I've been working extra hours this week & last, & I've hardly had time to breathe... I've been fighting burout so bad...I've been so wasted, I've skipped school 3 times this week... Sometimes you need time to just do nothing...I'm not talking about time to "slack off", I'm talking about time to relax, wind down, decompress... And it's even harder, because I'm dying to move out...at 24 I'm itching for my independence. I'm not just some impatient kid wanting to be able to do whatever he wants. I may not have everything "figured out", but I'm not going to screw up my life. And at this point, I'd rather learn my lessons on my own than have them shoved down my throat.
But I don't know if moving out would make things any easier... I'm doing school full-time (and drowning in it, no less). Working full time in addition to that would kill me... And yet some people do it! And more than that, they seem to be able to handle it! They even seem happy in life! How?! Seriously! I want to know! How do you do it? How do you do full time school and work without burning out?
The thing is, the world doesn't give a damn about my morale... All the world cares about is that I live up to the bar everyone else has set... Society has all these things they've always told me that I have to do... Why? Why do I have to do all these things? Why do I have to be "Peter Priesthood" in the Church? Why do I have to go through 4 years of college & graduate with a Bachelor's Degree? Why do I have to get a 2-story house in the suburbs with a 2-car garage & 2.5 children? Why do I have to work 9 to 5, Monday through Friday?
I'm not saying that any of those things are bad, but why do I absolutely have to do any of those things? Can't I just live the way I know is right? Why are people who don't go through college viewed as not being responsible? Is there some law written into the fabric of existence that says you're a slacker if you're not punching in 40 hours a week? I just feel like I'm jumping through hoops...I feel like I'm living up to everyone's expectations...like I'm living for everyone else, & not for me... I don't know how long I can sit on society's conveyer-belt while they send me along down the assembly-line...
Maybe I should do some or all of those things I mentioned before...but I don't know that for myself yet. If there's something in life that I really should do, I want to know that I should do it, and I want to be motivated to do it. But I don't want to do it just because everyone else thinks I should. That's no reason to do anything. I want to know my path for myself. I want a purpose in life. I know there's a purpose to life, but I don't seem to have a purpose for myself...
But more than that, I want to know what drives me. I don't have that yet... What drives everyone else? What drives you? What's your passion in life? There are things I care about, of course. But there's nothing I've found that I want to focus my life on. And in the meantime, I find myself just surviving...trying to enjoy the present, & prepare for the very near future...it's getting very, very tiring...
"...I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear...I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...as to put to rout all that was not life..."
3 comments:
If it helps, I have no idea how you do the full time school and the full time work thing. I'm barely full time at school and working part time and It's really taking its toll on me. Burnout is a pretty common affliction, I think.
As for the rest of everything, you don't HAVE to do anything. There's no reason why you shouldn't not do the whole degree/church/perfect-norman-rockwell-family. It's hard to go against people who tell you it's important, but you have to do what's right for you. I personally think that getting a degree is important, so that's why I'm doing it. But I know many people who haven't done the college thing and I would never call them unsuccessful.
If you're concerned that you're doing things for all the wrong reasons, maybe you should try something else. Take some time to "find yourself". Maybe take some time off school and move out. That's totally allowed. Or you could just drop down to just one or two classes. Now's really the time to figure it all out, before you find yourself somewhere you really don't want to be.
I had the luxury/curse of having all the expectations I, and others, had for my life completely shattered a couple years ago. It's scary starting fresh without any idea what's expected. It's also very liberating.
*hug* burnout sucks. Been there - probably will be there again before graduation. But it's also a good thing in some respects. You find your limits.
How do people do full time school and a full time job? Usually they're forced into it. They're in school and they're supporting a new family, or a sick parent or a sibling who is 'in trouble.' I work three jobs and go to school full time. So I guess when you add all the stuff up, I end up with 1 full time job. I do it because I have to. Not because I find it fun. Contrary to popular belief, I don't enjoy being exhausted. My particular situation requires me to work like I do in order to keep myself on the path that I've set.
On all the 'have to's that you have going on in your second section - you don't. I'm not sure what "Peter Priesthood" is, so I'm not going to touch on that, but but you don't have to go through 4 years of school. Hell, you can do 4 years of school and not have a Bachelor's Degree - that's okay too. 2-story house with the kids and the garage is bullshit. I know very few people that fit that image and it's certainly not where I see myself. You don't have to have a 9-5 job. I know people who are looking for the best way to make it so that they don't have to work at all...and that's okay too.
And you are jumping through hoops. That's all high school and undergrad is. It shows people that are considering trusting you with some sort of job that you're able to follow directions and get things done - even under pressure.
Finding what drives you as a person is a lifelong quest. Don't expect to have the answer at 24. A very small number of people have clear drive and passion that early in life. And it's different for everyone - some people can be content with their lives if they do something as simple as keep a garden, some others require a bit more involvement. Perhaps one way to look at it is to think of what makes you still in your soul. Something that makes you comfortable to just exist. I find that in the sea - so I've made that my 'occupation.' If reading ancient texts in languages long unused bring you to that infinite calm spot, then perhaps look at pursuing that?
Moving out is scary - for all parties involved. For the one moving out and the ones being moved out on. It's rather sobering to be on your own. But the easiest way to make it happen is to just....do it. I went to college right out of high school - and then had an issue that caused me to drop out. I refused to go back home with my parents. My parents absolutely flipped out (especially my mom). I had no money, no job, nothing. I slept on couches at friend's houses for a solid month before I got a job (at a bookstore, nothing glamorous). Eventually I could start paying rent in small ways to the people that were putting me up. I'd buy groceries or something like that. Probably not the best course of action, but it is one way to get it done. And honestly, I wouldn't change how I 'gained my independence' at all. I learned very valuable things from my experiences. Some good, some not so good. But that's life.
Decompression is necessary for a successful life. You can't run yourself ragged all the time. But you can put up with anything as long as it's temporary. I have 85 days of undergraduate classes left. The countdown has begun - I am almost out. Anything can be endured - anything.
I also agree with cassie - abandoning expectations of yourself for a little while can be terrifying - and exceedingly liberating. I don't know what I'm going to do after May 9th, but I know that I'll do something. And no doubt, I'll end up where I'm supposed to.
*hugs* chin up. =) It will all work out in time.
Cassie and Saphira have very insightful comments and have said more than I could on the topics they touched. however, i would like to comment on your question on being happy.
My thoughts are that the best way to be happy is to stop and honestly decide what you want in life and what you're willing and not willing to do to get it. Then do. Combine that with waking every morning and finding something beautiful in the world, whether it be that the sky is blue, that it's raining, that you learned something cool in arabic yesterday, find anything beautiful and allow yourself to be grateful for it.
If what you're doing isn't making you happy, do something that will. Yes, some things are hard and undesirable, but necessary to achieve, like having a job you hate so that you can pay your bills. What's important is that you find time in your life for other things that you love, like dancing, and focusing on how they make your life better, rather than how a sucky job makes life suck. If that makes any sense.
Happiness certainly isn't living up to everyone else's standards or expectations. I've always believed that happiness is a choice that you make. A Choice to see, accentuate and focus on the good things in life and choosing to be, and love, yourself.
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