Ever-Changing Friendships

It's Christmas Eve, & I wax nostalgic...

The Holiday Season really flew by for me this year...  I've been busy w/work, dancing, computer-viri, being exhausted...  I guess it hasn't been a total loss...I haven't been completely superficial about Christmas, I've put a little though into it's true meaning, I got all my shopping done, I got some great Christmas-dances in...

But the thing that's really been occupying my thoughts this season is friends.  Friends are an interesting thing...  They say that "Friends come and go, but family is forever", which I guess is true in a lot of ways.  But on the other hand, I would say that "Family is family regardless---but you choose your friends."  My family are good people, it's hard to picture my life without them, & they're far from the last people I'd choose to associate with...but they're far from first, too.  You might say that friends are the people we choose to be family.

But more than the fact that you choose your friends is that they choose you.  We all know people that we think are really cool or really fun, and maybe they "like" us, but they just don't seem to esteem us as highly as we do them (which isn't anything personal).  But every now & then, we meet someone that seems to think that we're as awesome as we think they are.

That concept is so wonderful to me...  Your family kind of has to love you.  Sure, some people's families don't, but there really is an obligation to love your family.  And sure, we all have an obligation to "love our fellow man", but that's not quite the same as the deep, personal love of friendship.  Friends are people who love you when they don't have to.  That's really something special.

At any rate, I've been thinking a lot about my friends...more specifically, about people who "used to be my friends", you might say...  I've never had a "falling out" with anyone, but sometimes people just grow apart...people get busy, move on with life, move away...  And then one day you realize that your friendship isn't the same.  Not like they're simply "someone I used to know", & certainly not like they're "not my friend any more", but more like they're "a friend I used to know".

How sad...  I know change is inevitable, & I know that sometimes change is good.  But sometimes...sometimes change really sucks.  I don't want to lose any more friends...I don't want anyone else to drift away...  My friends mean so much to me, & I miss my "old friends" so much...friends from High School, that I've hardly seen since then...friends from the Weber State Swing Club, who I've hardly seen since they left...friends from the Weber State Dance Team, who I've hardly seen since I left...friends from the U of Utah Swing Club, the Golden Skillet, & the Murray Arts Centre, who haven't come in ages...

I don't want anyone else to become "a friend I used to know".  Life is about people.  I hate it when people leave...I hate missing people that matter to me...because when they're gone, a part of me is missing...

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival."

So Very Tired...

I'm so tired...so tired of being tired...  Mentally & emotionally tired, of course...but it's even harder to deal with those when you're always physically tired as well...

I can never get to sleep easily...  If I'm absolutetly exhausted, I can get to sleep in maybe half an hour, but most nights, it takes at least an hour, sometimes two...  My mind just won't stop working!  I can never stop thinking!  And if I try not to think, I get bored, & then I'm preoccupied w/being bored...or I get preoccupied w/trying not think...  If nothing else, my mind just catches onto whatever random thought strays by...the last thing I was thinking of, a song stuck in my head, something that happened that day, something coming up the next day...  Pure sleepiness eventually wins over, but not quickly enough...

And even worse is trying to wake up...I've never been a morning person...even if I get to bed before midnight, I can sleep in 'til 9:00 w/out even trying.  But it's gotten worse...this past summer I spent most mornings sleeping in 'til 10:00...and lately when I don't have to be anywhere, I can sleep in 'til 11:00...or later...  I'm just so incredibly, unbelievably groggy...my mind just feels like mush...  I consider getting up, & I just think "Ughhh..." & fall right back to sleep like that...

But the worst part of all is how the rest of me feels...regardless of how little I wore myself out the night before, regardless of how early I went to bed, in the morning I feel completely & totally drained of energy...  My whole body, especially my limbs, especially my legs, feels heavy & tight...often to the point of lightly aching...  Every night I go to bed feeling tired (as I should), but then every morning I wake up feeling exhausted...

On one episode of the TV show M*A*S*H, a reporter from the States was asking all the main characters questions about the war, their work, etc.  When asked what they hoped to do when the war ended, the character Hawkeye said "I'd like to take six to eight months, and become unconscious...not do anything, not go any place, not have anything asked of me...just sleep...  And then I'd like to go to Europe, and sleep there for a year."

Oh, how I echo his sentiment...  Sometimes I just want to sleep...and sleep...and sleep...and sleep until I just can't sleep anymore...  I wonder what that feels like...to be so rested that you actually want to get out of bed?  I have no idea, because I never sleep well...I would kill for a good-night's sleep...  And such exhaustion robs me of the day's morale right from the get-go...I have so little motivation to do what needs doing each day...

I'm always tired, I've had a cold for 2 1/2 months, & I have lots of other little medical oddities going on, too...  I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so we'll se how it goes.  I just hope he can find something wrong with me that has a definite solution.  Because I can't function like this...

So very tired...

"Even thus last night, and two nights more I lay,
 And could not win thee, Sleep, by any stealth:
 So do not let me wear to-night away.
 Without thee what is all the morning's wealth?
 Come, blessed barrier between day and day,
 Dear mother of fresh thoughts and joyous health!"

Destination

Disillusion

Life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would by this point...they way I hoped it would, & the way I was always told it would...  My apologies for the length of this post...

Preparation

There are all kinds of things in life...big things like an LDS guy going on a Mission, or moving away from home...other things like going to college, or getting a job...or seemingly simple things like dating...& plenty of other things as well.  These are all perfectly good things, but so often in life, people expect you to do things at a certain time, & in a certain way, but then they do virtually nothing to prepare you for them.

Maybe it's just me.  But everyone kept telling me "When it comes to this point, you're expected to do this...", & I just kind of thought "Um, okay."  But then the time for those things came, & they basically just threw me to the wolves, expecting me to jump in head first, & hit the ground running...& I just kind of thought "Um...okay?"  I don't expect anyone to hold my hand through the important things in life, but so many things...no one every really prepared me for.

Responsibility

Don't think I'm trying to absolve myself of all responsibility.  There are plenty of times where I just slacked off.  Where I said to myself "I really don't want to do this."  Or where I thought I had plenty of time, & just procrastinated.  Sometimes I just didn't think things out.  Sometimes I made really stupid mistakes.  I have plenty of regrets...more than I care to admit...I'm just glad I haven't ruined my life...  But I still "dropped the ball" in a lot of areas...

Accountability

But the thing is, when I didn't do a lot of things that I probably should have, no one really said anything...  I don't want people to be all over me, getting on my case, but when I "dropped the ball", people just let it slide...  I don't know if they though "Oh, he'll get going and do it sooner or later" or what, but people let me get away with mediocrity...with irresponsibility...  No one held me accountable for things I probably should have done.

Growth

In short, there are lots of things no one really prepared me for, then I dropped the ball on them, & then no one held me accountable.  So for about 3 whole years, I basically went nowhere...stuck in a dead-end job, hardly stretching myself at all, & barely growing at all as a person...  And now here I am, at 24 years old...and so many people expect something from me...adulthood.  I'm expected to feel like an adult, think like an adult, talk like an adult, act like an adult, live like an adult, & be an adult.

But you know what?  I'm not an adult.  Sure, I'm a physical & mental adult, but I'm not an emotional adult.  I see little point in trying to hide that anymore...it's probably pretty obvious to anyone who knows me more than casually...  There are so many things...so much life experience & maturity...that I just don't have...  Yeah, I probably should have them, but I don't.  I'm 24, & in more than one are of life, I still feel like a 17-year-old Highschooler...  I feel so far behind everyone my age...but I have gained some experience, maturity, & growth since High School...so I don't really fit in with that group either...but where does that leave me?

Breaking Point

I feel all this pressure to "catch up" to where I'm "supposed to be", all the while trying not to burn out...  And you know what I'm starting to realize?  I can't handle everything.  I can't handle the stress from school, studying, work, church, family, friends, girls, society...  Constant stress from every aspect of life?!  It's too much!  Something has to give...the question is, what???

Should I give up on school, & just enjoy what I can?  Should I give up on work, & consign myself to being dirt-poor & unable to have or do anything I want until I'm graduated w/a great job?  Should I give up my social life?  Should I give up on my reponsibilites at home, church, or to society?  Even if I give up on something, the point is to make time for other things...the other stresses I can't handle, the responsibilities I'm failing in, & the dreams I don't have the time or energy to achieve...

Happiness

But the thing is, even if I "get a handle" on one thing or another, I need to look at the bigger picture.  I was going nowhere in life...  Then life smacked me upside the head, I got out of my dead-end job, registered for college, chose a major, got a better job...& I was going somewhere...  But it's coming to the point where that's not enough...I need to know where I'm going.  And need to know that where I'm going will make me happy.

School is such a big part of my life...but my heart is just not in it...  I'm so behind on studying, & I'm not sure how I'll make it through Finals...but even more, I'm absolutely dreading starting next Semester, because I'm not sure anymore if I'm going where I should be.  I started in Middle East Studies because I like dabbling in exotic languages, & Arabic is a really valuable language to know.  I wanted to get a degree where my skills would be in demand.  I don't want to have to be a slave to work...just another Joe Punch-Clock...another Nine-to-Five Nobody...

Arabic is very in demand, but I still don't know what I'll do with it.  And the further I get into school, the more afraid I am that I'll end up somewhere I don't want to be... somewhere that will make me unhappy...  I'm afraid to invest...or waste...any more time, money, & energy in college if I don't know where I'm going.  I need to know that my direction will lead me to happiness.

Solution?

I'm seriously doubting my major...I'm seriously doubing if I should even register for classes next semester...  But I don't know what to do.  I don't want to slip into another horrible rut of going nowhere, but I don't know how to find out where I want my life to go...how to find out what will make me happy.  And if I don't know how, I certainly don't know how long it will take to find out...

"The world makes way for the man who knows where he is going."

People-Skills

I'm severely lacking in certain people-skills...

I have this friend...at least I thought they were a friend...that I haven't seen in ages. I really value their friendship, & I miss them like crazy. But I feel like they've been blowing me off... I don't message them too often by any means, but often enough that they should realize I'm not just randomly messaging them in passing. I really think they should realize that I miss them & want to see them. But I'm getting nothing back...I feel like I'm the only one putting anything into our friendship...

I really want them to know that I miss them, and that I'm hurt that I never see or even hear from them. But I don't want to come off as clingy or needy... More than anythying, I'm don't want to elicit a pity-friendship response... As a little kid I was a total nerd, & got picked on a lot, so a lot of the nice kids were particularly "nice" to me. But I knew that it wasn't because they actually wanted to spend time with me---it was because they felt sorry for me. I don't want that, because it's not real. It's not...genuine. It means a lot to me when people say or do things they don't have to. But more importantly, when they do them for the right reasons.

I feel like if I confronted my friend about this, they'd almost certainly make the time to spend some time with me. But I couldn't be sure if it was because they felt bad for hurting me, or because they felt bad about themself. The first would be more about making me feel better, and the latter about making them feel better. If this friend of mine spends time with me, I want it to be because they actually want to spend time with me. I don't want them to spend time with me out of guilt... I guess what I'm afraid of the most is that I don't mean as much to them as a friend as I thought I did...

Maybe I'm over-thinking things, and making the situation a bigger deal than it should be...but genuineness is very, very important to me... Any real, lasting friends I've had have come from a very genuine love for me as a person. Anything else I've had have just been "nice people" that I've been "acquainted with". Which is nice, but it's not friendship...and it shouldn't be disguised as such. I just wish I knew what to do about this friend of mine...

I'm severely lacking in certain people-skills...

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

Pressure, Purpose, & Passion

Burnout

I've been working extra hours this week & last, & I've hardly had time to breathe... I've been fighting burout so bad...I've been so wasted, I've skipped school 3 times this week... Sometimes you need time to just do nothing...I'm not talking about time to "slack off", I'm talking about time to relax, wind down, decompress... And it's even harder, because I'm dying to move out...at 24 I'm itching for my independence. I'm not just some impatient kid wanting to be able to do whatever he wants. I may not have everything "figured out", but I'm not going to screw up my life. And at this point, I'd rather learn my lessons on my own than have them shoved down my throat.

But I don't know if moving out would make things any easier... I'm doing school full-time (and drowning in it, no less). Working full time in addition to that would kill me... And yet some people do it! And more than that, they seem to be able to handle it! They even seem happy in life! How?! Seriously! I want to know! How do you do it? How do you do full time school and work without burning out?

You're Not Paid to Think

The thing is, the world doesn't give a damn about my morale... All the world cares about is that I live up to the bar everyone else has set... Society has all these things they've always told me that I have to do... Why? Why do I have to do all these things? Why do I have to be "Peter Priesthood" in the Church? Why do I have to go through 4 years of college & graduate with a Bachelor's Degree? Why do I have to get a 2-story house in the suburbs with a 2-car garage & 2.5 children? Why do I have to work 9 to 5, Monday through Friday?

Get to Work

I'm not saying that any of those things are bad, but why do I absolutely have to do any of those things? Can't I just live the way I know is right? Why are people who don't go through college viewed as not being responsible? Is there some law written into the fabric of existence that says you're a slacker if you're not punching in 40 hours a week? I just feel like I'm jumping through hoops...I feel like I'm living up to everyone's expectations...like I'm living for everyone else, & not for me... I don't know how long I can sit on society's conveyer-belt while they send me along down the assembly-line...

Maybe I should do some or all of those things I mentioned before...but I don't know that for myself yet. If there's something in life that I really should do, I want to know that I should do it, and I want to be motivated to do it. But I don't want to do it just because everyone else thinks I should. That's no reason to do anything. I want to know my path for myself. I want a purpose in life. I know there's a purpose to life, but I don't seem to have a purpose for myself...

Individuality

But more than that, I want to know what drives me. I don't have that yet... What drives everyone else? What drives you? What's your passion in life? There are things I care about, of course. But there's nothing I've found that I want to focus my life on. And in the meantime, I find myself just surviving...trying to enjoy the present, & prepare for the very near future...it's getting very, very tiring...

"...I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.  I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear...I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...as to put to rout all that was not life..."

Detox

I've recently gotten into watching reruns of the medical show "House, M.D."  Quite an interesting show.  The main character, Dr. Gregory House, is an absolutely brilliant doctor, but has absolutely no cander or social tact of any kind.  He's a crass, blunt, & insultive individual.  The other important thing to know is that he's handicapped.  He had an aneurysm in his leg years ago, which killed a lot of nerve tissue.  He walks around with a cane and a severe limp, which he's quite bitter about.  And his leg still hurts because of it.  You'll see him pop a few pain pills at least once in nearly every episode.

At any rate, on the episode that played last week, "Detox", the hospital administrator gave House enough incentive to go without pain pills for a week.  Throughout the episode, his withdrawl symptoms increased terribly, leaving him distracted, breathing heavily, and with big, red bags under his eyes (all while trying to solve another difficult case before the patient dies).

House made it a week without his pills, but went right back to using them afterwards.  While talking with his friend, Dr. Wilson, he admitted to being an addict, but said it wasn't a problem.  The conversation heated up as Wilson insisted that House had changed since the aneurysm, and finally House slammed his cane down onto the table, shouting "Of course I've changed!"  After a few moments of silent tension, Wilson carefully asked "...And everything’s the leg?  Nothing’s the pills?  They haven’t done a thing to you?"  House gave Wilson a steely, unwavering look, and said "They let me do my job.  And they take away my pain."

I like to think that most people aren't addicted to any drugs or actual substances.  But sometimes lifestyles, habits, behaviors, actions, or even simple mind-sets can be things that we depend on far too much.  These things can be good, neutral, or bad, but even the good ones can be unhealthy if we're using them too much, at the wrong times, or in the wrong ways.  We cling to these things as coping strategies, or even as crutches, to deal with the problems and pain in our lives.  To one extent or another, I think most of us are psychological/emotional addicts.

Addiction is no way to live, but Detox is the hardest part.  We try to go without our familiar, comfortable, chaining coping strategies.  But the withdrawl symptoms set in, and we find ourselves facing the pain we've avoided, terrified of not knowing when we'll make it through.  And even worse, sometimes we don't know how to make it through.  We need a Plan B.  Without some alternate plan, some better, healthier coping strategy, we ultimately give up, and turn back to our addictive coping strategies.

I think we all know at heart that our shallow, selfish, fear-based coping strategies are bad for us.  But they let us do our job.  And they take away our pain.  The trick is to find Plan B...because the torturous cycle of starting & quitting Detox continues forever without it...

"It is not heroin or cocaine that makes one an addict, it is the need to escape from a harsh reality.  There are more television addicts, more baseball and football addicts, more movie addicts, and certainly more alcohol addicts in this country than there are narcotics addicts."

Time of My Life

Ever since I can remember, people have always told me that this (whenever that was) was the "time of my life". That I should be "living it up" and enjoying life because it was "my time". But no matter what age I was, people always told me that. Your entire life can't be the "time of your life". Yeah, life should be enjoyed all around, but the idea of there being a "time of your life" suggests that one particular part of you life is "your time". And everyone has their own opinions on just what part of your life that is. I don't expect any time in life to be totally care-free any 100% fun, but life isn't meant to be be all stress & work with the occasional distraction...we're supposed to enjoy life...

But one way or the other, I still have yet to find that time...

Being a little kid was supposed to be the "time of my life", because I didn't have any real responsibilities. But at that age, life is so simple...there may not be any big worries, but there's no great joys either. You're innocent, but also...ignorant. Then when I got into Jr. High it was supposed to be the "time of my life", because I was older, and could try new & better things. But all that age was to me was a reminder of all the things I couldn't do yet...just an impatience for the future. Then High School was supposed to be the "time of my life". I was supposed to be hanging out with friends, going to parties, driving, dating, and having fun in between school & studying. But I just found myself standing on the fringe of the social scene, without a clue how to talk to girls...

Finally, getting into College was supposed to be the "time of my life". I was supposed to be an adult, making my own decisions, moving out, finding a serious girlfriend, gaining freedom... But I'm still living like an 18-year-old...I'm swamped with school, I'm too busy to hang out with friends much, I can hardly ever get dates, I'm sick of living with my parents, I'm broke, and I don't know when I'll ever be able to move out...

When is this "time of my life" actually going to start???

"Happiness: We rarely feel it.
I would buy it, beg it, steal it,
Pay in coins of dripping blood
For this one transcendent good."

Twitterpation Syndrome

All too often, people talk as if being Twitterpated is nothing more than that emotion you feel when you first find yourself enamored with someone.  But if that someone turns out to be someone very special, it lasts a lot longer than that.  When you find someone that, for whatever reason, is just so wonderful to you, it can last for years.  Even if you develop deeper feelings for them, Twitterpation is still that rush of emotion you get where your heart just oozes every time you see them smile.

But people also talk as if being Twitterpated is always this wonderful, fluttery, dreamy, frolicking-through-the-meadows, head-in-the-clouds, happy feeling.  Twitterpation isn't so nice to deal with when you can't pursue your feelings.  Sometimes that wonderful person doesn't feel the same, sometimes you can't find out if they do, and sometimes (for all kinds of reasons) you don't have a green light even if they do.  When things aren't looking so great, being Twitterpated...just makes you crazy.

It's a cruel torment when you can't be with someone.  It's like a disease...  Especially when you really think they might want to be closer to you if certain...things...were different.  Twitterpation Syndrome gnaws at your heart, keeping you up at night...  You spend so much time thinking about them, missing them, and wanting to be around them.  But then when you are, you find yourself starting to wish that you weren't, so you could stop thinking about them.  Unfortunately, that never happens, because that was the problem in the first place.

They say that "time heals all wounds"...  It does to a certain extent, but it's not enough.  Getting over someone isn't nearly that simple.  When wounds are really deep, they don't heal all the way on their own---they need help.  That help is something that no one can give you except another person who strikes that certain, special chord in you.  You can't "move on" unless you have someone else to move on to.  But if you don't have that, you're just...screwed.  Because you're just left there, still Twitterpated with someone you can't be with...

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come."

Theme Song

We all have our favorite music...styles, bands, songs...  Music we think is really fun, rocking, or otherwise just... indefinably awesome.  But how often do you run into a band or song whose lyrics really have...soul?  Lyrics that just seem to speak to you.  And for you.  The Goo Goo Dolls do that for me.  And with all the chaos and strange luck that life has brought, me there's one song that just feels like it was written for me.  I wonder if any of you knows why...

"And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
You saw the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Tossed along the way
Letters that you never meant to send
Lost or blown away

And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
Don't belong to no one, that's a shame
You could hide beside me, maybe for a while

And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name

Scars are souveneirs you never lose
The past is never far
And did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are?

You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio

And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell 'em your name

I think about ya all the time, but I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are, come back down
And I won't tell 'em your name"

Unrequited

"Wanna put my tender
Heart in a blender
Watch it spin around
To a beautiful oblivion..."

I still have yet to be turned down for a first date, but I recently got turned down for a second date. That may not sound like a big deal to most people, but it's the first time I've ever been turned down period (and that is not a good thing). One girl just made excuses & avoided me until I got the hint (which I'm still pretty bitter about), but every other girl I ended up just giving up on...either because I could tell she just wasn't interested, or even worse, because I could tell that she didn't realize that I was interested... I'm glad a girl finally had the sense to realize I was interested and the spine to turn me down.

But in the long run, it doesn't do me much good...

Creative writing is not my strong suit, but every once in a very blue moon, the Muse strikes, & I can pull off a half-decent (if short) piece of poetry. I wrote this poem several years ago, but never shared it with anyone. I've omitted the first stanza, as it was about a specific girl. But the other 3 stanzas are pretty universal---I think every guy out there can empathize with me on this:

"She stole my heart, but my affection
She could not return
The pain consumes me, and I feel
My soul within me burn

Why must heartache hurt so much?
What power can ease the sting?
This torment rips my heart apart
In endless suffering.

The sweetest angel that I've met
In years has gripped me so
Affection unrequited
Is the cruelest pain I know"

I have such horrible luck with girls... Some guys, once they find out that a girl is a "tough one" or even "unobtainable", they just can't help but go for her. For me, it's the other way around. I meet all these attractive, sweet, wonderful girls, and then I find out that they're too young, too old, have a boyfriend, aren't LDS, are just visiting from out of state... Seriously, like 95% of the girls I find myself interested in aren't even an option!

But the worst part is that when I actually do find a girl who's attractive, sweet, 18-24, single, LDS, & lives around Salt Lake, they're never interested! What is it about me? Am I unattractive? Am I boring? Am I awkward? Am I creepy? I don't expect to win any contests in any of those areas, but I'm open to honest advice!

I'm just tired of wasting my time, & getting nowhere... I don't want to lower my standards, and I shouldn't have to, because they're not unrealistic. And I don't want pity... Going on a pity-date with someone is basically saying "I think you're so socially awkward & incapable, and I feel so sorry for you, that I'm going to lower & debase myself to throw you a bone." It's demeaning, it's degrading, it's insulting. I don't want pity...pity-dates, pity-friendships...pity-anything. Everyone wants sympathy, but not pity. I don't want it, and I don't need it. I may not be Mr. Personality, but I can hold my own socially. And the thing is, I don't just deserve to know or believe that someone has feelings for me---I deserve to have someone have feelings for me.

I just wish I knew what else I can do...because I'm still at square-1, with unrequited feelings...

"I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't want another lover at my door
It's just another heartache on my list

I don't want to be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore"