a few days, they’d be done with talking to you.
Same thing happens with other areas of life. Not everyone will keep up with a friend if they are unemployed for very long, or are in a bad accident, or get turned on by a social group. They don’t know what it’s like. They can’t imagine what the stress will do to you and they don’t want to know.
Not a few of this type will dream up excuses why whatever happened to you must have been your fault OR are part and parcel with your being in a ‘loser’ category unworthy of respect. (This makes them feel safer, since they won’t be or have done - whatever you are accused of. Job had friends like that. Poor guy.)
(the rest of the commentary)
3. ~Won’t Relate~
Sadly, many people choose lines “choose to be happy’ exactly because they have no intention of helping - or even empathizing for very long - someone who is hurting. They don’t really care and they don’t want to feel bad about not caring. Yes, there's an implicit judgment in it that is used to rationalize the emotional distancing involved.
Most ‘social friends’ will make sympathetic noises for a cold, a bad day at work, or other short-term injury, but only the real friends will be around to help you cope with repeated surgeries, chemotherapy, industry-wide layoffs, or the loss of a loved one. The non-helping types that fade back into background of life have decided that your problem isn’t their problem. This is exactly the choice Jesus was talking about in The Good Samaritan parable. The man was seriously hurt, and all these folks passed by his need who should have felt some connection with him. The guy who acted like a real ‘neighbor’ wasn’t a guy who lived nearby, or attended the same group events, but someone, anyone, who cared enough to help.
The suggestion that you should “choose to be happy” is – in this case - a last warning that if you don’t make them feel better when they visit with you (joke around when you feel like crying, add to their goals instead of getting suggestions on how to cope with your trials, stroke their ego when you needed a hug) then they will hang with others that do.
I have actually seen groups (even churches) that basically forced everyone to pretend that their lives were all popcorn and rainbows or else be ostracized from the group since everyone knew that the really good people didn’t get steamrolled by life. A lot of casual relationships have to be maintained this way, as I am sure you know. People who don’t know you well only want to hear the fun stuff that relates to them.
You find out who your real friends are (and who the truly ‘neighborly’ people are in your more casual circles) when your pain becomes obvious. Usually it will be a subset of those who have plenty frequent flier miles through their own personal hell.
As for the others, they don’t want to feel bad about being selfish and shallow, so it’s obviously your fault. You could still CHOOSE to be happy, right? If you cared enough about their feelings, you wouldn’t want to bring them down, see?
A real friend should try to help a hurting pal in times of trouble, but in these cases, turning one’s back on someone who needs help will be publicly rewritten as not allowing one’s self to be 'drained' by 'negativity.' There are numerous slogans suggesting that anyone who is a drag on you had better be cut loose. Gotta keep your balance positive coming in so you can stay positive!
Now, I admit there is a time when you may find someone you wanted to help who can't be helped. (I’ve met some folks who were black holes of emotional needs.) However, this doesn’t excuse dropping ‘friends’ like a hot potato just when they needed you most.
Okay, so now I’ve gone through the whole gripe too. It’s hard for the hurting to find so little real compassion in the world. Maybe it does help to understand the monkey-man excuses used. I hope so. Blessings, Salar
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